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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be irrationally upset by DH's vote.

607 replies

brotherhoodofspam · 08/06/2017 17:20

Just found out that DH has voted Tory for the 2nd time now. He's doing it tactically as hates SNP but I'd already pointed out to him this morning that labour came 2nd here last time. I know it's stupid but I feel really upset about this. I always thought we had a similar world view and I hate the thought that he's done the whole cliche of turning from a left wing student into a right wing middle class professional. He's really angry with me now for the way I reacted but I wouldn't be the person be married if I just said. " that's nice dear". Just now I'm feeling pretty disgusted with him though. AIBU?

OP posts:
squoosh · 08/06/2017 18:35

Really? Of course someone can vote BNP if they want but it would rather indicate quite an extreme shift in political opinion. It wouldn't bother you that your partner aligned themselves with BNP values?

OatcakeCravings · 08/06/2017 18:35

YANBU, I wouldn't marry a Tory, up to people who they vote for but politics is important to me and I also have certain core values that I firmly believe in which are not represented by the Tory party. I also believe in things like not privatising the NHS which obviously Tory voters don't believe in. So I completely get that you feel you have married someone with a set of beliefs and values and they have totally changed and the person you married is different. And I understand Scotland as am there.

ShotsFired · 08/06/2017 18:36

I'm taking the view that the @brotherhoodofspam's husband is an intelligent and decent man. I'm taking that view because pretty much everyone IS good at heart and trying to do their best.

So given that, I can only believe he voted Conservative because that was what he believed was the best option.

(The alternative apparently being that he was doing some kind of cartoon gleeful hand rubbing and shouting "SCREW YOU POOR PEOPLE!" while he kicked over a pensioner and strangled a kitten for a snack.)

You or I may not agree with his conclusion or choice of X. Some of us may not even understand it, and some us seem to judge him as repugnant lesser person because of it, but fundamentally he is simply another human being trying to make the best of a bad lot. We all are.

So FOTTFSOFATFOSM to everyone who is declaring moral superiority over anyone who dares disagree with their own version of "best", because we're all taking part for the same reason.

Also PS. I think I am a little bit in love with the level headed and quite eloquent @LiviaDrusillaAugusta from her posts these past few days.

Shamefuldodger · 08/06/2017 18:37

Just because someone has the democratic right to do something doesn't mean you aren't allowed to hold an opinion on it.

When did that attitude start?

So no one would have an opinion about their dh voting ukip, attending a bnp rally or protesting against gay marriage?

All of those things are perfectly legal and democratic, as is voting Tory.

Doesn't mean you can't go 'hmm, I don't think we share the same values anymore.' and be a bit upset about that.

LittleBeautyBelle · 08/06/2017 18:37

You can't help your feelings, so yanbu for feeling upset. We all want to feel we are married to a person who is aligned with our value system--that makes sense!

Both sides think they're right and hold good values or else they wouldn't vote the way they do. The way you feel about the other side is how the other side feels about you.

Your dh's vote is his vote just as yours is yours. His vote is not yours to control. But yanbu to have feelings about it. I would too if it were me and my dh voted the opposite.

optionalrationale · 08/06/2017 18:39

It's gaslighting, emotional abuse and you are being patriarchally oppressed,
EL tee Beeeee

EC22 · 08/06/2017 18:39

I'd be disgusted of my DH voted Tory. I'd never have married someone who did and to change so much Woul have me questioning our entire relationship. I like to have shared values in my marriage.

MsJudgemental · 08/06/2017 18:39

YANBU. Flowers

GwenStaceyRocks · 08/06/2017 18:41

I understand why you're upset because it represents a shift in your DH's values away from something that you once shared. When my DH was voting at opposite ends of the spectrum from me (he has shifted to vote the same as me) I looked at his actions to see if they matched the policies of the party ie was he living the values he was voting for or was he living values that aligned more with my own? Maybe doing similar will help you to deal with this shift in your DH.

CrossWordSalad · 08/06/2017 18:42

if the op's husband had said I hate children, the NHS, the disabled and poor people she'd be within her rights to say she wants to ltb. Well with a simple X he just said that

Fuck off

Killdora · 08/06/2017 18:43

Just because someone has the democratic right to do something doesn't mean you aren't allowed to hold an opinion on it

Exactly.

Upanddownroundandround · 08/06/2017 18:43

YANBU. It's not to do with the vote, it's to do with how he has changed as a person. As much as he can vote any way he wants you are allowed to be upset about it.

LakieLady · 08/06/2017 18:43

I'd feel the same, OP, so imo YANBU.

