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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask him not to come home

122 replies

pinkcardi · 03/06/2017 13:08

Long story short, DH has been flirting with another women. A young former employee of his business. He's done it for a while over WhatsApp and email but I've let it slide (I don't know why)

Last night I saw some more messages. Blowing her kisses, saying she was the only women for him. No doubt he'll dismiss it as just 'banter' and everyone does it etc. This was whilst I was putting the kids to bed.

Makes me feel sick. I've had enough.

He's out today at a sporting event (or boozing with colleagues) AIBU in texting him to say that I know all about it and that he's not to come home tonight? I'd ideally like to ask him to keep away until Tuesday when I've had some time to think.

Is this OTT? I'd pack him a bag and leave it for him so he wasn't entirely stuck.

Help, I don't know if I'm being unfair in asking him to keep away (we've got two young DCs)

OP posts:
SuperFlyHigh · 03/06/2017 17:06

I'd chuck him out! No second chances!

Oh and when I worked as a young and attractive PA at a trendy large architects I got a reputation (only kissed 1 of the architects at an office Christmas party but flirted with a few and was on a sports team where flirting went on) - I got a "reputation" but it was pure gossip so I wouldn't be so sure this woman has a tarnished reputation!

ComputerUserNotTrained · 03/06/2017 17:07

There are some things that can never be unsaid, even if they're not said directly to you. My ex said some terrible things but it took years for me to realise just how shitty they were - you at least have had the common sense to realise straightaway.

rwalker · 03/06/2017 17:18

can,t seeing this ending well he's out and pissed probaly come home and demand to be let in . Going to turning into 1 almighty row you have let it ride ,best to let it ride and tackle it tomorrow If you kick him out tonight be prepared for it to be the end as can only see this massivley escalating tonight.

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 03/06/2017 17:25

Don't fall for his 'I love you, it didn't mean anything'. Saying she was the only woman for him, that your daughters had robbed him of a night out, are both bang out of order.

Don't take him back unless you are very very sure of him. You've taken him back before when he cried, if you do it this time he'll take that to mean he can do it again and it will all be fine if he says the right things. Make it clear that he will have to work extremely hard to regain your trust - if you want that to happen, of course.

Don't move to the country, away from your support network and any means of providing for yourself financially. If you do, you are basically giving him complete control over you so that if he does this again (and I think he will) you'll find it even harder to escape.

'Big girl pants' sounds flippant, but stand up to him, let him see that you mean it and don't let him back unless/until you want to.

PoorYorick · 03/06/2017 17:47

It sounds as though he doesn't see anyone, including you, your children and her, as actual people who are as developed and sentient and full if thoughts and desires as he is. Everyone is just a bit part character to his grand saga. Put a stop to it now. Men like this don't improve with age.

Original poster
pinkcardi · 03/06/2017 17:48

He came back immediately, grovelled at the door, tried to talk to me. He wasn't angry etc. He asked if we could talk tonight, I said no.

He's gone and I expect him back tomorrow to talk it out.

Moving to the country was originally my idea. He isn't trying to control me, to be fair to him. I'm not being abused, but I am jut married to a knob.

I told him that his behaviour was cringeworthy, that'll have resonated for sure.

OP posts:
bumblebee61 · 03/06/2017 17:49

Just kick him out and divorce him. Why would you ever want someone back who behaves like that? Total shit.

Original poster
pinkcardi · 03/06/2017 17:53

Oh, hang on, Mr Knob is back on WhatsApp. Apparently I'm giving him an 'unfair punishment' and he wants to see the girls.

Fuck off!

OP posts:
Original poster
pinkcardi · 03/06/2017 17:53

He didn't want to see them last night funnily enough. Plonker

OP posts:
Catherinebee85 · 03/06/2017 18:01

How childish to believe you're punishing him. That response says a LOT!! about his maturity level if you think about it. Not that you're responding appropriately to him betraying and disrespecting you, your children AND the life you've built together.

Well done, you're doing great xx

LikeARedBalloon · 03/06/2017 18:06

I'd be quoting that text he sent about his girls blocking his night out. Just quote that and nothing else. What a twat.

AlcoholAndIrony · 03/06/2017 18:20

He doesn't get to say enough is enough here. You do. If he feels he's being punished that says ALOT.

