To be a bit upset with my friends?

[Madammim17]

Fully prepared to be told that I'm being over sensitive here but I just need some perspective really.

I'm the first one in my friendship group to have a baby; DS who is a little over a year old. I'm also a single mum and the father is not involved. My friends have been an excellent source of support and, until recently, I couldn't fault them for anything.
They're great with my son and have been massively supportive and helpful towards me. However, over the last few months, things have started to change and I'm now struggling to not feel upset about it.

My friends and I are all in a group chat so that it takes just two seconds to let everyone know if something's happening and we can meet etc. I choose my occasions wisely and obviously specific events such as a birthday would take priority over a night down the pub, and anything overnight is a no no, so naturally I'm fine with missing out on things in those circumstances. Plus we all quite enjoy nights in with board games and movies etc so there's been plenty of nights in at mine when the baby is asleep so I've been lucky in still being able to have a social life and such. But recently I've stopped being invited to a lot of things, and not the usual Friday night down the pub things but daytime events that there isn't really any reason to not invite me to, aside from they just don't want me there. The latest being on the bank holiday weekend, on the Saturday we were at a friend's birthday and those of us who were available agreed to do something on the Sunday. I sent a couple of messages to ask what people felt like doing and received no reply, only to later find out that they'd all 'coincidentally' bumped into each other on the way to get their cars and decided to go to a nearby town (ten minute drive) for lunch and it was all very last minute etc, and they didn't seem to see the problem that I had effectively been left sat at home wondering why nobody was answering me.

I know it probably sounds pathetic but it's happening with more and more frequency; when I'm at things, they don't really treat me any differently to how they always have so I don't really understand it. When it comes to events, I would suggest something like going to the cinema or for lunch or a picnic, nobody will reply except my best friend who is the only one who isn't doing any of this, but when somebody mentions anything else they'll reply even if it's just to say no. Or it'll be a case of where everyone will suggest something and they'll all agree to the thing I can't go to, which again is fine on occasions but it's nearly every time now and it's just starting to feel a bit unfair. I've mentioned it a little bit and have just been met with comments that I'm overreacting or that it's not true and because they all say that, I don't know what to think anymore.

I appreciate they're all young and without commitments and that I'm the one with the baby so essentially it's my problem and I swear that most of the time, it really hasn't bothered me, but it's just building up now and I can't help but feel really upset and left out, and actually quite hurt especially because they've been so great up until now. I'm usually an assertive and confident person in these situations but this has really made me feel vulnerable and lacking in confidence. My best friend is moving away in September, only London but it's still quite far and I'm just dreading what things will be like. So AIBU?

Sorry this is so long, but any advice or kicks up the ass would be great.

[JoJoSM2]

I know it really sucks and you're upset. I agree that they're probably put off by the baby's presence even if it's very well behaved. Also, new parents have a tendency to talk about babies and that can be off putting to a bunch of young, single girls who want to talk about nights out and men... And, yes, no one will tell you not to bring your baby to your face even if they think that.

Also, you're often not able to join in so you're just growing apart from the group. I'm really sorry they have handled it this way and imagine that it's feels very isolating too you.

You could check with your best friend if the above is correct. It would also be a good idea to make friends with other mums as you'll have a lot more in common.

[Sundaygal]

Ya it is rough OP but if you are the only one with a little one ... it sometimes happens. Especially as they get a bit older. When they are tiny they don't interrupt things as much, but when they get mobile and louder ... well it changes everything. It'd be good to find a toddlers group to join on occasion and stick to the random outing with friends that you can manage.

[Waltermittythesequel]

How is OP getting a hard time?!

Nobody has said she's been wrong or a terrible friend!

[StealthPolarBear]

I think the op will struggle to make friends with other mums, as they're often doing family things at the weekend

[StealthPolarBear]

Walter I'm finding the "get a sitter" comments a bit much. Because she does when she can and as a single parent I'm guessing her options are limited.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

moutonfou. I would imagine you to be a rarity. I agree with you to a certain extent btw. But ops friends clearly want child free time and that's their prerogative.

