He wont admit he has a problem

[Rriot]

DP and I live together with my DS from a previous relationship.

Before we moved in he lived with his parents and I saw him most weekends and we would usually go out for a few drinks.

After we moved in it became apparent that he drinks alot more than I realised. He drinks every night in the house, up to six or seven cans a night. He obviously has built up a tolerance for drinking this amount as he isn't drunk during the week from drinking at home. It later transpired that it has been about ten years since he has had a completely alcohol-free day. He goes out after work at the weekend and will have several pints and this is when he does get drunk. If I'm not out with him he appears home, and I have to put him to bed as he is too wasted to even take his own shoes off. There have been times where he has been sick and I've had to clean him up, he has fallen, and a couple of times has woken up still drunk/sleepwalking and wet the bed. Last night he ended up going to the toilet in the kitchen bin, there was mess all over the kitchen floor and for the first time ever I lost my patience and shouted at him.

Following that, he appeared to sober up and tried to apologise but I am at my limit of how much more I can take.

I tried to explain to him how mentally draining it is to sit at home every Friday, calculating how much money he has taken out with him to work out how much he will have to drink and what sort of state that means he will come home in to mentally prepare myself for what I'll be dealing with. How difficult it is to join him if we go out together and have him poke fun at me in front of his friends because he gets really insensitive when he is drunk. The fact it's damaging his health and I'm worried sick about him.

He thinks that because he is able to hold down his job and that he isn't drunk every night that it's not a problem. He says I knew what I was getting into and if I am so unhappy, why haven't I left him? We are by no means well off either and the amount of money he spends on alcohol is crazy- I never have money to spend on myself but he manages to find it one way or another.

I am suffering from depression and anxiety (present before I even met him, so not as a result of this). More recently (possibly due to the stress of living like this but also due to work and things too) it has been worse and he had quite a frank discussion with me (kindly) about how my moods were affecting all of us and that I needed to address it. I listened to him and have sought treatment and made an effort to improve things and with his support I am feeling a bit better and my moods are no longer taking their toll on our relationship.

He thinks that because it's not a problem with regards to his work or because he isn't having any visible side effects that his drinking isn't a problem. He isn't affected by it but I am and that doesn't seem to matter.

He is an otherwise very affectionate, generous and fun partner. I love him to death which is why I'm not just walking away. I want to find a way to resolve this and help him address his drinking so we can move forward but I know I can't do that until he accepts that his habit is causing him damage and us damage.

DS isn't around when there is drinking going on and isn't directly affected by it but I know this could change and at that point I will have no choice but to leave for his sake but I love my partner and I want to help him, not abandon him. He just doesn't want or think he needs it.

I'm sorry to say you can't fix him, you may want to, you may believe you can, but trust me , you can't.

And that's no reflection on you, none of this is you, it's all him.

I'm sorry, I missed your last note. Remember he survived X years before you, there's no reason he'll come to any harm tonight.

If you feel at risk, please call the police.

I'm sorry OP. That sounds incredibly stressful. I hope he gets in touch with you soon.

Yanbu I feel your pain. My dh drinks way too much too.. I think he has a drink problem. I've posted here about it and got some good advice but things are easier said than done.
He is out in the city tonight and I am nearly sick with nerves... I can't go to bed as I'm so on edge. Like you, I just want him to arrive home safe.
More importantly I want him to be able to enjoy booze like a normal person and not end up totally fucked every time!!! Keep us updated op xx

He's playing mind games with you. He's determined that your life together will be on HIS terms, whether that's by drinking whenever he wants or keeping you on tenterhooks.

I didn't see this thread when you first posted so have just read it all. I won't repeat what others have said about his drinking, but from your OP my jaw hit the table when I read this bit More recently (possibly due to the stress of living like this but also due to work and things too) it has been worse and he had quite a frank discussion with me (kindly) about how my moods were affecting all of us and that I needed to address it. He said WHAT??? How dare he? Can't you see that he's gaslighting you, making it all your fault because you're stressed out of your skull by HIS behaviour. I bet he told you that's part of the reason he drinks.

