He wont admit he has a problem

[Rriot]

DP and I live together with my DS from a previous relationship.

Before we moved in he lived with his parents and I saw him most weekends and we would usually go out for a few drinks.

After we moved in it became apparent that he drinks alot more than I realised. He drinks every night in the house, up to six or seven cans a night. He obviously has built up a tolerance for drinking this amount as he isn't drunk during the week from drinking at home. It later transpired that it has been about ten years since he has had a completely alcohol-free day. He goes out after work at the weekend and will have several pints and this is when he does get drunk. If I'm not out with him he appears home, and I have to put him to bed as he is too wasted to even take his own shoes off. There have been times where he has been sick and I've had to clean him up, he has fallen, and a couple of times has woken up still drunk/sleepwalking and wet the bed. Last night he ended up going to the toilet in the kitchen bin, there was mess all over the kitchen floor and for the first time ever I lost my patience and shouted at him.

Following that, he appeared to sober up and tried to apologise but I am at my limit of how much more I can take.

I tried to explain to him how mentally draining it is to sit at home every Friday, calculating how much money he has taken out with him to work out how much he will have to drink and what sort of state that means he will come home in to mentally prepare myself for what I'll be dealing with. How difficult it is to join him if we go out together and have him poke fun at me in front of his friends because he gets really insensitive when he is drunk. The fact it's damaging his health and I'm worried sick about him.

He thinks that because he is able to hold down his job and that he isn't drunk every night that it's not a problem. He says I knew what I was getting into and if I am so unhappy, why haven't I left him? We are by no means well off either and the amount of money he spends on alcohol is crazy- I never have money to spend on myself but he manages to find it one way or another.

I am suffering from depression and anxiety (present before I even met him, so not as a result of this). More recently (possibly due to the stress of living like this but also due to work and things too) it has been worse and he had quite a frank discussion with me (kindly) about how my moods were affecting all of us and that I needed to address it. I listened to him and have sought treatment and made an effort to improve things and with his support I am feeling a bit better and my moods are no longer taking their toll on our relationship.

He thinks that because it's not a problem with regards to his work or because he isn't having any visible side effects that his drinking isn't a problem. He isn't affected by it but I am and that doesn't seem to matter.

He is an otherwise very affectionate, generous and fun partner. I love him to death which is why I'm not just walking away. I want to find a way to resolve this and help him address his drinking so we can move forward but I know I can't do that until he accepts that his habit is causing him damage and us damage.

DS isn't around when there is drinking going on and isn't directly affected by it but I know this could change and at that point I will have no choice but to leave for his sake but I love my partner and I want to help him, not abandon him. He just doesn't want or think he needs it.

Rriot

I'd say that Shoots post ended up very useful, as your reply was very true and something you need to try and really believe in... it's not in your power to 'allow' or limit your partners alcohol and habits.

The truth is you can't ever change an adults behaviour. They have to do it all by themselves.

No matter what promises they make or how many times you try and manage moods and persuade someone... it's a waste of time and effort, just creates heart break for you.

All you can do is decide whether you can stomach living with someone who's first love is alcohol. Someone who will always hurt, betray and abandon you by their choices. Someone who will take away your ability to control and manage your own life and family life.

Or whether you leave. And if you do leave it will be a shorter, sharper pain for you... versus a slow, long wound that infects everything for years.

You seem to be the one who's desperately clinging to a relationship the other side doesn't particularly care about.
You are enabling him, finding excuses and have a saviour complex the size of a whale.
His addiction = his responsibility.
Your responsibility should be your son, not an alcoholic who doesn't seem ti give a fig about you. The fact that you are sending him the link to this post instead of dealing with it yourself, telling him he's a fucking drunk bastard who needs to get out of your life forever indicates problems with self-esteem. You're so desperate for a relationship that you seem to go for a moron insulting you, crapping in your kitchen bin and showing no respect whatsoever.

Regarding him saying he feels fine, often the liver is damaged and there are no symptoms. It would really be helpful if he could get to the gp and ask for a liver enzyme test. Now I have these tests regularly as my liver still struggles a bit after quite heavy drinking in my 20s.

OP

Another person here whose uncle died with 8 pints of blood in his stomach.

I'm also a teacher and can confirm that the worst home lives are those where alcohol is a problem. One girl in my tutor group had a pint of beer poured over her head by her dad. I could barely look at him at parents' evening. I have a child whose parents can't afford new shoes for her, because, you know, booze is more important.

I am so glad you are now wanting to separate. This is no way to live. Your poor ds. He has to come first.

OP your love for your DP is evident but you must be so exhausted, the daily worry for him and his health must be taking a huge toll on yours.

Right now, your DP loves alcohol more than you. He loves his habit of opening a few cans each night more than you. The longer this goes on, the less likely it is that he can reverse the damage he has done to his health. I'm sorry to put it so bluntly but this is the reality.

You are a fantastic person, you love him and want to help him but sadly you can't. He has heard what you have said but is choosing not to listen. He asked you to address your moods, you listened and took steps, he has enough clarity to see your failings but cannot see his own.