[Blimey01]

It's hard but it does sound like it's bringing your lo to stuff in the day. Do you go to play groups? It may be worth going along and making some new friends with that are looking for other mums with kids to meet up with in the day.
I feel awful for admitting this but when my friend brings her lo (15 months) along to a lunch meet up my heart sinks a bit. It's not that I don't like him, I do, he's adorable but he needs constant attention, she's preoccupied and I always make a fuss of him and amuse him so she can eat lunch etc so it's hardly a nice relaxing catch up but I do understand that she needs to see people and have adult conversations aswell.

[youaredeluded]

Sorry, but they are young and fun and don't want to hang out with your baby! Is it really that difficult to understand. Babies are dull and annoying to most people. Sorry, find some mummy friends.

[StealthPolarBear]

It may not be the case everywhere but there aren't any playgroups on weekends here as far as I know

[Madammim17]

I've tried the baby group thing, and the ones in my area are either only on weekdays, full of rather unpleasant people who don't control their kids or people I have absolutely nothing in common with. I still have my previous interests, I haven't turned into someone who consistently talks about their child because I actually want to talk about other things too, and as I work full time I have limited time to do things for myself or my DS. I'm not someone who expects the world to revolve around my son, I've already stated that most of the time I don't go because I can't as I haven't got a sitter and that I feel like I'm courteous and understanding in DS' presence possibly causing an issue, so I don't feel like some of the assumptions on here are fair about how I'm dealing with it. I don't just assume things, I don't expect them to accomdate me all the time, I just expected my friends of 10+ years to have a bit more respect for me and to not just ditch me. I've said that I go as often as I can without him, I've said that I don't always make my friends come to mine. I can't afford a babysitter on top of what I already pay for childcare. I try really hard to do everything right and to be around and to be respectful of their lives, I don't expect them to tolerate a baby at every event, it's the manner of the exclusion that is really hard.

Thank you for the comments, I think I'm gonna leave this now cos it's been made very clear to me, which I do appreciate as I wanted perspective and all the suggestions on what to say have been good too, so I'll definitely bear it all in mind. Thanks everyone x

[CondensedMilkSarnies]

It's hard Op , I've been there . I think the only way to really find out is to ask your friends. It might not be the baby in which case you need to find out what is actually going on.

[Slimthistime]

OP you mention lunch on the bank holiday specifically
If they fancied doing that, without a baby, did you think they'd say "do join us if you can get childcare"?
I can't think of any parent friend who would be okay with that by text, it would take an advance discussion at least.

One approach could be to contact them all and say "hey, I'm slightly worried I've been omitted from things because you don't want the baby around, I understand that - so here are the days I can get childcare".

No one wants to broach this. You need to say that that's what you are okay with.
And a lunch, most people would assume you'd bring your baby.

[Slimthistime]

PS I'm child free, Ive spent loads of time with close friends at their home when they can't go out. So if you think if you've been rejected completely, that would be awful but please don't assume before talking to them.

I don't like kids but I'd never sack off my friends.

[AntiHop]

Ouch op they've been mean. When the first of my friends started having kids, of course they often brought their kids to meet ups. I wouldn't expect anything different. I did the same when I had dd.

I understand what you said about not finding local mums you get on with. It tough making friends when you work full time. I'd say find ways to meet local mums at weekends. Join local Facebook groups for parents. Suggest weekend meet ups with other parents. There may be some weekends baby activities such as library rhyme time or one off local events.

[Italiangreyhound]

I haven't read all the posts but I would just say, use the move of your best friend to make some new friends who have babies, other single mums etc. In the long run you may have more in common, can help each other out with babies/children etc.

Good luck.

(PS I only have one or two pre-baby friends, life does just move on....

[LittleBeautyBelle]

If you brought your ds to more than one get together already, then they are presuming, rightly or wrongly, that you will be bringing him a lot; so, it kind of drastically changes the dynamic as others have said, and they are avoiding get togethers that will have a baby in it; it's not fun for them (I sympathize with you. I agree that good friends will not drop you and will be glad to see you and your baby). They are still in the same, single mode of life that you used to be in but are no longer, even though you still wish to talk about things you used to talk about, the dynamic has changed.

