To be a bit upset with my friends?

[Madammim17]

Fully prepared to be told that I'm being over sensitive here but I just need some perspective really.

I'm the first one in my friendship group to have a baby; DS who is a little over a year old. I'm also a single mum and the father is not involved. My friends have been an excellent source of support and, until recently, I couldn't fault them for anything.
They're great with my son and have been massively supportive and helpful towards me. However, over the last few months, things have started to change and I'm now struggling to not feel upset about it.

My friends and I are all in a group chat so that it takes just two seconds to let everyone know if something's happening and we can meet etc. I choose my occasions wisely and obviously specific events such as a birthday would take priority over a night down the pub, and anything overnight is a no no, so naturally I'm fine with missing out on things in those circumstances. Plus we all quite enjoy nights in with board games and movies etc so there's been plenty of nights in at mine when the baby is asleep so I've been lucky in still being able to have a social life and such. But recently I've stopped being invited to a lot of things, and not the usual Friday night down the pub things but daytime events that there isn't really any reason to not invite me to, aside from they just don't want me there. The latest being on the bank holiday weekend, on the Saturday we were at a friend's birthday and those of us who were available agreed to do something on the Sunday. I sent a couple of messages to ask what people felt like doing and received no reply, only to later find out that they'd all 'coincidentally' bumped into each other on the way to get their cars and decided to go to a nearby town (ten minute drive) for lunch and it was all very last minute etc, and they didn't seem to see the problem that I had effectively been left sat at home wondering why nobody was answering me.

I know it probably sounds pathetic but it's happening with more and more frequency; when I'm at things, they don't really treat me any differently to how they always have so I don't really understand it. When it comes to events, I would suggest something like going to the cinema or for lunch or a picnic, nobody will reply except my best friend who is the only one who isn't doing any of this, but when somebody mentions anything else they'll reply even if it's just to say no. Or it'll be a case of where everyone will suggest something and they'll all agree to the thing I can't go to, which again is fine on occasions but it's nearly every time now and it's just starting to feel a bit unfair. I've mentioned it a little bit and have just been met with comments that I'm overreacting or that it's not true and because they all say that, I don't know what to think anymore.

I appreciate they're all young and without commitments and that I'm the one with the baby so essentially it's my problem and I swear that most of the time, it really hasn't bothered me, but it's just building up now and I can't help but feel really upset and left out, and actually quite hurt especially because they've been so great up until now. I'm usually an assertive and confident person in these situations but this has really made me feel vulnerable and lacking in confidence. My best friend is moving away in September, only London but it's still quite far and I'm just dreading what things will be like. So AIBU?

Sorry this is so long, but any advice or kicks up the ass would be great.

Honestly I think you should talk with your friends about how you're feeling. I bet they'll be a lot kinder than some of the people responding here have been.
You're probably getting different reactions in the group chat because your situation is different. As I said earlier sometimes it seems like the better option not to keep asking someone to do something when you know they probably can't but would've loved too.
There could be lots of different reasons they're behaving differently to you, it could be well intentioned or they could be shallow as feck but unless you ask you won't know.
If it's not deliberate then you've cleared the air if it is then if friends of over a decade think it's ok to freeze you out because your circumstances have changed then you're better off without them hard and all as it is to accept.
If you don't address it the confusion and hurt will continue for you, reach some sort of conclusion one way or the other and move on from this situation that's causing you such hurt.

I feel really sorry for you, I think this kind of thing happens fairly often. My 'friends' before I had my kids were the same, nobody wants a mummy about it's heartbreaking to go through, but I'd make some mummy friends if possible, your life has changed and you are in a new phase of your life and need new friends around you that understand your commitments.

I don't think it's true to say 'nobody wants a mummy about'. The friends probably just want time without kids around... that's not the same as rejecting the OP. I agree it may be worth trying to cultivate some more friends who have children, particularly if you're looking to do stuff at weekends with your ds coming along.
But it's entirely understandable that a group of child-free women lunching out at the weekend don't want a toddler around. That's not harsh or unfeeling.... it's ok to want child free down time!

