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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm probably being unreasonable

108 replies

Imbeingunreasonable · 06/06/2017 00:30

Dp went to a funeral today, a lifelong family friend. The funeral was in another town. He said he would be stopping over. All was well.

The unreasonable part is I feel utterly rejected. I didn't know the deceased so I wasn't ever going to go plus I have two young children and had work today.

Dp promised me he would call me today to let me know how he was and to make sure the kids were ok.

I have spent today at work worrying about dp, picked the kids up after work, sorted them out and got them to bed.

Then I waited and waited and waited for dp to call me. He didn't bother. Eventually I sent a text saying hope you're ok. No reply.

I followed it up with the text later on saying I'm off to bed, night.

About an hour ago I get a text saying from him saying good night, love you.

I ring him and asked what happened to calling me today. He is drunk and replies I'm ringing you now. I said no, I've called you. He says oh shit I was supposed to ring you.

Now I'm deeply upset he shouldn't even be bothered to call me. I probably shouldn't be. But I wanted to be there for him as it were and he couldn't even be bothered to let me know how today went nor bother asking how the kids are etc.

If it was roles reversed and I went to a funeral there is only one person I would want to talk about it with and that's him.

I feel rejected 😢 I can't even understand why I feel so emotional about this. I suppose because I know his nature and whenever he is away from me he never bothers to touch base and give me a courtesy call or even a text. We both have work tomorrow and I have to go out tomorrow evening so I won't really see him tomorrow either.

I'm just so fucking hurt. Crying my eyes out right now

OP posts:
Original poster
Imbeingunreasonable · 06/06/2017 07:19

I tend to ask how was your day etc while he has his head buried in his phone on the internet. Every night. Lucky if I get a one word answer. I'm exaggerating but you get the point

OP posts:
erinaceus · 06/06/2017 07:23

I do get the point.

See if he buys into the five headlines thing? It's kind of fun.

I stop talking whilst DH is on his phone, and wait, which seems to make a difference. I try to not use my own phone when we are talking, with medium success.

peachgreen · 06/06/2017 07:24

Goodness, some of these replies are so harsh. I don't think you're being unreasonable OP and I'm not sure why you're getting such a battering. I don't think it's unreasonable to expect a simple text from your DH just to say that he arrived safe, the service was hard but he's with friends and okay etc etc. I don't think you should be angry with him given what he's going through but I do think you have every right to calmly explain when he gets home that you want to support him but it was important to you to hear from him. I find some people here have really low expectations of their partners when it comes to contact during times of separation and that's fine when it works for both people, but it doesn't work for others and it's ridiculous to call you selfish just because you wanted to know your DH was okay!

HeteronormativeHaybales · 06/06/2017 07:25

I don't understand why you were worried about him. Emotionally? For his safety? That's the bit I find jarring about this and which I think is increasing your tendency to make it about you - almost as if you were saying 'I've been worrying about you, you must consider me by getting in touch'. It's a bit - sorry - like the dynamic between a mother and a teen or young adult child.

I'm the first to lambast my dh for not getting in touch when he could have the reasonable supposition that I might be worried - e.g. significantly late back home. But in a scenario like this it wouldn't occur to me to be worried, or that he should anticipate me being so.

MissionItsPossible · 06/06/2017 07:26

I am rereading my comments and my gosh, quite harsh and unfeeling. I stand by the general meaning of my responses but not the way I executed them.

I also got confused between two threads and thought I was replying to the one who was moaning but drinking alcohol at the same time so was feeling this 'woe is me' attitude was not helping when you were deliberately downing vodka at the same time BlushFlowers

Original poster
Imbeingunreasonable · 06/06/2017 07:28

Thanks peach. I think it wouldn't have bothered me if he'd have just said in the first place he wouldn't contact me. But he promised he would.

To be fair that was my own fault in the first place. I went in to worry mode and said 'make sure you call me at some point' to which he replied of course I will, I'd want to know how the kids are etc.

Aibu can make you feel like a purveyor of all crimes. Even when you plead guilty to said crime some posters still bay for blood after the point 🤔

I'm actually laughing at the headlines thing. I wouldn't even know how to bring that up in conversation let alone get dp on board. Sounds ace though

OP posts:
Original poster
Imbeingunreasonable · 06/06/2017 07:30

Haha Mission, I found you commented on another thread about vodka and I wondered if the alcohol thing was about me (there I go again being all self-absorbed Wink)

OP posts:
RestlessTravellerTheSequel · 06/06/2017 07:39

What worries me about your post is that your emotional stability seems to depend entirely on him behaving in the way you want him to. As your partnerI would find this really suffocating.