If alcohol was invented today it would be classified as a class A drug and banned. It tears lives and families apart. It is tearing your life apart, all of your energy is focused on keeping him safe or worrying if he is safe.

Please for a moment think about yourself. If you can take on board one point, can I ask that you accept the fact that you cannot change anyone. Strive to make yourself and your son happy, leave this situation just to get some distance to think and with any luck your DP will understand what he has lost and will seek help.

Good luck

Op, I made an account to post on this thread after lurking for years!
I see flashes of anger towards other posters, and I totally get why - it's not easy laying your life out bare for others to scrutinise. That said, have you ever known an AIBU thread to be so unanimous? I haven't. I see you've decided to look for somewhere else to live, and I think that's a good start - at least you won't be having to clean up after this man. It's just the start though, and if you do some work on yourself I reckon you'll find that you're worth a hell of a lot more than what this man has to offer. That little power play when he went out and wouldn't reply to texts (and that was totally about power and control) shows what he really thinks of you. Yes he became drunk as the night went on, but it started when he was sober/near sober.
Take the anger you're feeling and channel it into living the best life you can, and providing the best life you can for your ds. If your p wants to come along for the ride then you make it clear what's acceptable, and more importantly what's not. After all, you say he's a good man when he's not drinking - then surely he wants a partner who is happy, confident, has good self esteem, and has firm boundaries? I'm living proof that you can drag yourself out of a toxic relationship and find happiness afterwards. It takes work, and I know you're struggling without MH issues too, but ive got every faith in you.

Sorry OP I didn't catch your update.

You are so brave. You are doing the right thing by you and your precious DS

You're denying and minimising the current negative impact on your DS and prioritising your DP: your DS and yourself are far more important. Your DP needs to deal with his problem himself. There are services available if he decides to do this: he may well not. Moving out is a good idea: ending the relationship would be best.

Your dp staying out and not contacting you seems deliberate: his primary relationship is with alcohol.

I don't understand how your son is never around your partner's drinking. Where is your son when your partner is drinking 6-7 cans a night? Where is your son when you are cleaning up piss and vomit the next morning? Where is your son when you are worried and frantically texting your p when he goes drinking after work? Where is your son when you are carefully clearing away the cans and making sure your house doesn't smell of alcohol?

OP I am also married to a drunk. I'm not an enabler, but I am at the point of leaving him because I don't want my children to see what they see. My little girl said "Mummy, I'm never going to marry a drunk". She's 10. My son said "Mum, he's a nice bloke but I'm worried one day he might kill you. He's not violent yet, but he could be". My son is 15.
My children are the only things that matter. I owe nothing to the arsehole I married. You owe this man nothing, but you do owe your child a life without him.

Hi OP
You said that in the time you were away from the thread you and your DP went out a few times and got drunk together. Apologies if I misunderstood that but that in itself sends mixed messages to your DP.
I had a problem with alcohol and now I don't drink at all. I go to AA and whilst it hasn't been easy my life is immeasurably better now than it was. I did not drink as much as your DP. You don't have to be drinking with breakfast, or have lost your job or sleep on a park bench to be an alcoholic.
If I can give you any advice from what I have learned from meeting and talking to so many alcoholics in my time in AA it would be this; your DP has a serious drink problem so don't encourage it at all. Al-Anon would be a great place to access support. Lots of pp have suggested it. Even if you think it's a daft idea just go once, you might be surprised and you might learn how to deal with this situation.
I wish you the best for you, your DP and your son.

OP, well done one plans to move out - this will be such a positive step and allow you tell regain some peace.

I know you're feeling put upon by some of the PPs, but I really think the most important thing you can do is acknowledge this WILL be harming your DS, no matter how hard you are trying to keep it from him.

You are obviously a good person willing to go a long way and put up with a lot to help your DP. If you admit the harm he is doing to your son you will be able to channel that generosity of spirit towards someone who deserves it and who you actually CAN help - your little boy.

Let me tell you a story. My dad was a dreadful alcoholic until I was about 12/13. He only stopped because my stepmum (who has self esteem like an armoured tank) told him if he didn't she would leave him and take not only her children but my sister and I with her as he wasn't fit to raise us. Unlike other posters, I completely believe you when you say when he is not drinking, your DP is charming, funny, loving - my dad was and is such a wonderful father, when he's sober. And he always made efforts not to be drunk in front of my sister and I. But we knew. Thus the story:

Before he and my mother divorced, he was drinking heavily every night. My mother has MH problems herself, and was stressed to the eyeballs, but was sure my sister and I (4 and 2) were too young and too protected to have been affected or aware.

One morning after the night before, my dad was sleeping it off after a major session, leaving the front room a total wreck. My mother, at the end of her tether, sat on the stairs weeping quietly, and didn't notice my 4 year old sister coming down the stairs until she took her hand and said "come on mummy, let's tidy away all the bottles and cans and things before [2 year old me] wakes up and sees it." Children know. And they feel like they have to help and protect their own parents, which is a headfuck of no small proportion.

