To ask him not to come home

[pinkcardi]

Long story short, DH has been flirting with another women. A young former employee of his business. He's done it for a while over WhatsApp and email but I've let it slide (I don't know why)

Last night I saw some more messages. Blowing her kisses, saying she was the only women for him. No doubt he'll dismiss it as just 'banter' and everyone does it etc. This was whilst I was putting the kids to bed.

Makes me feel sick. I've had enough.

He's out today at a sporting event (or boozing with colleagues) AIBU in texting him to say that I know all about it and that he's not to come home tonight? I'd ideally like to ask him to keep away until Tuesday when I've had some time to think.

Is this OTT? I'd pack him a bag and leave it for him so he wasn't entirely stuck.

Help, I don't know if I'm being unfair in asking him to keep away (we've got two young DCs)

YANBU my ex was messing around and u saw the messages, I gave him a couple of days to sort his stuff out and move out but he did nothing so on the Friday when he was out drinking with his buddies or maybe with the woman he'd been texting I changed the locks, he got home st 2am and found he couldn't get in, he tried to kick the door in so I called the police and they made him leave. Job done 👍🏻

If my dh told someone else SHE was the only woman for him, even if she was firmly in his 'friend zone', I would be devastated.

Yeah, it is ridiculous to claim that it is "just banter".

It's not like he just complimented her looks or something. He literally said that his wife doesn't exist for him.

Words mean things.

Sorry your going though this OP x

You ladies are amazing. Crying on the sofa reading your messages. I never thought that this would be me.

He was shocked, and then upset that I accused him of cheating (which I hadn't incidentally) and then apologised for flirting, said it wasn't appropriate and that he believes in our marriage and loves me. All in very quick succession.

I haven't said a word since the original message. Curtains drawn, phone unplugged, door cannot be opened from outside.

On one of his messages to her he said that the babies had 'robbed' him of his chance to go out last night. How fucking awful is that. Our beautiful, precious girls, how can he say that??

He sounds like a dick.

Sorry pringlecat but your first post and your subsequent post are exceedingly arrogant to me. What do you think your role is in their marriage then? Some kind of road-block or do you see yourself as a sort of harmless 'fluffer'?

This isn't friendship that you have, however you're trying to present it. It's lop-sided for a start. He is engaging in flirting with you to the detriment of his family. He may have made it perfectly clear that it's only flirting with you (and maybe it is) but that doesn't mean that he wouldn't take it further with somebody he fancied more. It's a bit cringey to read the 'pleasure' in your tone actually.

Flirting can be harmless but not like this. He's being disrespectful but so are you and you should own that. Saying that your 'just friends' is disingenuous, you're both getting some 'thrill' out of this and it doesn't sound very nice.

I've been an OW and, for all that you protest, you sound a bit languid about it all and that grates.

He misses his single life. Well this gives him a chance to see exactly how great that is.

If the woman is sensible, she knows what an enormous arsehole he is.

Quite frankly, he has all but moved himself out. He's indicated that he'd like to be free of you and his children, so I don't think you should feel any guilt about asking him to stay away.

Of course, it could all be arsehole willy waving, but it's still deeply hurtful to you and your children. If he can see this, and really does try to change how he feels/thinks about all of you, then you can potentially move on from this. After all, once his kids are older, would he tell them directly that they robbed him of nights out? Would he say to you that you'e not the right woman? If he wouldn't say something to you, then he shouldn't say it about you. Not even as a joke. If you couldn't sit next to him and overhear the conversation, then the conversation should not be happening.

I think some time out, so that you can process your feelings and decide what you want is very important. And he can have a cold hard look at what he wants.

But the idea of leaving work and moving away is absolutely classic abuser manipulation. Think about that very carefully.

I'm so sorry, pinkcardi, you need time to think about your next steps. He sounds horrid. Completely disassociated from what he's doing/has done. As you've probably read here, only the shock of what he's truly going to lose will shake him out of his reverie but perhaps it's too late? I doubt you'll forget reading the messages that you have and possibly he's gone to far, physically or not.

Time and distance are the best possible things for now.

Keep the door locked. What a bastard!

"Just a snog" would do it for me anyway. You're worth way more than this!

Honestly, you shouldn't have had to point out to him that what he was texting was totally inappropriate. I could possibly forgive the words, but I'm not sure that I could get past the complete lack of thought for the relationship.

Clicked post too soon...

Best of luck to you and sorry you're having to deal with this

His babies haven't robbed him of everything - neither have you. I'm glad you realise how awful it is of him to have said that.

You have done the right thing and now he has the chance to prove his worth. You have to let him make the next move - what he does next will be very telling indeed. You've got us MN ladies firmly behind you so do keep coming back.

Plan something nice for tomorrow with your girls xxx

pinkcardi - don't blame the girl. From what you say she hasnt responded. It's your DH who seems to have said she's the only woman for him and that your DCs stopped him going out. Pack his bags. Was his DM in the mix there? perhaps he can go back to her or his mates.

I'd also be making you know what your financial position is if this is the end of your marriage. And did you photograph his messages to the OW? they may be deleted by now ....

Don't let him come back no matter how sorry he is. When you do talk, make him tell you everything. It IS cheating. If you decide you want to proceed with the relationship, make him pay to see a relate councilor. If he loves you, he will do whatever it takes.

And message her too. You don't need to be mean. Just say you have seen the messages and you want to know what has happened between the two of them before you decide if there is the smallest chance that he will be allowed home again. I don't agree with the 'she's done nothing wrong as she isn't the married one'. You have to be a very selfish person to respond to the flirtations of a married man in a way that disrespect his wife and family.

That's vile that he said that about his DDs. What a prick, doesn't he know how bloody lucky he is?? I hope you're OK, OP, have you got someone who can come and keep you company for a bit. This can't be easy dealing with alone.

Good luck op. Don't take him back or even have a conversation about it if you don't want to. I think he needs a good long time to come to his senses, especially as its not the first time. Whether you still want him when he does.....that's up to you.

How dare he say that about your dds

For that comment alone you're doing the right thing. With everything else as well? Think it would be the end for me

Stay strong Pink - thinking of u

I'm so, so sorry. Please try to look after yourself this evening and do something with the girls - could you take them out for a while instead of sitting worrying about him coming back? You've done the right thing here, his behaviour is disrespectful and inappropriate, you deserve better than this x

Good luck, OP. I hope you get some time and peace to think things over. My sister was in a very similar suitiation and after a lot of counselling, time, and effort she has decided to give her DH a second chance. I'm not advocating either way, just acknowledging that you have options. None of these options will disappear or be off the table so rush into no decisions. If he is truly sorry he will give you space and time. I'm sorry you are hurting.

No, don't message her. You wouldn't be able to believe her anyway.

Is there someone you can call to keep you company if you don't want to be alone tonight? I tend to be a 'crawl into a corner and lick my wounds' type in a crisis, but if you're not, please reach out to someone who will listen and keep your confidence.