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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Being left out of girls holiday

138 replies

mummy2oneandtwo · 06/06/2017 14:07

There are 3 of us in one of my friendship groups, we've been friends since Uni and have always gotten on so well, been abroad together a couple of times, always great fun.

Recently another holiday came up, my 2 friends are single, I am married with toddler twins, so I have to consider childcare, but still more than up for a few days away in the sun.

The dates initially suggested I couldn't do as I couldn't get childcare for those dates, so I suggested the exact same holiday, but flying out a few days earlier. The flight on the original date arrived at 11am, the flight on the alternative date got us in at 5pm. Other than that, everything stayed the same, 4 nights away, all inclusive.

Everyone could do the alternative date, brilliant. Then one friend changed her mind, saying it wasn't worth a 4 hour flight for only 3 full days of sun, and she would only go on the 11am flight so that she got nearly 4 full days.

So much back and forth went on, but in the end, they have booked the dates I can't do. They go tomorrow and I feel so hurt. We met last week to talk it through and the one friend was very defensive and said she is sure it makes her selfish, but she want's longer in the sun, and basically said I was making a fuss that they were going without me, as they haven't done it to be mean, just that our lives are in different places and we can't always do everything together. Confused

Sometimes we do things in a pair; a concert, cinema etc... but a girls holiday, I think you make sure it includes everyone.

My point was that when there was a date we could all do, you pick that one so that everyone can go. If I couldn't of made any date, or couldn't of left the children, then obviously go without me, but to actively push and then book the date I can't do....just feels mean....all for an extra 6 hours away.

AIBU to be hurt by this?

OP posts:
statetrooperstacey · 06/06/2017 14:37

Sorry different dates, I see now.

gillybeanz · 06/06/2017 14:38

The fact is they are child free so able to be more flexible, that isn't their fault.
Maybe it's time to find friends you have more in common with, it's unusual to be friends with friends from school or uni when you are older.

I always told my dc when they had problems with friendship groups, don't worry as you won't know them once you're grown up and on with your own life.

Laiste · 06/06/2017 14:38

Ah ok yes, different flight times = different weeks.

But still, i think loosing a chunk of one of only 4 days is a big deal.

dailygrowl · 06/06/2017 14:39

I think the issue here is whether it was reasonable for someone to change her mind after agreeing on the alternative date and then persuade someone else to change to the longer holiday with different dates too. This is why people often end up being closer friends to other mums when they have kids - it's not because you're being clique-y but that other mums will understand about not being able to get childcare versus having longer holidays.. If it's any consolation, if and when your two friends have the first baby / babies, they will come crawling back to you begging for your help. YANBU, but you gotta let it go. If they had gone on the alternative date and sulked all through the trip because it was too short, that would have been more miserable for you. Perhaps start planning a different holiday, with other companions!

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/06/2017 14:40

They are at a different stage in their lives. And if you want to continue to be friends with them, you will have to accept that. It sounds that she was pissed off that you expected them to waste a day because of flight times. There will be other holidays.

viques · 06/06/2017 14:40

I understand that you are hurt but I can understand your friends reasoning. a flight arriving at 5.00 means that by the time you arrive at the hotel it will be getting on for 7.00 so the evening well under way, time for dinner, a few drinks then that's more or less it for your first day.whereas an 11.00 arrival means you get to the hotel at 1.00, have a bit of lunch, a sunbathe, a swim, a walk around the area, a shower, get ready, go out for dinner , a few drinks and really feel as though you are on holiday.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 06/06/2017 14:42

Unluckily for you, to her the extra sunshine hours outweighed the pleasure of your company. Yanbu to feel hurt and excluded, "making a fuss" indeed.
It looks as if the bit she said about lives being in different places is true with these two I'm afraid, I don't know if the other friend felt the same and was too kind to say?

livefornaps · 06/06/2017 14:44

It sounds like your mate is fed up.of you and just wants a footloose and fancy free singles holiday with maximum sun and no regard for anyone else.

Send them photos of you drinking cocktails in your backyard, smiling & waving with "wish you were here" captions. Have your husband serve you & fan you and write "cor, this all-inclusive was a REALLY GOOD DEAL. So glad I got an extra six hours of it!!". Might as well put their backs up a bit, eh? Wink

ThatsWotSheSaid · 06/06/2017 14:45

Do they want to go and shag a load of randoms without your judgement? Either that or they are just not that into you and don't care showing it.

Whathaveilost · 06/06/2017 14:46

Ive been in a similar situation.
My friend has an aoartment in Spain that a group of us fly to every year.

To be honest I"m with your friend on this one. I think you should join them on the later flight. In theory every one should then be happy. You are all together, you have taken the flights you all want and the holiday can commence. I would be pissed at having a days annual leave and not arriving until late when i could have been there 6 hours earlier.

Original poster
mummy2oneandtwo · 06/06/2017 14:49

It was a 4 day holiday either way, leaving on a Saturday and arriving at 5pm, or a Wednesday arriving at 11am.

There was a flight out on the Thursday night which got in at 1am Friday, but I didn't want to do that.

