to leave because DP can't deal with DS' having autism?

[LottieG100]

DS is 7 and has ASD. If we go to a theme park, DP doesn't want to use the fast pass queuing system for disabilities because he feels people will stare. DS cannot cope with queuing, he will flap and pinch himself and usually get too agitated to go on the ride by the time we get there so I'm happy to use the system but DP disagrees.

DS hates to be touched at any time. He also hates being verbally overloaded at any time. If he's having a meltdown, the fastest way for him to feel better is for me to react calmly and reassure that the cause is not a big deal and can be sorted and to come and find me when he's calmed down so we can talk. I then busy myself so the focus isn't on him (as that would make him worse) and nine times out of ten he calms fairly quickly and comes to find me to resolve the problem.

DP has obviously seen me deal with DS in this way hundreds of times. I've also explained that DS cannot cope with talking and touch when already upset yet DP persists in doing things his own way. Yesterday, DS became frantic because his school project he was bringing home got a little wet in the rain. He was flapping, screaming and crying and absolutely hysterical. I was bathing toddler DD so DP was dealing with DS. In the five minutes before I could wrap up DDs bath, DP was talking incessantly:

"Do you want a drink? Calm down you're being too noisy. DS. DS. DS. DS! Let's get a snack. DS! Are you listening? You're being ridiculous. I'm getting fed up now DS. We won't be going out tomorrow if you're being silly. DS. DS. DS!"

DS was becoming increasingly upset every time he spoke and screaming at him to get off him as DP tries to hold his shoulders to get him to be still and listen. DS kept screaming that his project was ruined and another thing DP does that frustrates DS (and me) is ignore the problem and try and distract so DP was replying with "let's get a snack" and "look, there's a dog walking outside."

This trying to distract has NEVER worked and leads to DS being bewildered and frustrated that what he's saying is being ignored and so he gets much more upset. I've explained this to DP but he still does it.

AIBU to think about leaving him over this? I feel like DS is spending a lot more time upset than necessary because DP is too pig headed to do what works and is determined to stick with his own way. He dresses it up that he wants to help DS and doesn't like seeing him upset and so can't just "ignore him like I do."

The child isn't going to learn how to handle stressors if he's constantly exposed to them.
He needs a safe space where he's protected from them to allow him to fully trust that his parents are with him, which will help to build the resilience he needs to build up these skills.
If his father can learn not to touch him or overload him, then the boy will be better placed to be in a position to slowly learn how to handle it from others.
Constant bombardment will not magically make it go away, it'll lead to bigger problems in the long run.
It's not easy, I know, but this has to be the overall aim from both parents consistently (allowing for the fact that they are also human and will not get things right all the time).

I stand by what I said earlier about writing things down.
If this still doesn't work, then I would consider splitting up.

Please get him to read 'The Boy Made of Blocks' it is exactly about what you are talking about and written from the man's perspective. It's fab. I think he almost needs a 'what to do when' flow chart.

What to do when DS is getting upset about a minor change
Step 1. Etc etc.

Has he had any training? Been to any lectures or workshops? Because not everyone learns from reading it in a book. The thing is for adults to learn they need to be motivated and be able to see the relevance of what they're learning.

I did quite recently give DH an ultimatum. I told him that I couldnt stay married to someone who thought it was OK to do XYZ to our child. So he contacted the family guides (I put the leaflet in his hand) and read a book (that I ordered him from the library. He just got a rext saying your book is ready to be collected). It got better.

I would defintely tell him to fuck off if he blocked my way and demanded a kiss. Also if he touched DS when he was screaming no. Does he ever touch you when you dont want to be touched? Does he ignore your negative body language and verbal protests until you give in? Because if so we've just entered very different territory.

The problem with training is that while you can get some good general ideas kids with Asd are all different and often have different and opposing sensory sensitivities. While some may hate to be touched some may find deep pressure for eg hands firmly on shoulders, bear hugs, being rolled up in a duvet etc calming. Or they may alternate between the 2 depending on mood, situation etc.

