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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To pick my own ring.

148 replies

talksensetome · 01/06/2017 13:13

I have just been on holiday and whilst there a ring caught my eye. Nothing expensive, just a piece of dress jewellery, probably not even silver with a shiny bit of glass in it. Either way I liked it, it fit and I bought it for myself.

Got back last night, BF says where's that ring from, I said I treated myself to it. well today whilst I am at work he has gone out and bought me a new ring to wear instead. "So my finger doesn't go black". I am at work so haven't seen it yet but I said, Thanks, as you do. Is it the same as this one? He says No, it's nicer.

I don't usually wear any jewellery, the odd day I might wear earrings but no rings, rarely a necklace. This ring will probably get left in the drawer after a couple of weeks.

AIBU and ungrateful to think it is weird to immediately go out and replace something I obviously like, because I chose it myself, with something he has decided is better?

OP posts:

Ditsy1980 · 01/06/2017 15:09

I thought he wil have replaced it with an engagement ring also 💍
If not definitely weird.

MumBod · 01/06/2017 15:16

As long as you wash your hands afterwards, you crack on.

So to speak.

ElspethFlashman · 01/06/2017 15:18

I agree with NavyandWhite that your Greek ring is liable to "disappear" btw.

hazeydays14 · 01/06/2017 16:05

Another one voting for weird and not a nice gesture IMO given you've said he comments on your clothes as well. Seems weirdly controlling of what you 'should look like'.

If it is an engagement ring, what a strange way to go about it..

Hissy · 01/06/2017 17:05

Oh he's so going to hide the ring you bought.

It's not nice at all, if he's showing you these signs of control now, the clothes etc, really it's not going to change

I'd put him on notice tbh.

olderthanyouthink · 01/06/2017 17:27

Controlling is not good but maybe it's just his weird logic...

Bobbins43 · 01/06/2017 20:55

Any ring related news? I kinda want to see them now...

SheSaidHeSaid · 01/06/2017 20:57

Can we have an, erm, diagram of the rings???

EpoxyResin · 01/06/2017 21:01

I came back in the hope of seeing the rings! Or at least hearing a very detailed description of the mystery replacement ring...

CoffeeWithMyOxygen · 01/06/2017 21:17

It's not that I want you to br freaking out, but I'm slightly thrown by how chill you are about this! I'd be torn between being really upset and furiously angry if I'd treated myself to something I really liked and DH was contemptuous enough to decide he could just replace it. It's hugely controlling but also, as many others have said, fucking weird. I'm not sure I could actually marry somebody with that attitude.

twisterinyogapants · 01/06/2017 21:44

Waiting for pictures

Crunchymum · 02/06/2017 07:56

Very odd OP but what screams out to me is you've said this behaviour isn't out of the ordinary.

Who does he think he is telling you what to wear - Gok Won?

Wh0Kn0wsWhereTheTimeGoes · 02/06/2017 08:05

Another vote for weirdly controlling. Who goes out and buys someone another of the thing they've just bought for themself? Unless they don't like the thought of that person making independent choices.

metalmum15 · 02/06/2017 08:32

Well, OP hasn't been back yet so maybe they've had a heavy night celebrating their engagement . Unless you're wearing it on your engagement finger OP, and he wants to get you a proper engagement ring, then it's slightly strange and controlling. I chose all my own rings, including wedding and engagement ones!

metalmum15 · 02/06/2017 08:32

Phoebefromfriends · 02/06/2017 08:40

This sounds like very controlling behaviour OP and that would be a red flag for me. If this isn't an engagement ring you need a serious chat with why your DP thinks he knows best about clothing and jewellery then tell him to leave

AvoidingCallenetics · 02/06/2017 08:53

I would not have immediately thought he was being controlling until you said he tries to influence your clothing choices.
Initially, I would have just taken this on face value - that he knows you want a ring and thought it would be nice to buy you a decent quality one. But the clothes comment has made me wary.
Hope all is okay today and it hasn't turned into a row.

PaintingOwls · 02/06/2017 08:54

Men are extremely odd. Don't let him push you around, OP.

And show us the ring

RedastheRose · 02/06/2017 09:06

You are not BU. That is controlling behaviour OP. He is basically saying that what he thinks is more important than what you think. The turn your finger green thing is a crap excuse to try and control you rebelling against his decision.

I don't get everyone saying 'it may be an engagement ring' if it is you should run a mile because this relationship has the red flags flying if he tries to control what you wear and do.

Regardless of how strong you feel a long term relationship with someone who constantly undermines your thoughts and feelings as being less important than his own is wearing and over time you can find yourself giving in just because the arguments feel so petty but it strips away your personality.

Hissy · 02/06/2017 10:11

Let's be upfront about what is going on here OP. He tries to tell you what to wear, and clearly is NOT happy about you having been on holiday to Greece. He somehow knows at this stage in the game he still has to pretend to be a nice person so has not said how he really feels about it.

the ring symbolises your holiday, your happiness and as it gives you pleasure, he resents it. He resents your happiness.

A real man would wait until it makes your hand go green then offer to get you one to last. The offer to buy you one on first sight of it indicates he hates the ring and what it symbolised.

otherwise, he sees you as his possession to be decorated as HE wishes as it reflects on him

Any way you cut this, it's ugly. He's got to go.

I was in an abusive relationship for 10 yrs. At the end it was just awful.

At the very beginning he was training me to get hooked on him being amazing and as time went by he'd slip a little and react in ways I didnt think he would. This is exactly how abuse starts.

Get out now.

Hissy · 02/06/2017 10:13

Men are extremely odd

No, this is not true.
SOME men are odd

SOME MEN are resentful, controlling abusive arses.

Plenty of men are nice, honest, decent and love to see us happy and proud of things we love.

Original poster

talksensetome · 02/06/2017 10:28

Ok so I promised pictures of the rings so I will deliver. I was thinking about this and it's definitely a pattern going on.

for Christmas he was buying me earrings, I only wear silver or white gold but he decided I should have yellow gold. Now I have a pair of earrings that I don't wear.

He asked me what perfume I like, I said Vera Wang Princess, Ultra Violet by Paco Raban or Nina by Nina Ricci, all very sweet smelling fragrances. I got a Vera Wang woman perfume, very grown up scent, nothing at all like I usually wear.

Then for my birthday he suggested a dress. I told him where I usually shop, New Look, Asos, Dorothy Perkins. He bought me a Joe Browns dress from Simply Be.

Anyway rings attached. The green one was my choice.

OP posts:

Original poster

talksensetome · 02/06/2017 10:28

Oh and it is not an engagement ring...

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 02/06/2017 10:30

He sounds weirdly controlling. Would you agree?

metalmum15 · 02/06/2017 10:31

I prefer the green one. Love emeralds. The other is a bit blingy for me and looks too much like an engagement ring if it isn't. Does he ever ask why you don't wear the things he buys you? He does sound strangely controlling where appearances are concerned.

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