He wont admit he has a problem

[Rriot]

DP and I live together with my DS from a previous relationship.

Before we moved in he lived with his parents and I saw him most weekends and we would usually go out for a few drinks.

After we moved in it became apparent that he drinks alot more than I realised. He drinks every night in the house, up to six or seven cans a night. He obviously has built up a tolerance for drinking this amount as he isn't drunk during the week from drinking at home. It later transpired that it has been about ten years since he has had a completely alcohol-free day. He goes out after work at the weekend and will have several pints and this is when he does get drunk. If I'm not out with him he appears home, and I have to put him to bed as he is too wasted to even take his own shoes off. There have been times where he has been sick and I've had to clean him up, he has fallen, and a couple of times has woken up still drunk/sleepwalking and wet the bed. Last night he ended up going to the toilet in the kitchen bin, there was mess all over the kitchen floor and for the first time ever I lost my patience and shouted at him.

Following that, he appeared to sober up and tried to apologise but I am at my limit of how much more I can take.

I tried to explain to him how mentally draining it is to sit at home every Friday, calculating how much money he has taken out with him to work out how much he will have to drink and what sort of state that means he will come home in to mentally prepare myself for what I'll be dealing with. How difficult it is to join him if we go out together and have him poke fun at me in front of his friends because he gets really insensitive when he is drunk. The fact it's damaging his health and I'm worried sick about him.

He thinks that because he is able to hold down his job and that he isn't drunk every night that it's not a problem. He says I knew what I was getting into and if I am so unhappy, why haven't I left him? We are by no means well off either and the amount of money he spends on alcohol is crazy- I never have money to spend on myself but he manages to find it one way or another.

I am suffering from depression and anxiety (present before I even met him, so not as a result of this). More recently (possibly due to the stress of living like this but also due to work and things too) it has been worse and he had quite a frank discussion with me (kindly) about how my moods were affecting all of us and that I needed to address it. I listened to him and have sought treatment and made an effort to improve things and with his support I am feeling a bit better and my moods are no longer taking their toll on our relationship.

He thinks that because it's not a problem with regards to his work or because he isn't having any visible side effects that his drinking isn't a problem. He isn't affected by it but I am and that doesn't seem to matter.

He is an otherwise very affectionate, generous and fun partner. I love him to death which is why I'm not just walking away. I want to find a way to resolve this and help him address his drinking so we can move forward but I know I can't do that until he accepts that his habit is causing him damage and us damage.

DS isn't around when there is drinking going on and isn't directly affected by it but I know this could change and at that point I will have no choice but to leave for his sake but I love my partner and I want to help him, not abandon him. He just doesn't want or think he needs it.

Sorry to say that about the smell in your home but if you don't drink yourself, the smell of alcohol is very strong. Why would it not smell if he is drinking every night?

I had a brief relationship with a man who sounds like your partner and you could smell the alcohol as soon as you opened the front door and the bedroom would reek the next morning. Even in the day when he claimed he didn't drink, he smelt of mints or stale alcohol from the night before.

He has only offered to move out so he can continue drinking without you bringing it to his atttention.
I think you know what the answer is,he has said he is not willing to change his habits.

What do you get out of this relationship now, what is in this for you exactly?. Did you grow up seeing similar yourself, what did you learn about relationships when growing up?

Re your comment:-
"I'd rather help him through the problem than walk away"

And that thinking will also destroy you and in turn your son from the inside out; that is the precise mindset of a codependent. Which parent taught you to be codependent OP?. Are you really confusing love with co-dependency here; relationships in which alcoholism is present are mired in codependency.

You need to leave this man and put your own self and your son first now. This is no life for him to be a part of, even indirectly.

The 3cs re alcoholism:-
You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this

And yes his parents have enabled him in not too dissimilar ways as to how you have done either.

LTB

It just doesn't, fortnight. Maybe because i am careful to clean cans up and things each night and it's not often left lying about.

Regardless of whether it does or not, it's a drop in the ocean compared to the wider issue I'm actually considering showing him this thread. Maybe some of the frank responses will get through to him better than my softly softly approach.

There's nothing you can do about that. You cannot resolve it, this relationship will never ever be what you want it to be. Ever.

When you say resolve you mean you want it to be what it's not now and never has been bar very very fleeting moments when it's been nice and he's (relatively) sober don't you? But all those fleeting nice times have been ended or destroyed by drink, I'd say at a guess, haven't they?

Give him an ultimum: drink or life with you. Mean it. If he choses drink then he leaves.

From the sound of it drink will be his choice. He'll carry on drinking with or without you. So you have to make the difference for you. Admit to yourself he's not what you think he is, nor is the relationship what you yearn for so much you let yourself believe it is.

If you are no longer living it your mental health will improve.

I've done this btw and life is indescribably better for me.

Thanks Atilla. I grew up with both my parents who worked hard, and my gran did alot of the childcare. None of them drank alcohol other than at Christmas or special occassions so I didn't grow up around it.

I had a silly relationship with drink in my teens, but no more than any other daft kid swigging cider in a park and I drink maybe once a month now if I go out to a pub, never drink at home and don't feel the need to.

