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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be irrationally upset by DH's vote.

607 replies

brotherhoodofspam · 08/06/2017 17:20

Just found out that DH has voted Tory for the 2nd time now. He's doing it tactically as hates SNP but I'd already pointed out to him this morning that labour came 2nd here last time. I know it's stupid but I feel really upset about this. I always thought we had a similar world view and I hate the thought that he's done the whole cliche of turning from a left wing student into a right wing middle class professional. He's really angry with me now for the way I reacted but I wouldn't be the person be married if I just said. " that's nice dear". Just now I'm feeling pretty disgusted with him though. AIBU?

OP posts:
user1493759849 · 08/06/2017 21:50

This is why I am telling NO-ONE how I voted. NO-ONE... It's such a passionate one this time, and has caused so many arguments amongst families and friends and colleagues.

People at work have been discussing it and have (nearly) all said who they voted for. And there have been some huge spats this week. I have not said who I voted for, and have been keeping out of all the rows. SEVEN people have asked me today who I voted for, and my husband has asked me 3 times. It's killing him not knowing who I voted for. It's basically none of his business or anyone else's.

DH and my daughters have opposing views, and so if I voted a certain way and admitted it, our daughters would be upset and angry, or DH would be. It has fuck-all to do with anyone else, and I have no intention of telling. If people persist, I'll just say I put a spoilt vote in.

It's called a SECRET BALLOT for a reason. And I am not telling who I voted for. I can't be arsed with the hassle, the questions, the judging from the people opposed to who I voted for, and DH (or our daughters) feeling like the OP does, ranting about how ANGRY they are at who I voted for!

DH said 'I won't judge you, just tell me........' And my daughters and colleagues have said basically the same. 'I'm not bothered, you have to do what's best for you ...' And then they look wide eyed waiting for me to say 'er OK, Labour! Tory! Green, Lib dems, whatever.......And I just walk away leaving them standing there gawping.

Basically, they can all insist they won't judge, but I know they will.........

And OP, YABU.

BearFoxBear · 08/06/2017 21:50

YANBU I would be absolutely disgusted if dh voted tory. Their policies are morally repugnant.

Madhairday · 08/06/2017 21:53

I get it, OP. I would really struggle if my dh voted tory, because our worldviews and values would then be poles apart. Our political views have always been something we have shared in the main and we come from the same place in the way we view society. Him voting tory would seem to me like a rejection of all that.

I completely agree though that everyone has a right to vote however they wish. My parents vote Tory, they have thought out their positions with the help of the Fail and while I struggle with their choice I refuse to be disgusted at them or angry with them because they're my parents, I love them and I will not let this come between us.

But if it was dh... I don't know. I would find it incredibly difficult. But I hope I'd find a way through that.

20nil · 08/06/2017 21:53

Surely it depends on how important politics are to you? It's a big part of my life so I couldn't be married to someone who fundamentally disagreed with me about what amounts to my world view. It's not just a vote to me; it's a reflection of broader views about education, the economy, foreign relations etc ... things I campaign on and care passionately about. I imagine many Labour and Tory voters feel the same way about their own relationships. To me it's like being religious and not being able to marry someone who wasn't.

CrossWordSalad · 08/06/2017 21:54

Actually racism is a very good indication of right wing policies which is what the quote in my post asked about.

I don't understand what that sentence means. Racism is a characteristic of people. Policies are policies. One can't be an indicator of the other.

Anyway it must be lovely having such a warm and positive view of you fellow country persons - what is that about 60% of people in the UK you write off as racists? You see, I don't understand how some one can simultaneously hate the majority of humanity and espouse left wing politics. It just seems a massive contradiction to me.

CrossWordSalad · 08/06/2017 21:57

...but obviously a fairly commonly held conradictory view. Any explanations welcomed.

MaidOfStars · 08/06/2017 21:57

Regardless of what you think, you can't tell a left wing voter from a right wing one unless you talk politics
What do you talk about over dinner? Or a glass of wine? 'Politics' is a major part of normal conversation for me and my husband, for me and my friends. Short of 'science', which is a unifying feature across most of us, 'politics' is next. We might have a brief foray into an interesting new album or whether it's worth watching Boxset X, but then we return to our lives, how they are lived, what affects that life.

ShotsFired · 08/06/2017 22:01

CrossWordSalad But actually I don't think voting differently does necessarily mean you have different values. I know that me and my DH completely share our values. We have just come to different conclusions at this election as to which is the best way to vote to achieve these. Which is absolutely fine.

