To be a bit upset with my friends?

[Madammim17]

Fully prepared to be told that I'm being over sensitive here but I just need some perspective really.

I'm the first one in my friendship group to have a baby; DS who is a little over a year old. I'm also a single mum and the father is not involved. My friends have been an excellent source of support and, until recently, I couldn't fault them for anything.
They're great with my son and have been massively supportive and helpful towards me. However, over the last few months, things have started to change and I'm now struggling to not feel upset about it.

My friends and I are all in a group chat so that it takes just two seconds to let everyone know if something's happening and we can meet etc. I choose my occasions wisely and obviously specific events such as a birthday would take priority over a night down the pub, and anything overnight is a no no, so naturally I'm fine with missing out on things in those circumstances. Plus we all quite enjoy nights in with board games and movies etc so there's been plenty of nights in at mine when the baby is asleep so I've been lucky in still being able to have a social life and such. But recently I've stopped being invited to a lot of things, and not the usual Friday night down the pub things but daytime events that there isn't really any reason to not invite me to, aside from they just don't want me there. The latest being on the bank holiday weekend, on the Saturday we were at a friend's birthday and those of us who were available agreed to do something on the Sunday. I sent a couple of messages to ask what people felt like doing and received no reply, only to later find out that they'd all 'coincidentally' bumped into each other on the way to get their cars and decided to go to a nearby town (ten minute drive) for lunch and it was all very last minute etc, and they didn't seem to see the problem that I had effectively been left sat at home wondering why nobody was answering me.

I know it probably sounds pathetic but it's happening with more and more frequency; when I'm at things, they don't really treat me any differently to how they always have so I don't really understand it. When it comes to events, I would suggest something like going to the cinema or for lunch or a picnic, nobody will reply except my best friend who is the only one who isn't doing any of this, but when somebody mentions anything else they'll reply even if it's just to say no. Or it'll be a case of where everyone will suggest something and they'll all agree to the thing I can't go to, which again is fine on occasions but it's nearly every time now and it's just starting to feel a bit unfair. I've mentioned it a little bit and have just been met with comments that I'm overreacting or that it's not true and because they all say that, I don't know what to think anymore.

I appreciate they're all young and without commitments and that I'm the one with the baby so essentially it's my problem and I swear that most of the time, it really hasn't bothered me, but it's just building up now and I can't help but feel really upset and left out, and actually quite hurt especially because they've been so great up until now. I'm usually an assertive and confident person in these situations but this has really made me feel vulnerable and lacking in confidence. My best friend is moving away in September, only London but it's still quite far and I'm just dreading what things will be like. So AIBU?

Sorry this is so long, but any advice or kicks up the ass would be great.

But you're deciding that it's ok to bring him along, and maybe they don't want a baby there!

I think you need to have an upfront convo about it. You might think that they're on another planet but essentially, they are. You might hear some home truths which you don't agree with but it'll be out in the open.

What are they doing in the day if they don't have kids? Don't they have jobs?

KERALA1 His dad isn't in his life at all. In any case where he kicks off or makes a fuss, I leave because it's just as frustrating for me too and I don't expect anyone else to have to deal with it.

waltermitty I've already said I don't just assume I can bring him.

gentleboil I'm talking about the weekends, we all work full time .

You've said you don't bring him to say a bar.

But if it's lunch etc you take him along. What I'm saying is they might not want him at lunch!

A baby changes literally everything, even a walk and a stop for coffee.

I reckon it is because you take him to the lunches etc. Iv got three kids and i know they can be a pain when you are meeting friends when someone has to bring one. Especially at one when they cant talk and get bored and frustrates quickly. Sorry.

Are you working full time, could you get to any baby groups or classes to try make some new friends with other mums incase this does continue when your best friend moves away.

I know you're upset but there is very little you can do about it. I would try going to some toddler groups and make new friends who you have more in common with.

I think you have your answer, taking baby is putting your friends off. I think it is understandable, I've got my own kids and wouldn't want to go out to lunch with a baby. Maybe try to make some mum friends and then go out child free with your current friends.

They're not going to say "don't bring the baby" but that's what's happening here. Even if you do leave if he fussed, it totally changes the dynamic because at some level your attention is (rightly) on him, not them.

There is nothing more tedious than getting up to the punchline of a great anecdote and being cut off with "here's another rice cake darling."

Sorry you're upset but it's the taking the baby. 100%. Most people aren't interested in other people's children. Harsh but true. I think youre just going to have to accept that if you can't get a sitter you can't go.

OP, sadly even bringing a baby to a lunch changes the dynamics. It's cruel, but it's how it is.

Personally, I really don't like it when someone rocks up with a kid to a lunch. A baby - fine, but toddlers absolutely not. Like someone said earlier, try to future proof by finding some friends with similarly aged kids - it will get even harder with the 'old' friends once your child is a toddler.

Waltermittythesequel And I have also said that I don't just assume I can bring him.

Thanks for all your comments guys. I get the general idea of everyone's opinions so thanks. Guess I'll have to think about the best thing to do.

