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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset with DP

144 replies

LouBlue1507 · 09/06/2017 08:15

Yesterday, I got up quickly from the sofa to get DD who is 10 months as I did, my knee 'popped' and gave way. There was some pain but I could hobble.

I was hobbling all evening and the pain has become increasingly worse. Ibuprofen isn't touching it. By bed time I could barely walk to bed.

This morning the pain is just as bad and I can only walk 2-3 steps before the pain is too bad and my knee can't support my weight. So buff shuffling it is.

I asked DP if he could not go to work today (he's a teacher) so he could help look after DD and drive me to the doctors as the pain means I can't drive. He's refused.

I'm really upset and in so much pain, we have no family near by and I'm struggling to look after DD. She's 10 months old and walking, she's into everything and despite babyproofing as best I can, I still need to get up and down to her.

AIBU to be upset with DP, should he have taken a day off work to help me so I can see a doctor?

OP posts:
MathsFiend · 09/06/2017 10:15

Your partner is a dick. Don't know why teachers have some sort of get out clause from having to take emergency parental leave because their jobs are oh so important. Lots of people have important jobs. But people who are not as selfish as the OP's DH would take leave to support her.

Coconutwoman · 09/06/2017 10:17

I agree Navy and Maths.
If teachers can't take any emergency time off to look after their own child then they shouldn't become parents at all.

sailorcherries · 09/06/2017 10:19

It's not about a job being 'oh so important', it's about the discretion of senior managenent to okay certain leave; the lack of supply cover and things such as performance related pay, redundancies and cuts, bullying over work ethic, pressures from HMIe/Ofstead and so on.

No teacher I know enjoys the predicament they are in when they, their children or their partner are ill.

NavyandWhite · 09/06/2017 10:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PerspicaciaTick · 09/06/2017 10:23

Either get an appointment later in the afternoon if possible, then DH can finish school as early as possible and take you. Or wait until he gets home and then use the OOH service.

AvoidingCallenetics · 09/06/2017 10:26

Cherries, lots of people are in the same situation, wrt taking time off. It isn't just teachers. I think a lot of the time it is just a complete pita to take time off and creates extra work upon their return, so many people would just prefer not to, even when it means throwing their oh under the bus.

If he was operating on someone's brain this morning, I would agree that he should go to work, but the truth is, he is not going to be doing anything that cannot be covered by someone else for one day.

ohtheholidays · 09/06/2017 10:27

Can you ring your DH OP?

If you can I would,tell him you know how difficult it is but you need to be seen by a Dr and he needs to help you get there.

Don't leave it any longer you don't want to do any serious or permanent damage by putting weight on the joint when you don't know what you've done to it and for what it's worth I was a single mum to 4DC with no support and one of those children is disabled,I wouldn't wish having an injury and no support on anyone!

I hope he comes home and you get your knee sorted,it sounds like your having a really crap day Flowers

nokidshere · 09/06/2017 10:44

There is no reasoning with someone who has no experience of what they are talking about, we will agree to disagree.

As it happens I have plenty of experience

I don't need you to reason with me - regardless of your job sometimes your family has to come first and I don't know any teachers who have not had to take time off at some point because they are needed at home.

nokidshere · 09/06/2017 10:48

It's not about a job being 'oh so important', it's about the discretion of senior managenent to okay certain leave; the lack of supply cover and things such as performance related pay, redundancies and cuts, bullying over work ethic, pressures from HMIe/Ofstead and so on. No teacher I know enjoys the predicament they are in when they, their children or their partner are ill.

No it's not - it's about employees having rights and parental leave, sickness, emergencies, are not at the HTs discretion.

And no person I know enjoys those work/home predicaments regardless of what job they do.

welshweasel · 09/06/2017 10:58

I'd be pissed off with DH in those circumstances (although he has the option to WFH so not really an issue).

However, looking longer term you really need to plan for these sorts of things. The whole ground floor of our house is pretty much baby proof so long as the stair gate is across the stairs, so DS can roam around freely. I have no family nearby so made a massive effort to make 'mum friends' whilst on mat leave, who have been immensely helpful in these sorts of situations, even helping us out of a tight spot re childcare at 6.30am one day. What do you do all day with a 10 month old that mean you've managed to avoid making a single friend? Agencies such as sitters.com are brilliant at providing short notice childcare, which would have solved the issue. Make friends with your neighbours, find out who the local childminders are.

welshweasel · 09/06/2017 11:01

Even brain surgeons can take time off. I'm a surgeon and I had to leave work to pick DS up from nursery when he was ill. Obviously if I was actually in the middle of an operation I couldn't, but I could cancel the rest of the operating list/clinic and leave. I've only had to do it once as usually DH or friends would go, but family absolutely comes first.

