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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Being left out of girls holiday

138 replies

mummy2oneandtwo · 06/06/2017 14:07

There are 3 of us in one of my friendship groups, we've been friends since Uni and have always gotten on so well, been abroad together a couple of times, always great fun.

Recently another holiday came up, my 2 friends are single, I am married with toddler twins, so I have to consider childcare, but still more than up for a few days away in the sun.

The dates initially suggested I couldn't do as I couldn't get childcare for those dates, so I suggested the exact same holiday, but flying out a few days earlier. The flight on the original date arrived at 11am, the flight on the alternative date got us in at 5pm. Other than that, everything stayed the same, 4 nights away, all inclusive.

Everyone could do the alternative date, brilliant. Then one friend changed her mind, saying it wasn't worth a 4 hour flight for only 3 full days of sun, and she would only go on the 11am flight so that she got nearly 4 full days.

So much back and forth went on, but in the end, they have booked the dates I can't do. They go tomorrow and I feel so hurt. We met last week to talk it through and the one friend was very defensive and said she is sure it makes her selfish, but she want's longer in the sun, and basically said I was making a fuss that they were going without me, as they haven't done it to be mean, just that our lives are in different places and we can't always do everything together. Confused

Sometimes we do things in a pair; a concert, cinema etc... but a girls holiday, I think you make sure it includes everyone.

My point was that when there was a date we could all do, you pick that one so that everyone can go. If I couldn't of made any date, or couldn't of left the children, then obviously go without me, but to actively push and then book the date I can't do....just feels mean....all for an extra 6 hours away.

AIBU to be hurt by this?

OP posts:
Dutch1e · 06/06/2017 16:13

I thought both slots were Wed-Sun and thought how mean to not just have a lovely boozy day together before getting on the plane then a meal out when you arrive in the evening

Now I understand that your suggestion was a Saturday(night) to Wednesday and yeah, I have to agree that's a bad option. Nothing fun happens on a Mon/Tue. I'm sorry it didn't work out this time, I really doubt that it's about you, just unfortunate circumstances

ChocolateRaisin09 · 06/06/2017 16:31

I wonder if it might be the beginning of the end? I lost my uni mates when I had my daughter, they just didn't get the childcare thing, or anything really. They wanted to be on the pull, and chill after work, while I wanted to go crazy (as I hardly ever got out) and obviously not on the lookout...
They said I didn't understand as I "didn't have to work all day". Same buddies who smoked around me while I was pregnant and said I "wasn't taking to motherhood" because I had PND. Hmmm!
If people manage to keep their single mates when they have a family I think it's amazing! Sorry OP, I hope I'm wrong, but if I were you I'd get some lovely mummy mates who appreciate where you're coming from.
OR, just be super cool and laid back about it, wait it out, in a few years they'll see how harsh they've been.

BeepBeepMOVE · 06/06/2017 16:34

I wouldn't want to lose a whole day of only a 4 day trip, it's a lot. I always hate landing late, you just paying for extra night in hotel.

Not their fault you have no childcare.

AmserGwin · 06/06/2017 16:53

YABU, why didn't you want to do the time they wanted? You don't give a reason

NoFucksImAQueen · 06/06/2017 16:56

YABU, why didn't you want to do the time they wanted? You don't give a reason

Is childcare not a reason then?

Beeziekn33ze · 06/06/2017 16:56

AmserGwin - it's in the OP!

NoFucksImAQueen · 06/06/2017 16:57

Oh just realised you meant the 1am flight not the original one

Chewie198686 · 06/06/2017 17:05

Sorry, while you aren't really being unreasonable neither are they.

They suggested dates that you couldn't/didn't want to do.
You suggested dates that they couldn't/didn't want to do
No third set of dates were offered.

The majority went with what dates suited them best. It means you were left out but from what I can see not out of any nastiness or maliciousness even if it was handled badly.

carjacker1985 · 06/06/2017 17:12

They handled it badly, but YABU a little bit. You gave the option of cutting their holiday short by a day, they didn't want to do that, the majority won. I am in a friendship group of 4, one of whom has kids, we do our best to make allowances for her but if it's looking like something is better for the majority she will always step back and say we should go on without her. Sometimes with group stuff, not everyone can agree on the same dates and times (whatever the reason!)

