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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is DH too overprotective of DD (14)?

419 replies

suri80 · 03/06/2017 21:15

Eldest DD (14) has currently barricaded herself into her room because DH will not allow her to go to a "hang out" at her friend's house. The friend is a boy from her school who we don't really know and apparently his parents are away. I tried to compromise by suggesting to DH he could collect her at 10pm if he was worried, but it turned into a huge argument between him and DD and now he won't allow her to go at all. He says it's because this boy has an older brother and no doubt there will be older boys there, alcohol and probably drugs Confused He says he trusts DD, but she is too young for all this. Now he has stormed off to help his brother with something.
AIBU to think she could have gone for a while and DH is being over the top here? Or is 14 too young as he says? I'm not sure what to think anymore.

OP posts:
cowgirlsareforever · 04/06/2017 16:37

Of care.

Zoflorabore · 04/06/2017 16:38

My ds is 14 as I mentioned earlier and has
Told me that none of his close friends have ever even kissed a girl, let alone anything else.
Am so glad we have such a good open and honest relationship and he trusts me, has recently opened up about how much he likes a female friend, i know even though he looks like a young man he's very much not ready for a girlfriend type relationship, it's all quite innocent.

There are many teens who aren't all drinking/smoking/taking drugs and having sex.
It's sad that they are often portrayed in this light by the media.

Italiangreyhound · 04/06/2017 16:41

Said friend who was sleeping with boys quite young invited me on a trip with her boyfriend and his friend. She (and presumably he) had assumed I would be sleeping with him.

I had no idea.

Luckily, I found out what was planned and backed out of the trip.

Sometimes it is not a case of trusting them it is not trusting their friends.

Another factor is that sometimes young people may not want to do a potentially risky activity.

It must be much cooler to be able to say "My dumb-ass stupid parents won't let me go to the all-night-camping-in-a-field-no-toilets-minimal-food-camping-trip-rave!"

While secretly breathing the words to themselves, "Thank you, dumb-ass stupid parents."

polarolo · 04/06/2017 16:43

cowgirls, have you even read my posts? I'm saying give her more freedom and experiences Confused

But I also hate the "teenage boys are never a problem, all the ones I know are Top Notch" attitude. You wouldn't know what they're like with their peers in private, and pretending there are no potential issues there is as bad as assuming there are always are.

Italiangreyhound · 04/06/2017 16:44

cowgirlsareforever "So your duty if care towards your teenage dd means keeping her away from teenage boys *Italianhreyhound?"

No, it is not, what would give you that impression?

She goes to a mix-sex school and always has done so. She has male and female friends, she goes to mixed-sex club activities at the weekends.

She would not be going to a house at night with no parents and with boys her age and potentially boys two years older than her.

BertrandRussell · 04/06/2017 16:44

"I can assure I am not a macho man father"

I can assure you that you are.

waterrat · 04/06/2017 16:45

cant face reading the full thread - but OP - seriously your husband is being very unfair. These are her school friends socialising together - they are getting to an age now where they will avoid adult supervision even if an adult is nearby they won't be under their eyesight.

the rowing is the most normal activity I've heard of - I'd let a younger child do that. If she can't do that - what on earth can she do?

And - he simply can't tell her that she can't date until she is 17 - is he serious??!

cowgirlsareforever · 04/06/2017 16:46

Yes I have read your posts polarolo Confused

polarolo · 04/06/2017 16:46

"Try continually slamming your door which is only done when mum tells you off but not dad. Rude and not acceptable despite being told over and over again."

Wow. I was thinking you were dealing with secret drug abuse or something. Bad tempers shouldn't mean a loss of a bedroom door! That's a failure all around right there.

Italiangreyhound · 04/06/2017 16:47

cowgirlsareforever Did you read the links?

"MPs pointed to research that found nearly a third of 16- to 18-year-old girls said they had experienced unwanted sexual touching at school and most girls and young women had faced some form of sexual harassment at school or college.

Who do you think was doing most of that unwanted sexual touching and sexual harassment?

Pretending there is no problem with teenage boys is simply sticking one's head in the sand.

"It heard the "slapping of bums and flicking [lifting up] of skirts" was common while one teacher told how they had had "many young girls sobbing and humiliated in my office because partially naked images have gone viral"."

yeah, no problem there!

