DS is 7 and has ASD. If we go to a theme park, DP doesn't want to use the fast pass queuing system for disabilities because he feels people will stare. DS cannot cope with queuing, he will flap and pinch himself and usually get too agitated to go on the ride by the time we get there so I'm happy to use the system but DP disagrees.
DS hates to be touched at any time. He also hates being verbally overloaded at any time. If he's having a meltdown, the fastest way for him to feel better is for me to react calmly and reassure that the cause is not a big deal and can be sorted and to come and find me when he's calmed down so we can talk. I then busy myself so the focus isn't on him (as that would make him worse) and nine times out of ten he calms fairly quickly and comes to find me to resolve the problem.
DP has obviously seen me deal with DS in this way hundreds of times. I've also explained that DS cannot cope with talking and touch when already upset yet DP persists in doing things his own way. Yesterday, DS became frantic because his school project he was bringing home got a little wet in the rain. He was flapping, screaming and crying and absolutely hysterical. I was bathing toddler DD so DP was dealing with DS. In the five minutes before I could wrap up DDs bath, DP was talking incessantly:
"Do you want a drink? Calm down you're being too noisy. DS. DS. DS. DS! Let's get a snack. DS! Are you listening? You're being ridiculous. I'm getting fed up now DS. We won't be going out tomorrow if you're being silly. DS. DS. DS!"
DS was becoming increasingly upset every time he spoke and screaming at him to get off him as DP tries to hold his shoulders to get him to be still and listen. DS kept screaming that his project was ruined and another thing DP does that frustrates DS (and me) is ignore the problem and try and distract so DP was replying with "let's get a snack" and "look, there's a dog walking outside."
This trying to distract has NEVER worked and leads to DS being bewildered and frustrated that what he's saying is being ignored and so he gets much more upset. I've explained this to DP but he still does it.
AIBU to think about leaving him over this? I feel like DS is spending a lot more time upset than necessary because DP is too pig headed to do what works and is determined to stick with his own way. He dresses it up that he wants to help DS and doesn't like seeing him upset and so can't just "ignore him like I do."