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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm probably being unreasonable

108 replies

Imbeingunreasonable · 06/06/2017 00:30

Dp went to a funeral today, a lifelong family friend. The funeral was in another town. He said he would be stopping over. All was well.

The unreasonable part is I feel utterly rejected. I didn't know the deceased so I wasn't ever going to go plus I have two young children and had work today.

Dp promised me he would call me today to let me know how he was and to make sure the kids were ok.

I have spent today at work worrying about dp, picked the kids up after work, sorted them out and got them to bed.

Then I waited and waited and waited for dp to call me. He didn't bother. Eventually I sent a text saying hope you're ok. No reply.

I followed it up with the text later on saying I'm off to bed, night.

About an hour ago I get a text saying from him saying good night, love you.

I ring him and asked what happened to calling me today. He is drunk and replies I'm ringing you now. I said no, I've called you. He says oh shit I was supposed to ring you.

Now I'm deeply upset he shouldn't even be bothered to call me. I probably shouldn't be. But I wanted to be there for him as it were and he couldn't even be bothered to let me know how today went nor bother asking how the kids are etc.

If it was roles reversed and I went to a funeral there is only one person I would want to talk about it with and that's him.

I feel rejected 😢 I can't even understand why I feel so emotional about this. I suppose because I know his nature and whenever he is away from me he never bothers to touch base and give me a courtesy call or even a text. We both have work tomorrow and I have to go out tomorrow evening so I won't really see him tomorrow either.

I'm just so fucking hurt. Crying my eyes out right now

OP posts:
Allthebestnamesareused · 06/06/2017 09:44

Have you ever been to a funeral?

It is easy to get caught up chatting to old friends and it can become quite a "party" reminiscing over good times and it is probable that time just got away from him.

Also I think women are more literal with the "call me" thing. I ask my husband to call me sometimes and can be a bit pissed off when he doesn't especially if he knows he is going to be late and doesn't forewarn me.

He is in London today and I have asked him to keep in touch although I am very much of the opinion - life should carry on as normal after recent events.

Is it possibly that which is worrying you?

29Palms · 06/06/2017 09:50

He has nothing to apologise for.

Original poster
Imbeingunreasonable · 06/06/2017 09:52

No he didn't contact to ask about me or the kids though he said he would. For those who have not read properly HE said HE would call just to ask how the kids are. It didn't happen. Yes he's grieving but he is still a parent. I don't need counselling. I just thought it was common courtesy to let your partner know how you are. Sadly common courtesy is lacking these days

OP posts:
Original poster
Imbeingunreasonable · 06/06/2017 09:56

Funny also how when I lost somebody last year he wasn't there for me.

A few years earlier one of my best friends from school died. I attended her funeral with my eldest child in tow as I had no one to look after him. He was a baby at the time.
I then went home after the ceremony and continued my parenting duties. I also made a point of calling dp up after the funeral just to let him know how I was. Is it that flaming wrong that I expected a phone call?

OP posts:
Nancy91 · 06/06/2017 10:03

Sometimes I say I'll call my partner and I'm too busy or I forget. I think you're trying to make the situation about you.

Why make someone who is grieving feel even worse? You should be the person that is the most supportive of him.

Original poster
Imbeingunreasonable · 06/06/2017 10:06

I probably am Nancy hence i state I'm being unreasonable. Unresolved issues in the relationship I guess.

OP posts:
erinaceus · 06/06/2017 10:07

I just thought it was common courtesy to let your partner know how you are.

I don't think this is a matter of common courtesy. I think that this depends on the couple.

Nancy91 · 06/06/2017 10:09

Try to let those issues go for now and resolve them when his loss is less raw. Hope you and him feel better soon Flowers

Original poster
Imbeingunreasonable · 06/06/2017 10:10

He's not gonna get in bother when he comes home or anything. He doesn't even know I was upset. I was having a tired emotional day yesterday. Mostly down to not knowing how he is.

I think my anxieties stem from a lack of communication between me and dp.

OP posts:
pinksippycupp · 06/06/2017 10:13

Why do you need to know how he is?!

He is an adult and he went to an event that you knew all the details for.

I just don't understand the fixation with knowing how he is. Ask him all about it when he gets home?

A forgotten phone call isn't the end of the world. Yeah he said he would call, time ran away with him, he had a drink, forgot, not great but not worth all this fuss.

MissionItsPossible · 06/06/2017 10:13

Way too harsh Mission. Bang out of order.

I did explain to the OP that last night I got two concurrent threads mixed up and thought they were downing alcohol (or pretending to, IMO) but at the same time managing to speedily respond to people's replies which is why I thought it was a fake thread.

