to leave because DP can't deal with DS' having autism?

[LottieG100]

DS is 7 and has ASD. If we go to a theme park, DP doesn't want to use the fast pass queuing system for disabilities because he feels people will stare. DS cannot cope with queuing, he will flap and pinch himself and usually get too agitated to go on the ride by the time we get there so I'm happy to use the system but DP disagrees.

DS hates to be touched at any time. He also hates being verbally overloaded at any time. If he's having a meltdown, the fastest way for him to feel better is for me to react calmly and reassure that the cause is not a big deal and can be sorted and to come and find me when he's calmed down so we can talk. I then busy myself so the focus isn't on him (as that would make him worse) and nine times out of ten he calms fairly quickly and comes to find me to resolve the problem.

DP has obviously seen me deal with DS in this way hundreds of times. I've also explained that DS cannot cope with talking and touch when already upset yet DP persists in doing things his own way. Yesterday, DS became frantic because his school project he was bringing home got a little wet in the rain. He was flapping, screaming and crying and absolutely hysterical. I was bathing toddler DD so DP was dealing with DS. In the five minutes before I could wrap up DDs bath, DP was talking incessantly:

"Do you want a drink? Calm down you're being too noisy. DS. DS. DS. DS! Let's get a snack. DS! Are you listening? You're being ridiculous. I'm getting fed up now DS. We won't be going out tomorrow if you're being silly. DS. DS. DS!"

DS was becoming increasingly upset every time he spoke and screaming at him to get off him as DP tries to hold his shoulders to get him to be still and listen. DS kept screaming that his project was ruined and another thing DP does that frustrates DS (and me) is ignore the problem and try and distract so DP was replying with "let's get a snack" and "look, there's a dog walking outside."

This trying to distract has NEVER worked and leads to DS being bewildered and frustrated that what he's saying is being ignored and so he gets much more upset. I've explained this to DP but he still does it.

AIBU to think about leaving him over this? I feel like DS is spending a lot more time upset than necessary because DP is too pig headed to do what works and is determined to stick with his own way. He dresses it up that he wants to help DS and doesn't like seeing him upset and so can't just "ignore him like I do."

I think you need to have a chat about how you can best parent consistently. And not by saying 'we both need to do it my way'. Hear your dp's perspective. I doubt it will be that he is trying to make matters worse by inflaming situations. I would imagine he has a different perspective to you about what 'works' (what leads to peace and quiet the quickest isn't always the best long term solution). I have a 7 year old with asd and while a lot of his behaviour is related to anxiety he is also capable of behaving in a way that isn't appropriate because he's a 7 year old. If he's shouting at people or being rude I do teach him that it isn't acceptable rather than ignore it. We also don't use the fast pass in theme parks. Not because people would stare (couldn't give a shit) but because we preferred to get him used to the fact that while lining up isn't fun for anyone (less so for him) if you really want something you can choose whether waiting for it or not having it is the preferable option. He won't get a fast pass at the shop so queing was a skill he needed to learn. He is now able to queue without meltdowns and just occasional moaning if the queue is very long as he has learned techniques to distract himself through practice. I do feel that the fast pass is a good scheme for people who won't live independently/be able to learn to queue but we didn't feel it was helpful for d.s.
Luckily me and my dh were on the same page but I would imagine my dh could have written a similar post if we didn't feel the same. Sometimes there isn't one right and one wrong way to deal with something. Sometimes your dp probably does make the wrong call and I dare say sometimes you do too. No-one is perfect.

Spottytop, because he isn't a child anymore and has his own child to take care of?
ASD or not, when you have a child you need to take responsibility and try your best for them.

And criticising isn't the best way to make changes. Imagine if your dp tore apart how you dealt with your child and told you what you could do better with the benefit of hindsight. Do you think you'd be open to listening or would you be immediately put on the defensive? I know I would be defensive no matter how true what was being said was. I think framing it as a discussion about how you can both be consistent is the way to go. Keep statements factual and non blaming so things like 'I've noticed dd can be particularly uncomfortable being touched especially when upset. How do you think we should deal with that?' I'm sure you can sort things out. Your dp isn't being deliberately mean - just misguided a thing times maybe. Be sure to point out things you think he's doing that help as well if there are any.