I don't think having children makes any difference to the type of holiday, it's a chill out in the sun, cocktails and relax. I mentioned they were single as obviously they are a little more flexible on times, when I have to consider childcare, which never impacts on our plans at other times.

The person who also was pushing for the extra few hours also has 2 other holidays this year, so it isn't her only chance for sun.

They have promised it's not been done to be mean or to leave me out, but it's how I feel Sad

OP posts:
Whathaveilost · 06/06/2017 14:49

Could you have flown out separately OP? Wouldn't that have solved it?
Of course it would but there's always a bit of drama , hurt and angst on MN eithout looking for solutions first!

Laiste · 06/06/2017 14:50

I don't think it's any of the extremes. I'm sure she's NOT fed up because you're married and she's not, or values sunshine more than your friendship, or wants to shag everyone in sight without you around.

It's most likely to be she wants max time in the sun. Perhaps with a bit of a singles holiday vibe thrown in.

Don't take it all too personally.

Original poster
mummy2oneandtwo · 06/06/2017 14:52

Also, I do understand the appeal of getting in at 11am, it is always better to get there and enjoy the day, but just not at the expense of a friend not being able to come, as time together is also the motivation to go away I think?

OP posts:
Allegorygirl · 06/06/2017 14:54

That's why it might not just be about the extra hours but other issues too

EssentialHummus · 06/06/2017 14:55

I'd have taken this personally - so my friendship isn't worth more to you than 6 hours in Puerto del Wherever?

Let them get on with it, and see how the three of you get along once they're back. If you start to get a "Oh, you wouldn't want to join us at the wine bar, it's a school night" vibe, maybe pull back from the friendship.

I completely understand how you feel.

MondayTuesdayWednesday · 06/06/2017 14:55

You said that could have went on the later flight to join them but you didn't want to. That was your choice.

Coddiwomple · 06/06/2017 14:55

There was a flight out on the Thursday night which got in at 1am Friday, but I didn't want to do that.

why not? If it means going to the airport after work, you don't lose a day holiday either. The problem with group holidays is that not everybody will want the same thing.

livefornaps · 06/06/2017 14:56

Their explanation: looooool!!! "Not leave you out"?!!! Well, you're the one staying at home, how else are you meant to feel? Was it going to be your only holiday this year? Have a cocktail night with your husband. Theme: club tropicana. Could you get childcare for just one night in the next couple days so at least you get a little treat? I hope you have a nice husband...to be honest these friends sound a little bit crap & may only be clinging together 'cos they're lonely. And I say this as a single! Anyway, ramp up the heating, throw on a kaftan, have a drink with an umbrella, put on some cheessey tunes and guaranteed that'll make you feel bette . I actually feel like doing the same now! And don't forget the ridiculous photos to send to your mates' whatsapp group (or equivalent)

Xmasbaby11 · 06/06/2017 14:57

I understand you're hurt. They weren't that bothered about you going, that's the long and short of it. I'd like to think it would get better, but the childcare issue is always there, unless your DH works very flexible hours. It's a shame they wouldn't compromise. Maybe stick to days / nights out for now.

CalmShambala · 06/06/2017 14:58

I can see why this looks selfish and mean. However before I had DC I remember being annoyed at a few of our friends who wanted to join in nights out, weekends away etc. but it always ended up being arranged around childcare and what they could and couldn't do. If you don't have DC yourself, having your flexibility taken away can be quite irritating.

I am sorry for you but can see where they are coming from too.

MintyChops · 06/06/2017 14:58

It doesn't matter whether they are saying they didn't intend it to be hurtful, the fact is you have been left out and that IS hurtful. The "friend" who pushed for the flight you couldn't do WAS being selfish but isn't prepared to own it. I'd be upset too.

amusedbush · 06/06/2017 14:58

The person who also was pushing for the extra few hours also has 2 other holidays this year, so it isn't her only chance for sun.

Yes but was there a financial difference? I once paid a decent amount of money to go Barcelona for a "four day" break, i.e. landing at 7pm on the Thursday and flying home at 11am on the Sunday. Totally not worth the money we paid.

Writerwannabe83 · 06/06/2017 15:00

If he flight gets in at 5pm on the Saturday, when do you fly back to the UK.....the following Wednesday evening meaning your 4 days holiday is all of Sunday, Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday? Or is the Saturday you've spent travelling actually included in the 4 days?

There's a big difference between flights that land at 11am and 5pm but if the travel day isn't included in the four days then I can understand your point OP, but if the travel day is included in the four days then I can see why your friends wouldn't want to choose the option that best suits you.

Either way though, YANBU to feel upset, I would be too but if yet only get limited annual leave a year from total then they're going to want to use it as effectively as they can.

pasturesgreen · 06/06/2017 15:00

They haven't done it to be mean, just that our lives are in different places and we can't always do everything together

There's no denying that your lives are in different places at the moment.

You couldn't do week A, arriving at 11am. They were unwilling to compromise on week B, arriving at 5pm. It's not just six hours, it means losing almost a whole day out of four, so a pretty big deal. No one was being unreasonable in my opinion.