^^ This. I don't understand why that basic concept seems so alien, for Labour supporters on this thread especially, to grasp. We ALL made the best decision with the information we thought about with our brains.

Don't insult people and tell them you know better and they are murderers if they decided differently to you ("literal" murderers too, apparently. The jails will be bulging!)

Atenco · 08/06/2017 22:10

YANBU

I would hate that. I think the people thinking that it doesn't matter aren't really that interested in politics.

I live in Mexico. My ex, when he was courting me said that, like me he hated bull-fighting. It turned out it was a lie and he even took our dd to see it. Grrrr

AudacityJones · 08/06/2017 22:48

Depends really. I once broke up with a boyfriend once we realised our political values were not in alignment (he thought homeless people were usually homeless by choice and just needed to work harder).
But until this election DH and I have voted for different parties. We've had lots of debates about it - we actually do have broadly similar values just small differences on which values we prioritise. We are immigrants, and tbh the difference between the Tories and Labour are not THAT stark. In other countries we are debating differences over a woman's right to bodily autonomy, whether my gay friends can marry etc. Here we are debating tax rates of 45% vs 50%.
I'm a staunch Labour voter, but the Tories are still way closer to my values than say the Republicans ever would be. One of the things I genuinely love about Britain.

ffauxlivia · 09/06/2017 02:46

OP now I'm mad with your husband too as it looks like tactical voting like his in Scotland will be giving Tories their majority!!

RhythmAndStealth · 09/06/2017 02:56

LTB.

DreichAgain · 09/06/2017 03:02

I have been married to a lib dem voter for decades.

It's the cross I have to bear.

DreichAgain · 09/06/2017 03:04

We also totally share our core values but have different backgrounds which colour our voting.

SilverdaleGlen · 09/06/2017 03:24

I think we just hit peak left 🙄

It's his vote to use as he wishes.

LittleBeautyBelle · 09/06/2017 04:03

You're taxed at HALF your income? The government takes a full HALF, 50 %, of everything you make? I knew the rates were high there but that's highway robbery.

Must be a lot of gov officials who make very large salaries and probably a lot of waste in the budget. You are used to it because they've done it and increased it over the years I guess, but I think it's nuts. You all are being taken for a ride....50%? Sorry, should be able to fund adequately without taking half, that's outrageous.

Ginger782 · 09/06/2017 04:07

How would you feel if HE said HE was disgusted with you for the way you voted?

Believeitornot · 09/06/2017 05:30

You're taxed at HALF your income? The government takes a full HALF, 50 %, of everything you make? I knew the rates were high there but that's highway robbery

^incorrect

LittleBeautyBelle · 09/06/2017 05:45

That's what Audacity said. Glad to hear she is wrong on the percentage, a bunch of craziness.

BabyHamster · 09/06/2017 05:45

Well, it looks like you might be having the last laugh OP.

But yes, sorry but YABU to be annoyed with him, he's an adult and he can choose how to vote!

Themoonhatesthestars · 09/06/2017 10:20

OP - what was the result in your constituency? It's not outing as quite a few moved from yellow to blue. Ours stayed yellow.

AudacityJones · 09/06/2017 11:28

Oof, pedantic much? I didn't say the government takes half of what I make - but the headline difference in taxation between the Conservative party and the Labour Party is the top rate of tax on income above £150k which is 50% (Labour) and 45% (Conservative). Hope you're happy with the clarification!

(Sorry if you were genuinely asking a question and not being snarky).

Sparklyglitter · 09/06/2017 17:27

Sorry it's up to him who he votes for maybe you should both agree not to share who you vote for anymore?

clarkl2 · 09/06/2017 17:29

Wanker

jessebuni · 09/06/2017 17:32

YANBU feel upset about your difference she in views but YABU to have a go at him about it. It's democracy in action everyone has a right to choose. Yes it's would be nice if you agreed on political issues but no one agrees on everything 100%. This election was difficult for me because there were positives and negatives for multiple parties in my mind so it was a tough call to make. I told my husband off because he said he was just going to close his eyes and tick a box 😡 I said he should actually look at each party and make a choice he actually believed in or not vote at all. He did look into I think and he did vote but I didn't even ask who he chose because whilst we discuss politics in our marriage I never want either of us to feel like our choice is wrong if we don't make the same one. perhaps in future don't tell one another who you voted for to save disagreeing.