You get your head straight and decide what route you want to go down. TBH for me, that would mean no more contact with this woman and no more flirty messages to anyone at all.

He needs to be all in for your marriage or not at all.

WomblingThree · 03/06/2017 18:34

For God's sake people, slow down. Give the OP a chance to breathe before calling the divorce lawyers for her. People come on here for advice and support.

Telling someone to immediately divorce her husband and father of her children is not supportive or helpful FFS. I'm sure any minute now will come the berating because she dares to read his text. Unravelling a life is not something you do just because a load of people on a message board tell you to!

CiliatedEpithelium · 03/06/2017 18:35

He just doesn't get it does he? I think there is a fundamental disconnect in your communication and he sees you as beneath him and you are to be humoured. I suspect he slightly manipulates you the whole time and this allows him the lifestyle he wants whilst he gets his undies washed dried and ironed.

Original poster
pinkcardi · 03/06/2017 18:39

I do feel like he just can't win at the moment, if I'm being balanced about things:

  • if he was silent and giving me time, I'd be stewing that he didn't care enough to be in touch.
  • and now he's very much apologising and trying to recover things, and I'm cross as he's not leaving me alone.

Don't worry, I won't be divorcing him on the back of one persons advice. But I will take a long hard look at things, and what it takes to trust him going forward, if that is possible.

At least now I feel in control, rather than a passenger in my own life.l

OP posts:
TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 03/06/2017 18:49

By saying it's an unfair punishment he's trying to make this somehow your fault. Don't let him, the fault is all his.

Willow2017 · 03/06/2017 19:11

Do not let him turn this around and put the blame on you. If he wasnt a wanker he wouldnt be having the consequences of his actions. Its all fair and square on his shoulders and if he cannot see that he will never admit he was wrong, he will never apologise and actually mean it as he doesnt think there is anything to apologise for.

Make sure he knows what he did wrong and how it affects you and your relationship. If he doesnt see then he will do it again.

You need to take time to think what to do next depending on how he reacts. Make him work for your trust again if you want to continue the relationship.

user1493059174 · 03/06/2017 19:13

It is very empowering to feel back in control, knowing you just don't have to put up with any shit you don't want to. Be aware that he will by now have his little advisers on the situation (and no doubt giving them his version - probs quarter of the story) and the "unfair punishment" are probably their words based on what he has told them - "Oh it was just a little bit of banter - blah blah blah!" Stick to what you know!

Calvinlookingforhobbs · 03/06/2017 19:28

What womblingthree said

AyeAmarok · 03/06/2017 19:31

Oh, hang on, Mr Knob is back on WhatsApp. Apparently I'm giving him an 'unfair punishment' and he wants to see the girls.

"Unfair punishment? If it helps you process it, consider it as the girls and I giving you the chance to go out that you were 'robbed' of last night. In fact, you can have as many nights out as you wish."

YouTheCat · 03/06/2017 19:34

You haven't given him a 'punishment'. He is reaping the consequences of his behaviour.

PyongyangKipperbang · 03/06/2017 19:35

If you feel the need to reply I suggest something along the lines of "Its not a punishment, its the consequences of your actions. I suggest you learn the difference."

SaltySalt · 03/06/2017 19:41

You didnt trust him and he's proved to you why. How can you move on now?

MagicalMrsMistoffelees · 03/06/2017 19:46

There's flirting and then there's telling another woman she's the 'only one for him' and that his children have 'robbed' him of the chance to go out.

He doesn't sound very nice or committed to his wife and children.

My husband wouldn't message a woman like that in a million years but if he did it would undermine our entire relationship and I would lose all respect for him. It's pathetic and teenagery and a betrayal.

I may be way off here but it seems from what you've written that he is well versed in keeping you in your place, explaining things away so it seems you're just being daft and whilst he wants to keep the family unit together also enjoys a little bit on the side to keep things 'interesting'. It's up to you whether you accept that as part of your relationship or not.

HeavenlyEyes · 03/06/2017 19:50

He is having at best an emotional affair and at worst a physical one - yet somehow he blames you for kicking him out. Blimey - he has a rather polished sense of self entitlement! He did it before, you took him back and he did it again. If you take him back he will do it again I am sure.

Sorry but I would engage a SHL and an sti test for yourself too if possible.

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