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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset with DP

144 replies

LouBlue1507 · 09/06/2017 08:15

Yesterday, I got up quickly from the sofa to get DD who is 10 months as I did, my knee 'popped' and gave way. There was some pain but I could hobble.

I was hobbling all evening and the pain has become increasingly worse. Ibuprofen isn't touching it. By bed time I could barely walk to bed.

This morning the pain is just as bad and I can only walk 2-3 steps before the pain is too bad and my knee can't support my weight. So buff shuffling it is.

I asked DP if he could not go to work today (he's a teacher) so he could help look after DD and drive me to the doctors as the pain means I can't drive. He's refused.

I'm really upset and in so much pain, we have no family near by and I'm struggling to look after DD. She's 10 months old and walking, she's into everything and despite babyproofing as best I can, I still need to get up and down to her.

AIBU to be upset with DP, should he have taken a day off work to help me so I can see a doctor?

OP posts:

speaksense · 09/06/2017 18:45

@nokidshere thank god you've got your head screwed on.

thatdearoctopus · 09/06/2017 19:27

Jesus, there's a lot of shit spouted on here.
I've been a (primary) teacher for 30 years with very few days off, all-told. I hobbled in on crutches on a badly-broken leg many weeks before the GP said I should, etc....etc... etc...

Of COURSE the OP's husband could and should have asked for a day off (paid, preferably). He is a parent, his wife was incapacitated and there was no other care available for his child. If the school had a problem with that absence then they need to take a look at their systems. That's not the OP's problem.

ohtheholidays · 09/06/2017 20:05

How are you now LouBlue1507 ?

I hope you've got your knee sorted and it's nothing serious and hope your DH is going to be looking after you and DD all weekend so you can rest your leg

Original poster

LouBlue1507 · 09/06/2017 20:23

Hi all! Thanks for all your messages..

The GP called and just said to dose up on inbuprofen and rest it, preferably elevated.

DP got home quite early and has been really good. I did tell him how upset I was this morning and he apologised said he didn't realise how much pain I was in.

Feeling a bit better now DD is in bed and I'm plonked on the sofa

OP posts:

NavyandWhite · 09/06/2017 20:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Venusflytwat · 09/06/2017 20:56

This thread is so stupid.
Why on earth didn't he drop you at minor injuries after work, them leave you there and take your DD home; leaving you to either call him to pick you up once seen or get a taxi home if she was in bed?
You need crutches. You've just missed your best opportunity to get them.
I don't get people.

Sallystyle · 09/06/2017 21:17

Bloody hell, teachers aren't so important they can't take some time off for their wife who can't walk or look after their child properly. Yes, I know it is extremely hard for teachers to take time off, but I know teachers who have managed it in similar situations. Many people in just as important jobs have to do it.

I am glad he apologised OP.

Trifleorbust · 10/06/2017 08:51

U2HasTheEdge

Teacher here. I would have taken time off for this, so I totally agree with you. Although teachers can't take discretionary holiday for, day, a day out, teaching is exactly the same as any other job with regards to a 'can't be helped' situation. You call your cover manager and say you cannot come in. If you have small children it comes out of your personal allowance.

Trifleorbust · 10/06/2017 08:51

*say

AvoidingCallenetics · 10/06/2017 09:11

He has said sorry, but in the end he did what he wanted to do and apologised afterwards, when the damage was done. I would keep an eye on this and see if it is a recurring attitude.
You are 10 months in, with a first baby and it is right now that attitudes and behaviours become entrenched - don't let it become the case that his life and work is more important than anything you need. The baby is not your sole responsibility to struggle with, no matter what. You need to be your partner's priority.

timeisnotaline · 10/06/2017 09:27

What avoiding says - he usually messages at lunchtime but didn't that day because 'he had no idea you were in such pain' or because he didn't really want to know ....

thatdearoctopus · 10/06/2017 09:31

Yes, it's easy for him to go through the motions of apologising now, when he doesn't have to follow through and do something he doesn't want to do.

He didn't text at lunchtime because he didn't want to feel emotionally pressured again to step up and do the right thing by his family.

Ignore this at your peril.

Siwdmae · 10/06/2017 09:56

Teachers get one paid half day of leave to look after a sick child, after that it is at the discretion of their headteacher if they have more leave and it is unpaid. I cannot see how your husband could justify having time off, given the current educational climate, because you've hurt your knee.Teachers barely get time off when they are ill.

