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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To pick my own ring.

148 replies

talksensetome · 01/06/2017 13:13

I have just been on holiday and whilst there a ring caught my eye. Nothing expensive, just a piece of dress jewellery, probably not even silver with a shiny bit of glass in it. Either way I liked it, it fit and I bought it for myself.

Got back last night, BF says where's that ring from, I said I treated myself to it. well today whilst I am at work he has gone out and bought me a new ring to wear instead. "So my finger doesn't go black". I am at work so haven't seen it yet but I said, Thanks, as you do. Is it the same as this one? He says No, it's nicer.

I don't usually wear any jewellery, the odd day I might wear earrings but no rings, rarely a necklace. This ring will probably get left in the drawer after a couple of weeks.

AIBU and ungrateful to think it is weird to immediately go out and replace something I obviously like, because I chose it myself, with something he has decided is better?

OP posts:
EpoxyResin · 02/06/2017 11:03

Er, yeah, insecure and controlling...

Original poster
talksensetome · 02/06/2017 11:04

Avoiding Thank you, you have hit it on the head. How rude would it be to say stuff your ring. He has supposedly done something nice, buy me a ring, and I would be churlish enough to say I don't want it because it doesn't match the ring I chose? That's why I started the post because I had an uneasy feeling that this was about more than the ring but wasn't sure if I was the one being a weirdo!

OP posts:
Original poster
talksensetome · 02/06/2017 11:07

I would never give up work and be financially dependant on anyone. I have three children and have always been very firm that the roof over my head has my name on it and I earn enough money to be able to leave. My husband was an abusive man and I learnt to never make myself vulnerable and unable to leave.

OP posts:
helpimitchy · 02/06/2017 11:12

The green one is nicer and you need to get shot of the strange fella.

McDougal · 02/06/2017 11:32

Agree the green one is much nicer and he definitely sounds controlling but trying his hardest not to be too obvious about it (and failing).

If there's a pattern emerging, it may be time to make a decision about whether you want the relationship to continue.

Why on earth would he give a stuff about what jewellery you wear anyway? Surely the most important thing is that you like it.

AvoidingCallenetics · 02/06/2017 11:44

Talk, sorry if I am telling you something that you already know, based on your previous experience but what your dp appears to he doing is that insidious kind of creeping control that you almost don't notice at first because it is so subtle and it makes you question whether you are crazy. It is so gradual thay many wpmen dob't realise how much of thrmselves they have lost until it is too hard to get out. Your previous experience has heightened your awareness, so you have picked up on his behaviour as odd before you are at the point of no return.
Be really careful. Don't make the mistake of thinking you can manage him because controlling people are way better at manipulation than the rest of us.
If you are wary then listen to your instincts.

picklemepopcorn · 02/06/2017 11:45

How valuable is the ring he bought? I know nothing about jewellery. Is it silver?

Ask him what he was thinking. I'd love to know what he thinks he is doing when he buys alternatives to your choices.

AvoidingCallenetics · 02/06/2017 11:51

I mean, already he has you wearing that ring, even though you don't want to.
He bought you gold jewellery knowing you only wear silver/white gold. Do you ever wear the perfume he bought?
If you are already modifying your behaviour to accommodate him then his tactics are working. Only you can judge this and it is hard to admit to, evrn to yourself if you are used to thinking of yourself as strongly independant.
I think if you are not careful it will only be a matter of time before you stop wearing your ring and start making choices based on his preferences.

DixieFlatline · 02/06/2017 12:01

Put it back in its box and say you'll be save it for an appropriate outfit/occasion. That's not ungrateful. You're allowed to have your own tastes and dress accordingly, even when you've been given a gift...

Original poster
talksensetome · 02/06/2017 12:02

I do actually wear the perfume. Because it was a gift and he would say, don't you like the perfume I got you and be all offended.

I do think of myself as a strong woman and that I can handle him, because I have spotted his undesirable behaviours but as you have pointed out, I am already wearing things not to my taste so clearly not as strong as I think.

The relationship had pretty much run its course anyway I think, lots of issues going on there so it would seem it really is time to part ways.

How bizarre though, breaking up because he bought me a new ring!