Have you tried www.letsmush.com/? It's like a Tinder for mum friends, apparently!

They're not all women, it's a mixture of guys and girls. The lunches are just an example of what we might get up to on the weekend; they all go out for a few drinks most weekends in the evening, unless there's something else planned like a night in etc, so the things that happen during the day that I can go to aren't the only moments they have down time. Like I've said before, I can't afford a babysitter. I genuinely can't. And again, as I've said before, it isn't just something like lunch. I'll suggest the cinema and people won't respond. They don't give me the option to ask if my mum can have DS on such a night because they just don't ask me. I get what people are saying but I don't understand why some are acting as though I'm basically forcing myself and my child upon them and expecting them to deal with it when I've repeatedly said that a lot of the time, I don't go for that reason.

God there are some right mean sods on this thread! And people who have no concept if what being a lone parent of a baby is LIKE!
Of course bringing a baby changes the dynamic of certain events, but FGS, OP sounds so reasonable, and is talking about going out for lunch, not clubbing.
I was in the same situation OP, and I had no choice but to bring my baby when I left the house! My friends were all childfree, and I was included in some things, not in others. It was a bit lonely, and tbh I did make some friends through groups and whatnot, but I missed my actual friends. It's weird to be friends with people simply because they also have babies.
Agree, talk to your group, tell them how you feel, have an honest conversation.
And know that not everyone feels like some of the people on this thread. ALL my friends have little kids and babies now, and the dynamic of outings has totally changed, and while it can get tedious to be around (especially as they all seem oblivious to how isolated I was in their situation, and how much I tried not to encroach on their normality) I would never reject or leave someone out for bringing a baby. In other countries its really normal for a mixed group of friends to hang out, with babies, with kids, or without, and nobody cares.

Thank you IFNot

Wait until they all have toddlers and are knackered and taken up with ziplock baggies and potty training, while you serenely waft about with a glass of wine saying "dc? Oh, they are around here somewhere I expect."
What comes around etc..

I'm another who has great sympathy with you OP. You are doing amazing, working full time and being a lone parent. It's tough.
I was the first to have a baby out of my group of friends, and until they have their own, I don't think people realise what it's like. I was lucky because I could get to baby groups and made quite a few friends that way.
It may be worth asking the nursery who your little one 'plays' with (I know he's only young but you know what I mean) and maybe writing a note asking them for a play date.
You must feel let down by your friends. I also understand about a sitter - it is so expensive on top of going out. I go out when my ex has the kids as I can't afford it otherwise.

I'd be hurt too Madam.

Whether right or wrong, it does sounds like the baby coming to some things is an issue for them, which might be causing some of the problems. I also wonder if there's an element of laziness on their part- it is harder to stay in touch with a friend once they have a child. They probably do just want to be a bit spontaneous, not plan things well in advance, work things around when your Mum can babysit, etc.

I am not saying that this is ok- and having had a baby recently, I totally understand how you must feel. But I will confess that I had occasions where friends brought their children to events, and not been overly thrilled about it.

I think I'd try and talk to them again. Maybe only go out when you can get a sitter for a while, and just spend weekends with your DS without worrying about what your friends are up to.

Like I say, I do totally sympathise with you though. It must be very hard

I don't think people are being unkind- I really don't. And I well remember how it felt to double the cost of a meal out because of the babysitting. In fact my social life pretty much ground to a halt by the time all my income was paying for childcare while I worked. Paying for babysitting on top was a stretch too far

But if you can afford to socialise,I second the suggestion by brandnewstart... cultivate some friendships with the other nursery mums. Or could you stretch to paying one of the nursery staff to do extra babysitting? Even if it means going out less, you may find it's worth it. It sounds as though you'd been in a routine of socialising a lot with these friends? It may take a bit of adjustment to cut down on how often, but honestly unless there's some unknown random reason why they're suddenly leaving you out (which would be plain horrid) then I honestly think they just want grown up time

I don't see meanness on this thread. What are we supposed to say - it's too coincidental that op is being dropped by childfree friends after having a baby.

