To want details of our infertility not shared

[WyclefJohn]

I'm a man, who has an infertility condition, and it's something I'm shy about. Only two very close female friends of mine know. My wife has a wide circle of friends and tells them everything, including the latest results of my sperm counts. I told her I'm unhappy about it, although I would be fine if she we tell her best friends, her parents if she wanted.

My wife's argument is that it affects her too? Am I being unreasonable to want a little discretion?

No, You are NBU. I understand your wife wanting to talk and to share, but I do think a level of discretion is required here. You are perfectly within your rights to not want her to share such intimate details.

No, YANBU at all.

No YADNBU. You said you don't mind best friend and parents so she's got someone to talk too including yourself.

No yanbu. It's not something everyone needs to know about. I think your wife is bu.

I agree with the others, YANBU. You should decide as a couple what's personal and what's public and both respect that.

Yanbu but people always assume it's the woman who has the fertility problem. On my case it was my dh and there were times when I got heartily sick of the assumption it's a woman issue. Friends would say "well my friend tried xyz and got pregnant" er, xyz ain't going to improve m dhs sperm count. It's very frustrating so while I appreciate your desire for privacy I also sympathise with your wife

YANBU. You have a right to privacy concerning your own body. She shouldn´t be sharing information about you that you don´t want shared to her friends.

Wow!

I bet she wouldn't be too impressed if you shared with your mates her bra size. 😳

It seems pretty unanimous. I try to explain my desire for discretion, but she doesn't agree

Yanbu but people always assume it's the woman who has the fertility problem.

True, but she could just say "No, he has the problem", and be done with it. No need to get into the details.

I understand her wanting to share the latest progresses with her friends, but surely, her best friends would be enough to share with?

If you've asked her not to then she definitely shouldn't!
BTW it's nothing to be embarrassed about, it's hardly your fault!

ltb

if you cant trust her with your most personal secrets, what do you have left

YANBU.

It might be nothing to be embarrassed about, but you are embarrassed and she has to respect your right to privacy.

She's being selfish. It's your medical history, not hers. Besides, whilst it affects her, it doesn't need to affect everybody she knows.

YANBU. Ask her how she would feel if she was the one with low ovarian reserves and you were telling everyone you met - at work and down the pub?

In your shoes I would politely ask her not to share personal and private details about YOUR body and medical issues. If she refuses then calmly let her know that you will not be telling her details of any future tests or sperm counts - and that if you're an at appointment together you will ask for you to receive the results separately -
because she will not respect your right to confidentiality.

Well she can disagree all she wants. But it's your medical information and you have a right to absolutely 100% demand that it's not shared with nosy parkers.

Blabbing about your sperm count over the prosseco to a wide circle of people is bullshit. If she needs to talk in confidence about her fertility struggles you've already said she can say it to her best friends.

Since her best friends apparently aren't enough, she's demanding to say it to all and sundry. Nope.

Put your foot down. Time for a big row, I think. Expect sulking. But the important thing is that she agrees to limit it to best friends only.

also tell everyone all her secrets- see how she likes it

first grey hair, couldnt fit in a dress because of weight gain, "sorry dw cant come swimming today because shes on her period" etc etc

i bet she changes her tune quickly

I sympathise, however, the change in your sperm count affects her getting pregnant, it's not as if it's something that doesn't affect her. It's natural to discuss the changes in the likelihood of you getting pregnant and as such I would get over my own desire for privacy.

I would add that IMO your wife should never be sharing information like this with anyone other than medics. Other people do not have much respect for your confidential information, as you will have observed. And that includes friends, family and in this case your DW, regrettably.

I really sympathise with you, and now the cat is out of the bag, can your wife be persuaded to stop broadcasting about your problem going forward? If she is needing emotional support during this time she should get it from a specialist rather than random people in the friendship circle over a latte and a chocolate muffin.

I see it's not my fault, but rightly or wrongly, it's something I do feel embarrassed about

YANBU, but fertility issues are nothing to be ashamed of or feel embarrassed about.

Sorry, cross posts with Elspeth who probably said it better.

araiwa You're consistent at least. Though I'm not sure that consistently posting nasty posts is anything to be proud of.

In fact in your shoes I'd be seriously considering whether I wanted to go through fertility treatment with someone who was so selfish and insensitive. And I say that as someone who is also infertile.

As you're probably finding out, FT is a roller-coaster and can put a lot of pressure on you and your relationship. It's crucial that you both support each other and that you're on the same page. If she refuses to see that her running her mouth is causing you upset and embarrassment, then I'd be reluctant to undergo any more tests and treatment. Her attitude doesn't suggest that she has much care or respect for you, so I'd be having a serious think about whether this was the right person to try and have a child with.

Annie - OP isn't asking his wife to keep it a secret. He's just asked that she keep it to her BF and family only, rather than telling her entire circle of friends. I can't help but wonder what the response would be if the situation were reversed and it was his wife posting asking if she WBU to be upset that her DH was telling every random acquaintance about her infertility?