OP posts:
AvoidingCallenetics · 02/06/2017 12:21

You are not breaking up because of a ring. The ring has just thrown into focus what you already knew about this relationship.
I am worried about you. I think he is going to make out this is all in your head and that you are projecting based on previous relationship.
I knew you'd be wearing that perfume Sad. Don't let him talk you out of this.

Original poster
talksensetome · 02/06/2017 12:28

Thank you Avoiding it really does mean a lot that you are concerned and I love how supportive mumsnet can be!

OP posts:
AvoidingCallenetics · 02/06/2017 12:33

Don't tell him about MN. He doesn't need to know where your support networks are, just in case.

Louiselouie0890 · 02/06/2017 12:52

YANBU. Doesn't matter what it looks like he's being controlling and it's bizarre.

Original poster
talksensetome · 02/06/2017 13:06

He already knows about Mumsnet, looking at my phone over my shoulder and has said a few times he is going to join but he went over to net mums. I told him not to be so creepy and weird and get out of my personal space.

OP posts:
LouiseBrooks · 02/06/2017 13:15

I love "your" ring. The other one is nice but it looks way too much like an engagement ring.

because I wasn't answering his calls (I text and said I would ring later) he accused me of being with another man .

I have never said this before on here but honestly, LTB.

metalmum15 · 02/06/2017 13:19

He's probably got a thread going on Netmums along the lines of 'I bought my gf lovely jewellery and perfume and she's really ungrateful' etc etc. It's a shame when any relationship breaks up, but you sound very philosophical about it all, which is good. You were obviously strong enough to get out of an abusive relationship before so you can do it again

HumpHumpWhale · 02/06/2017 13:26

I have a few thoughts, some more relevant than others.

  1. He sounds seriously controlling and odd.
  2. I like both rings but they're not remotely similar so I don't know why he'd think the second one would replace the one you chose.
  3. The green looks lovely with your skin tone.
  4. Don't wear perfume you don't like just to keep him happy. If he's a nice guy, he wouldn't want you to.
  5. You have very nicely shaped nails.
SheSaidHeSaid · 02/06/2017 13:34

They're both lovely rings BUT I definitely think that him buying you this (and all the other 'gifts') has been done for sinister reasons.

Controlling aside, though I think his behaviour is, he seems to want to change you and I don't think you should try to change your partner if you love them (apart from trying to change/train your partner to pick up their bloody pants off the bedroom floor - which happen to be right next to the washing basket!!)

AvoidingCallenetics · 02/06/2017 13:36

I wouldn't be at all surprised if he was reading this. The thread title would be a big giveaway and given that MN is already on his radar, he has probably already looked for you here. Telling someone with controlling tendencies to get out of your personal space will not result in him actually doing so. If you didn't namechange for this thread, I would advise asking MN to delete your posting history on other threads to preserve your privacy. Name change for future threads and password lock phone/laptop.

aggressivearse · 02/06/2017 13:38

He will be reading this, OP, I would bet my last pound on it.

Not that it really matters now, I guess. You have made the right decision in leaving, and you have a brilliant attitude about it. Good luck.

Original poster
talksensetome · 02/06/2017 13:44

I don't think he is savvy but if he does read this at least he will see that everyone else thinks he is controlling too.

I switch between this name and a few others so will advance search this name and see what comes up, just incase.

OP posts:
AvoidingCallenetics · 02/06/2017 13:55

I wouldn't underestimate him. He already jumped to the conclusion that you saw another man on holiday. He could well be looking at what you do elsewhere.

RaspberryOverloadsOnIcepops · 02/06/2017 13:55

I think I agree with other posters, that this relationship has run it's course, for you at least OP.

The ring, and his attitude that you still wear the one you bought, are just symptoms of the issues now coming to the surface. I'd get rid of the controlling, by getting rid of the controller.

Original poster
talksensetome · 02/06/2017 13:56

Well having advanced searched I am not worried about him seeing the thread. However it seems my dog is much smarter than I am. I had a thread back in December about the dog weeing on the pillow of the side of the bed he sleeps on when he stays over! Clever dog, I should have listened!

OP posts: