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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask him not to come home

122 replies

pinkcardi · 03/06/2017 13:08

Long story short, DH has been flirting with another women. A young former employee of his business. He's done it for a while over WhatsApp and email but I've let it slide (I don't know why)

Last night I saw some more messages. Blowing her kisses, saying she was the only women for him. No doubt he'll dismiss it as just 'banter' and everyone does it etc. This was whilst I was putting the kids to bed.

Makes me feel sick. I've had enough.

He's out today at a sporting event (or boozing with colleagues) AIBU in texting him to say that I know all about it and that he's not to come home tonight? I'd ideally like to ask him to keep away until Tuesday when I've had some time to think.

Is this OTT? I'd pack him a bag and leave it for him so he wasn't entirely stuck.

Help, I don't know if I'm being unfair in asking him to keep away (we've got two young DCs)

OP posts:

AcrossthePond55 · 03/06/2017 23:11

All I can suggest is that (if you feel like responding) you say "I told you I need time to think about your behaviour. I suggest you do the same. That's not a 'punishment'. It's a reasonable request from someone you purport to love and that should be enough".

rizlett · 04/06/2017 07:43

Pink - If you do decide you want to go forward in your relationship have you hit a winner with mr knob hating to be thought of as cringeworthy?

Might it be be a strong enough motivator for a change of behaviour?

At risk of playing down your current situation but in respect that this may help.....my adult son would sometimes say to me 'that's rubbish' regarding some of the opinions I expressed and I hated it. One day I said to him 'you sound just like grandad when you say that'. (grandad was very much someone no one wanted to be like.) He never said it again.

Deathraystare · 04/06/2017 07:53

On one of his messages to her he said that the babies had 'robbed' him of his chance to go out last night. How fucking awful is that.

Fucking unforgivable is what it is.

alltalknobaby · 04/06/2017 08:00

Horrible, disrespectful behaviour. I hope you are feeling better today OP. I would struggle to trust after this personally, but you should talk to him and decide what is best for you and your DC.

cafenoirbiscuit · 04/06/2017 08:43

Hope you had some sleep last night. Do you have any RL support for today?

PhuqIt · 04/06/2017 08:49

I would start divorce proceedings personally. He's clearly a cunt of the highest order, why would you want to be married to that?

If my DH told another woman that she was the only woman for him I'd take it that HE had already ended our marriage.

Foslady · 04/06/2017 09:08

Hope you managed some sleep, Pink. On reading all of this I would love to be able to say I was surprised at his reaction when he realised he was no longer king of his castle with everyone behaving as he wanted them to but sadly was very predictable. By taking control of the situation you've spoilt his little game.
Think exactly what YOU want now - he's already shown that he's happy to use his relationship with his dd's to try and make you feel bad, don't accept it, this isn't about his relationship with them, it's about his relationship with you, and if he insists on bringing them into it, well I'm a big believer in that the best thing a father can do for his children is to respect their mother whatever kind of relationship they have (and at least I get that from my xh now, I didn't when we were married and believe our parenting if better for it).

Good luck however your future pans out - and know we're all here to listen

Xanadu44 · 04/06/2017 10:43

I feel for you but I think you've definitely done the right thing. I'll be thinking of you today. Good luck! Xx

Original poster

pinkcardi · 04/06/2017 10:55

Morning.

We're in central London close to the attack so all the relationship stuff has been slightly overshadowed. That said, he's home but we aren't talking. He wants to talk but I'm not ready yet.

I had thought that I would be able to move on, but now I'm wondering if maybe this is the end. I won't rush into anything, but perhaps this is a sign of the end.

Thank you all again for your support

OP posts:

mummymeister · 04/06/2017 11:11

pinkcardi Its up to you how you deal with this but I would re-read some of the advice on here about asking him to move out for a while. its not even 24hrs and he is back home so in his mind things are "back to normal". honestly, you need a bit of space for yourself to think things through without his brooding presence. if nothing else you need to see if you feel better without him there than you did with him there.

If during the time apart you do decide its the end then at least you have the space to get your financial ducks in a row. if it isn't then you can decide what he needs to do to win back your trust.

don't let him create a diversion. people are really good at doing this when challenged on their behaviour.

seriously, I would ask him to leave to give you that space that you need. you are the most important person at the moment, not him.

MagicalMrsMistoffelees · 04/06/2017 19:28

You say you hoped you would be able to move on. But give yourself a break - your husband wants to have sex with another woman! Not sure that's something you can gloss over and move on from. Don't let his matter-of-fact, I'm such an up front, honest guy act blindside you. His approach is to be calm and reasonable which makes you feel somehow unreasonable for having a problem with it. His barrister skills of advocacy and negotiation and persuasion mean he is well armed here - watch out.

It's totally ugh and he's a slimeball and you're better off getting rid. 💐

AtrociousCircumstance · 04/06/2017 19:35

He won't change. However much you talk this through (just like last time) if you forgive him he'll see it as acceptance and his attitudes won't change one bit.

He just wants to persuade you to give him what he wants - comfy home life plus flirting/sex life on the side.

ChildishGambino · 04/06/2017 19:37

It's not ok for him to have 'a snog'. I'd bin him. Done.

ChildishGambino · 04/06/2017 19:37

bluebeck · 04/06/2017 19:40

I would also bin him.

IWouldLikeToSeeTheseMangoes · 04/06/2017 21:15

YANBU at all OP and well done staying strong. What a horrid situation He sounds like an utter sleazy twat who thinks he can behave however he wants with no consequence. Sorry you are going through this and hope you're ok

CiliatedEpithelium · 05/06/2017 07:28

Of all the things (and they are fucking awful) it's the 'robbed' comment that would be the final straw for me. That was the real him as it was meant to be hidden. Sleazy sleazy sleaze sleeeeaze.

MagicalMrsMistoffelees · 05/06/2017 19:29

So sorry - my last msg was for a different thread! 😫

tiredplusstressed · 08/08/2017 09:32

If my DH did that his bags would be packed

Sinead9 · 08/08/2017 10:08

Good for you.

Sinead9 · 08/08/2017 10:08

Good for you.

lifesaverormassmurderer · 08/08/2017 11:58

How are you doing Op?

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