Yeah, but the OP has already stated that her DS does not like those things, so that's not really an issue where the training is concerned, is it.
Learning to identify/ listen to the child's needs and respond appropriately is what the training should be focusing on - then anyone of reasonable intelligence should be able to adapt it to their own circumstances.

Maybe the dp has had success with some of his strategies before? Unless he actually does have low intelligence I can't see why he would carry on doing the same things if they NEVER worked.
And things like the dp saying there will be a consequence for 'silly' behaviour (though it's not clear what the behaviour was) how would the op know whether this would work? It seems like she will just undermine the dp and do things her 'right' way and her son will know this and not listen to his dad.
I'm interested to know what happens at school as the other kids won't necessarily have the magic words/reaction necessary when the ds is upset/angry.
Completely ignoring my child in distress isn't something I would be comfortable with. While I wouldn't want to inflame anything I would at least want to offer comfort (which they would be free to decline) and check in every now and again to let them know I was there for them. Maybe that could be a middle ground both parents could be comfortable with?

deck

You're getting one side of the story here. And using the term harming a child repeatedly implies that it is abusive. Please don't play dumb on that one with your face. Not a great choice of phrase.

The OP disagrees with her DPs parenting strategy so clearly there is some bias involved when she's writing. Parenting a child with ASD must be very difficult so I am prepared to stand up for this man as he may well be trying his best but still struggling. MN is notoriously anti-men and LTB and in this case, based on the facts given, I am not prepared to cry LTB.

How is he with your DD? Are we also thinking of her in this situation?

deck Yep putting across a legitimate point about a terrible turn of phrase you used and suddenly you don't want to engage and heavens above thinking there is more than one side to any story. I'm a right goady fucker

No, they have never been successful for him mumoftu. I don't get why he keeps doing it either. He threatens consequences but hasn't ever seen them through.

He won't take part in any courses. If I tell him I'm considering leaving over it he'll feel sorry for himself and withdraw but won't change.

Your DH stops you and asks for kiss and I love you thirty times a day?!

That's obsessive behaviour. He sounds overbearing with you and DS.

I imagine you're both feeling stifled and don't blame you wanting to leave at all.

Yes OP, that getting in your way and requiring you to kiss him etc is horribly controlling and attention-seeking. Do you think he's jealous of your DC, especially DS?

Yes, I feel like he seeks my attention almost more than the DC. He has various other times/situations he always waits for a kiss before we can proceed and just doesn't get that it's annoying rather than enjoyable.

You mentioned he'd look wounded if you don't - does that mean you keep doing it to keep him happy? You don't have to be pushed around like this – you can tell him this kissing thing is very annoying for you, you don't want him to do it and and you're not going to play along if he does. Then don't - just say "no" and move away.

He's clearly trying to make sure he is always first in your thoughts and you'll always attend to him first, at the expense of your DC. Maybe an overused phrase on MN but he's a manchild.

Would you support him with following through on consequences though op?

The way he behaves during a meltdown sounds as if he's panicking himself. At seven, is your ds able, when calm, to articulate what does and does not help him? If nothing else,surely your dh does want to help him to be happy? If you all sat down and made a chart of how to help ds and gave it a set period of time maybe he'd begin to alter his responses?

If he's just not willing I would definitely try to restrict the amount of time they were alone together.

The kissing thing is plain weird.

No they don't but kids with autism are capable of having meltdowns and tantrums ime. They aren't the same and need different approaches.

Can you find some videos online to help start change his thinking? My DH is clearly an undiagnosed Aspie but needed a lot of prodding to work out how to best look after our oldest child. Short clips and videos helped. maybe he could read Dog in the Nighttime or listen to the audio book? Something like that to flip the switch?

Maybe there is more than one way to deal with your son. You sound rather controlling.

Does your dh understand what sensory issues/overload actually means in practice? His behaviour suggests otherwise.