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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Being left out of girls holiday

138 replies

mummy2oneandtwo · 06/06/2017 14:07

There are 3 of us in one of my friendship groups, we've been friends since Uni and have always gotten on so well, been abroad together a couple of times, always great fun.

Recently another holiday came up, my 2 friends are single, I am married with toddler twins, so I have to consider childcare, but still more than up for a few days away in the sun.

The dates initially suggested I couldn't do as I couldn't get childcare for those dates, so I suggested the exact same holiday, but flying out a few days earlier. The flight on the original date arrived at 11am, the flight on the alternative date got us in at 5pm. Other than that, everything stayed the same, 4 nights away, all inclusive.

Everyone could do the alternative date, brilliant. Then one friend changed her mind, saying it wasn't worth a 4 hour flight for only 3 full days of sun, and she would only go on the 11am flight so that she got nearly 4 full days.

So much back and forth went on, but in the end, they have booked the dates I can't do. They go tomorrow and I feel so hurt. We met last week to talk it through and the one friend was very defensive and said she is sure it makes her selfish, but she want's longer in the sun, and basically said I was making a fuss that they were going without me, as they haven't done it to be mean, just that our lives are in different places and we can't always do everything together.

Sometimes we do things in a pair; a concert, cinema etc... but a girls holiday, I think you make sure it includes everyone.

My point was that when there was a date we could all do, you pick that one so that everyone can go. If I couldn't of made any date, or couldn't of left the children, then obviously go without me, but to actively push and then book the date I can't do....just feels mean....all for an extra 6 hours away.

AIBU to be hurt by this?

OP posts:

jamrock · 06/06/2017 15:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChinaRose · 06/06/2017 15:08

I personally would go for the better flight times - getting in at 5pm on what is already a short trip seems a bit pointless.

Whathaveilost · 06/06/2017 15:09

I'd have taken this personally - so my friendship isn't worth more to you than 6 hours in Puerto del Wherever?

Its not only about friendship though is it?
In this scenario thete is a bit if flexibility with the timings so everyone can be happy. One mate gets longer in the sun and Op glies out at her convenience. Wheres the problem? Its excayly the samecas my friendship group at the apartment but we dont have a herd mentality where we have ti get the same flights othereise we are hurt. Some resilliance is needed.

Over the years i have gained and lost out over glight times as have my friends. Big deal.

chocatoo · 06/06/2017 15:15

I can see both sides. They might have felt a bit irritated about having to accommodate your child care issues and on such a short break those few hours would make a big difference. I think you probably have to regard it as one of those things and move on.

They know that you feel hurt, it will be interesting to see what happens next.

Whathaveilost · 06/06/2017 15:22

Oh my goodness. Sorry about the typos. Previously I was using my phone without wearing my glasses!

QueenofallIsee · 06/06/2017 15:24

OP, you wanted to spend time with them but they mainly wanted a piss up. Maybe you are not as good friends with them as you think but also you ARE wanting them to prioritise your wants over theirs aren't you? Lots of child free people eye roll over family stuff and just don't get how awkward it can be to juggle everything

TiredMumToTwo · 06/06/2017 15:25

YANBU - I would have found a more mutual solution to make sure all parties can be included.

pinkdelight · 06/06/2017 15:26

It was a 4 day holiday either way, leaving on a Saturday and arriving at 5pm, or a Wednesday arriving at 11am.

Ah, now the slot they've chosen seems even more appealing. In your slot, you only just get there for Sat night and then have Sun, Mon, Tues. In the slot they've gone for, they get there middle of Weds and then have Thurs, Fri, Sat - the more fun end of the week for going out and having fun. You mightn't be able to see it from their POV right now, but you do have different priorities and that's fine. No one's right or wrong, but it is their holiday and they don't want to compromise because of childcare when they aren't at that stage yet. I don't think it's worth losing a friendship over. TBH I can't think of many married mums with toddlers who still go on girly holidays with single mates, let alone mums with twins. YANBU to feel upset that you can't go, but you've got other consolations and should try to not to make a big deal out of it if poss.

Lookforthelight · 06/06/2017 15:32

The thing is that they will want completely different holidays to you, OP. You're married with twins; they are single. It's so different - can't you see that?

Why is it? You know nothing about these women.

You're just thinking a single woman and a married woman couldn't possibly want the same holiday based on presumption.

nocampinghere · 06/06/2017 15:38

why couldn't you go on the landing at 11am time?

SinglePringle · 06/06/2017 15:39

Is this correct:

They're getting a flight that gets in 11am on the Weds. You can't do that and wanted them to get a flight that got in at 5pm (a week earlier). They're not keen as it means missing a day in the sun on a short, 4 day break.

You could have compromised by getting the flight that lands at 1am on the Thursday (thus missing a day, as you wish they would) but 'don't want to do that'.

