To ask him not to come home

[pinkcardi]

Long story short, DH has been flirting with another women. A young former employee of his business. He's done it for a while over WhatsApp and email but I've let it slide (I don't know why)

Last night I saw some more messages. Blowing her kisses, saying she was the only women for him. No doubt he'll dismiss it as just 'banter' and everyone does it etc. This was whilst I was putting the kids to bed.

Makes me feel sick. I've had enough.

He's out today at a sporting event (or boozing with colleagues) AIBU in texting him to say that I know all about it and that he's not to come home tonight? I'd ideally like to ask him to keep away until Tuesday when I've had some time to think.

Is this OTT? I'd pack him a bag and leave it for him so he wasn't entirely stuck.

Help, I don't know if I'm being unfair in asking him to keep away (we've got two young DCs)

Is he really your partner at this point?

Flirting like that would be so so far from what I'd accept - it's not just being emotionally unfaithful, it's the lack of respect for you and lack of respect for the family you supposedly want together. Fidelity should be a given, not something requiring a prize for his "good" behaviour. It's not for you to teach him how to be a good person.

You've been immensely patient to the point of damaging yourself. Be objective about you now - a healthy marriage means decent treatment for each person. How can you say this is ok for you? Is this a sign of poorer treatment of you in other areas?

I'd gather what evidence you may need in case this goes to divorce. Then request a separation - see if this time apart makes you feel any lighter, happier

You can be perfectly good at co-parenting, but don't allow his behaviour to be the bad example to your kids in their future relationships and in how they see a woman's worth

pinkcardi I think you are being reasonable and that this is a real breath of your trust.

"I guess I'm hesitating as it's just flirting (maybe a snog but I don't think more as it would be obvious from the messages)" I think a snog is quite serious actually, unless he is like 19 and you are both into snogging others, are you?

"...because I only found out as I was snooping (which I do because I don't trust him, quite rightly as it turns out)" I don't think it matters how you found out! You were snooping because you don't trust him, and you were right not to trust him.

"Ok, so new plan (thank you!) is open ended request to leave me alone don't come back and we will talk when I'm ready." That sounds fair, as long as he does have somewhere to go or the money for a B and B.

In your shoes I would also say at some point that you want some marriage counselling to regain trust, if you want that, but don't so yet, decide what you want to do.

"He's trying to get me to give up work and move us all to the countryside. Knobber. He wants the 'perfect' life and his bit on the side too. Agh. Bastard." Do no give up work or move if it is not what you want.

"She's got a bit of a habit of sleeping with guys from the office, 3 out of 9 guys I think. To be fair it's mostly him perusing her, he signs off with kisses etc, she never does that"

Agree with Dame. Whatever she does, he is your problem. But it does show there is a chance this could be/could turn into an actual affair.

pinkcardi After what you've said with the other person before you were married, it sounds like you have actually defined what you see to be acceptable in your relationship and you don't like flirting. Does he know that you've know for a while? If he's known and you haven't said anything, I think a serious talk is in order but not necessarily kicking out. If he isn't aware that you know and you've previously suggested this is not acceptable to you - well, YANBU to consider packing his bag.

pink you called him out on it when you were dating, so he knows it is not on. You've let it slide in marriage for whatever reason. Make it clear now. It is nor respectful to you. He is no right to do it. Many tears he knows how you felt about it before.

Yes, you are in the right to say you have had enough of this. Maybe it would have helped to have reiterated earlier but young babies and children, PND and a death in the family have all meant you have had other things on your mind. Do not let him make this your fault!!

Get rid of him. He's a cheating arsehole.

pringlecat "A married former colleague of mine with 2 young DC (I don't think he's at a sporting event today!) does flirt with me all the time. We both see it as harmless banter because we've drawn our line and we would never step over it."

I wonder if his wife sees this as harmless banter, or whether you are in danger of leading to the breakup of his marriage and him living without his kids? I know you may not see it this way but do you know his wife is not bothered by this? Has she said so to you or have you assumed this is OK? Have you assumed when he said it was OK that he was right?

"He loves his DW and their 2 DC dearly (he's always wanted to be a hands-on dad)" Yes he just doesn't respect his wife enough not to flirt with you, not very nice really.

Maybe he does fancy you more than you know, not nice for him to rub his wife's face in this, or does she not even know about the flirting?

"...and we have completely different life goals. The only reason why he does feel able to flirt with me is because it is a definite fact that nothing will ever happen."

This is a very strange statement to make, so clinical, like some sort of game you've worked out the rules to. So he flirts, which is usually a signal of some sexual interest, but you can trust yourself because of some pre-arranged (unspoken) rules?

That either sounds like a very sterile kind of flirting or two people fooling themselves.

"... he is devoted to his young family."

I think you might try having your friendship on to a non flirty footing, one that doesn't involve flirty banter, when his young children are teenagers they will probably find it excruciatingly embarrassing that their dad flirts with his old friend, I know I would have.

I am not being mean but I know if my husband or my dad behaved like this in public it would be awful and if it is all in private then the danger of something happening is more real.

I have a friend who loved me dearly, and I him, we never got together and married other people. I;d never flirt with him out of respect for my husband, his wife and our 5 children.

I am not meaning to be mean, honest, I just wonder if you have thought about it from his wife's point of view.

YANBU.

Well you can ask, but presumably you can't force him to stay away?

I agree about leaving it open ended.
"I'm sick of your banter with colleague. Your behaviour is out of line. Don't come home as I need time to think. I'll let you know when I'm ready to discuss the consequences of your actions." or similar.