LakieLady · 09/06/2017 11:01

I ruptured my ACL completely in a skiing accident. I had to wait for the swelling to go down to have the reconstruction op. Basically they sent me home with loads of anti-inflammatories and sticks to help me walk without it giving way. After a couple of days, I could get around pretty well.

Blimey, when I did mine, I was in a full length cast for 10 weeks. They must have changed their practice a lot since 1982! I had a partial dislocation of the kneecap as well, that may have made a difference.

OP, I think you have no option but to taxi to the doctor. And while it's understandable you're upset, I think YAB a little bit U.

Mind you, DP will stay home at the drop of a hat, he often offers to stay home and look after me if I'm not well. He hates his job!

Original poster
LouBlue1507 · 09/06/2017 11:02

I'm a student and suffer from PND and anxiety which stops me from socialising and making friends.

OP posts:
TanteJeanne · 09/06/2017 11:06

It sounds very difficult but I think you need to do your best until 4 o'clock- or whenever DH can get home- then he can take you straight to minor injuries ( or A&E). At least it's Friday and he'll be home for the next couple of days.

In the longer term, you'd be wise to build up your support network. Friends/ acquaintances are such positives in life, even when you are not in crisis. It's really helpful to have even just one or two people you could ask for help from time to time.

Yes your DH is the other half of your parenting team... but he is doing his bit by being at work. I don't think this is an emergency. Taking leave IS different for teachers than for many other jobs.

expatinscotland · 09/06/2017 11:08

Oh, casting is horrible for that, Lakie, especially if you have surgical reconstruction. You have to get it moving to avoid clots and improve chances of the graft vascularising. I had a full recon with my hamstring tendon and walked on it (with a frame and brace) some hours later. I had a CPM machine on it, too. Even without surgical recon, it's vital to get the muscles back to support the joint and avoid further damage to it. I dislocated the knee cap, too. When I did it it was super duper cold out. Probably a good thing because the pain utterly winded me. I was off piste and alone, so I packed a load of snow round it and sat for a bit. Then I got up and walked out, using my sticks for aid. I saw an orthopaedist the next day (I did it on a Sunday) and it was totally blown.

2014newme · 09/06/2017 11:12

You know you can hire an emergency nanny? I've had to do it before when I was injured. Dh did take time off but that couldn't last forever.

NavyandWhite · 09/06/2017 11:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BlackeyedSusan · 09/06/2017 11:17

if ppa time is this afternoon ask if he can come home to take you to a and e.

in the mean time can you strap it up?

Gingernut81 · 09/06/2017 11:30

Not all teachers get paid parental leave, I certainly don't! Where we work we're allowed time off for hospital and emergency dental appointments only otherwise it's all unpaid leave.
I'm sorry Op but I wouldn't take time off if my DH was in the same predicament and nor would he expect me to. Can you not put DC in front of CBeebies for the day, keeps my DD out of trouble when I'm ill and on my own!

Lostinaseaofbubbles · 09/06/2017 11:31

Have you been to any baby groups? Did you exchange numbers with anyone at any of those groups?

When I was on mat leave with my first ds, I'd've taken you to GP/a&e with mine and your littlies. Be something different to do for a day and it's nice to do a good deed!

I can see why you're annoyed with your DP, but I can also see why he feels he can't take the day off - particularly if you were more casual with the way you asked him and he didn't realise how much discomfort you were in.

If you can't get to the doc today, cbeebies is your friend. Do you have a ball pool or anything else that is likely to encourage her to remain in one place?

IAmNotAUserNumber · 09/06/2017 11:39

Surely the issue is - is it reasonable or not for the DH to take time off to provide suitable care for his child, because the child's carer is incapacitated and unable to provide care to a safe standard? Which I think is yes, that is reasonable.

2014newme · 09/06/2017 11:39

@navyandwhite if her dp stayed home it would be unpaid parental leave anyway. So hiring an emergency nanny or mothers help would likely be cheaper than a days lost teacher salary.

2014newme · 09/06/2017 11:40

Yes he has a legal right to take unpaid parental leave in this case.

LetsSplashMummy · 09/06/2017 11:45

First, strap it up and elevate it.

Then, stop being angry at your DH. There are not many jobs where people get time off for their partners health problems and even less where people get time off for their partner having a fairly minor injury and being too nervous to call someone more appropriate for help.

Call someone to watch your DD and take a taxi to minor injuries or walk in. There are very few people who would have any issue with watching a child for someone in this situation, most people wouldn't bat an eyelid and will reply "of course." I've done last minute childcare like this more times than I can count and sometimes for people I don't know that well. Then once the pain is gone, make an appointment to get better help with your PND and anxiety as it isn't practical or enjoyable to live in such an isolated way, so dependant on your DH.

NavyandWhite · 09/06/2017 11:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.