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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Being left out of girls holiday

138 replies

mummy2oneandtwo · 06/06/2017 14:07

There are 3 of us in one of my friendship groups, we've been friends since Uni and have always gotten on so well, been abroad together a couple of times, always great fun.

Recently another holiday came up, my 2 friends are single, I am married with toddler twins, so I have to consider childcare, but still more than up for a few days away in the sun.

The dates initially suggested I couldn't do as I couldn't get childcare for those dates, so I suggested the exact same holiday, but flying out a few days earlier. The flight on the original date arrived at 11am, the flight on the alternative date got us in at 5pm. Other than that, everything stayed the same, 4 nights away, all inclusive.

Everyone could do the alternative date, brilliant. Then one friend changed her mind, saying it wasn't worth a 4 hour flight for only 3 full days of sun, and she would only go on the 11am flight so that she got nearly 4 full days.

So much back and forth went on, but in the end, they have booked the dates I can't do. They go tomorrow and I feel so hurt. We met last week to talk it through and the one friend was very defensive and said she is sure it makes her selfish, but she want's longer in the sun, and basically said I was making a fuss that they were going without me, as they haven't done it to be mean, just that our lives are in different places and we can't always do everything together. Confused

Sometimes we do things in a pair; a concert, cinema etc... but a girls holiday, I think you make sure it includes everyone.

My point was that when there was a date we could all do, you pick that one so that everyone can go. If I couldn't of made any date, or couldn't of left the children, then obviously go without me, but to actively push and then book the date I can't do....just feels mean....all for an extra 6 hours away.

AIBU to be hurt by this?

OP posts:
runningintothelight · 06/06/2017 18:39

Let's hope their flight was delayed until 5pm lol

Lindy2 · 06/06/2017 18:44

I think it just shows that your lives are in different places right now. If I was single and child free I wouldn't really want my 4 day break shortened to 3 days because of someone else's childcare issues.
Also though if I was a mum of twins in a steady relationship I wouldn't want to holiday with a group of single friends.

shaggedthruahedgebackwards · 06/06/2017 18:45

I can see this from both points of view tbh and although I think it's understandable you feel left out, I also sympathise with your friends sticking to the dates/flights that suit them best

A 5pm flight means you basically waste a day when you could be on holiday which is a significant chunk of a 4 day trip

JoWithABow · 06/06/2017 19:11

Having seen your update about being able to catch a flight that gets there at 1am I don't see why you don't do this? Is there a better reason than 'I just don't want to'?
And now you've explained the days better - surely it's a better holiday if it's at the end of the week rather than the beginning of it, for going out in the evening etc, more lively and things going on.

Original poster
mummy2oneandtwo · 07/06/2017 09:01

Thank you to everyone and sorry for the late reply, twins kept me busy last night and now at a work conference....so much better than being on holiday Grin

The price difference was around £20 each to do the dates I could do, so nothing major. And with regards to the 1am flight, maybe I was being stubborn, but I really didn't see why I should fly out at that time, on my own, for 2 days. To me the whole fun is pre drinks at the airport, flying together, the whole thing is the holiday and time together.

I do understand getting in later in the day isn't ideal, but I do think they chose an extra 6 hours on holiday over me being there.

Also, they aren't wild party girls looking for mad ones out on the town, we are all very similar and me having children hasn't changed how we are when we are all together.

Thanks again, it's nice to know people can see why I'm hurt x

OP posts:
Original poster
mummy2oneandtwo · 07/06/2017 09:08

Oh and their flight took off on time....damn it Wink

OP posts:
Waltermittythesequel · 07/06/2017 09:09

But you expected them to work around you, and you weren't willing to compromise on what you wanted.

So, you didn't want to fly alone, you didn't want them going ahead, you didn't want them going for the cheaper option, you didn't want them going earlier so they have the whole weekend to chill at home before going back to work...

I don't think they're the U ones!

Underthemoonlight · 07/06/2017 09:21

After your update your even more unreasonable you wanted them to go at a time it wasn't convient for them. You expected them to miss out on 6 hours holiday time and pay more for the privilege. If the holiday was important to you, you would have joined them later at for the 1am flight. It was 4days and you wanted to cut there holiday short. You still don't get it. No wonder they got frustrated with you and decided to go with the majority.

caffeinestream · 07/06/2017 09:27

It wasn't just an extra six hours holiday time, though. It's not wasting most of a day sitting around waiting to get to the airport, waiting for a flight when you know you could already be by the pool sipping cocktails in the sunshine.

Later flights are also more likely to be delayed, and by the time you get to your hotel, check in, shower etc., you've missed the first day of your holiday. At least if you land at lunchtime, you're at your hotel by 2/3pm and you've got the rest of the day and evening to enjoy yourself.

Sorry OP, I know you're upset but I think you need to see it from their view. If you only have a four day break, you want to maximise the time at your destination, not spend most of the first day waiting around for your flight.

monkeywithacowface · 07/06/2017 09:29

So really you just want everything your way to suit you? Gosh can't think why your friends aren't too bothered about you not joining them Hmm

You cut off your nose to spite your face because you didn't see why you should compromise and now they're enjoying a break away and you're bitching about it here at home. How'd that work out for you?

amusedbush · 07/06/2017 09:32

Thanks again, it's nice to know people can see why I'm hurt x

The vast majority of people think that you're unreasonable...

