He wont admit he has a problem

[Rriot]

DP and I live together with my DS from a previous relationship.

Before we moved in he lived with his parents and I saw him most weekends and we would usually go out for a few drinks.

After we moved in it became apparent that he drinks alot more than I realised. He drinks every night in the house, up to six or seven cans a night. He obviously has built up a tolerance for drinking this amount as he isn't drunk during the week from drinking at home. It later transpired that it has been about ten years since he has had a completely alcohol-free day. He goes out after work at the weekend and will have several pints and this is when he does get drunk. If I'm not out with him he appears home, and I have to put him to bed as he is too wasted to even take his own shoes off. There have been times where he has been sick and I've had to clean him up, he has fallen, and a couple of times has woken up still drunk/sleepwalking and wet the bed. Last night he ended up going to the toilet in the kitchen bin, there was mess all over the kitchen floor and for the first time ever I lost my patience and shouted at him.

Following that, he appeared to sober up and tried to apologise but I am at my limit of how much more I can take.

I tried to explain to him how mentally draining it is to sit at home every Friday, calculating how much money he has taken out with him to work out how much he will have to drink and what sort of state that means he will come home in to mentally prepare myself for what I'll be dealing with. How difficult it is to join him if we go out together and have him poke fun at me in front of his friends because he gets really insensitive when he is drunk. The fact it's damaging his health and I'm worried sick about him.

He thinks that because he is able to hold down his job and that he isn't drunk every night that it's not a problem. He says I knew what I was getting into and if I am so unhappy, why haven't I left him? We are by no means well off either and the amount of money he spends on alcohol is crazy- I never have money to spend on myself but he manages to find it one way or another.

I am suffering from depression and anxiety (present before I even met him, so not as a result of this). More recently (possibly due to the stress of living like this but also due to work and things too) it has been worse and he had quite a frank discussion with me (kindly) about how my moods were affecting all of us and that I needed to address it. I listened to him and have sought treatment and made an effort to improve things and with his support I am feeling a bit better and my moods are no longer taking their toll on our relationship.

He thinks that because it's not a problem with regards to his work or because he isn't having any visible side effects that his drinking isn't a problem. He isn't affected by it but I am and that doesn't seem to matter.

He is an otherwise very affectionate, generous and fun partner. I love him to death which is why I'm not just walking away. I want to find a way to resolve this and help him address his drinking so we can move forward but I know I can't do that until he accepts that his habit is causing him damage and us damage.

DS isn't around when there is drinking going on and isn't directly affected by it but I know this could change and at that point I will have no choice but to leave for his sake but I love my partner and I want to help him, not abandon him. He just doesn't want or think he needs it.

He's taking the fact that you don't leave as validation. If you really don't want to, give him an ultimatum and make it very clear that you mean it: either he sorts this out or gets out. Point out that if he's not willing to do so, he is demonstrating that, to him, drinking is more important than his relationship with you.

And be prepared to put that ultimatum into effect. Throw any booze in the house out, and the first time he comes home drunk throw him out and pack his bags.

I assume your son goes to his father on alternate weekends? At some point he is going to start mentioning your partner's behaviour, and your ex is going to have to look at taking steps to get permanent residence to keep his son safe.

Having read your OP I am really quite angry on your behalf. How dare he tell you that you need to address your moods, which are being made worse, by his behaviour, which he refuses to address! That is a really quite breathtaking double standard there!

There really is nothing you can do about his drinking, you can choose to continue living with it, and the potential for things to get worse, or leave and protect yourself and DS from the effects of the inevitable decline. It is a shame because he sounds like he could be a lovely partner if he stopped drinking. The trouble is, it is that lovely person that is choosing to prioritise drinking over everything.

Sorry to be graphic, but I've known drinkers die from oesophageal cancer, ruptured oesophageal varices (really messy when those varicose veins in your throat rupture), or just plain old cirrhosis or acute alcohol poisoning. One person I know went blind for a couple of years before dying (hence the expression 'blind drunk') another got a form of dementia and was a complete pain to family and neighbours and needed to be hospitalised before the liver failure got her.
It's not pretty or fun.
Please think about what you are doing with him.

