To want details of our infertility not shared

[WyclefJohn]

I'm a man, who has an infertility condition, and it's something I'm shy about. Only two very close female friends of mine know. My wife has a wide circle of friends and tells them everything, including the latest results of my sperm counts. I told her I'm unhappy about it, although I would be fine if she we tell her best friends, her parents if she wanted.

My wife's argument is that it affects her too? Am I being unreasonable to want a little discretion?

quayboard. Yeah, because specialists are known for having loads of time to chat & be supportive. They never mind you ringing them up on a Saturday afternoon when you've just found out a friend is pregnant, or a Friday night when your period arrives.

I have 2 close friends that I tell most things too. I even feel a bit bad sometimes about that, but I need someone to talk to. But even that would not be going into details, if just say we're having problems etc.

However, I would never EVER tell my wider circle of female friends any intimate details of my relationship/health issues and I don't think it's fair of her to do so either.

Can you agree on what you would be comfortable with? So,mfirm example could she say, ' the latest test was quite encouraging/ not as good as we'd hoped for?'

She's a sharer and talker, you are not. Neither is wrong, although giving all and sundry details of your most personal life does sit badly with me. However, since she is what she is try to find a compromise that works for you both.

Good luck with your treatment.

YANBU, whilst it may affect her it's your medical information and nobody has the right to share this, I am the one who had infertility problems and I would have been furious if DH had been talking about it to people, it's a gross invasion of privacy.

We told my family my dh has a below average number of average sperm but an above average sperm count so it all evens out as fine. This pretty much translated to them as dh having a problem and the reason for my needing ivf. I can see why you want it kept quiet as people often make quick conclusions.

Annie, If its not possible to carry on day to day life without constant support then I guess you have a point.

But would you agree that professional people who understand these issues and can offer coping mechanisms are what someone with infertility problems really needs? I have been affected by this and I am talking about where I got help.

YADNBU. For the "general" acquaintance, a comment such as " there are problems for both of us" is how I would put it. after all, you are trying to have a child TOGETHER.

She seems angry and resentful, and I'm not at all surprised you are pissed off. Honestly, with all the stress involved in assisted conception, I think you two should urgently seek some couples counselling. Otherwise, I think it unlikely your marriage will survive in the long term. I mean this kindly, and I speak from bitter experience.

But YADNBU

YANBU. I'd refuse more tests until she agreed to be discreet.

Not not at all. Your wife is being very insensitive in not listening to what you are saying.

Life sound tough for you, without everyone knowing the ins and outs of your body.

She is being unreasonable. Some things should not be shared and she should respect that.

I have a lot of sympathy with you both here. I can completely see why you don't want this shared with a 'wide group of friends' and although I think it's very sad that you find this embarrassing - I wish there wasn't such a stigma around fertility issues, and I wish that men in particular didn't so frequently equate producing 'good swimmers' with manliness, which makes it so hard for men with fertility issues - I can understand why you find it upsetting.

I can also sympathise with your wife, though. I have fertility issues, and although mine are quite different (I can get pregnant, I just don't keep the pregnancies for long) I've ended up telling more people than I would have thought I would. There are only three people (two closest friends and my mother) that I sought out to tell them what had happened after the first miscarriage, but since then I've just sort of found myself telling a handful of other people as it's come up in conversation. For me it's not something I want to shout from the rooftops but nor is it something I want to lie about. At particularly bad points I've also found it very hard to hide my discomfort when having children comes up as a topic of conversation, and again there I'd rather people knew the truth than that they guessed for themselves what was wrong. What I'm trying to say is, she's not necessarily treating this as a fun topic of conversation or as gossip, and nor did she necessarily set out to tell all her friends. Once you've told someone it's quite hard not to give updates; one reason I wish I had told fewer people, in hindsight, is the looks I get now if I either do or clearly don't drink alcohol. I know it feels to you like she's broadcasting your personal business thoughtlessly, and I completely understand why you feel like that and why that's hard, but I'm not so certain that that's how she'd see it.

YANBU, not a teeny tiny bit. I think it's really insensitive and unkind of her.

YANBU. Infertility is stressful enough, whatever the cause or solution. I'm a woman BTW.