Yes but even if you said "Do you mind if I bring Little Boy" they'll all say no, that's fine but secretly think FFS, why is he here! How old is he?

My kids are teenagers now but I hate being around little kids so if my friends are taking their kids to an event, I don't tend to go.

I find babies and kids boring. Baby talk is especially boring. Why don't you suggest a baby free day out and get someone to look after him - it might rekindle the friendship.

They're your friends. So they're not going to say no if you ask to bring baby.

The alternative is not to ask you.

Unfortunately this situation isn't uncommon when one person in a friend group has a baby and the others do not. A baby does change the dynamic of a lunch or picnic. When your baby starts running around you'll find you can't hold a rational conversation for more than 10 seconds anyway as they are usually off exploring the latest thing they've noticed.

I'd suggest meeting up with your friend group without your child when you can, and make an effort to make friends with people who have a child around your baby's age. I made several friends through a mothers of twins club. It made socializing so much easier as our children were all at the same age to enjoying roughly the same sort of things, the children entertained each other a bit, and it helped to be able to talk to parents of children going through the same phases of child development that my children were going through

It's really tough being a lone parent (I've been there) when the child is so young, as you probably haven't established friendships with other parents yet , particularly other single or lone parents.
i think you need to make some new friends with children, Look to see if there's any groups locally, even on line ones, as they often lead to meeting up too. For me, this involved a lot of socialising around each others homes, often eating together after a trip to the park, swimming etc etc. It also allows the possibility of babysitting swops, so you can go out with your other friends occasionally too.

There's a difference between a baby asleep in a pram and a toddler, which a one year old nearly is, who basically takes over any event.

I have no children and am a bit mystified by replies saying maybe it's because children change the dynamic. I can't imagine ever excluding one of my friends because they might bring a child. I'd be really hurt in the situation you've described OP and even though I'm quite conflict-averse I can imagine I would drop them a polite message about my feelings.

A lot has bene said about bringing the baby which I'm sure is one of the issues. However, I wonder about the support aspect.

I think we all have friends who have needed extra support at times, but for some of us this can be difficult to offer consistently and continually. Especially if its something they can't relate to, so if none of them have had a baby maybe your friends are struggling with that side of it and that its an ongoing thing in your life that they can't really add to. Whereas when you're all young and carefree you might complain about being down and so your friend would organise a big night out or that you have nothing to wear for an event and so your friend lends you a dress.

When you maybe talk about something with the baby, they can't relate and aren't really sure how to help. I've been both the first to have a baby in one group and part of a group where one person had a baby and none of us did.

I do think its unkind but perhaps not done with malice, I'm not surprised your upset though. Has your best friend any insight into the specific problems? It might be an idea to try and make some mum friends too so you have a bit of balance?

You could broach the subject first with your friends ' hi guys , I've maybe been a bit thoughtless by bringing baby with me , how about an adults only lunch next week ?'

It might open up a conversation and you can remain friends, rather than saying nothing and end up being phased out completely.

Can you not just ask your friends what's going on?
I would think it's a combination of not always wanting a baby around during the day time events and also knowing you won't be available for a lot of the nights out so not mentioning it so as they either assume you won't be able to make it or don't want you to feel bad. It's also likely that some of their meet ups are semi spontaneous. When people don't have children they don't tend to arrange in advance to meet friends at an exact time and place, it's often a vague idea that may or may not happen or spur of the moment thing.
How many friends in the group?

You're at a different life stage than they are, you're the first and it's changed the dynamics. Because you're parenting alone you're noticing the loss more than you would if you were in a relationship. These dynamics will change further for the rest of the group as time goes on and people forge forward with their own lives like your friend moving to London. It sucks because you're the only one been left on the outskirts looking in and feeling left out. Have you considered looking for a regular baby sitter so you have more freedom to go out rather than only been able when your mother can oblige?

Arya the op does see them as often as she can without her baby, she has said that.
Op you're getting a hard time.

Perhaps talk to them (don't email or text as the written word can be misinterpreted). Say to them that you really want to stay as part of the friendship group and that you want to discuss with them how this will be possible once your best friend moves to London so you would like to meet once a month without your DS. If that's an evening thing then that would be great, even if it is down the pub. You're getting out of the house and having a social life as an adult. Say to them that you would also like it if they would agree to a daytime meet up once a month too (so in effect two times per month where you will be meeting up with them) but this one may involve your DS being brought along.
Let them know that, while you completely understand that your DS being there does change they dynamic of a session, that you have noticed an increase in these 'last minute' get togethers that they are omitting you from, even if it is just for you to say "thanks, but I can't this time'.
You would prefer it if they would be honest with you and if the fact that you're bringing your DS along to some of these daytime meet ups is making them behave differently to before, they are to let you know (you'll have to wear your flack jacket as they may feel this is a green light to off load and say stuff that they have been holding back on).
You just want to stay friends at the end of the day but you are feeling less and less welcome due to their behaviour towards you.
At the end of the day, I get the feeling that this friendship group may be dwindling out and you should look to find new friends who are in a similar position to yourself.

Best of luck with it all.