On top of that, you would not believe the issues that get touched off by the event of a baby (or wedding). All kinds of issues, some bizarre, will suddenly pop up and cause trouble. You're all in your mid twenties so not as much to worry about, but in your thirties, people can get resentful and hostile over someone else having a baby (or finding a good partner or getting married). My sil called me on the phone when I was pregnant and said she wished something would happen to my baby and then got angry when I expressed dismay. You wish that? Was my reaction. Whoa, she acted like she was entitled to call me up and stomp on my joy and wish death on my baby and I was supposed to thank her and like it. Hopefully you will never come across that kind of thing but just be aware.

I agree with all the other posters and it may be time for you to find some mom friends. Taking your baby to various events like library story time where there will be other moms your age with babies your son's age will give you friends you can hang out with and not feel like you're supposed to hide away your baby....which is what it seems like you're made to feel you have to do to be allowed back into your old group.

Most of us moms have found that a new wonderful wave of friends who have their own children come along when we become mothers and it's just the seasons of life.

[RainbowsAndUnicorn]

Maybe they are just used to you saying no or taking your child along and find it easier to just arrange their own thing.

A baby spoils an adult only lunch or trip to the cinema.

[Madammim17]

Merely replying because I feel the need to point this out, though I find it slightly baffling that someone would assume that I would, but I don't take my baby to the cinema, cos he's a baby. The cinema was an example of things that I suggest doing which nobody responds to; it's actually something that doesn't involve my DS.

[Dishwashersaurous]

Does your ds go to nursery? That can be a really good way to make friends with other working parents. The birthday parties start at two and you get to know the parents that way

[x2boys]

i remember being single and childfree in my mid twenties i would meet friends for lunch and then we might have an afternoon drinking session and on to a club, not saying your friends are like that btw but i had the freedom when i was sigle and childfree to do that having a toddler totally changes that kind of lunch first of all they distract you,they need feeding,changing etc you cant just go with the flow with a toddler with you.

[TheSkyAtNight]

It's hard to make mum friends when you and they work - as you say you don't necessarily have much in common, plus it can be hard to find the time needed to generate new friendships. That's my experience anyway. I think your best friend is the key here - have you asked her what she thinks is going on? It sounds hurtful & isn't obvious what the issue is given what you have done to try to keep the friendships going.

[x2boys]

i know what you mean about baby groups i never made freinds through them either my kids are 10 and 7 and i,m only starting to make mum friends now as ds2 has disabillities and the disabillity community in my town is very active,hopefully things will get easier as your child gets older and you meet more like minded people.

[Babbitywabbit]

Ok so your ds is just over a year old so walking/ almost walking. Definitely mobile and babbling.

In the nicest way possible, a young child changes the experience and it sounds like your friends are just wanting some adult time.

As your friends are childless I assume they're working during the week and the lunch time meet ups are at the weekend? TBH when I was pre-kids and had worked hard all week, the last thing I'd want for my weekends would be to socialise with an almost toddler around. By the time they're a year old, children are demanding- and rightly so- they need constant watching and interaction.

Can you find another (paid) babysitter so that you're not relying on your mum being available? I expect once your friends see you're making an effort to sort things, there'll be no problem

[Babbitywabbit]

PS and I'm not saying 'find another babysitter' lightly. It takes effort and money. When ours were little we had no family nearby, dh worked away half the week and we were already paying all my salary on nursery fees while I was at work. But ultimately, if you can budget for a meal out, you need to factor in the additional cost of a babysitter. If it means you can only go to half as many lunches, then that's just how it is for the moment.

If it's day time babysitting, the local older teenagers who will be glad of the extra money. It's definitely worth finding a couple of local sitters - it's what made things manageable for me.

[Allthewaves]

All you need is one good single mum friend. My dh works away - not comparable but I did feel lack company often and felt very lonely. I managed to meet a mum who was single with kids same age. It was great. We could hang out at weekends, phone each other at night. I often had her kids when dh was home to give her down time.

Try online to meet some other young mums