I know it's not the focus of this thread but when you said he wants you to give up work and all move to the country my blood went cold. Classic controlling stuff - if he is behaving so badly now what would it be like if you were isolated and financially dependent to boot. Get out now!

Italiangreyhound You talk about the danger of something happening, but there is none. It's a bit like how children scream at their parents because they know their parents won't snap and leave them in the way that a stranger would. I actually think if he were to flirt with a stranger that would be worse because she wouldn't be "safe" and you could view that as him wanting something to happen.

In our case, whatever moment was there has long passed. Maybe when we first met many moons ago, but now we know each other too well to want to take things further. We are both firmly in each other's friend zone despite the flirting.

I do think flirting is genuinely sometimes harmless and not an indication either or both parties wants to do anything about it, and I'm offering that different POV. However the OP has said in a subsequent post that she has previously explained to her OH that she's not comfortable with flirting and having drawn that line, her OH shouldn't be flirting with other women.

Every relationship has its own set of rules. It sounds like the OP's OH has broken theirs.

Not OTT at all. It's time you took a stand and it sounds like for whatever reason you've not been in a place to do it so far. He needs to know you're not going to be treated in this way and although it sounds like you're down-playing it in my view this is cheating (but I do have quite a low threshold due to previous experiences)

He needs to show you some respect and be prepared to give you whatever space you need!

Yanbu
Tell him to do one.
You don't have to settle for him.

If my dh told someone else SHE was the only woman for him, even if she was firmly in his 'friend zone', I would be devastated.

Words have power, even when they are just 'banter'.

pringlecat "You talk about the danger of something happening, but there is none. It's a bit like how children scream at their parents because they know their parents won't snap and leave them in the way that a stranger would. I actually think if he were to flirt with a stranger that would be worse because she wouldn't be "safe" and you could view that as him wanting something to happen."

If nothing is happening or will happen, why flirt? It's really arrogant you see yourself as some kind of a safe option, why shouldn't his wife have a husband who doesn't flirt with anyone but her?

"We are both firmly in each other's friend zone despite the flirting." So why flirt?

"I do think flirting is genuinely sometimes harmless and not an indication either or both parties wants to do anything about it, and I'm offering that different POV." That is fair enough, I am not saying I am right I am just asking,

"Every relationship has its own set of rules." I just wonder if your friend's wife is in on these rules too, does she flirt? Are you in a relationship, does your other half flirt? It's a whole new world to me, I can't see the point of myself.

I think MumW's text is perfect, but I'd change 'banter' (which implies it's 'all in fun') to 'behaviour' or 'conversations' (which sounds more serious and less open to 'downplaying') .

If you feel you must give him a return date (I wouldn't), I'd make it for no less than a week. And I'd tell him that moving to the country is now absolutely off the table.

First do not kick him out without talking, a night on the sofa will do him good. Arrange for someone to take the kids out for the day. Talk to him before you decide anything, set ground rules if you are going to separate, avoid having pops at each other in front of DC. Use the time you have until he arrives home to make lists of pros and cons to help decide what is best for you. Only you can decide what is best for you. My ex had an affair both times I was pregnant, on the third I had wondered if he was having a fling when he went on training in London for 3 days 6 months previously. Apparently after 13 years it had never worked and there was no other woman, LIAR, only one 10 years younger. I took charge of my own destiny and after talking and careful consideration of what was best for me and the DC I packed his stuff and had it at the door waiting for him when he came home. Then I told my family and friends. Whatever way you handle this GOOD LUCK

His bag is packed, and I've messaged him. God, what have I done, this can't be undone. I do love him, he just clearly doesn't love me as much does he?

No one would ever suspect him, he's a perfect gentleman to everyone else :(

verytired that's good advice, but I don't want to talk to him. Not yet. I don't want to see his knobberish face. It was so tough getting through last night with him there, pretending it was all ok

If you're not OK with your DH flirting with other woman and have told him that's unacceptable in your relationship, I understand kicking him out. But if you haven't previously had that conversation and/or you've been seen to silently condone it (by being aware and him being aware you're aware and you not telling him to stop), kicking him out does seem a little bit U

A bit of flirting is one thing - although potentially troubling. But he's told this woman she's the only woman for him. I'd find that incredibly hurtful and I think it goes well beyond flirting.

So sorry for you, it is incredibly hard being a Mum doing what we do day in day out and then coming across something like this. You must be feeling shattered but people will only treat you how you allow them to treat you, and it appears you have turned a blind eye in the past. His behaviour is totally unacceptable and very cringey (you must have lost some respect for him) I agree with the other posters, tell him to stay away until you have had time to think. I do hope you manage to get it sorted, so sad when men throw away so much for a pathetic ego boost from a women with clearly very little respect for herself

I think you're completely doing the right thing. And leave his bag where he can find it, draw the curtains and turn your phone off. You need headspace to sort this out, and take your time with it. My DH and I have gone through some rough patches, but I would have walked away had he ever talked to someone like that. It's a complete betrayal and he has every intention of having an affair. Well done for standing up for you and your kids and saying No thanks, we deserve better. It's up to him now to prove that he is worthy of that.

There's harmless flirting and then there's saying things like "you're the only woman for me". Sounds to me that the only reason it hasn't gone beyond flirting is because she hasn't given him the green light (yet). You are not being unreasonable.

Mine was full of charisma and charm, everyone thought I was joking when I told them we had split up. Also, manipulative, lying scumbag who always arranged things to put himself first while appearing to be so amenable.

Stay strong while you think things over