It's no accident that most people spend time with their peers in a similar boat. I think you really need to try and find at least one other single mother with a similar age child by any means possible. I met mine in a coffee shop when I was new in town. Saved my life kids same age introduced me to all her friends etc. I was lonely and had a Dh I can't I imagine how tough it must be on your own.

Babbity I've said this a few times now, I'm being left out of things that I don't bring DS to. I have cut down massively because of the reasons I've already said in terms of not encroaching on them, but as I keep saying, even when I am available or able to go without DS, they don't ask, or don't give me the opportunity to come along. If meeting up in the day was their only free time too, I'd totally get it, but it's not and I'm being excluded out of both day and night things and things where I wouldn't bring DS. I can't make that any clearer.

Well then clearly they have some reason unrelated to you having a child. And there's no way of finding out without confronting someone in the group. Maybe pick the person you're most comfortable with and ask them outright?

The only clue you give in your OP is that your friends were hugely helpful to you and your ds until recently, so I wonder whether maybe the novelty of the cute baby stage has worn off, and they're distancing a bit because they're anxious you might be expecting a lot of support still....?
Which doesn't sound very kind which is why you need to ask outright

The thing is, I don't know anyone whose child free friends didn't drift. You are just in such different places, it's hard to keep things as they were.

I was the first Of certain friends to have dc and tbh we only grew properly close again when they got pregnant and had dc themselves.

Then I became the font of all knowledge and was indispensable! 😉

Just a thought, but as you work full time, maybe your friends don't want to encroach on what they see as your time with ds? They may feel that to invite you along without your ds is eating into your weekend time?

It is hurtful. Has happened to me in the past but try not to take it too personally, as strange as that may seem. Groups bond because of their similar interests and lifestyles. You've suddenly become the odd one out, so sometimes they're forgetting to even think of you when making arrangements, this could be concious or sub-concious. I.e. They don't really mean it. Find new mummy friends for now but don't cut out the old ones completely. Once they start having kids things will even out again, believe me!

Do you think that maybe they just see you as different now you have a child and none of them do. Almost not part of the gang anymore? Clearly you're trying to be involved but I wonder if almost purely because you have a child now that you just don't cross their mind as such. I feel for you, when they have kids they'll realise and look back at how unfair they were.

Think me and supermoo have basically said the same thing!

Your situation sounds really tough, I feel for you. Clearly holding on to those friendships is important to you, and I can imagine that working full time gives you little relief from the grind of the weekdays, and that, you want to remain part of "the group".

But, I agree with shesayso and supermoon - your life is different from theirs now. You aren't as involved (ie you miss nights out due to lack of a sitter), nor is it even possible or appropriate for you to be. I kind of think it's inevitable for you to be "left behind" as you can't keep up or join in as you used to. I suspect it's just a natural evolution of the friendships, sadly.

I think their perception of you has changed. It's very unfair and little you can do about it,

Ask them for the truth if they say your over reacting when it next happen s point it out to them

You all must have really unkind friends. Whenever my friends have had kids, people have been thrilled when the baby comes along to outings. We love taking care of each other's children.

I say this as someone without kids.

OP they sound horrible.

Yanbu at all. So if you have a baby you shoukd stay at home then and not socialise! Babysitters are expensive and not everyone has family and friends they can ask. They don't sound like good friends if they are doing this.

This must be really hurtful.

There has been a lot of research into teen single mums which found that after the first year of their baby's life that contact and support from friends drops off dramatically. Maybe it's not just a teen thing.

I think you've had some really good advice about trying to make new mum friends and making it clear to them that you won't bring along your baby to everything. Sadly at the end of the day, it takes at least 2 people to keep a friendship going and if they aren't responding to your overtures then it may be that they become more casual friends over the next few years and you reconnect when they have kids.