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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm probably being unreasonable

108 replies

Imbeingunreasonable · 06/06/2017 00:30

Dp went to a funeral today, a lifelong family friend. The funeral was in another town. He said he would be stopping over. All was well.

The unreasonable part is I feel utterly rejected. I didn't know the deceased so I wasn't ever going to go plus I have two young children and had work today.

Dp promised me he would call me today to let me know how he was and to make sure the kids were ok.

I have spent today at work worrying about dp, picked the kids up after work, sorted them out and got them to bed.

Then I waited and waited and waited for dp to call me. He didn't bother. Eventually I sent a text saying hope you're ok. No reply.

I followed it up with the text later on saying I'm off to bed, night.

About an hour ago I get a text saying from him saying good night, love you.

I ring him and asked what happened to calling me today. He is drunk and replies I'm ringing you now. I said no, I've called you. He says oh shit I was supposed to ring you.

Now I'm deeply upset he shouldn't even be bothered to call me. I probably shouldn't be. But I wanted to be there for him as it were and he couldn't even be bothered to let me know how today went nor bother asking how the kids are etc.

If it was roles reversed and I went to a funeral there is only one person I would want to talk about it with and that's him.

I feel rejected 😢 I can't even understand why I feel so emotional about this. I suppose because I know his nature and whenever he is away from me he never bothers to touch base and give me a courtesy call or even a text. We both have work tomorrow and I have to go out tomorrow evening so I won't really see him tomorrow either.

I'm just so fucking hurt. Crying my eyes out right now

OP posts:
38cody · 06/06/2017 02:09

FFs - YABU - and a bit pathetic.
He's met up with old buddies and had a drink and didn't realise that you would be sitting by the "phone - waiting!!! Are you a teen bride or something? Just weird.

3luckystars · 06/06/2017 02:15

My husbands friend died and he went off to the funeral and hardly spoke to me for days.
You would expect this except that his friend was my actually my friend first and I knew him years longer!! My husband forgot this and everything else because he was so upset and so was I that all sense went out the window.
I felt very lonely though because while he was at the funeral, I had to mind the children, I had just found out I was pregnant and was bawling my eyes out most of that night.
So I kindof understand why you are upset!
Did you just think your husband needs support and you wanted to give it to him. Well you are, you are minding the children while he goes to the funeral, that's supporting him. He may not break down and start crying with the Home and Away piano music in the background until a later date.

It's just a sad time and there's no right or wrong way to react. I hope he gets home soon and you put it behind you.

lalalalyra · 06/06/2017 02:15

Maybe he didn't want to speak to you, or even speak to anyone.

People grieve in different ways and he's entitled to grieve in his way. If that's to spend time with friends and get drunk that should be just as fine as if he wanted to spend 8 hours on the phone to you.

It's not a reflection on you or your relationship or anything, he's just dealing with something in the way he wants too.

If I was at a hard funeral away from my DH he'd be the last person I phoned because hearing his voice would just amplify the feeling of not having him there...

kali110 · 06/06/2017 02:27

If he'd gone out with his friend or just down the pub then i'd say yanbu, but he's gone to a funeral.
You're right, you're probably not on his list of priorities today.
He's grieving with his friends&family and calling you wasn't on his mind.
Maybe you would call him if roles were reversed, but you are not him.
I don't get why you're hurt in this instance?
He hasn't gone for a dalliance with mates and just forgot you, he's saying goodbye to someone he loves.
He may not have even wanted to speak to you, or maybe he's just been busy with people from the funeral all day.
I hope he's ok, losing someone is not nice whatever your age.
If he's good in other areas then just forget it, he hasn't done anything wrong, just let him grieve in his way.

sailawaywithme · 06/06/2017 03:42

I've with MidnightScribbler. Good lord you sound high maintenance. Let the man grieve and be with his people while he does so.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 06/06/2017 05:16

Tomorrow is another day, I will just have to see if he wants to open up or not (not that I'll likely see him much anyway).

Fair play for admitting you are UR but whether he wants to open up or not is up to him. You sound like you are trying to make it about you..

You expected a text

You phoned him

You are feeling neglected

You are going to see if he wants to open up

Let him grieve in his own way. How would you feel if the situations were reversed?

I don't know what the other issues are but without any context, you aren't coming across well tbh

AdalindSchade · 06/06/2017 05:23

Why were you thinking about him all day? It really sounds like you want his grief to focus on you. You want him to 'open up' to you and call you after despite knowing that's not how he does things. Maybe he didn't want to talk last night? Maybe he doesn't feel that talking to you or anyone will make him feel better?
I know you said you were unreasonable but your responses after have indicated that you don't really think you are. Well you are. You're making a situation that is not about you all about your hurt feelings. Stop.

