Being left out of girls holiday

[mummy2oneandtwo]

There are 3 of us in one of my friendship groups, we've been friends since Uni and have always gotten on so well, been abroad together a couple of times, always great fun.

Recently another holiday came up, my 2 friends are single, I am married with toddler twins, so I have to consider childcare, but still more than up for a few days away in the sun.

The dates initially suggested I couldn't do as I couldn't get childcare for those dates, so I suggested the exact same holiday, but flying out a few days earlier. The flight on the original date arrived at 11am, the flight on the alternative date got us in at 5pm. Other than that, everything stayed the same, 4 nights away, all inclusive.

Everyone could do the alternative date, brilliant. Then one friend changed her mind, saying it wasn't worth a 4 hour flight for only 3 full days of sun, and she would only go on the 11am flight so that she got nearly 4 full days.

So much back and forth went on, but in the end, they have booked the dates I can't do. They go tomorrow and I feel so hurt. We met last week to talk it through and the one friend was very defensive and said she is sure it makes her selfish, but she want's longer in the sun, and basically said I was making a fuss that they were going without me, as they haven't done it to be mean, just that our lives are in different places and we can't always do everything together.

Sometimes we do things in a pair; a concert, cinema etc... but a girls holiday, I think you make sure it includes everyone.

My point was that when there was a date we could all do, you pick that one so that everyone can go. If I couldn't of made any date, or couldn't of left the children, then obviously go without me, but to actively push and then book the date I can't do....just feels mean....all for an extra 6 hours away.

AIBU to be hurt by this?

😅laughing at some of the responses here.... a fremeny,selfish cows all because they don't want to lose holiday time on a short 4 day break and pay extra to go when op wants seriously it's like teenage drama

Really? People are hoping it rains, that their flight is delayed and that they have a miserable time all because they wanted to maximise their holiday time?

I guess some people never grow out of high school dramatics.

OP, you're not one of those "I have a child so therefore everything revolves around me" types, are you?

I mean, you wanted them to give up a quarter of their break. How is that remotely reasonable?!

Really? People are hoping it rains, that their flight is delayed and that they have a miserable time all because they wanted to maximise their holiday time?hmm

I guess some people never grow out of high school dramatics.

It's what I've been saying all along. Some people are just bonkers and not accepting that. Other adults want to do things differently.

Any there there was the MN go to suggestion to make things better-Have a spa day!

There was no valid reason why the Op couldn't join the group other than she didn't want to but she wanted the other two to lose out.

I am child free and on the OPs side.

Your friend is selfish to prioritise 6 hours of sun ahead of your friendship.

I also question them using your child care as an excuse. What would they have done if you had work commitments on the original days? Would you be at different stages of your lives then?!

I would listen to them. They are telling you how they value your friendship. To me it comes across that they have been feeling different from you for a while and are using the holiday to tell you that.

However if friendship events always happen around your childcare then they are not being unreasonable. But only you know that op.

I would be on the Ops side if it was a fortnight holiday. Not 4 days where you end up missing a chunk of it.

Sorry OP but I'm with your friend on this one, as others have said, 5pm means you miss the day,whereas the 11am gets you the afternoon and the evening,which on a 4 day break makes the difference.

I empathise with your situation as I am the only one with dc in my main friendship group and I accept that this means there's things they do which I can't be a part of, but I don't expect them to change their plans to accommodate me. It's not like they didn't invite you, they just wanted to stick to the original plan, I don't think it's unreasonable and that you should hold a grudge.

Next time you initiate the holiday planning and find times and dates that work for you (this is what I do as I find then I'm more likely to get my own way!).

In your position, I would never have expected my friends to miss out on a whole day of their holiday and at an extra cost just so that you could go with, especially when there's was an alternative for you. I think you were the unreasonable one.

I am a single parent and YABU.

I have shared custody of DD so if stuff happens when it's my week to have DD then I miss out on stuff. Occasionally if I have enough notice I can arrange things with DDs dad or my parents to have her for a couple of days but if I can't then I know that there will be events I will miss.

You wanted your friends to change their plans entirely and are then pissed when they ultimately said no. You are the one in the wrong. I think they were very gracious to even consider swapping the dates in the first place just to accommodate you, and are entirely justified to decide, on reflection, that the original dates work better for them.

There are many factors as to why their dates are better:

• They were the original dates they wanted, they didn't even have to consider compromising, but they were willing to see if it was logistically possible, it isn't.

• There was a possibility of you compromising and flying out a day later, but you don't want to. If you don't want to compromise, why should they?

• When you're only getting 4 days, you want to maximise the time on holiday - so an 11am flight is much more preferable than a 5pm flight ... by the time the 5pm flight is just taking off, the 11am flight have already landed, got to the hotel, unpacked, had a wander round the hotel/resort, dome some sunbathing and are considering where to go to dinner.

• The actual days involved are also important imho. Their holiday starts Wednesday and they fly back Saturday. Assuming they work Mon-Fri they will be able to spend the weekend before packing/preparing, go in to work Mon/Tues and get everything set up for their colleagues to cover them the rest of the week, and then maximise their days off to actually be on holiday, and flying back on Saturday they can then have the Sunday as a "buffer day" of resting/recovering from the travel/unpacking and getting set up before going back to work Monday.

• Your holiday would have been flying out Saturday - after wasting their Saturday sitting around waiting for a flight - and returning Tuesday. They would then only be using up 2 days of work holiday but losing their whole weekend. They'd be finishing a week of work on the Friday, getting ready for the trip before they have to leave on the Saturday. Then when they get back they either have to take an extra day off work to catch up with jetlag or go straight back to work tired from the travelling and do a 4 day week.

• Also when you go on holiday, most of the entertainment/activities etc are better at the weekend, and their holiday gives them a couple of days of chilling by the pool, a chance to go out Friday night then have Saturday chilling out before they fly back. Your holiday would have it that they could only really go out for a night out (and even on a chilled holiday there's usually one "night out") on the night they arrive, almost as soon as they arive and for me that just wouldn't be enjoyable but Id feel like I had to go out then because it was the only opportunity.

Ouch. YANBU to be upset. I would find it difficult to put this behind me and would probably look to distance myself for a while.

Of course yanbu. I have 2 best friends and would never do this to one of them and would be extremely upset if they did it to me! By the time they get there, get through customs etc... Most of the 'extra day's will be gone! Their friendship is worth more to me than a couple of extra hours on holiday. If other mumsnetters would choose the extra hours over a friend then maybe they are just not very good friends after all..

If it were my friends we'd have found a different holiday, there's 100s places to go, sorry OP I'd feel the same

With 3 of you booking a holiday "together" I'd be upset if my "friends" couldn't factor in my childcare. They're not strangers, they know what's going on in my life.

But from your OP it didn't sound as if you were arranging it together it sounds more like friend A arranged it and you couldn't make it so (instead of politely declining) you started trying to change everything so then YABU.
Hope you see the difference and organise the next trip.