To be completely frank with you, you already have a pre-existing mental health problem you need to defend your child from. I'm sure you do everything you can to ensure it has as little impact on him as possible. But you do not have the spoons to spare to look after this alcoholic too. He will drag you down,worsen your condition, and your little boy will grow up afraid and sad because mummy is afraid and sad. Your primary responsibility is to be a stable, happy parent to your son. Taking on anything else that may jeopardise that is unfair on you, but it is also unfair on him.

I understand the desire to help your DP; one of the side effects of growing up with troubled parents is a feeling of total responsibility, like it's your duty to help everyone, that it is the only way to 'earn' love. You don't want to teach your son that. You want to model to him that he is entitled to happiness, entitled to love, entitled to respect - and the only way you can do that is by showing him, every day, that you expect nothing less for yourself. I am going to struggle so hard to demonstrate this to my daughter, as it goes against the nature I have grown up with. But I am determined to do it, to break the cycle of victimhood. I really hope you do too.

Good luck with the new start! Always remember, putting yourself and your genuine happiness first is putting your little boy first. He needs you to be happy xx

OP, I understand that you feel that you love him and can't walk away.

But this man isn't even your sons parent, and you say you're struggling for money while he pisses it away on alcohol.

Why deprive your son financially for some arsehole that he isn't even related to?

Put your son first before he gets old enough to resent and/or pity you.

I've found a couple of places that would do but will struggle to raise a deposit. I'm going to put my name onto the list for council housing as well.

In the short term, I'm going to ask him to move back to his parents' until I find somewhere.

Thanks all for your words of wisdom and support, even those who I've snapped at for being harsh. I needed to hear it

This makes me so sad. I have been in your shoes. 10 years with exDP. Lost jobs, lost money, lost friends...

The fallouts of the binges were full of sorrow and sadness and promises to sort himself out. I think he genuinely was sorry. But not enough to take that step to sobriety. I supported as best I could. I SO wanted him to get better. But in many ways my support enabled him to do it time and time again. Look up co-dependency.

In the end I thought of the rest of life. Did I want this for the next 40 years? Sure, he might get better. But he might not. And I knew that the chances of him doing that whilst we were together were low. I couldn't put my children through a life like that. If he got better then we might have a chance. But 10 years of 'getting better' just wasn't happening. I knew deep down that it wouldn't change and decided to call it a day whilst both of us were still relatively young enough to build new lives.

It may not directly affect your kids now. But in 10 years time when they are older, staying up later having friends round etc??

Noone could have told me to leave. Friends were supportive and some tried to tell me to leave. But I needed time to come to my own realisation...this is not a life.

It was awful for the first 2-3 months after he went. He cried, begged, promised change. 4 years down the line, not much has changed. BUT I am SO much happier. Not living with the stress and anxiety of what each day will bring. I am happy.

Sending you all the best wishes for whatever decision you make.

You're doing well Rriot and like I said before, I have every faith in you! I don't presume to know how your finances work, but you'll never save up enough if p is p*ssing your money up against a wall - do you have a separate income? If so, your money needs to be put away where he can't he get to it -it's the only way

Sorry should have said - yes he's moving out, but if you have a joint account etc - he can still get to your cash.

We don't have a joint account. He takes care of all the bills from his wages and I pay him my half of everything on payday.

We earn more or less the same but my "disposable" income goes on DS' childcare and the car, shopping etc. whereas his is mostly on drink. He does contribute to some of the shopping and things but it's not an even split.

He's not wicked enough to leave me up shit creek in that sense, he is a decent man underneath it all which I know is hard to believe.

I think I hit breaking point last night. I hurt myself which I haven't done in quite a long time, walking into that pub to pick him up was humiliating. The barmaid just looked at me with pity.

Oh Rriot - you're doing so well - hold onto that little burning fire you have within, that's determined to make things better.

What support do / can you have for you in all this? x

Good luck with your future. You only need to take one step to move towards your future. You have taken that by writing on Mumsnet. I hope by writing stuff down and reading it back has helped you step back and see things more clearly.

My posts aren't meant to upset you Rriot, and I can see how difficult it is to love a man who had so many different sides to him - unfortunately his bad sides outweigh his good ones just now.
(Not sure if we have to do TW here, but trigger ahead)
I'm so sorry you got to the point you self harmed. Are you safe this morning? And are you using clean equipment? If you do go too deep don't be ashamed to seek medical advice - I deal with a lot of people who self harm in my line of work, and it's not worth getting an infection over. They've seen it all before, I promise you that.
Agree with pp - what support do you have?

I think I hit breaking point last night. I hurt myself which I haven't done in quite a long time, walking into that pub to pick him up was humiliating. The barmaid just looked at me with pity.

You had to go and get him? Where was DS?

This relationship is prompting you to self harm? Oh OP, if he isn't hurting you, you do it yourself?

Alcoholics do not change. They are alcoholic forever, even if in recovery. I have EVERY admiration for those who are able to stay sober, but this man won't do it with you in his life, tolerating his shite and picking him up from the pub! Ending the relationship will be a kindness to both him and yourself.