Like Kingfisher, my political views arise from my ethics and if DP suddenly started voting Tory (marginally less likely than him sprouting wings and learning to fly) I'd be horrified that he was in favour of things I believe to be morally wrong.

I wouldn't want to share my life with him any more, I think.

seoulsurvivor · 08/06/2017 18:44

shots yes, calling people 'knobs' - the height of eloquence.

Charmageddon · 08/06/2017 18:45

It's gaslighting, emotional abuse and you are being patriarchally oppressed,
EL tee Beeeee

GrinGrin

Ankleswingers · 08/06/2017 18:48

Oh get a grip.

Ffs

CrossWordSalad · 08/06/2017 18:49

Somehow not seeing any of the self righteous Tory members on this thread being impressed by their partners voting labour or green. Fundamental difference of values

I'm in exactly that situation and it doesn't bother me at all. My DH can do as he sees best. The fact that we disagree on what is best at the present is fine.

Raspberriesaretheonlyfruit · 08/06/2017 18:49

I don't think either party has people from radically different perspectives though. Both are made up of nice middle class people. It's not like Communinism or Nazi party or something. Labour and Conservatives want the NHS, both are agreeing to Brexit, both have tax policies that tax the better off.
It's really about the detail of manifesto policies.

Hulababy · 08/06/2017 18:49

if the op's husband had said I hate children, the NHS, the disabled and poor people she'd be within her rights to say she wants to ltb. Well with a simple X he just said that

Argh. I don't vote Tory and even I know that is utterly ridiculous hyperbole!

Dairymilkmuncher · 08/06/2017 18:49

I would feel the same OP!

I love my DP for who he is just now and if he changed his core values in ten or twenty years I would be a bit Hmm that's not growing up that's being a different person....

BUT your DP has said its tactical, he's trying to vote with his head instead of his heart and that's important for you to remember as his heart is probably still in the same place! And mine is with the SNP.....Grin

PinkPeppers · 08/06/2017 18:50

Vestal i agree with you.

Yes it's entirely up to him how he is voting.
But how he is voting is also a reflection of his values and these values are not the same than the OP.
No wonder she is upset .

I'm Shock at the idea that moving onto boring Tory is becoming a grown up. I would say it's moving onto becoming self centred myself....

NataliaOsipova · 08/06/2017 18:51

Some of the stuff spouted on here is very simplistic. "Tories screw poor people - Labour helps them" type of stuff. Playground level analysis.

The two party system means that the main parties are hugely broad churches. Do Jeremy Corbyn and Chuka Ummuna hold the same views? What about Ken Clarke and Peter Lilley? Even the Lib Dems are a mix of Liberals and Social Democrats - say, Norman Lamb compared to Tim Farron.

Plus - at the end of the day, you vote for your local MP and not a party leader. Maybe your DH made his decision on that basis. Alternatively, on a national level, your choice is between a Socialist and a not quite one nation Tory, both of whom seem hell bent on the road to ruin. Don't think a vote for either is any sort of expression of moral turpitude or otherwise.

FizbotheClown · 08/06/2017 18:51

Wow I'm impressed at all these people who have voted for the same party their entire lives.

My do and I have been married 25 years. During that time I normally vote labour,lib dem or green. First time I've voted Tory. Sorry but the Labour Party as it now with Corbyn at the helm in power at this moment in time utterly terrifies me. Labour and Lib Dems appalling track record is something I can't forget. Don't trust either a jot.

I'm not against a well resourced NHS but I am against bankrupting the country and picking money off money trees. I think it's in everybody's long term interest to have a few more years of austerity. I also want somebody with balls handling the Brexit I never voted for and of course Trump.

Next election I'll probably switch again. Dh still loves me.Grin

PinkPeppers · 08/06/2017 18:53

Hula ridicule hyperbole but her DH HAS just voted to reduce the NHS, reduce benefits even more and has also voted to see our human rights becoming a thing of the past.
He HAS AGREED for all that to happen.

So OK, maybe he doesn't hate the disabled etc etc. But he certainly has CHOSEN to make their life a heel of a lot harder.

I also appreciate the fact that he isn't actually owning to it and says it was just tactical voting.
Which shows that he actually isn't prepared to actually stand up for what he thinks is good (or he actually hasn't really thought about what he was dog with his vote)

waitforitfdear · 08/06/2017 18:53

I voted Tory as Corbyn is a complete twat. If dh voted labour we would debate it but it's his vote snd his choice. I have 4 grown up kids and I wouldn't dream of demanding they think like me or vote like me.

How odd and controlling.