Does your ds have regular reviews, or appointments with ot/salt/Sen team at school?
When ds1 was first diagnosed, some family found it quite tricky to take on board and were quite dismissive of the not insignificant issues we were facing.
My mum came with me to a multi agency review meeting at the school when ds was 6 or 7, and really had her eyes opened about what was going on, how he was being helped at school, what to expect in the coming few years.....it made a massive difference to how she saw things.
I think maybe your husband is struggling to accept your ds condition and is maybe in denial a little. The way he's trying to deal with meltdowns would probably be quite successful with an nt child, so I can see why he's doing what he's doing in a way, and perhaps a bit of education from someone "professional" would help.
I always think that reading about autism can only go so far - by it's very nature, being a spectrum, it's difficult to see your own child in all the literature. Meetings where only ds is being discussed - "ds does this, likes this, can't cope with that, can have that particular behaviour managed by doing x" could be much more helpful in getting your dh to understand.

Has he attended any ASD specific parenting classes or woskshops? It would be worth contacting the National Autistic Society to see what they can offer in your area. Your dp needs help and support to overcome his resistance to your ds' disability. My dh is a bit like this and it will take time, he forgets that ds has asd because dd hasn't and will parent him in the same way as her.

www.autism.org.uk/about.aspx

Would your DP go for cognitive behaviour therapy, and practice some coping strategies away from the situation when he is not under pressure? He does sound rigid and authoritarian.

Someone earlier mentioned writing it down. This is an excellent idea.
If you suspect he is autistic too, it may be that talking to him will not work. It's very easy to be overloaded with information and not take it in.
Try writing it down clearly, in a non accusatory way.

We all have expectations of parenting, and what good parenting looks like, and it can be so ingrained to mindlessly step into the role of "good parent" with too much chatting, tactile behaviour, discipline, and it can be even more difficult to shift to an adaptive and effective way of parenting and autistic child, because mainstream society tells us it's wrong.

Try to write a to-the-point instruction manual. Write it for both of you, ideally together. It doesn't hurt to have something solid to work on to tweak skills, and as your son gets older his needs are likely to change and you will both need to adapt with him, so notes can be extremely helpful.

If the discussion route isn't working, then do it in a different way. It may come better from someone else, but in that instance I would set up a meeting somehow so your information and strategies can be put across to him. Information about autism can be overloading and wrong, you know him best, so information and strategies need to come from you. If your son can contribute and say/write/draw the ways in which he feels safe, then that may be an even stronger message for your dp.

I think you need help from someone outside the relationship to listen to you both and to help steer his parenting in the right direction. The NAS have a list. If he refuses to access help then maybe it's something you should consider, but it's probably best to try to get outside help first before considering leaving.

www.autism.org.uk/directory/browse/cid=15~aid=1~s=1/search-results/pg=1~sid=1467674.aspx

So you're not married but you let him adopt your DS? Well, if you leave, he'll still have visitation rights to your son. I would be really concerned that he could do real damage if you are not around.

I think that since you decided to let him adopt DS, you have a responsibility to try everything you possibly can to adjust his parenting, even if you end up splitting up after.

And if you do split up, don't let the next guy adopt unless he proves himself a good parent.

It's just so difficult to change someone's behaviour, you might have years ahead trying.

But that is the point Toffee. The DP doesn't seem to get how his behaviour towards his ds makes his ds feel. If he experiences that and then can understand the ds experiences those feelings 10 times over hell being able to empathise more.
They do role play in most behaviour/parenting courses. It's all about putting yourself in someone else's shoes to then work out a best practice and best way forward.

Are you saying all professionals and psychologists are irresponsible in their approach?

OP, I missed your post which said you don't think your DP would see your DS if you split. To be honest that is a pretty serious thing to say about his own dad and, if true, feeling like he wouldn't see him under those circumstances would make me feel like he wasn't a proper dad, now. Does your DS not love him? How did you reach the point of him adopting him?

