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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask him not to come home

122 replies

pinkcardi · 03/06/2017 13:08

Long story short, DH has been flirting with another women. A young former employee of his business. He's done it for a while over WhatsApp and email but I've let it slide (I don't know why)

Last night I saw some more messages. Blowing her kisses, saying she was the only women for him. No doubt he'll dismiss it as just 'banter' and everyone does it etc. This was whilst I was putting the kids to bed.

Makes me feel sick. I've had enough.

He's out today at a sporting event (or boozing with colleagues) AIBU in texting him to say that I know all about it and that he's not to come home tonight? I'd ideally like to ask him to keep away until Tuesday when I've had some time to think.

Is this OTT? I'd pack him a bag and leave it for him so he wasn't entirely stuck.

Help, I don't know if I'm being unfair in asking him to keep away (we've got two young DCs)

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 03/06/2017 13:09

I would. That is an awful way to behave.

ImperialBlether · 03/06/2017 13:10

Not OTT at all! You've been incredibly patient and I don't think that was the best response, tbh.

I don't think I'd tell him in advance. Does he have somewhere to go to if he arrived home? If so (eg his mum) then I'd let him have a nice surprise when he got home. Otherwise I think he'd make the most of staying out and stay with another woman.

redannie118 · 03/06/2017 13:10

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns, and so we've agreed to take this down now.

PaperdollCartoon · 03/06/2017 13:11

He's been a total twat. You'd be totally within your rights to do this.

Original poster
pinkcardi · 03/06/2017 13:15

Thank you. I feel so alone. Can't tell anyone.

Ok, I will text him in a few hours and pack his bag.

He will have some mates who will lend him a bed, but won't be sober enough to drive anywhere like his mums. I guess he'll have to tell his mates that we've had a falling out.

I want to give him a large shock and sign that I'm not a push over. He'll have absolutely no idea what's coming.

So you think it's ok to say Tuesday?

OP posts:
VimFuego101 · 03/06/2017 13:17

If it were me, I'd tell him not to come back at all. But of course YANBU.

WhooooAmI24601 · 03/06/2017 13:18

I don't think you should set a date for him to return. It just show him he'll have to do a few days in the doghouse and then carry on as before. Leave it open ended, tell him you need time to think through his shitty behaviour and let him stew on the fact that it's absolutely not ok to treat you that way. Rude fucker, I can't believe he'd dismiss it as 'banter' (which is a word only arseholes use to dismiss their shitty behaviour). I'm so cross on your behalf.

AsMuchUseAsAMarzipanDildo · 03/06/2017 13:20

Of course it's not unreasonable. He's been an arsehole. You don't have to take this. You deserve better. Is there anyone you can confide in to get some moral support? If not, keep posting here for some hand holding x

Juanbablo · 03/06/2017 13:21

It's definitely not ok for him to behave like that and you should let him know. You don't have to put up with it.

ohfourfoxache · 03/06/2017 13:24

Why tell him until Tuesday? Kick the fucker out permanently

ballerinabelle · 03/06/2017 13:25

He is a knob.

Is it wise to do this when he's drunk? Would he turn up home spoiling for an argument?

Could it wait until everyone is sober and then tell him to go (dont set a return date)

Xx

ImperialBlether · 03/06/2017 13:29

If you tell him he can come back on Tuesday, he'll have a little holiday away from home and then come back and apologise.

Tell him it's over. You can decide later whether you want him back. (You might not want to.)

PeaFaceMcgee · 03/06/2017 13:30

An emotional affair is just as much a betrayal in my book. We'd be separating permanently if this was me. After several months down the line, if we both wanted to see if there was anything salvageable, we could do counselling, but still not moving in again until all is resolved. Or divorce if no going back.

Forgettheworld · 03/06/2017 13:31

What does she say back to him on these texts? Is it one sided by him? Definitely kick
him out but don't say until when make him
sweat a bit.