ShakingAndShocked · 06/06/2017 17:14

I think you're over-reacting. Sorry but I too would have wanted to get the absolute max out of my few days away, why should ALL of them lose out on what is essentially a full day of holiday in sun to accommodate you? ESP. when you sacked off the other option too. On what planet would that be fair?

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 06/06/2017 17:18

Why should they all compromise when you won't? Maybe they just wanted a few days away relaxing without all the drama. Either you really wanted to go and would join them later or you didn't so they booked anyway.

monkeywithacowface · 06/06/2017 17:19

I can see why you feel left out BUT you didn't want to do the 1am flight and they don't want to do the 5pm flight. Not sure why they should lose a day because you don't like the alternative.

It sucks but tbh I'd resent paying for a 4 day break only to lose most of one day of it.

kaytee87 · 06/06/2017 17:27

I'd be hurt too op Flowers

Have you any other friends you can go somewhere with?

amicissimma · 06/06/2017 17:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

flumpybear · 06/06/2017 17:28

Put it down to experience - didn't work this time, perhaps next time you look for a holiday and ask the others if they can come around your time suggestions

Fwiw I think even the first day arriving st 11am seems like some time in the sun, arriving st 5pm means no sun that first day so a waste IMO For such a short break

DarkDarkNight · 06/06/2017 17:42

Sorry but I think YABU. The original date makes more sense, I would always choose a holiday that maximised my time there. Arriving at 11am means you get that day, arriving at 5pm means by the time you get in from the airport you have pretty much lost that day and won't be going out for the night.

Yes your lives are in different places and it's a shame you don't have childcare for the dates, but just because they don't have children doesn't mean they don't have other restrictions on their time.

ItWentInMyEye · 06/06/2017 17:57

I understand you're upset but I think yabu, sorry. It seems they offered two holidays which you said no to but expected them all to agree to the one option you were wanting.

SheSaidHeSaid · 06/06/2017 18:00

I think YABU.

I wouldn't want to lose another day on an already short holiday plus they offered an alternative solution which you didn't want to do.

I'm in the 'don't have kids' camp, I make an effort to change plans or plan things around my friends and their kids because I get that they aren't as flexible as I can be, I wonder if your friends are like this too and are a little miffed that yet again they're having to change plans around for you when you don't seem to want to compromise.

Littlemissdemeanour · 06/06/2017 18:00

YANBU and I really feel for you having just gone through a similar thing myself, although for different reasons. I've not been able to get over the fact I'm second best ...

Osolea · 06/06/2017 18:01

It's not just the time you'd get there that would be worse, the return date sounds like it would be better on a weekend rather than mid week too.

I know it's always going to feel personal, but really, there are lots of reasons why the date they're going will be better overall, it's not as simple as going for the day that everyone can do. It's understandable that people want it to be the best it can be when they're going to be spending a few hundred. Try your best to wish them a good trip and move on to looking forward to the next time.

caffeinestream · 06/06/2017 18:10

I sympathise, but your option means losing a quarter of the holiday! Landing at 5pm means not getting to the hotel until about 8pm once you've landed, collected luggage and transferred, and by the time you check in, shower and eat it's too late to do much except sleep.

No way would I go in those circumstances, it's a massive waste of both time and money.

Charley50 · 06/06/2017 18:24

I'm in the YABU camp. Don't take it personally; it could have been anyone of you who missed out in that situation, as the holiday is the priority.

pandarific · 06/06/2017 18:30

I think it sucks, but your friend has a big point about effectively missing a whole day of the holiday - for a longer break it wouldn't have mattered so much. A/L is so precious!

humblesims · 06/06/2017 18:36

they haven't done it to be mean, just that our lives are in different places and we can't always do everything together.
^this^

MaryShelley1818 · 06/06/2017 18:37

I understand why you're upset about not being able to go however I really think it's down to your childcare and not your friends.
I wouldn't expect my friends to miss a full day of a 4-day trip just on account of my childcare problems, surely you can understand why they wouldn't want to do that?

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