Whathaveilost · 07/06/2017 10:37

To be honest, after reading your latest posts, if you were in my friendship group I would be dropping you, and it's not because you have kids!

You have wanted everything your own way. It's not like it's a night out on the town and you've said meet up at 8.00pm Iinstead 6.00pm because you can't get child care,. You are expecting them to miss a good few hours of their holiday just because of you.
You do have options but you wouldn't compromise.
I've said in an earlier post something like this happens a lot when we go to my friend's apartment for break. Someone may have to come along the following day due to their childcare or work. No one mopes or feels hurt. We just catch up and have a good time and make the most.

As for this comment from someone Let's hope their flight was delayed until 5pm lol. How fucking pathetic!
It's like listening to a load of teenagers who can't do anything without being in a pack.
Sure you don't all go to the toilet at the same time when you're in a bar?

Mumsnut · 07/06/2017 10:48

Bet the Saturday flight out will be delayed though. Mid-week always smoother.

charliethebear · 07/06/2017 11:05

I still think after that update yanbu. When you plan a holiday with friends you plan at a time when you can all do, if one friend cant do a time then that time is simply not an option. A night out, meal out ect. Is different but a holiday is something you make sure everyone can come on.
I have one close friend with Dc and for something like this I am always happy to arrange around her childcare, maybe because we are still young and I know how hard she has found it, but also because I like her and if I am planning a holiday with her I actually want to go on holiday with her.
Its really dickish to leave a friend out like that. Could you not have all found another set of alternative dates that worked for everyone?

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 07/06/2017 11:07

I think after the update yabu.

There was another option and you didn't like it. Well that's tough luck really.

Whathaveilost · 07/06/2017 12:41

. When you plan a holiday with friends you plan at a time when you can all do, if one friend cant do a time then that time is simply not an option. A night out, meal out ect. Is different but a holiday is something you make sure everyone can come on

Not necessarily true. Sometimes everyone can't make everything, even holidays. Really not a problem.Over the years I've missed out on stuff, I've gone on events that not everyone can make, I've joined people on holiday a day after the main group arrived and I've also been one of the first there. Yet, despite this all 10 of us have remained friends for nearly 20 years without taking the huff. During that time some have had babies, others have had kids that have grown up and one is ttc yet no resentments if some of the group go on holiday without the others.
Funny that!

charliethebear · 07/06/2017 12:50

WhathaveIlost there's only 3 people involved here though, if there was only 3 of you in the friendship group would you really not make sure to choose a date everyone could come? I can see how if theres 10 people then finding a date everyone can do would be hard and people will not come etc. But for 3?

Underthemoonlight · 07/06/2017 12:57

Why should two people have to lose out so op gets her own way and not that costs them more.

Whathaveilost · 07/06/2017 13:01

We don't travel as a big group all the time! Sometimes only one other person goes, sometimes maybe 2 more. It's an apartment my mate has not a hotel.
I missed out going to Krakow last year with my friends because the 3 ( I would have been the fourth person) wanted to go Monday to Saturday. I was working on Saturday and somebody had already booked leave so I couldnt go and the flight was significantly more expensive to come on the Friday. I didn't get hurt. I liked the photos on FB!

Seriously back to the post. It's a short break, why would you want to lose a significant chunk of it when you don't have to. If the OP doesn't want to fly out and catch up she should just say, have a nice one, I'll be ready for the next one.
I'm sure there will be more holidays so I don't see why it's a biggie to miss out on this one without being hurt. It just comes across as teenage like.

user1487941567 · 07/06/2017 13:04

I was in exactly this position except it was pre kids. We arranged a holiday, were all going to book it, then one Saturday I called friend A and asked if she was around to go out. She said no, I am with friend B booking the holiday! Nice! Friend A is adamant that Friend B told her I didn't want to go, and I ni longer see that friend but I am totally with you on this one. It's not nice behaviour at all. Flowers

Itsjustaphase2016 · 07/06/2017 13:08

Sooo selfish!! This girl sounds like such a loser! She is willing to hurt your feelings and fragment the group for 6 hours of lying around in the sun?! Urgh.
Is she a Peter Pan type, determined to still be 21,getting wasted and getting laid,despite the fact that she's actually 30?

nina2b · 07/06/2017 13:10

OP, I think it can't always be a case of them having to accommodate your childcare needs! If they are often in the position of having to work around them, maybe they are putting themselves first, on this occasion. I can completely understand their point of view.

nina2b · 07/06/2017 13:16

Today 13:08 Itsjustaphase2016

Sooo selfish!! This girl sounds like such a loser!

How unfair. She is a winner as far as most people are concerned because she is free to make free choices.

Underthemoonlight · 07/06/2017 13:24

Itsjustaphrase Why are they selfish they have no ties and are entitled to go away on holiday regardless of age. Op wanted the SHORT holiday catered to her and was unable
Or unwilling to met half way. Her friends haven't done anything wrong.

Spice22 · 07/06/2017 13:36

I hope it rains whilst their there OP Wink They sound incredibly selfish and tbh I'd question my friendship with the one that pushed for the 11am flight. It sounds like she's a frenemy and insisted on this just to get to you. Don't show her that it hurt you - just do something equally fun, maybe go on a spa break and brag about how relaxing and pampering it was?