to leave because DP can't deal with DS' having autism?

[LottieG100]

DS is 7 and has ASD. If we go to a theme park, DP doesn't want to use the fast pass queuing system for disabilities because he feels people will stare. DS cannot cope with queuing, he will flap and pinch himself and usually get too agitated to go on the ride by the time we get there so I'm happy to use the system but DP disagrees.

DS hates to be touched at any time. He also hates being verbally overloaded at any time. If he's having a meltdown, the fastest way for him to feel better is for me to react calmly and reassure that the cause is not a big deal and can be sorted and to come and find me when he's calmed down so we can talk. I then busy myself so the focus isn't on him (as that would make him worse) and nine times out of ten he calms fairly quickly and comes to find me to resolve the problem.

DP has obviously seen me deal with DS in this way hundreds of times. I've also explained that DS cannot cope with talking and touch when already upset yet DP persists in doing things his own way. Yesterday, DS became frantic because his school project he was bringing home got a little wet in the rain. He was flapping, screaming and crying and absolutely hysterical. I was bathing toddler DD so DP was dealing with DS. In the five minutes before I could wrap up DDs bath, DP was talking incessantly:

"Do you want a drink? Calm down you're being too noisy. DS. DS. DS. DS! Let's get a snack. DS! Are you listening? You're being ridiculous. I'm getting fed up now DS. We won't be going out tomorrow if you're being silly. DS. DS. DS!"

DS was becoming increasingly upset every time he spoke and screaming at him to get off him as DP tries to hold his shoulders to get him to be still and listen. DS kept screaming that his project was ruined and another thing DP does that frustrates DS (and me) is ignore the problem and try and distract so DP was replying with "let's get a snack" and "look, there's a dog walking outside."

This trying to distract has NEVER worked and leads to DS being bewildered and frustrated that what he's saying is being ignored and so he gets much more upset. I've explained this to DP but he still does it.

AIBU to think about leaving him over this? I feel like DS is spending a lot more time upset than necessary because DP is too pig headed to do what works and is determined to stick with his own way. He dresses it up that he wants to help DS and doesn't like seeing him upset and so can't just "ignore him like I do."

Sorry but to me it seems that the fundamental issue is that your DP is struggling to accept DS's disability. I don't think you would be unreasonable to leave but it may lead to DS having the same experiences during contact weekends/visits unless DP's mindset changes.

Very gently I think yab a bit u. He isn't a terrible father from what you've said. Just one who's struggling perhaps to come to terms with his son's disability.

I think leaving him would be very drastic. However AIBU is home of "LTB" so there will be people along in a minute to tell you to do just that.

Personally I wouldn't tear my family apart over this.

Do you have specialist help? Is there someone who can talk to your DH?

That sounds really frustrating. It sounds as though your approach is spot on and DP's highly likely to inflame difficult situations, but I guess DP is defensive about this and unwilling to accept that he doesn't know best. Would he be more receptive to suggestions about how best to handle DS if they came from an outside expert, eg a book/course of some kind?

Often df find it difficult to accept asd as they have traits themselves and it triggers a lot of stuff for them..Do you see any similarities in your dh?

I struggle with this daily too and actually, so do the majority of the (many) mums I know whose dc have additional needs. There's often a big difference between the parents in how they deal with the dc and it can cause a huge divide and become a big big issue. I have no advice, just please know you're not alone. Had dp actually done his homework about asd? Mine couldn't get time off work to do the Early Bird course with me and I think he missed out as I found it really helpful. I hate the sexist idea I'm about to spout, but I think as women tend to be the primary carers, we're the ones dealing with the day to day things and we assume that all the knowledge we have, our partners should also have. I spend hours reading about ds's conditions, I have at least one meeting with friends a week who have similar dc and I think I'd struggle without that. My dh has no such outlet and probably feels at a loss with how to deal with ds. It's our main cause of disagreement tbh and I hate it. I often think our family would be happier if I were a lone parent again, just to remove the friction between dh and ds.

Is there a charity which your dp can talk to that will help support your approach? Maybe if he heard it from a professional he would 'get' it ?