He is a good person but his relationship with alcohol makes him selfish.

As far as I can tell you don't have kids with this man. Why are you exposing your son to him? If it's your house then I'd just ask him to leave. If jointly rented/owned then will take longer to disentangle, but I really don't understand why you're still in this relationship.

You can't help him. He's an alcoholic who refuses to see there's an issue. He's not going to change because you want him to. He needs to go.

If he claims he is not dependent, challenge him to keep off it every weekend, starting now. He won't be able to.

Frankly, I'd be amazed if your son isn't aware of this. Piss-artists like this smell of stale booze because they sweat and breathe it out, and as PP have said drink fumes really permeate the house. Presumably you have to use bleach or something to get rid of the smell when he vomits, so your son will be aware of waking up every Saturday morning to the smell of bleach mixed with the remains of the vomit and alcohol fumes. You really cannot guarantee that he has never woken to hear what is going on, either.

And you cannot claim that what he does isn't impacting on your son, because it is draining family money that could otherwise be used to benefit all of you.

OP, unless he promises to change today and keeps to it, if necessary signing up with AA, you need to put your son first.

He pokes fun at you in front of his friends when he is drunk?!!!
Read that back OP, and then ask yourself why you should put up with that!

It's not the alcohol making him insensitive - this is what he's like!

And that's not even thinking about the effect on your dc; him pissing the bed (are you in bed with him when he does it??); the amount of money he is spending...

This really, really isn't normal. Get him out - it will only get worse.

No you're right that the smell is not the main issue.

The other issues for me were his beer belly, his big red face, his panic if he didn't know where the next drink was coming from, his tightness as he was always broke, his sneakiness around looking for an extra drink, his stumbling and crashing about, his embarrassing loud behaviour on a night out, I could go on.

I find it amazing that a grown man thinks it acceptable to get regularly into such a state that he wets the bed. Most mature people would be absolutely mortified by that and would stop the first time it happened.

Ask him to leave. He won't admit he has a problem so there's nothing you can do to make him see he has.

Your options are ask him to leave or just put up with it. I know what my choice would be

A close relative of mine had a very similar drinking pattern to your partner: constant heavy drinking, but very social, still functioning at work, health not too bad. Never doing anything awful like getting into fights or smashing up the home. Sometimes throwing up, but incredulous at the notion he had a drinking problem; usual 'alcoholics live on park benches drinking meths' stuff. Long-term partner not thrilled with this, but not fighting it, either.

Everything went to shit when he lost his job (for non-drinking-related reasons, AFAIK) and couldn't find another one. Massive escalation in drinking, terrible health complications. He nearly died, is now mostly bed-bound, and his partner is his carer.

I think you have to be painfully clear that what's happening now is part 1. With such long-term sustained levels of heavy drinking, part 2 is almost certainly going to be extremely difficult and it will all fall on you and your DS. Your partner needs to confront his issues now, but if he's unwilling to accept there's a problem then there is very, very little you can do, except not minimize, not enable, and make a decision about how you want to spend the next few decades.

OK. SIL's husband is an alcoholic. He is now in residential care because his drinking has destroyed most of his liver, and he can't process the toxins in his body. This has affected his brain and he behaves like someone with advanced dementia. He soils himself all the time and can't be left on his own.

Is this what you want to deal with?

Remember- you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. And you can't help him.

You need to kick him out. By cleaning up after him and helping him to bed etc you are enabling him. He needs to wake up covered in vomit with his face in the dog's or whatever so that the message strikes home.

You have a very bleak future with him if you stay together.

his sneakiness around looking for an extra drink

That one resonates with me. My FiL was an alcoholic; fortunately we didn't see him that often but it was dreadful when we were out with him - when we were in other people's houses he'd go sneaking into their cupboards to try to find their drink supplies and help himself. Once he stayed with us a few days and we hid our drink, but he still found it. We discovered the bottle on the floor by his chair just where toddler DS could get hold of it, because of course his need to drink came ahead of his grandchildren's safety. He ruined planned days out by either being crashed out insensible on his bed, or refusing to get out of the car because of the combination of hangover and withdrawal symptoms.

He died of oesophageal cancer caused directly by his drinking. Try pointing that one out to your husband, OP.

Urgh, dont put up with his vile behaviour!
Mind you i also feel sorry for his parents, he'll go and stay with them and they'll be lumbered with his revolting habits

I am assuming your DS is quite young if he is in bed before your partners starts drinking?
It won't be long before he is staying up later and possibly not going to his DF's eow. His own social life will start to dictate his bedtimes and schedule.

Will your partner reschedule his drinking to accommodate this?

I have been through this. Like you, OP, I thought I could help him. I couldn't. I got more and more stressed by trying to organise things so that he wouldn't drink. It would work for a day or so then he would revert. He also never thought he had a problem.

When I eventually left him I felt like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders. 12 years later he has severe health problems and lives alone. My life is great and I have no stress from worrying what things would be like when he came in or when I came home.

You can't fix this, only he can, and it sounds like he doesn't want to.

Have PM'd you OP

He needs to move out. He is not good for you and your DS.
It will be tough for you but you'll get through it.