I can identify with ths, my son is an alcoholic, but wouldnt accept the fact,
Quite a few yearsv ago, he was stabbed, by someone he didnt even know,he was with a fairly new girlfriend, and stayed at her house for the first time
The ex boyfriend broke in while they were both asleep, and stabbed my son in his head, and leg, he went for his chest, but luckily missed, he then got a glass with wine in it next to the bed and poured it into the stab wound in his leg which he had sliced,
The son of girlfriend called the police, and they were there very quickly, armed, but they didnt go in, which might have been to stop this maniac doing any more damage
The man was drugged up to the eyeballs
It was after this traumathat my son turned to drink, properly, he never had counselling,which was a mistake
He got to drinking up to 4 bottles of wine a day
The attacker only got 4 years,as he said he was drugged up and couldnt remeber doing it,
When my son had a sroke, and his drinking was mentioned,he was told he was drink dependant
I actually rang out Dr, and asked him to tell my son he was an alcoholic, as drink dependant didnt sound so bad
The Dr did as i asked and my son did accept he was an alcohloic at last,
This week he is going to a detox clinic, as he now realises that he has to for his health, he has had a couple of mild strokes,which frightened him
Sorry this post is so long, but what i am trying to say,is it needs a medical person to tell your Dp how serious his drinking is,and what health problems it can cause,
My son wouldnt listen to us,but did listen to a Dr,who made him realise the severity of his drinking
He was so used to the alcohol, that he didnt ever seem drunk
I have to say,i am very proud of him, he is very frightened of going to this clinic, but he will go,and promised to stick it out, our Dr has been wonderful in backing him up, as he has also had to be off work,
I hope your Dp will get some help, strokes and seizures can happen
Good luck

You can't keep a sinking ship afloat by swimming under it and pushing up.

If I was your ex I'd be going for custody- no way would I accept that person living under the same roof as my child.

You have not caused this.
You cannot cure it.
You cannot control it.

Lots of problem drinkers are not physically dependent on alcohol.

Have a look at the Al-Anon website - support for people affected by somebody else's drinking.

Get him to move out - no child should grow up witnessing a dysfunctional relationship with alcohol.

DS' father has no involvement in his life. DS stays with grandparents some weekends so I can have a break.

I've gone out and sent DP a link to the thread.

Good luck OP. I hope that he reads the thread & realises how harmful he is being.

My PIL's were functioning alcoholics. My husband and I were on honeymoon when MIL died from a fall caused by alcohol. In her eyes she never had a problem though. We then had to deal with further complications caused by this including life assurance not being paid out due to alcoholism & that's only the start of it. My husband is still very affected by it in his mid 30's. Please get out for your & your sons sakes. It is a horrible disease with the worst consequences.

His primary relationship is with drink, not you. His health will get worse and his behaviour will also likely deteriorate. This will happen whether you are with him or not. Unless he can quit or severely cut down his drinking (but he doesn't want to).

As he does not remotely see what the problem is (despite his utterly disgusting and unacceptable behaviour) you can only control your own response. The sensible thing to do for yourself would be to ask him to leave, indefinitely.

He'll either realise he needs to get sober if he wants a healthy relationship, or he'll spiral into more drinking if the disease of alcoholism means that's more important to him - this won't be your fault.

An alcoholic is someone who understands that they have no power over alcohol. It controls THEM, no matter how little or much they drink. No matter how functional they are.

You really do need to get along to an Al-Anon meeting OP. They are for friends and family affected by someone else's drinking, and they really are super friendly and the best source of knowledgeable support.

My father drank not much more than him. He died yellow, sad and confused, shitting blood in hospital.

Only he can control his drinking. Only he can admit he is an alcoholic. Only if he commits to leaving drink behind will he get better.
What's not mentioned there? You.
There is nothing you can do to make him see sense. All you will be doing in his eyes is trying to drive a wedge between him and his harmless good friend drink and he will fight against you, whether he is conscious of that fact or not.
Send him back to his parents before he starts unravelling and dragging you down with him.

Correction. That should say:

An alcoholic is someone who has no power over alcohol. They may understand this or they may be in denial.