Do you get on otherwise? I've had up and downs with dh but I've always thought we can work this out rather than leaving him. What I mean is it him fundamentally rather thanjust what he's doing?

We suspected ASD from age 2 and he was diagnosed at 3 so DP has had a long time to get his head around it. He still tries to hug and kiss DS then tells him off when he hits him in return. He hates affection, I think it is cruel to try to force it on him daily. DP thinks I'm cold for not doing so.

I don't think he would see DS if we split because he knows he couldn't cope and DS wouldn't want to see him.

I'm guessing he isn't your son's father then and has no parental rights if you separate. Is he the baby's father?

Oh. Cross post.

Ummmm.... I may well be on the wrong track but...

autism is often genetic, ever wonder where DS gets it from? The number of women in see supporting men with ASD or tendencies diagnosed or otherwise. Managing lots of oddities even if they themselves dont notice. Then have kids and suddenly there isn't enough of the woman to go round. Adult male gets more rigid as can't cope with the number of changes/transitions that need to happen on a daily basis and the woman can't support to the degree she was. Thinks the child should learn to cope because they did and there's nothing wrong with them.
Adult Relationship breaksdown.

No words of advice YANBU. But give some thought even if you do split the kids will still need to see their dad. Can you line up anyone to support the kids on access with their dad or who is there on call if there is a problem. Absolutely not your job of course

He's listened to advice from the paediatrician and read up on ASD but doesn't take any of it on board. It feels to me a bit like bullying when he's standing over DS barking orders at him when DS is cowering and distraught. Telling DS he's ridiculous and to be quiet is the direct opposite of what I do and I feel it's confusing for DS and undermining me.

YANBU at all. His continuing inability to parent effectively is a good reason to end the relationship. Your DS has enough to cope with.

Also adult male gets more rigid as can't cope with with the theory of mind to understand that a little one's needs may be very different to what adult's male wants to give.

Oh god no he's sounds awful, like he knows best despite professional opinion. Yes I would be getting him to leave, I could not live with a man like that. Your poor ds !

Would he go on a parenting course? The NAS offer courses for parents, he may need to hear it spelled out by a professional, rather than you.

I sympathise, I've had similar issues in my family, but things are getting better now

Well now I think you have to put your son first.

What do you think your DH's reaction will be?

It does feel like DP is so rigid in his thinking that he can't change and I've wondered about ASD in him. He seems to just think: "I love DS, I will cuddle him" and not acknowledge that it isn't what DS wants or enjoys. Similarly, he has a habit of blocking my path and saying "I love you" and waiting for me to say it back and a kiss. I have told him this annoys me (it's thirty + times a day) because often it's when I'm watching toddler DD at the park or DS near a road so it isn't enjoyable for me, it's just fulfilling a ritual for him. But still he keeps on doing it and looks like a wounded puppy if I don't say it or look or step round him to the DC.

If you leave him he will be able to continue being a shit Dad when you're not there and he has his access visits though! It sounds awful OP....

I think you need to sit down with him and have an honest talk. Mention that he doesn't seem to be handling it comfortably and that you think the two of you need to see someone to help get you on the same page and develop coping techniques that work for both of you.

so cross posted with your previous update - but if he is on the spectrum, he will need to learn more explicitly what to do with your DS, rather than apply the 'rules of interaction' he has learned so far. So every time, you will have to remind him to leave DS in peace to come round

I think LTB if everything else is okay is far to extreme a reaction. Could you contact the National Autistic Society and ask if they have any support or training for parents in this situation as I imagine it's more common that you think.

Oh dear. This sounds like my parents with my younger sibling (I would eat my hat if there isn't a genetic link to the male side - it's really quite obvious in our case).

Mum did all the research, understanding and hard work.

Dad does all the criticizing, denial and aggression.

Sorry, I don't have a solution but you are not alone.

Your DP is being rigid and selfish, completely disregarding your son's needs. If he refuses to treat him how he needs to be treated to have a happy life then it's tantamount to abuse in my opinion. Your son isn't intentionally being difficult and your partner can't "fix" him. With the right techniques however, life could be much more pleasant for everyone.

YANBU to want to leave and you'd probably make all of your lives easier by doing so.