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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm probably being unreasonable

108 replies

Imbeingunreasonable · 06/06/2017 00:30

Dp went to a funeral today, a lifelong family friend. The funeral was in another town. He said he would be stopping over. All was well.

The unreasonable part is I feel utterly rejected. I didn't know the deceased so I wasn't ever going to go plus I have two young children and had work today.

Dp promised me he would call me today to let me know how he was and to make sure the kids were ok.

I have spent today at work worrying about dp, picked the kids up after work, sorted them out and got them to bed.

Then I waited and waited and waited for dp to call me. He didn't bother. Eventually I sent a text saying hope you're ok. No reply.

I followed it up with the text later on saying I'm off to bed, night.

About an hour ago I get a text saying from him saying good night, love you.

I ring him and asked what happened to calling me today. He is drunk and replies I'm ringing you now. I said no, I've called you. He says oh shit I was supposed to ring you.

Now I'm deeply upset he shouldn't even be bothered to call me. I probably shouldn't be. But I wanted to be there for him as it were and he couldn't even be bothered to let me know how today went nor bother asking how the kids are etc.

If it was roles reversed and I went to a funeral there is only one person I would want to talk about it with and that's him.

I feel rejected 😢 I can't even understand why I feel so emotional about this. I suppose because I know his nature and whenever he is away from me he never bothers to touch base and give me a courtesy call or even a text. We both have work tomorrow and I have to go out tomorrow evening so I won't really see him tomorrow either.

I'm just so fucking hurt. Crying my eyes out right now

OP posts:
CondensedMilkSarnies · 06/06/2017 00:36

If he never bothers to call you or send a courtesy text when he's not with you then this doesn't seem any different. Is he ok as a partner in other ways ? I'm sorry you're so upset but it does seem a bit of an overreaction.

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman · 06/06/2017 00:38

He's been to the funeral of a life long friend, he hasn't been out painting the town red, I can fully understand that he was preoccupied and forgot to call. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you. People don't always act rationally when they are grieving.

Original poster
Imbeingunreasonable · 06/06/2017 00:43

He's ok in other ways, he just doesn't seem to recognise when things are important to me. I knew he'd need to blow off steam, I don't have a problem with that. I just thought he would call. To me it just seems like his usual shit trick of what's important to him at the time is all that matters to him at the time.

It's a common theme in our relationship. Even when I am away from home I will send a courtesy text or call him to ask about the kids, see how he is etc. I feel like I'm low down on his list of priorities and I did say I'd like to see how he is seeing I can't be with him physically. At the same time I've been busy today and didn't want to intrude on today

OP posts:
CondensedMilkSarnies · 06/06/2017 00:47

I'm old ! I don't get the need for constant texting and keeping in touch. If there was anything wrong I'm sure you would here from him. Everyone's different and some people aren't as flies to their phone as others. Do you feel secure with him ? Do you feel that he loves you ?

CondensedMilkSarnies · 06/06/2017 00:48

Flies ? Glued

Original poster
Imbeingunreasonable · 06/06/2017 00:54

That's just it Condensed. I'm not glued to my phone. We don't text or talk on the phone hardly ever unless its do you need anything from the shops or some other mundane thing.

Today was important to him. I get that. But I also made it clear I wanted him to call me so I know he's ok. This was yesterday. He said course I'll call you, I'd want to know how the kids are. Then he forgot. He was fairly pissed on the phone (to be expected really). But I just don't get why he couldn't have called me at all. He knows what time I put the kids to bed. I feel it's a lack of courtesy. As it is a theme in our relationship on his part.

I just couldn't imagine not calling my partner especially after a shit day at a funeral. Is that odd?

OP posts:
MissionItsPossible · 06/06/2017 00:54

You are being completely unreasonable. They were his life long friend and friend of the family and they were grieving and celebrating his life. I'm sure you can handle one night on your own without a text or phone call especially given the circumstances.

Original poster
Imbeingunreasonable · 06/06/2017 00:54

But as my title says I'm being unreasonable. Still doesn't stop me feeling hurt though

OP posts:
29Palms · 06/06/2017 00:57

If it was roles reversed and I went to a funeral there is only one person I would want to talk about it with and that's him

But you didn't know the person who has died. The day was about them, not about you. As you say, it was a lifelong family friend and your husband will have spent the day reminiscing with friends and family. They have lost someone who has been part of their lives forever, and there s usually much to share on such occasions.

Sorry, but you sound very self-absorbed and selfish.

Original poster
Imbeingunreasonable · 06/06/2017 01:01

I know I'm totally emotional. I've been worrying about him non stop all day, he hasn't left my brain. I guess I just wanted to know he was alright.