In the end, you do have to prioritise the safety and comfort of your DS, IMO.
And if that means booting DP out, then so be it.
If he cares enough, he'll go and do some training around bringing up a child with autism, instead of rigidly insisting that his way is the "right way".
His rigidity may suggest that he also has ASD, it might be a product of his own upbringing, in fact, where he wasn't allowed to be who he actually was - or it might be just that he has ideas about how children should behave, and zero flexibility in thinking around that.
Either way, it's not working for your DS, so unless he changes, your DS is going to be miserable far more than necessary - so yeah, sorry, I'd boot him.

I would talk to him, one last time. I'd tell him that unless things change drastically, immediately, the marriage is over.

• He gets assessed himself.

Standing in your way until you've said you love him & give him a kiss is 'not right'. It's beyond an irritating habit. Doing it when it puts a child in danger is beyond the pale.

• He stops that (standing in your way) right now. He never does it again.

It's controlling, it's dangerous & it's fucking annoying.

• He accepts, immediately, that DS does not want to be touched or hugged.

It's DS's body, HE gets to decide that & not be overruled by DH. Tell him you consider hugging, holding his shoulders or any other unwanted contact to be equal to DH hitting DS & you will not tolerate it.

• He accepts immediately that he HAS to back off from DS when he's having a meltdown & NOT get in his face.

Tell him it's not ignoring DS, it's doing what DS needs to calm down. Anything else inflames it & is not acceptable.

• Fast pass or anything that DS needs to help him out gets used/done. If DH can't accept DS's diagnosis and do what makes DS's life better he can fuck off.

You need to put DS FIRST, while giving DH one last opportunity to accept DS's diagnosis & to listen to what DS NEEDS.

I'd be saying this irrespective of whether he was DS's bio Dad or not. The child's NEEDS have to come first.

Have you taken or thought about taking a course in asd so that your dp has a better understanding your ds's behaviour and how to respond appropriately?

I'd see if there was a course for your DP on how to parent children with autism. He really doesn't get it. It doesn't necessarily mean he is on the spectrum himself though.

I see traits in my DD, not sure if enough for a diagnosis but having been diagnosed myself, I do wonder. DH is rubbish at dealing with her. I know exactly how to deal with her and things are a LOT calmer when I do. However DH has now taken to telling me I'm pandering to her and going off in a huff if I step in or "give in" to her. It's not giving in but she naturally wants me more than him and he thinks she should do what he wants, when he wants and spends his time barking orders at her whilst he's on his phone and gets pissy when she doesn't just get on with it. I've tried leaving them both to it but all hell breaks loose and DD ends up hysterical and I won't let that happen now, but this is pandering apparently. She is so much calmer and happier for me when I'm dealing with her. It's really tough and I can see it getting worse actually. And the more this happens, the more she wants me not DH.

My concern with a course would be that you get a lot of generalised advice, from which you kind of have to try out and pick out the things that work for the individual, some of which might work, lots of which might not.
The OP has strategies that work, learning a whole load more from a man who already has a rigid approach may just complicate the issue further.

The problem is when 2 parents have different ways of dealing with behaviour they tend to both feel that their way is right. I would bet that the dp feels if he was allowed to get on with it without the op hovering, advising and in the end taking over (which the child will be well aware will happen and that he doesn't need to listen to his dad) then things would be a lot better. The dp probably also has a different perspective on the success of the ops approaches.
There must be a reason why the dp feels as though he needs to use different strategies to ones the op is using with so much success which would seem to be a lot easier on everyone.
Children with autism can act out through anxiety but they can also act out because they have learned that shouting etc will get them what they want like any child. Because they are often intelligent and capable as capable of.learning what works for them as any child. This is something that was discussed at length on the NAS EarlyBird course. So you don't just need to look at what strategies are working at the time but what you are teaching your child to do the next time the situation arises.

harming a child repeatedly

Jesus, that is a massive conclusion that you have jumped to. There's no evidence that the child is being abused.

Agreed hello If all parents who disagreed about discipline separated the country would be mainly single parents.