Leave him. He's made his choice and it's not you he's chosen. And he's actively turning the screw on you. You have to leave while you can, and I don't say that lightly.

This is like reading about myself - the same feelings of dread but relief about when he is going to come home and whay state he is going to be in.

I too did the ok let's go out together to try to see if that would make a difference but nope, I tried ultimatums and set myself and him up for failure or he would manage a few days without drinking then hey presto it was the weekend and who doesn't drink at the weekend????

Me and DH separated 3 years ago and I have to say it's still deeply ingrained in me to worry about him because other than me and our child he has not a soul in the world but it was a positive step for me and our wee one. I'm not constantly on edge of an evening waiting to see the state of him. I'm not worried about our wee one seeing it because strangely he doesn't drink when he is the sole parent in charge.

It is a lot better and time does change things - make a change now for everybody's sake because he can't or won't change.

I wish you well for the future.

He is home. No explanation for any of it and has now gone to sleep so I wont get one. I'm afraid it might just have been some sort of sick joke that ran on longer the more he drank.

I'm just so releived he's home I'm not even angry, just exhausted. I've been on edge all night since he stopped messaging normally.

I know it's irrational and this is not the way people treat you if they love you but I can't switch my feelings off and stop caring for him.

You don't need to put up with this shit just because you care about him, it's not like he gives a shit about you.

All your posts are about you and him. What about your child in all this?

I was raised by a functioning alcoholic and it was shit. You are literally bottom of the list

Alcoholic
Enabler
Kids

My child is never around him when he has a drink. What I have posted about is how things are at the moment and DS isn't even aware there is a problem. It goes on when he's asleep or with his grandparents.

I'm not saying he wont be affected at all but directly from what I've spoken about here, he isn't.

Get your head out of the sand.

You say you showed him this thread and he wasn't acknowledging any of it, you're doing the exact same by staying with him and thinking your DS won't be affected.

OP I grew up in a pub, and went on to become a publican myself. Both my parents 'like a drink'. I used to 'like a drink' until I had Dd at the ripe old age of 36, that's when I finally found my off switch.

Fact is, my entire family were/are alcohol dependent at best and high functioning alcoholics at worst.

I have had a few drinks tonight. I monitor my alcohol intake constantly, because I know my relationship with it is unhealthy. My reward and consolation is always a couple of drinks. It's a slippery slope.

Please don't normalise it to your child, it is a difficult trap to get out of.

But the drama effects him. Your mood and feeling about it effect him. You said yourself you worry about how drunk he'll be in a Friday. That's not normal or part of happy parenting and you are deluding yourself if you think otherwise.

Alcoholic
Enabler
Drama, angst, fear, vomit, whatever
Kids

It's always that way, sorry to break it to you but it true.

Blimey OP, you have a strange perception of someone who is affectionate and fun.

Crapping in bins and pissing on the floor?

making fun of you in front of his friends?

spending money you can't afford?

Making you anxious about what state he is in?

Blaming your depression for your relationship problems?

Sounds the opposite of affectionate and fun to me.

Your DS may be too young to realise what is going on at the moment but as he grows up he will start to notice.

Your DP needs to get proper help or he needs to go because your DS deserves better than this, much better.

I'd rather help him through the problem than walk away, I care about him but I know there's no way to help him unless he admits he needs it.

Don't walk away from him. Run and then run further and faster. Seriously. I wasted 15 years of my life with an alcoholic. Years when he denied he had a problem. Years after he admitted he had a problem and played lip service to sobering up. Years where he got himself back into a functioning state and fooled me that he was actually sober. Years where I grieved his 'relapse.' Years where I've had one foot in/one foot out of our marriage while I let him fend for himself and he just went through a similar cycle of rock bottom - functional - rock bottom - functional stages of his addiction.