OP posts:
MissionItsPossible · 06/06/2017 01:03

But as my title says I'm being unreasonable. Still doesn't stop me feeling hurt though

Re: Your first sentence, Yes, you posted asking Am I Being Unreasonable and I told you that yes, yes you were. Re: second sentence: you sound utterly selfish and if this is not a wind up and you truly feel this way then I am no longer engaging on you in this subject at this time because it's worthless

Original poster
Imbeingunreasonable · 06/06/2017 01:06

Thanks mission, I said I was emotional.

OP posts:
MissionItsPossible · 06/06/2017 01:14

you seem to be able to gather your emotions together enough to repeatedly respond on this thread though. As myself and others have suggested, don't drink alcohol, go to bed and with the phone and laptop tablet etc off and way out of reach, if this thread is really real in the first place and if it is then your poor partner with you moaning about yourself and your own feelings when he has just lost a long time family friend how selfish of you. Last post for tonight, goodnight folks x

metspengler · 06/06/2017 01:24

Yanbu, you show every sign of fully empathising with his loss, and knowing that it's not all about you, so if you want to be there for him and feel sad/unsure what to do when that isn't an option, that's understandable in my book.

DH was recently bereaved and kind of cut me out without meaning any harm at all. For a sensitive person who just wants to care for and be close to DH in a difficult time you can feel very lonely and a bit useless and yes sort of rejected without feeling like it's really justified.

Yanbu OP. It's an odd position to be in. Hooe you get to comfort DH soon and you feel better Flowers

Original poster
Imbeingunreasonable · 06/06/2017 01:30

Thanks metspengler. You basically summed up how I feel. I know I'm being unreasonable. Just feel down about it all. It's a shit situation to be in, I feel totally cut out. I know it's not about me. I am a sensitive person naturally, I've wanted to be there for him since he told me about the mans death. Dp is a man of few words, doesn't discuss how he feels about things so I kind of feel pushed away. I'm gonna get slated for even saying this.

I'm sure things will be better tomorrow

OP posts:
toffeeboffin · 06/06/2017 01:37

I'd hate to have a conversation like that on the phone at night with DH, I'd just wait till her got home.

I think you're being a bit OTT tbh.

toffeeboffin · 06/06/2017 01:37

Correction : Till he got home

MidniteScribbler · 06/06/2017 01:39

Do you always make everything about yourself?

Someone has died, family and friends are grieving, and you're upset because they aren't pandering to your neediness. You're a grown adult, you can go a day without a text.

He went to a funeral, not to a war zone. You don't need to be worried about him. You said yourself that he doesn't need or want your support, but you're trying to make it all about how you want to support him, how you want to talk to him, how you want to be there for him. You are forcing your 'support' on him to make yourself feel better about yourself.

haveacupoftea · 06/06/2017 01:40

YANBU but I suspect this is more about you than him. My DP doesn't bother responding to my texts half the time, mostly I don't even notice or care because they're just silly pictures etc and he's at work, but on the rare occasion I'm feeling vulnerable or insecure I'll take it to mean he doesn't love or feel close to me or care about me.

So is there something else bothering you? Is there an old flame at this funeral or does he have form for acting up when he's pissed or anything like that?

honeyrider · 06/06/2017 01:43

I think you're being selfish and turning a very sad situation for your DH into it being all about you

Original poster
Imbeingunreasonable · 06/06/2017 01:46

Jesus Midnight, i get that I'm being unreasonable. Hence the thread title. It'll be fine tomorrow, I'm overreacting and I've stated it. I'm emotional today (highly). No I don't always make everything about me. Very rarely do I make anything about me. I dont go round expecting attention 24/7. I just feel a bit hurt, wanted some place to vent it so I didn't stew on it. And here I get patronising comments from strangers. As said above if you read the comments the PP summed up my feelings for me.

Tomorrow is another day, I will just have to see if he wants to open up or not (not that I'll likely see him much anyway).

OP posts:
Original poster
Imbeingunreasonable · 06/06/2017 01:47

Yes there are other things bothering me but hey ho

OP posts:
Original poster
Imbeingunreasonable · 06/06/2017 01:49

As previously stated we don't text or call each other hardly ever so normally this isn't an issue, it doesn't bother me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Imbeingunreasonable · 06/06/2017 01:51

As for an old flame at the funeral, I wouldn't have thought so. That's not even entered my head.

OP posts:
haveacupoftea · 06/06/2017 01:56

Probably the other things just making this seem a lot worse than it is then. Try not to worry, DH will be fine and you will tooFlowers

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