TheMonkeyAndThePlywoodViolin · 06/06/2017 05:39

I can get same feelings but they are indeed down to your own insecurity.
Maybe some counselling would help you feel better and be better for your relationship?

WateryTart · 06/06/2017 05:45

There is no probably, OP. You are being VU. He was saying goodbye to a lifelong friend yet you've made it about you.

Chloe84 · 06/06/2017 05:45

He's ok in other ways, he just doesn't seem to recognise when things are important to me.

But what about things that are important him? Perhaps he just wanted a day to remember his friend with others that knew him/her.

In the absence of other information that shows him to be uncaring, I have to say, you are unreasonable and controlling.

TheMonkeyAndThePlywoodViolin · 06/06/2017 05:47

So do you never have selfish inner thoughts which you know are wrong?

OP sounds really low to me.
Flowers for OP. But go easy on DH

Mummmy2017 · 06/06/2017 06:18

You have admitted this is normal for your husband, he doesn't do touching bases all the time, because not's not how his mind works,
He probably won't want to talk about it and do the emotional stuff about his friend dying ever, but I am sure if it had been you calling and texting him, it would have made you feel better, as you probably have BF's you can talk to.

I am glad you know your BU, and yeah just let it all out here so you can be calmer from having shared the thoughts circling your brain. Maybe get him a few beers and a nice tea, and no I am not asking you do the little woman thing, just be his mate and be there if he needs you,,,,

flumpybear · 06/06/2017 06:29

Yesterday was about the funeral and a lifelong friend, not about you - step back and let him grieve - support him, he shouldn't have to take time out in such an awful day to mollycoddle you

Expat38matt · 06/06/2017 06:45

This is not a normal day. He checked in with you so you wouldn't worry
He's probably drowning his sorrows and has got very pissed in a maudlin way as I've been after a friends funeral.
What else do you want or expect ? Can't he have one day when you're not first priority? I'd think a friend dying was a free pass for that.
Give him a break

sweetbitter · 06/06/2017 06:46

I think if you're the one who wants to check in with each other more when apart then you should initiate it. You could have just sent him a text rather than waiting and worrying about his lack of text for so long. Take the pressure and stress out of it and accept you need more contact than he does, and you should initiate it. Then all he has to do is reply, rather than remembering to send something when it doesn't come naturally to him to do so.

sweetbitter · 06/06/2017 06:47

Apologies I see upon rereading you sent two texts before he replied. I think if it's a funeral you should let that go, bit going forward you wouldn't be U to say you'd like him to reply at least once a day to keep you from worrying or feeling cut off from him.

Original poster
Imbeingunreasonable · 06/06/2017 06:51

Thanks for replies, and yes sweet bitter. Like I said I'm not normally bothered about the lack of contact we have as we're both generally busy so neither has the time. I feel better after some sleep. Was having a meltdown yesterday.

OP posts:
Nancy91 · 06/06/2017 06:52

Let him grieve. If you are feeling emotional, imagine how he feels after losing a lifelong friend. YABU

Original poster
Imbeingunreasonable · 06/06/2017 06:53

I think it doesn't help that he generally tells me bugger all day to day Blush I think the funeral just amplified it.

OP posts:
erinaceus · 06/06/2017 07:03

It just seems like his usual shit trick of what's important to him at the time is all that matters to him at the time.

This is not a shit trick. This is how most people operate. They have different priorities at different times.

I do not understand the courtesy text thing either. In our relationship DH and I do not do this. The difference isn't that our way is better, the difference is that we have the same set of expectations about keeping in contact with each other.

Original poster
Imbeingunreasonable · 06/06/2017 07:05

I wasn't referring to contact when I said that. Other things in general

OP posts:
erinaceus · 06/06/2017 07:06

I think it doesn't help that he generally tells me bugger all day to day.

Do you ask? Do you listen to what he answers? DH and I used to do the "five headlines" trick, where we each give five headlines from our days. This works well for us because I tend to witter for ages about my stuff and DH does not talk much; it balances things out.

However this is not a communication strategy to introduce on the day of a funeral. To do so would be poor form, IMO.

Original poster
Imbeingunreasonable · 06/06/2017 07:10

Course I always ask and I always listen. Ffs I'm a human, it'd be unreasonable if I didn't ask about his day nor listen about it. That's a good tip though about the headlines thing

OP posts:
erinaceus · 06/06/2017 07:13

I wasn't referring to contact when I said that. Other things in general

I don't think that it matters. I still think most people prioritise. I still don't think it's a shit trick, that what is important to someone at the time is what's important to them at the time.

erinaceus · 06/06/2017 07:16

We liked the headlines thing. It worked for us in part because it's so ridiculous and we share the same sense of humour. One can construct relatively surreal sequences of headlines on the quieter days, as you can possibly imagine.

The asking - talking - listening part did not come so naturally to us. I tend to talk all over DH. Hence the headlines thing. It's getting better now.