To want details of our infertility not shared

[WyclefJohn]

I'm a man, who has an infertility condition, and it's something I'm shy about. Only two very close female friends of mine know. My wife has a wide circle of friends and tells them everything, including the latest results of my sperm counts. I told her I'm unhappy about it, although I would be fine if she we tell her best friends, her parents if she wanted.

My wife's argument is that it affects her too? Am I being unreasonable to want a little discretion?

When it's a shared problem, the right for the partner who has clearly stated their wish for privacy should be fully respected.

It's nonsensical of your DW to think "it's half about me and half about you". It's like trying to take the milk out of the cappuccino. SWBU not to respect your wishes. Why couldn't she have consulted with professionals or an infertility support group? I really feel for you OP

If she was the one with fertility problems, would she be happy having her egg count and quality being discussed amongst her DH's friends?

If she was the one with fertility problems, would she be happy having her egg count and quality being discussed amongst her DH's friends?

Maybe she would, maybe she wouldn't. As I said, I was actively pleased when my husband started confiding in people about the miscarriages I'd had.

It's not about 'her' it's about him. He doesn't want it and has asked nicely - end of. Shut up. She is being massively disrespectful and rude.

Some people are really private though. I am like that. I don't air my dirty laundry in public. I don't tell my step mum or MIL anything because they blab their mouths off to everyone. I have had times in the past when I have told them very sensitive info and then they say things like "Betty down the road said she's sorry to hear your Down's test came back 1 in 15 and that you are having an amnio. She said they are really dangerous, and wouldn't let her daughter do that". Seriously, I have had to put up with shit like that.

As I said, I was actively pleased when my husband started confiding in people about the miscarriages I'd had.

And if he'd done it when you'd asked him not to?

But soup, a miscarriage is something both parties go through. A woman doesn't have the right to tell her partner he can't process his grief at losing their child because she is embarrassed about discussing her womb.
Or if she does say that, she is being totally unreasonable

And infertility is the same. It is a shared problem that impacts both parties and needs to be processed by both parties in the best way for them

The sooner we lose this bullshit shame and secrecy around infertility and pregnancy loss, the better. It is ridiculous that these are the prevailing attitudes when decades of evidence show the more it is talked about, the better people cope

Eh, I wouldn't immediately judge her as the worstest person ever.

It could be she just doesn't get just how embarrassed he feels about it.

Someone suggested telling friends when she has her period to get back at her...well, I tell friends myself that I feel shitty because period cramps!
(And the only reson why I usually don't do it with males is because they go all "Oh not, TMI, I didn't want to know".)

Apparently she's explained her friends were nosy and she couldn't withstand the social pressure? That's an explanation, though not an excuse.

I hope she gets it now!

It is ridiculous that these are the prevailing attitudes

Right, so the OP is ridiculous for wanting privacy about his own body.

I honestly believe that had this been a woman complaining about her DH disregarding her wishes and sharing information about her failing ovaries people would call him all sorts of names.

Why on earth would you have an issue with people knowing this stuff? It's not your fault or something to be ashamed about.

I wouldn't have known that that was supposed to be a Top Secret either if I were your wife. It's just like any other medical issue, like having a broken leg. Treatment is needed, why wouldn't she discuss it with close friends?

I also think men and women experience infertility very differently. It's known to cause women to suffer clinical depression. If my partner dealt with it by turning to friends and discussing stuff I'd prefer that to them sinking alone.

Soup, a few people including me, have explained why it isn't analogous to compare this with OP sharing his wife's medical information

No one is suggesting OP walks around with a 'I'm infertile' tshirt nor for his DW to discuss all his health issues

But his infertility is inextricably linked with her life and presumably her worries, and in all likelihood, her future medical treatment.
So for her to lie about it or pretend it isn't happening or to not be allowed to get support is just cruel

Why on earth would you have an issue with people knowing this stuff?

The OP shouldn't need to justify themselves to anyone. We all have different thresholds of comfort in how much we want the outside world to know about our intimate bodily functions. Privacy is a right. Between husband and wife it involves trust and knowing how to protect the other person's feelings.

The trouble nowadays is that stuff like social media has made it so commonplace to discuss and brag about everything and overshare every aspect of life, that it isn't seen to be a big deal.

But it really is.

But his infertility is inextricably linked with her life and presumably her worries, and in all likelihood, her future medical treatment.
So for her to lie about it or pretend it isn't happening or to not be allowed to get support is just cruel

But it's not about her. He has asked her not to, whether you agree with his reasoning is irrelevant. She is deliberately and flagrantly ignoring the request of her partner. This is cruel and unpleasant. As women we complain when men don't express how they feel and then run roughshod over their emotions when they do express them.

She doesn't have to lie, she simply says she doesn't want to give details because it is painful. She can talk about her emotions just not the details. It really is not hard.

"We have had a setback......" rather than "DPs sperm count is X or Y".
See - not difficult.