Yanbu because it's how it makes you feel, but on the other hand it's nothing to be ashamed of, so your sperm count is low it's no different to your body not producing insulin or blood not clotting, it's just something your body does (or doesn't do) it makes you no less of a person.
Speaking to her friends may be your wife's way of normalising it and helping herself deal with the struggle you're both having, try not to be too harsh 😊

Show her this thread...!

Thanks Margaret. My wife says she finds it difficult to lie as her friends talk about contraception, whether we want children, and once the floodgates are open, she can't then not update. And it's not all and sundry. At latest count, it's about five good school friends, five or so friends from university, her family, and a few colleagues

We told no one as I don't like being the subject of gossip. It was the best way honestly I cringe when people tell everyone everything

You're not at all unreasonable!!

Best thing I can suggest is that you go to the appointments alone or get results alone. Then you can choose the information she gets to receive. May be a bit shit for to not know full details but she obviously can't be trusted.

I guess that's about the same number as I've told, if I sit and think about it. As I said, I didn't mean to tell that many people at all (I don't normally think of myself as an oversharer!) and it happened over a good few months, I didn't all at once start telling everyone I saw. Again, I don't think you're at all wrong or unreasonable to feel as you do, but unlike everyone else I don't think this makes her untrustworthy or completely uncaring about your feelings.

I sympathise but at the same time, male factor infertility is the only medical condition I know of where the treatment is to take a perfectly healthy other person, pump them full of drug and then knock them out and take them into an operating theatre.

So while it is your medical information, it is her that is going to bear the brunt of the consequences of it, and her that needs the support of people to get through the treatment

Posters comparing it to telling people in the pub about her periods are being ridiculous

Perhaps there is a middle ground. She doesn't need to keep it a secret but she doesn't need to tell everyone in her friendship group

But YABU to expect her not to want support, and YABU to think this is some dirty little secret of yours that needs hiding from the world

I think it's difficult. I do think YANBU at all. But I also think people treat men and women very differently, and men and women are encouraged to do very different things to process the issues. I've been going to various fertility clinics for a while now, and only once has a man looked me in the eye or talked to me - not in a nasty way, but the men all keep their heads down and are silent (except for one bloke who was chattering nervously about his wife having just had embryo transfer! I hope it went well for them).

I get the impression that some men feel almost as if something like a low sperm count is a personal shame. It's awful and very unfair. Many women (I'm sure not all) talk about these things, because there is already a culture of women talking about pregnancy and pregnancy struggles. There's simply more to talk about! So women perhaps find it more automatic to seek out someone to talk to.

I wonder if you'd be ok with your wife maybe posting on an anonymous forum, like this one? That was she could get some support, but it wouldn't hurt your privacy.

I am only saying this for context, though - the bottom line doesn't change. She really shouldn't be going against your wishes to people you both know.

It's natural to discuss the changes in the likelihood of you getting pregnant and as such I would get over my own desire for privacy.

Really? You'd be happy with your gynaecological details being discussed by people in detail?

OP, YANBU. There is no need for your wife to be disclosing your medical issues without your consent. A simple "we are having fertility problems" is sufficient.

I'm afraid Op, people are nosey. Women far more so than men as they tend to be far more garrulous social creatures.

It's difficult for a woman to lie to her friends. And why should she? The generic conversation at a specific time with a specific group will be career/marriage/house buying/family etc. These are the people who support you through your life events, if you let them.

If your embarrassed then that is your issue to deal with, but don't attempt to isolate her from her support group. Because she will be needing those people one day for very different reasons.

So while it is your medical information, it is her that is going to bear the brunt of the consequences of it, and her that needs the support of people to get through the treatment

And she can get that without disclosing medical information that is not hers.

Cross posted with spare saying I sympathise but at the same time, male factor infertility is the only medical condition I know of where the treatment is to take a perfectly healthy other person, pump them full of drug and then knock them out and take them into an operating theatre.

That's unfair. You go on the MN fertility threads and you will find loads of perfectly healthy women who are undergoing that same treatment for infertile female partners or friends. Lots of women have babies with donated eggs, when their male partners have perfectly healthy sperm.

You may not like the idea of fertility treatment and you may have ethical questions, but it is not something that only involves healthy women having treatment because their male partners need it.