To want details of our infertility not shared

[WyclefJohn]

I'm a man, who has an infertility condition, and it's something I'm shy about. Only two very close female friends of mine know. My wife has a wide circle of friends and tells them everything, including the latest results of my sperm counts. I told her I'm unhappy about it, although I would be fine if she we tell her best friends, her parents if she wanted.

My wife's argument is that it affects her too? Am I being unreasonable to want a little discretion?

For what it's worth, my husband has also told a few people (his parents and one of his work colleagues) and I was actually very pleased about that: I knew he was having to put a lot of himself into both processing his emotions about it all and supporting me, and I'd rather he talked to someone trusted about it all than that he bottled it up.

Just for information, Up to now, ivf is not on the cards, and the treatment is with me (daily injections), scans at the hospital, ultrasounds, etc.

LRD I think that's maybe not quite the point spare was making? Her point is that MFI is unusual in that it's a health condition that impacts on the partner not just emotionally but physically. It really is a shared problem in a way that him having, say, diabetes wouldn't be, and so much more 'her business' to share.

Discussing details of your sperm count is massive over sharing. I can't imagine ever wanting to know that about a friend's partner or husband.

Not discussing that the fertility issues are on your side might be asking too much but it could be kept general Eg. We went for some tests today so fingers crossed they've helped DH.

You can emotionally support a friend without needing every little detail.

But she's incorrect, which is the point. She said it's the only condition that works like this, with the implication that the OP in this scenario is in a position he would never expect his wife to be in.

Actually, if they have been investigated for low fertility, they will very likely both have had to imagine what might happen if either of them had certain conditions.

All fertility issues between a couple are shared issues, surely? And many of them require some treatment for both partners.

That's one of the most disloyal thing a husband or wife can do to their partner, sharing such personal information with friends. Vile.

LRD
I think you've misunderstood my point.
Male factor infertility is treated with IVF and ICSI, except for a very few cases where count can be improved by estrogen blocking drugs.

So while it is OP that has the medical issue, they are now as a couple infertile, and the treatment will be undertaken by his wife. So his problem is now her problem, and it isn't really fair on her to try and draw a line under this being his confidential medical information - I can't believe one PP tried to suggest hiding it from her - clearly they don't know how infertility treatment works!

I've had 11 rounds of ICSI and transfers. I know how this works. I know how awful DH felt that despite my fertility tests showing I was in pretty good shape, I had to pump myself full of drugs and risk my health, and lie to work and have anaesthetics and feel really awful.
All because there is no treatment for sperm issues other than ICSI.

If he said to me that I wasn't allowed to tell any of my friends what I was going through, other than a bland 'we are having fertility issues' I would have felt totally let down.

I needed the support far more than he needed to be spared a bit of minor embarrassment

I didn't misunderstand. I do know what you're talking about (and I think I've acknowledged that in my posts, and the need women often have for support).

I just think it's not fair to draw a line between men and women on this one, which I felt your post did.

I think she is being unreasonable telling everyone when you don't want it to be common knowledge.

We were in the same position (MF) and I wouldn't have dreamt of telling people such personal information about DH, even though it affected me and at the time it looked as though we would have needed ICSI (where I would be the one going through the treatment, which DH would have felt incredibly guilty about). In the end DH was very upfront about the MF issue, partly to raise awareness and partly because every time we mentioned that we had fertility issues and would need IVF, people instantly assumed the fertility issue was mine. I do appreciate that many men don't feel that confident and, OP, you really shouldn't be forced to tell everyone your medical problems simply because it has an effect on your partner. There is nothing to stop her telling her friends what's happening in more vague/general terms.

But you are wrong on a couple of points you've made.
They won't necessarily both have to undertake medical treatment - of everyone I know with male factor issues, and from 4+years on various boards, it is a lot - none of them men have had anything more invasive than a blood test and needing to wank in a cup.

And I can't think of a single thing the OP's wife could be diagnosed with where the doctors will turn around and say 'so to cure this, we are going to treat your DH'
So she is in a position that he will never find himself in, and that absolutely should be a factor in where the line gets drawn on what is his vs her information to share

If my friends saw a situation where I was having to have 2 or 3 injections a day, plus daily hospital visits and blood tests, and I wouldn't tell them why beyond 'we are having issues' or even worse 'DH has told me I can't talk about it', I would be seriously worried for them

There is also the other issue being sterotypical about it. Women need more emotional friends than men do. Look at the relationship boards or here on AIBU - lots of women complaining that friends arent offering enough emotional support to X friend on Y issue. OPs wife absolutely does not see it as a privacy issue because privacy comes second to the emotional support needed.

From a male perspective a handful of people is reasonable to get support from but many women seem to want every other women they speak to to be new best friends and share everything. Hence the OPs wife opening up as soon as the conversation starts with no consideration for how her husband feels. Spare epitomises this with the line I needed the support far more than he needed to be spared a bit of minor embarrassment which, if nothing else, states the she gets to decide how her DH and other men feel.

From a male perspective a handful of people is reasonable to get support from but many women seem to want every other women they speak to to be new best friends and share everything. Hence the OPs wife opening up as soon as the conversation starts with no consideration for how her husband feels.