You are hurt they won't change plans but there IS a compromise (the 1am flight). Seems you've cut your nose off to spite your face (as well as expecting 3 people to compromise when you - 1 person - won't).

nocampinghere · 06/06/2017 15:41

It was a 4 day holiday either way, leaving on a Saturday and arriving at 5pm, or a Wednesday arriving at 11am.

option 1: spend saturday travelling, arrive at resort in time for drinks sat night. Spend Sunday, monday, tuesday in sun (what time is flight back?)

or
option 2: get up v early wednesday morning, arrive at resort early afternoon. have weds pm in sun, thurs, fri, sat in sun. sunday to recover before returning to work.

sorry OP, option 2 is a no brainer. don't take it personally. you should have made more of an effort to sort your childcare etc...

rolopolovolo · 06/06/2017 15:41

So you just said you could have gone with them but didn't want to take the late flight that got in at 1am? So you're no better than them.

The holiday they picked looks way better and you should have compromised with the later flight.

Maybe they are sick of you using child care to get your own way.

DarkFloodRises · 06/06/2017 15:43

I do understand that you feel hurt and left out.

But it's their holiday, and they wanted to maximise the number of days actual holiday (compared to the number of days taken off work).

I think they were being thoughtless and insensitive but not totally unreasonable.

HouseworkIsASin10 · 06/06/2017 15:43

I can see both sides.

But I wouldn't expect the majority of group to pick the worse option just to fit in with me. If I couldn't make it then I wouldn't want them to lose out.

When me and my (childless/single) friends arranged a holiday we always did it well in advance so I had plenty of time to arrange childcare. We'd usually book the next holiday as soon as we got home from the first.

scampimom · 06/06/2017 15:47

Awh, I do feel for you. I have a few child-free friends who just don't get the difficulty of getting away on certain dates, and I can kinda see how your friend might resent having to arrange themselves to suit your childcare needs. But I don't think they've actually been that unreasonable, and I don't think YABU for feeling hurt.

I can see that the change in dates makes the holiday significantly shorter, but then again what's the point of a girls' holiday with only 3/4 people there.

Reow · 06/06/2017 15:49

Was there no chance of doing the 1am Thursday flight?

Seems either you lose a day doing it their way, or they both lose a day doing it your way.

It's a bugger for you, but I can understand why they chose the 11am flight. It's just one of those situations where it isn't going to work for everyone i'm afraid.

scottishdiem · 06/06/2017 15:50

I can totally see why you think this is unreasonable OP and you do have my sympathies. But you and your friends are in different places. You have children and that places limits on what you can do and when you can do it. Its good that you and your friends can still do a lot together but surely you realise that their aspirations - maximise the time away together in the sun - are different from yours - holiday dependent on childcare.

scottishdiem · 06/06/2017 15:51

PS - you need to nip this in the bud now and commit to future dates all agreed very in advance (6 months or so?). Your kids will soon be in school that will be a whole new level of diary clashes.

TheMysteriousJackelope · 06/06/2017 15:52

YANBU.

I can see both sides and how your friend wanted to maximize her time away, but what she has done is put the value of those additional hours above the value of having you able to join them on holiday.

I'm not sure I'd end the friendship or go off in a huff, but I think it is reasonable to be a bit taken aback.

DarkFloodRises · 06/06/2017 15:52

I think you should have compromised on the 1am flight.

Underthemoonlight · 06/06/2017 15:53

Is this correct:

You could have compromised by getting the flight that lands at 1am on the Thursday (thus missing a day, as you wish they would) but 'don't want to do that'.

Yabu you wanted the holiday to be catered round you yet the majority of the others voted with their feet. I'm sure I wouldn't want to cut my four day holiday short for one person. You could have caught the 1am flight to join them and choose not to do so but expect them to lose out on holiday time. The only person being unreasonable in the scenario is yourself, it wouldn't have been as bad had the holiday been 7 days not 4days including travel.

DoggieDilemmaNC · 06/06/2017 16:02

On the face of it it seems very mean of them.

But on the other hand, they offered you a compromise (get a flight Thurs evening that gets in 1am) and you turned that down, so in effect you said no to 2 plans, making you very inflexible.

It's fine that childcare is an issue, but it seems they did try to work around it a little, and you didn't quite so much, so they decided to go on the dates that suited the majority.

It's OK to feel a little hurt that they didn't want your company enough to compromise on the 5pm flight, but you are coming at it from different places, different priorities as they have said.

For you: Balancing childcare with time away with friends. A few days off will be brilliant - cocktails, sun, time away from twins and the daily grind. 3 days or 4, what's the difference, it's still a great break from motherhood...

For singles: An extra day in the sun! We're missing out, and it's a really short trip anyway, and we've tried to make it work but it's a quarter of the time we're losing, and surely she will see it's just not a great compromise when we've booked the time off? Let's make the most of it and have the full 4 days...

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 06/06/2017 16:05

The compromise 1am flight - what day would that have had you coming home? Sunday or Monday? If that option had given you all the full(er) 4 days, why didn't you want to go for that? (You said you "didn't want to" rather than "couldn't").

Your friends can't be the only ones expected to make compromises can they?

My other thought is whether you have maybe - totally inadvertently - become a bit of a baby bore? Meaning your company is a little less vital to them at the moment.....

clumsyduck · 06/06/2017 16:05

Well lots hope the flight isn't delayed and then ditching there mate will have been for nothing

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