Original poster
Imbeingunreasonable · 06/06/2017 07:42

It probably does come across like that. I'm not emotionally dependant on him I'm just an emotional person by nature, always have been. And as someone upthread suggested I don't always feel secure with him for various reasons which I won't go in to. They are valid reasons but we've been working through it

OP posts:
erinaceus · 06/06/2017 07:45

I can't remember how it came up. I think it was from the angle of my DH having to listen to other people all day in his role at his work, and to come home only to have to listen to me was not great for him. Thus, my quotient got cut back to five headlines.

You could just ask him to try it? There is something similar on the Radio 4 program iPM called My News (I think?) where a celebrity reads single-sentence headlines sent in by the audience. Those once can be jarring Sad

I think I read the suggestion online somewhere where solutions to communication problems between a couple were being discussed.

Roussette · 06/06/2017 07:48

I do wonder why you are so emotional when it is your DH who has lost a friend. Different people grieve in different ways and you really must allow him that. Even though you have wanted to be there for him since he heard about this, being there means judging the situation and backing off if that's what the grieving person wants. I just hope you won't give him a hard time when he comes home because that is not being there for someone.

Original poster
Imbeingunreasonable · 06/06/2017 07:54

Don't worry I won't mention how I feel at all. I won't see him til late on anyway and like I said in previous post if he wants to open up about it I'll be there, if not then fine. Hope that's not taken in the wrong way as someone upthread suggested

OP posts:
TheMonkeyAndThePlywoodViolin · 06/06/2017 07:54

I think posting in AIBU for support is not the best idea

Original poster
Imbeingunreasonable · 06/06/2017 07:56

Maybe not monkey but I needed someone to give my head a wobble for me. Forget how brutal it can be in here sometimes Grin

OP posts:
RestlessTravellerTheSequel · 06/06/2017 07:58

If he had given you reason to feel insecure in the past then in my opinion you either need to (pardon the expression) shit or get off the pot. By that you either need to leave him or get over it. You can't go through life feeling insecure and punishing him for what he has or hasn't done.

Imamouseduh · 06/06/2017 08:00

YABU. Today isn't about you.

Original poster
Imbeingunreasonable · 06/06/2017 08:07

I won't leave him, it was a while ago now and I'm mostly over it. Still have fragments of insecurity which is understandable really. I don't think he'll cheat or anything like that

OP posts:
Original poster
Imbeingunreasonable · 06/06/2017 08:07

Ps I love the phrase shit or get of the pot. Reminds me of a film I love

OP posts:
cheeeekyavocado · 06/06/2017 08:12

You certainly are being completely and utterly unreasonable.

Why all the worrying?

He went to a funeral, you knew where, you knew it meant a hotel stay, you knew he would have a drink and be with old friends.

Stop making it all about you. Someone died.

tigerdriverII · 06/06/2017 08:15

You sounded really distressed. If you commonly react like that to what was a sad situation for your DP, where there are no real rules of correct behaviour, but was a non-situation for you, I think you need counselling frankly.

Flowers
Justdontgetitatall · 06/06/2017 08:15

Way too harsh Mission. Bang out of order.

I totally get you OP. You wanted to be there for him. You're not being selfish or unreasonable. You're his partner. And funeral or not, he is still a parent and hasn't even contacted home to see how his own kids are???

Original poster
Imbeingunreasonable · 06/06/2017 08:18

Yup I know avocado

OP posts:
UsefulEustace · 06/06/2017 08:26

YANBU, the facts as you have given them seem to be H 'forgot' to let you know he was ok, and was pissed when you spoke to him that evening. IIWM I would not have been happy either - that has nothing to do with a funeral and much more about being in a relationship where the other person has acted stupidly.

If H has any sense once he is sober he will apologise for letting you worry unnecessarily.

3luckystars · 06/06/2017 09:08

Can you pinpoint why you were so worried?
Is it very unusual for him to be away?

Roussette · 06/06/2017 09:11

If someone is going to a funeral of a best/good friend, do they honestly have to check if the kids are alright when obviously they will be because they are with their Mum. That is ridiculous.

Give him space.