I think this is unfair and nasty. OP has already said that she's not telling everyone she meets, but that she's told about 12 or 13 friends, plus her family. That seems like a lot when you list them all out, but if you do have a couple of close-knit friendship groups it's quite easy to end up telling that many people over time without meaning to. As I said, I have.

I didn't say 'necessarily,' though, did I? And yes, I see what you are saying, but the OP's wife very likely will have thought 'and what will happen if I can't use my own eggs/can't carry a pregnancy ... will I used donated eggs; would I seek a surrogate'. So she will have had to think about these issues, too.

I don't want to make too much of this as I feel it's not completely on topic - just to say that I raised the issue because I think it's slightly unfair to the OP to act as if he's engaged in some whole-scale masculine oppression of women here. And I slightly felt your post had that ring to it.

Tricky one as I would like to think my DH would understand my need for emotional support (MN is always full of posters so upset about their childlessness that some can't even be near pregnant women, so there is no doubt it needs emotional support if you are naturally a sharer). But then equally I should understand his embarrassment.

Normally I agree that medical information should be confidential and private if wanted, but on balance in this particular instance, I agree with sparechange that I needed the support far more than he needed to be spared a bit of minor embarrassment is probably true.

She doesnt have to agree with your desire for privacy - but she should respect it.
If someone told me their partners sperm count, I'd call them out.

I had fertility treatment for 10 years and I can say that it is the worst feeling in the whole world. Luckily for me I had a husband who didn't feel the need to blab his mouth off to everyone about my polycystic ovaries just to make him feel better.

Your wife's need to tell her friends does not trump your feelings and privacy. She can still get the sympathy she needs from friends by telling them that there are issues but the doctors can't explain them. Its no ones fault. This actually does make up a large no. of fertility cases.

Tell your wife that the added pressure of knowing the whole world is discussing how fast your boys can swim is too much and you don't want to do it anymore. That'll do it.

A watched pot takes longer to boil.

She doesn't HAVE to update. Nor does she have to lie. What exactly is stopping her from saying that you're (as in both of you) looking at treatment to help with TTC but that she doesn't want to talk about it and would appreciate not being questioned on it. See - easy.

I'd feel very upset and let down that someone who professed to love and care for me, was prioritising their need to tell everybody over my request to maintain a modicum of privacy about MY medical issues. Does she give a shit about your feelings at all, or does she see this as an episode of a soap opera where she's got viewers invested and can't 'let them down' by not telling them every brush and blow of the story?

Oh and it's not just friends and family that she's told - it's also work colleagues - so quite a large number of people when you add it up. It certainly doesn't gel with OP asking his wife to keep the news to very close friends and family only.

I've had multiple questions from various colleagues over the years over whether I'm planning to TTC and these are easily brushed off. There's only been one person who was incredibly persistent and she backed off after a hard stare and me asking why she wanted to know when I was next planning to have unprotected sex.

There are only a very select few, who have become good friends and who I have know for a LONG time, who know that I am infertile. There is no requirement to answer questions; there's nothing stopping her from changing the subject, or saying that she doesn't want to discuss it in detail.

How hard is it the understand? He asks her not to because it is his private medical information so she shuts up. Simple

Me and DH both had issues, I'm happy to share I have endometriosis with people but I just say DH had issues too and leave it at that. I'm a very open person and there isn't a huge amount I'm not happy to discuss but your wife is being hugely disrespectful and even though infertility affects you as a couple, this ISN'T her medical issue to blab to all and sundry and she needs to respect that whether she agrees or not.

Your wife's need to tell her friends does not trump your feelings and privacy. She can still get the sympathy she needs from friends by telling them that there are issues but the doctors can't explain them. Its no ones fault.

But that's an actual lie.

I'm still on the fence with this one but your title is true.
"To want details of our infertility not shared" - Note the "our". It's her problem too.

I don't think either of you are wrong. I think a compromise is needed where you agree she can "share" with a handful of very close friends - Op you mentioned 5 in her immediate circle of good friends, but that she doesn't discuss it with anyone else (with the proviso that if those 5 or so, can't keep it to themselves then they must also be out of the loop).

Personally I would want to tell my 4 very best friends and would find it hard not to. Fortunately I've never experienced the heartbreak of being infertile but I can recognise from posts on here that it is an awful experience. You might not need that support op but perhaps you do need to recognise that your DW does. Concentrate on the idea that infertility shouldn't be an embarrassment, even though you know that idea is fine in theory but harder to feel in practice.

to you both and good luck with your treatment.

It's a white lie. So what?

My best friend and I literally cried on each others shoulders every time we got our period. She lost a baby. We talked in-depth about treatment and feelings. I never once asked her who had the problem or what it was. You can talk about fertility and how sad it makes you without knowing what the blokes sperm count is or how many eggs you make after injections.

But given their current situation (he's having treatment to try and improve his results) if she doesn't say what the problem is, she can't say anything about it at all, really. For instance, if they get bad news in that his sperm analysis isn't getting better with treatment - how can she talk about her feelings about this news while pretending they have unexplained infertility?

Well the cats well and truly out of the bag now, isn't it?

She's told about 15 people "he has a low sperm count".

I think that's bloody out of order, tbh. She sounds like she has s mouth the size of the channel tunnel.

And when he objected? She gets shirty and defensive. Even though so far HE is the only one having treatment!

I can't think how it's defensible.