My dad is an alcoholic and trust me, OP, your house DOES stink and your child WILL be aware. He's not a great person, except for this little problem with alcohol, he's a selfish, ignorant sod who seems to like humiliating you in front of his mates when he has had one too many. My dad ruined my childhood, being physically and mentally abusive. He hit me when he was drunk ("it wasn't his fault, he was drunk"), he hit me when he was sober ("it wasn't his fault, he needed a drink") and the stuff he said to me was vile. I lived in fear of him, of waiting for him to have one too many when his behaviour would turn nasty, I signed up to every after school club going so I could avoid going home and as soon as I turned 18, I left. My mother tried to help him and when he didn't stop, she minimised it and then simply denied his behaviour was happening. I am now NC with them both. Partners and children of alcoholics really believe in the fairy tale ending ("If we could just get him to stop drinking, life would be wonderful") but it took me years to realise that a person who is a selfish, nasty prick when drunk is exactly the same when sober - they just hide it better. If you think your partner will never be as bad as my dad so this story doesn't apply, just remember he is already being abusive to you in company and this WILL get worse, because you are putting up with it by staying with him. If you love him so much, you are happy to put up with this, fine, but don't make your child go through this. I wish my mother had let me leave with my grandparents, rather than making me play happy families.

So he is spending much needed family funds to get absolutely pissed? And when he is pissed he insults you and wets the bed?

Why on earth are you with this man? I know you love him (not sure why) but really... you have to love yourself and your son more.

What do you think it will achieve to send him this thread? You're waiting for a lightbulb moment and a load of strangers on the internet won't provide that

Until he accepts that he is an alcoholic and needs help, and/or you realise that cleaning up a grown man's puke and piss and empty cans is not helping him, this is going to be how your weekend plays out. Every week.

If you asked him to go without drink for 24 hours, say just to "humour" you, would he (could he) do it? If the answer is no, I would take that as proof of where you come in his priorities.

And I'd sure as hell not be cleaning his shit for him (literally and figuratively)

Maybe op you believe that if you can save him and/or he gives up drinking then you are truly loved but it doesnt work like that.

It's really good that you are beginning to realise that you are enabling him.

You are only responsible for the decisions you make - there is nothing you can do to get him to seek help. Believe me - I tried and tried with my alcoholic and then when I was truly desperate I walked into an Al-anon family meeting. I was so scared but the alternative was worse. Even though my alcoholic was the most amazing man at times. Al-anon changed my life.

Please see if you can call them because even if you leave this relationship you are likely to be attracted to another person with similar characteristics. They won't tell you to leave him either. That's not what its about at all.

Oh dear OP, this is how my marriage started ( now divorced). It started with alco pops on a Friday night after work then I found out that it was actually 10 cans & a half bottle of vodka every night. He lived with his dad before we got married & I was unaware of the extent of the problem. Fast forward 10 years ( we have a dc who's 10) and he's a hopeless alcoholic. When we were together he went to rehab & AA, but he didn't really want to stop. My dc doesn't see him anymore because of the drinking & it's ruined our lives.
Get out now, it won't get better.

He chooses the drink over you. Let him follow that choice , chuck him out.

I've seen what happens next, it isn't pretty but only he can stop it. Rescue yourself.

I don't think he'll appreciate that this thread is relevant to him. He'll think it's true for other people, but he is different because he can handle it.

As a comparison, in 25 years I have never needed to help DH dress or undress, cleared up his sick, or anything else.

A man being helpless like a child is the biggest turn off imaginable.

Don't pin your hopes on a doctor or medical person helping him to 'see the light' either. My bil nearly died about 10 years ago after varices in his throat caused by daily drinking ruptured and he nearly drowned in his own blood. He was in intensive care give dire warnings by doctors etc. He still managed to drink himself to death at age 51 in April.

No doubt your partner will have a million reasons why it couldn't happen to him or why he isn't addicted and could stop any time. Denial is incredibly strong in alcoholics because then they don't have to contemplate what their life will be like without alcohol in it. And as several others have said, alcohol is the most important thing in his life. If you don't want to leave, at least go to Al-anon.

He has read it and basically not acknowledging anything.

You can't change how he behaves.
But you can change your response.
He's an alcoholic. You don't need that shit in your life.
Sorry. OP. Al anon offers support to families. Maybe that would help you.

Surprise surprise. Sorry OP. To me it is clear what you need to do. Basically, this isn't something you can do. Only he can.

Sorry to hear you are going this op
Yes, are enabling him. He's is your joint money to aid his addiction ! Your ds will have some idea that you're unhappy and that the house/ bedroom must smell of alcohol if he's drinking that much.
You have to get him to leave and a's a pp said, consider a reunion when he's 6 months sober.
I grew up with an alcoholic father and wouldn't wish it on anyone.
He's abusove to you when you're out with him....how long before that abuse cones home with you. If he's vomiting and pissing all over the place, he's lost control ! His liver must be damaged at this stage.
He needs to take responsibility and you need to stop enabling him !