Italiangreyhound · 04/06/2017 16:50

"Girlguiding's advocate panel, a group of 14- to 25-year-olds who represent the movement's young members, said: "As young women, many of us are still in school and experience or witness sexual harassment from groping to cat calling on a daily basis."

I've never worked anywhere where I saw sexual harassment on a monthly or weekly, let alone a daily basis!

polarolo · 04/06/2017 16:51

But I've agreed they need to experience things and learn. I don't get your arsey responses to me.

Italiangreyhound · 04/06/2017 16:51

So I think it is safe to say teenage boys could be a problem, as could other teenage girls. So as a parent of a teen or pre-teen one tries to manage as 'safe' a risk as possible. It does not mean any of us want to demonize teenage boys!

babykite · 04/06/2017 16:56

I would let her go and would let my 14 y.o go

AfroBrown · 04/06/2017 16:56

@Bertrand you need to stop putting your life ideologies and labels on people you don't know. Unless you do know me, do you, oh no you don't.

My love for my daughter is my love and as a joint parent my sole purpose is to try and protect my child.

A fathers love for his daughter is something you cannot comment on. But as I am a man it has tk be macho. Typical

cowgirlsareforever · 04/06/2017 17:01

I looked at the links too Confused
I still believe that the majority of teenage boys are decent Italiangreyhound.

BertrandRussell · 04/06/2017 17:03

"But as I am a man it has tk be macho. Typical"

It's not because you are a man.

polarolo · 04/06/2017 17:05

"A fathers love for his daughter is something you cannot comment on."

... nah, that's not how it works. Would fathers not be allowed to comment on a mother's parenting if it was troubling then?

And as women with dads of our own do you really think we have no insight into troublesome father-daughter dynamics?

But that's a derail from the OP.

AfroBrown · 04/06/2017 17:08

@Polarolo consistent bad tempers need to be punished hence the door. My daughter is young so it was a lesson to help her understand that bad actions have consequences.

In days gone by a parent would probably smack their child but I have a firm belief that a father should never hit his daughter as it may have connotations later on in life. I hope by not smacking it shows my daughter that no man should ever hit a female, the door was the next best thing 😀

MaQueen · 04/06/2017 17:12

Nothing wrong with being a 'macho' father, from time to time.

I think this protectiveness is just very instinctive in many men. I know I would be very grateful for DH to flex his macho instincts, if for example, our DDs were ever in physical danger.

The protectiveness just needs tempering to the situation in hand. It's far preferable to err on the side of being slightly over protective, than to err on the side of just throwing caution to the wind...

AfroBrown · 04/06/2017 17:15

@polarolo yes he could but only for their child. I was called a macho father by a women which is rather sexist because my parenting is different to theirs.

The only women parenting where my opinion counts is with my own child

Original poster
suri80 · 04/06/2017 17:16

I would say that DH would never barge his way into DD's room, let alone take the door of the hinges! He's very respectful of her privacy and he very rarely raises his voice at home either. He's not a bully, but he does presume to have the final say in matters such as this and how do you deal with that? He's very reasonable about most other things.

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 04/06/2017 17:17

"I have a firm belief that a father should never hit his daughter"

Oh good.

BertrandRussell · 04/06/2017 17:19

" he does presume to have the final say in matters such as this"

Can I ask what other matters he presumes to have the final say in?

C8H10N4O2 · 04/06/2017 17:23

My love for my daughter is my love and as a joint parent my sole purpose is to try and protect my child.

And this love equates to assuming that as you were lying and duplicitous at 14 she will be as well?

Removing a door is removing all privacy. It may not leave a bruise but its just as stripping of all dignity. You talk about punishment and discipline but where is the fostering of mutual trust and respect? Without some mutual respect you will push her toward lying to you and potentially putting herself at risk and she will find a way. Do you have sons equally treated this way? The girls I was at school with who went badly off the rails all had fathers who thought they could control them and to whom they could not then call for help when in trouble. They also made bad choices because they had never been trusted in the smaller decisions (like going supervised to a classmates house with friends for a couple of hours late afternoon).

What it boiled down to in reality was their fathers obsessing over their potential sexual activity. Curiously they were also the ones who ended up being sexually active earlier and coming a cropper over it.

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