Leave him now. It might even make him cop on and sober up. And you can always renew your relationship (carefully) if it does. But realistically you will be protecting yourself and even more importantly your little boy from the utter, utter hell that is living with and loving an addict.

Why do you think so little of yourself? An addict is incapable of a full loving relationship.

You can't save him. Did you contact Al-Anon, which was recommended to you for support?

Be under no illusions that you can hide this from your son and wider family for much longer... Even if he doesn't ever witness drinking, children can sense utter sadness.

Growing up with an alcoholic parent is one of the crappiest things going. You feel the vibes at home but never really know what's going on. A child certainly can't vocalise it but there is an uneasy atmosphere (at best) that effect how you develop emotionally and relate to people. It results in a very specific set of issues (google it) that you won't be able to protect him from if you stay. No matter how hard you try.

The absolute worse thing about having an alcoholic parent is they stay alcoholics.

Unlike a partner, you can't divorce them, they are your parent. Its what you grew up with, they are all you know. So you spend a life time stressing about their drinking, trying to fix it, cutting them out your life, allowing them back in, watching other people with their functioning families whilst yours gets hammered all the time and the ultimate part - having caused all this misery, you then have to watch them drink themselves to death. Slowly.

This is what your letting your son in for if you stay. Why would you ever saddle your child with this?

To be honest at this point, caring about him would be better displayed by making him take responsibility for himself. You clean him up, sort out his problems so there's no problem for him. You need some self respect and to ask him to leave - for his sake, yours and your child's. He won't see any need for change while you're supporting his drinking.

It seems that you need to work on your self esteem and the opinion you have of yourself. You may love him however no good will come of this unless he decides to change or you leave him.
Listen to what people say here, they have lived through it and now have the ability to share their experiences and encourage you through this.
Be strong.
Don't think your child doesn't notice, that just ridiculous. He may be young but he will notice, kids are not stupid.
Growing up, my father was an extremely heavy drinker and used to drive us around while really drunk. It is by the grace of God we did not crash and die.
Alcoholics only think of themselves. If he doesn't want to get things right with himself then you seriously need to think about how you want your and child life to be. You only get one life, make it good.

I'm going to start looking for somewhere else to live. If our relationship can recover from this it's not going to happen when we're living under the same roof. You're all completely right about my son. I've worked hard to keep on top of my mental health for his sake but the way things are at home makes it so much harder and if I'm honest I'm probably not 100% present because I'm so worked up about things with DP.

I don't really want to admit it yet but I don't think much will change if I leave. I'd love to be wrong but I think this is the beginning of the end.

I wish I could have him sober all the time, when he's kicking a ball around the garden with DS or laying watching films with me, cooking for us, planning fun things to do.
He is really, really wonderful, which I know is hard to believe from what I've posted here but when he's not drinking he is the warmest, kindest person in the world

Sorry to be so blunt here but I lost my uncle 7 years ago to liver diese he was only 60 he was a heavy drinker and he hadn't touched a drop in 12 years before he died he left behind a very confused and upset 4 year old son. Your partner will either drink himself to death or he will end up with alcohol related dementia he needs to admit that he has a problem and do something about it now before he kills himself and you need to stop allowing him to drink so much during the week your not helping him your just helping to make things worse and you think your soon sees none of this but I bet you he's seen more than you think.

Sorry, Shoot. I appreciate you taking the time to respond and I'm sorry to hear about your uncle but your post wasn't particularly helpful.

I don't allow him to drink during the week, or at any other time. He is an adult and it is his decision to drink. It's not my job to physically stop him from doing so, all I can do is talk to him and hope that he sees sense.

I don't hand him the can and tell him to drink up.

He is an alcoholic. I think you should go to some al anon meetings so you can talk about it and get some real advice. Al anon meetings are for the families of drinkers.