PeaFaceMcgee · 03/06/2017 13:32

Telling him 'until Tues' lets him know that you'll forgive him / it's ok / he's just been a bit of a naughty boy.

It doesn't have the shock factor.

Original poster
pinkcardi · 03/06/2017 13:32

I guess I'm hesitating as it's just flirting (maybe a snog but I don't think more as it would be obvious from the messages), and because I only found out as I was snooping (which I do because I don't trust him, quite rightly as it turns out)

Ok, so new plan (thank you!) is open ended request to leave me alone don't come back and we will talk when I'm ready.

He's trying to get me to give up work and move us all to the countryside. Knobber. He wants the 'perfect' life and his bit on the side too. Agh. Bastard.

I'm not worried about his turning up drunk. He'll be mortified and won't cause a fuss. Plus I will keep the key in the lock and chain on the door.

OP posts:
Original poster
pinkcardi · 03/06/2017 13:35

She's got a bit of a habit of sleeping with guys from the office, 3 out of 9 guys I think. To be fair it's mostly him perusing her, he signs off with kisses etc, she never does that

OP posts:
Notfabulousatfourty · 03/06/2017 13:36

Good for you OP. What a sleaze ☹️. Telling another woman she is the only woman for him when he has a wife and kids at home- its the lowest of the low. So obvious he would be more than happy to be shagging her if given half a chance. Move on and done look back.

MissingPanda · 03/06/2017 13:37

YANBU

I second the pp who said leave it open ended. Take the time you need to decide if you want to stay with such a disrepectful arsehole. If he tries to pass it off as banter then point out it isn't it is in fact disrespectful to you and your relationship. Ask him how he would like it if you behaved in the same way. Somehow I suspect he wouldn't be pleased.

Notfabulousatfourty · 03/06/2017 13:38

What her sexual habits are Re irrelavant really, and if the 3/9 men are free and single well its not immoral is it. But now your Husband fancies having a go by the sounds of it.

pringlecat · 03/06/2017 13:40

To clarify, this has been going on for a while... but did you know about it? Did you discuss it? If you're not OK with your DH flirting with other woman and have told him that's unacceptable in your relationship, I understand kicking him out. But if you haven't previously had that conversation and/or you've been seen to silently condone it (by being aware and him being aware you're aware and you not telling him to stop), kicking him out does seem a little bit U.

A married former colleague of mine with 2 young DC (I don't think he's at a sporting event today!) does flirt with me all the time. We both see it as harmless banter because we've drawn our line and we would never step over it. He loves his DW and their 2 DC dearly (he's always wanted to be a hands-on dad) and we have completely different life goals. The only reason why he does feel able to flirt with me is because it is a definite fact that nothing will ever happen.

I've known him longer than his DW and we therefore know we're not compatible. We've worked that out over the years. We're very happy being friends and having that banter - I can vouch that he would never try to even snog me because underneath all the chat, he is devoted to his young family.

DameDeDoubtance · 03/06/2017 13:42

This isn't about her, this is about him. If he has done this once he will do it again, and again.

MusicToMyEars800 · 03/06/2017 13:46

YADNBU!! I would do the same. Sorry he is such a scumbag! I can never understand why men do this sort of shit, if they want that sort of life why be In a relationship....?

Original poster
pinkcardi · 03/06/2017 13:51

I've known for a while but said nothing. That's why I wonder if I'm being OTT.

He did it with someone else before we were married (I know, I know) and I called him out on it then. He apologised etc etc, it was nothing etc, many tears.

And a few years ago I suggested that we have a break as I didn't think we were getting on (I had pnd) and he was absolutely blindsided. We didn't in the end as a family member died suddenly and somehow I just moved on

OP posts:
Original poster
pinkcardi · 03/06/2017 13:52

Yes, her habits are entirely up to her and I didn't mean to imply blame. Sorry. She's actually a nice girl. He's the one in the wrong, not her

OP posts:
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