Soup, a few people including me, have explained why it isn't analogous to compare this with OP sharing his wife's medical information

And a few people, including me, think you are wrong.

"We have had a setback......" rather than "DPs sperm count is X or Y".
See - not difficult.

It's virtually the same unless they don't know who the problem lies with, in which case the op is hindered in getting support for their shared problem.

Like anything it's compromise. The op has said that two of his close friends know. Can't they just agree to limit it to a few close friends of hers rather than her telling less good friends and acquaintances?

It is great that 2 posters with no direct experience of infertility or IVF, and one who has form for some rather unpleasant comments on IVF and infertility, are suddenly experts in how people should deal with the emotional and physical stresses and strains it puts on people and their relationships

Why on earth would you have an issue with people knowing this stuff? It's not your fault or something to be ashamed about.

I had fertility problems (my issue) which are now thankfully very much overcome as I have 3 children.

You might think that if people know you have fertility problems it's just tea and sympathy but that's not the case at all. There is huge stigma attached to these issues and people can be outright vile about them. Think 'oh you should be careful with your kids around her because she's infertile. She might try and snatch them or alienate their affection from you to her' or 'everything happens for a reason so if you're infertile it must be because you'd make a terrible parent' or 'well it must have been something you did, you must have drunk or been promiscuous and got STDs or had an abortion'. You're seen as a half woman and a lot of women with children are very cruel to the childless excluding them and seeing them as less important or valuable.

Men get called 'jaffa' and are seen as being sexually defective, having no lead in their pencil and as being weak effeminate half man who deserve mockery.

Infertility is traumatic enough without having that shit thrown in because your partner has a big gob. In fact I suspect his DW might be so keen to mouth off about his sperm count precisely because she's keen to let people know her childlessness isn't her 'fault'. She'll get much more sympathy that way including being asked whether she will leave him to find a 'proper' man.

Like anything it's compromise. The op has said that two of his close friends know. Can't they just agree to limit it to a few close friends of hers rather than her telling less good friends and acquaintances?

The problem is it's a bit late now. They can (and I think she absolutely should) agree to tell no one else, but she can't do anything about the people she's already told - if she doesn't tell them anything about how things are going they'll still wonder and notice things. As I said earlier, this is actually why I wouldn't have told a couple of the people that I told about my own problems - I wanted them to know when I was in a really bad patch, but I didn't think about what it would be like to see them look at me sadly every time I drink a pint for the foreseeable future.

billsykes I agree that the casual cruelty of (a minority of) the fertile towards the infertile is astonishing; there are plenty of threads on this forum that demonstrate the weird contempt that some people have for the infertile, and the misplaced pride they have over their own fertility. As you say, though, this is something you don't understand until you have your own issues (I didn't), and so I think it's unfair to suggest that his wife is deliberately bringing all this to bear upon the two of them, and upon him in particular.

It is great that 2 posters with no direct experience of infertility...

The OP has direct experience of it and he doesn't want his medical details discussed. Apparently his opinion is irrelevant though. Probably because he is a man.

There is absolutely no need to go into any detail of the problem. The details of the actual cause are of no relevance to the wife getting support. No one needs to know his sperm count at all.

spare, I dunno if that comment about two posters with no experience of infertility was aimed at me (I know I disagreed with you), but I do have experience with fertility issues.

ElspethFlashman Sun 11-Jun-17 12:51:15

Well the cats well and truly out of the bag now, isn't it?

She's told about 15 people "he has a low sperm count".

I think that's bloody out of order, tbh. She sounds like she has s mouth the size of the channel tunnel.

And when he objected? She gets shirty and defensive. Even though so far HE is the only one having treatment!

I can't think how it's defensible.

I agree with this. While I can see OP's wife might need the support of a couple of friends, it's beginning to look as if she's telling everyone. And of course, you can't control what those people might say to others.

She needs to be more sensitive to the wish for privacy that her husband has. It is his medical information after all.

There is absolutely no need to go into any detail of the problem. The details of the actual cause are of no relevance to the wife getting support. No one needs to know his sperm count at all.

I don't really see what difference giving the actual figures makes either way - it won't mean much to anyone who hasn't had a very similar problem. She is presumably saying things along the lines of 'it is not getting any better' or 'it is only getting very slightly better'.

And I think it does make a big difference to her getting support. As someone previous said, if she hadn't said what the problem was she would have got a ton of advice aimed at her - supplements, acupuncture and other woo, and the inevitable and infuriating 'it'll happen when you relax'. You obviously disagree about whether it's acceptable for her to share this information to get support, and I think that's a fair argument to have, but it isn't the case that she would be able to access the same support for what she's feeling and going through without giving any suggestions of what the problem is.

No, LRD, it wasn't...
I saw upthread you talked about your history...

However, a quick AS on a couple of other posters have revealed they are quite anti-IVF and people 'whinging' about their infertility, so I can't help but wonder if that is clouding their views on the OP's DW in this thread