LetsSplashMummy · 06/06/2017 10:17

I think if you are this upset when someone doesn't behave exactly as you would or think they should, you are going to have a very miserable life. You need to stop projecting and start accepting your DH as he is. Mine isn't much of a phoner (his poor mum) but it isn't a personal slant. The same applies to friendships, do you apply lots of your rules and "common courtesy" opinions to your friends - it could be a problem of yours that leaves you lonely. I don't think these are relationship issues as much as they are your issues. It is normal to react when someone does something badly wrong, but not to react like this when someone doesn't behave exactly "right."

I'm sure he knows you are there if he wants to talk about it but if you want to be supportive that means taking his lead, not forcing him to have the kind of conversations you imagine wanting if roles were reversed.

Original poster
Imbeingunreasonable · 06/06/2017 10:20

I'm not trying to force him to do anything

OP posts:
RestlessTravellerTheSequel · 06/06/2017 10:57

This is the issue though, you may not be trying to force him, but you have become extremely upset that he hasn't behaved in the way you wish.

Think about how you would feel if he asked you to behave in a certain way and then became this upset when you didn't. It's controlling.

erinaceus · 06/06/2017 11:10

I think my anxieties stem from a lack of communication between me and dp.

They might or might not stem from there, but either way, it sounds as if communication between you and your DP is not working for you. It could be helpful for you as a couple to communicate about communicating

But yeah, maybe not today, so close to the funeral. It's not the time really.

Original poster
Imbeingunreasonable · 06/06/2017 12:16

Thanks erinaceus. I wouldn't bring it up today or probably at all. I have communicated about communication in the past. Falls on deaf ears. He simply put, doesn't understand. I don't need to be texted all the time or anything like that. Just little things like he never lets me know where he is working, what time he will be home and it's a pain for practical reasons. More often than not our days don't conflict so there's no need for us to be texting each other day to day if that makes sense.

OP posts:
Original poster
Imbeingunreasonable · 06/06/2017 12:17

Anyways thanks for the replies, I know I was being unreasonable but needed a sounding board. I'm off this thread so thanks

OP posts:
faithinthesound · 06/06/2017 20:16

I don't understand this.
OP: AIBU?
Everyone else: Yes.
OP: You're all being so mean, I'm just emotional!

I agree with everyone who says you're being quite selfish and making your husband's grief about you (though I don't agree with anyone who was horrible in the way they were saying it). I could count up the number of times you wrote I or me in your OP and subsequent comments, but I have to go to work at some point.

You know where he is and what he's doing. I think you need to get on with your own life in the meantime, instead of fixating on the phone. He said he'd call, and he didn't - but you said, you quite often don't text each other. Him not calling is therefore by your own admission not out of the ordinary, even if the funeral is. And all that aside, give the man a little space to breathe! He's just lost his lifelong friend! He, his! Not you! Not you, you, you!

Bottom line is, there's very little less attractive than someone whose entire being revolves around another person and who has nothing to say for themselves that doesn't involve that other person.

faithinthesound · 06/06/2017 20:22

Goshdarn timezones.

Shootfirstaskquestionslater · 06/06/2017 20:30

Think you need to get a massive grip so what he didn't get in touch it's not the end of the world he was at a funeral YABMU and very selfish your trying to make someone else's funeral all about you. Your a grown woman I think you can go one day without a text message or a phone call.

AnnieLouJ67 · 06/06/2017 20:56

Your post makes a lot of sense to me. I think I may know why you feel so hurt. It seems to me that you are disappointed by your expectations. You expected him to call and he didn't, therefore you are disappointed, Of course you'll feel hurt. I do hope you are starting to feel better.

Mysteriouscurle · 06/06/2017 21:08

Going to go against the grain and say that since she was expected to take over and be there for their children so he could go and get pissed mourn, if he said he would phone, its not unreasonable to expect a quick phone call to say everything went ok and im fine, dont have much time to chat as im having a catch up with friendsbut see you when I get home or something along those lines

Original poster
Imbeingunreasonable · 07/06/2017 10:21

Faithinthesound - I didn't say everyone was being mean, I was actually backing up why I feel I was being unreasonable (which I was being) and that's because I was feeling emotional. Please don't put words in my mouth.

Yeah I expected a phone call or a text. I would have done the same in said same circumstance but different strokes for different folks.

Update: I spoke to him when I got home from work last night. Asked how it went, how he was, how his brothers and parents were etc. He said he was sorry about not calling, time flew by and he was pissed so he just forgot. I just said no worries,I just like to know how you are (didn't tell him I was upset over it). So all is fine. He seems ok but then he did get a really early night last night as he had to be up 5am for work today.

OP posts:
erinaceus · 07/06/2017 13:23

didn't tell him I was upset over it

At some stage it might be helpful if you let him know that you were upset over it.

Blobby10 · 07/06/2017 14:07

imbeingunreasonable please do let your DP know how you feel. My now ExH was just the same and I spent many years feeling the same as you do. We eventually drifted apart but I do wonder whether we would have still been together if we had had those conversations rather than me just ignoring the issues

There does seem to be a bit of Mars and Venus here but both parties need to understand the others point of view and have a bit of give and take.