Never heard such rubbish. If you're sick, you take time off as a teacher (I'm one). If your partner can't walk and there are children to look after, you bloody well take time off!

Someone in my school took virtually the whole year off to look after family members last year but because he came in one day every couple of weeks, he was paid. Other colleagues would phone to say their child was sick and would not come in. Pay was not docked,

Teachers barely get time off when they're ill

Now I know you're talking rubbish! I had months off after an accident, was fully paid and could've taken double the time off. A colleague had a double mastectomy, was fully paid for the six months off.

And to the OP, I'd be thoroughly pissed off that he still went to work. I hurt my knee really badly 18 months ago, partial tear to the patella tendon and couldn't walk. I hope you're better soon and nothing's torn.

sailorcherries · 10/06/2017 13:04

To everyone saying I have no idea what I'm talking about, I teach and those circumstances I've described are what life is like daily for myself and a vast number of teachers I know. You seem to be in the minority.

Phone up when your child has chicken pox to be told that they can find cover for the morning, make it in by the afternoon.
Turn up to work puffy eyed, feeling nauseous and running a temperature because the last time you were ill you were subjected to a return to work interview because of one day off, whereupon your head teacher questioned the need for you to actually be off on both occasions.
Child or yourself need a doctor or dentist appointment? Best make sure it is before or after school, even if that means waiting weeks, because there is no cover and your absences won't be okayed.
Hell even maternity appointments were a killer to take and return to work times were basically timed to a tee "your appointment is here at this time, we can get cover until this time and you best be back".

Long term sick, sick notes and carers leave are all different.

I also never said that teachers who had days off were crap or should be sacked, please don't twist words. I did say many teachers do not take time off because they fear the repercussions of ofstead, senior management, work colleagues and their opinions, work load and so on.

If you don't have these issues then great, however you only need to look at surverys on teacher drop out rates in the first 5 years nqt, teachers quitting for other professions and teacher mental health to know that these unrealistic expectations are played out in the work place every day.

sailorcherries · 10/06/2017 13:05

Oh and car accidents, life saving surgery, any surgery, long term illness =/= general days off for being ill. Apples and oranges.

gleam · 10/06/2017 13:11

Erm, I'd still be wanting to be seen properly by a doctor.

thatdearoctopus · 10/06/2017 13:17

Ofsted are far too busy running down schools to be interested in why you've had a day off sick, sailor.

All those things you mention can be an issue in any workplace where there's an unfriendly/uncaring management team. Teaching is no worse that some other areas.

I'd be looking for a new school, if I were you. I'm not saying my HT hasn't got her faults, but she's amazing when it comes to allowing time off.

Teachervoice · 10/06/2017 14:40

Definitely agree with octopus: I'd also be looking for a new school if I were you.

Common sense that you'd need to try and schedule non-emergency doctor and dentist appointments for non-work times. That happens everywhere and I find it a lot easier to schedule these now that I can cut away at 3 from school if I really need to, rather than having to be in work until 5pm minimum.

As far as going in under the circumstances you've described: sod that. What are they going to do? Sack you? Back to work interviews are commonplace but no-one without a medical degree would be telling me whether or not I should have taken a day off. I'm an adult so I make my own decisions!

I'm currently 18 weeks pregnant and have managed to schedule all appointments outside of school times so far. Upcoming 20 week scan is smack, bang in the middle of the day and when I (apologetically) mentioned this to my line manager (deputy head) she asked why on earth I'd been trying to get them out of school time: she wouldn't have been! Maybe I'm lucky but I also know that the working environment you've described is most definitely not the majority of schools and sounds totally intolerable to me!

Writerwannabe83 · 10/06/2017 16:57

sailor - I agree with the others, your school sounds very unfair.

My DH has worked in three schools since we've met and none of them have ever had a problem with him being off sick, either because he's unwell himself or if I'm unwell at home and can't look after our child. If our DS's childminder is ever ill we take it in turns to call work to say we can't come in and likewise if DS himself is sick. No school he's ever worked in has caused him a problem because of this.

He also had to have 6 weekly physio appointments at the moment and this requires him to take other a morning or afternoon off and again, work have never been difficult with him over it.

I imagine a lot of the scenarios you described in your post have been experienced by many people in differing jobs, it's not a 'teacher thing' and is more likely a shitty employer issue.

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