to end pregnancy because of husband, or to carry on despite him?

[NeutralUserName]

I don't have anyone in real life that I feel I can discuss this with, because it is so fucking embarrassing, but I thought that perhaps posting on here would give me some other angles... sorry it's a bit long, at least there are paragraphs ...

I'm pregnant (very early, about five weeks). I didn't want this to happen. We were being careful. Obviously not careful enough.

I have a baby who'll be one in September. I have a history of infertility, IVF treatment and miscarriage before he came along. It was absolutely awful, and I know exactly how lucky I am to have my beautiful boy. I used to hope for two children but I was / am reconciled to having just the one and I genuinely feel very lucky to have him. I'm considering ending this new pregnancy because of my husband.

This new pregnancy was not planned. My husband is horrified at the thought of another baby. He found the early days with our son very difficult and suffered badly with depression due to sleeplessness (although he did not get up much to help) and the change in our relationship (basically, he was very upset that I did not feel very sexy and was not really interested in sex). He was not very emotionally or practically supportive of me in those first weeks/months and I did not have the energy or emotional capacity to take care of him as well as looking after our tiny baby, struggling with breastfeeding, and recovering from c-section. He refused to seek help for his low mood and we have argued about this many times.

He's been pretty clear since our son was born that he doesn't want another. I've felt sad about this but more or less come to terms with it because I feel so lucky with the one child. I've never agreed out loud that we will never have any more because I wasn't 100%.

I don't have any reason to think that he'd find another baby any easier than the first one. He does love our son now, although I think it is still mixed with resentment for how his life has changed. I would say they have a good relationship. He's good at playing with him and takes an interest and pride in his development.

Sex is a big issue in our relationship. He doesn't really understand or accept that I want it less frequently than he does. He thinks there is something wrong with me. He finds it difficult and very hurtful and this manifests itself in some epic grumpiness / huffs / sulks / loud sighing (these are all not quite the right words but will have to do). He thinks that fixing our sex life has to be our main focus and that having another baby will totally screw things up. I think that I am being unfairly compared with some rose-tinted image of what life was like about ten years ago.

I am seriously considering termination and have made an appointment at the clinic (for discussion). If I do this then it is better done quickly and as soon as possible. I feel utterly hypocritical and ridiculous for considering a termination of this pregnancy given my history of struggling and absolute desperation to have a baby. If I do it, it will pretty much be because of his behaviour the first time round. In a nutshell, I believe that having another baby so soon may well cause us to break up and then my little boy will miss out on a proper relationship with his dad. And I'll be bringing up two kids alone. Even if we don't split, it will probably sour things further and even in the best of circumstances, having two under two is one a hell of a challenge. Plus I will be one of those women who returns from mat leave already pregnant - I can front this out and it won't be a problem with public sector HR but still ... I take my career very seriously and it will be difficult with two tinies.

But - it would be a baby and a sibling for my son, and I know I'd love it like crazy. If he was a different kind of person I wouldn't be thinking about a termination; I'd still have some mixed feelings as it's so soon but I'd be happy and I’d make it work. It's a serious thing to do, ending a pregnancy because of someone else. He says I'll blame him for this forever and he has a point.

So - if you're still with me - which is least unreasonable? Continuing the pregnancy even though it'll be a massive strain on a less than brilliant relationship and likely have an impact on my existing child? Or ending the pregnancy because of my husband's feelings? I don't know what the hell to do now. What else should I be considering?

I highly doubt he was actually clinically depressed from lack of sleep, especially if he wasn't actually getting up to help with the baby. It's just an excuse for his sulking and awful behaviour.

And that sort of attitude is why MH still has such a stigma.....

Depressed men can have depression without whinging to their wives about sex you know Yolo

Another pro choice here.
OP, keep your little baby, deep down, I think you want to.
I honestly can't see your marriage, standing the test of time. Your husband sounds like a bullying man child, who wants his own way.
You will manage, we always do !
Whatever your choice, please, please, make it for you.

Depressed men can have depression without whinging to their wives about sex you know Yolo

Agree about that, the sex thing is just being a dick.

But the not getting up/not helping/not being supportive was basically me with depression. I was very insular and couldn't face doing anything! No different for a bloke.

Yeah yolo. I'm sure the op's husband was really just suffering from postnatal depression and that's why he was a useless father.

*and useless husband

In depression you often feel like you literally have no energy and aren't "up" for anything

It doesn't usually start when you have a baby though unless you've been pregnant. Or actually do some work with the baby...

Any life-changing even can trigger it. "Absolutely nothing" can trigger it.

A baby is a huge life change for both parents. I guess the woman comes to terms with it because she has 9 months of being pregnant. For men, it's often like "WOAH now there's a baby".

OP, I don't know what to say, it's hard but go with your gut.

Some people are totally unprepared for the explosion a new baby creates on their world.

There is nothing wrong about this but what causes the most issues is when that person refuses and resists their new reality.

That's all it is - a new reality. Yes sex reduces, yes you are tired and no you don't have the same selfish freedom anymore.

Life is replaced with new routines and responsibilities but it can still be fun and exciting.

Your husband has not realised this yet, he has resisted his new life and still resents it at times. His actions have created massive problems for both you and him.

He is not being unreasonable by not wanting another child he his still stuck in hell after having the first one! And you are still trying to come to terms with his reaction.

Honestly two under two will at times be back breaking hence why most of us wait a few years. I'm thinking this might break your relationship.

In your shoes if I thought my marriage was not going to last I would terminate and have another child with a future partner (rather than have two DC to someone else) and face the possibility of not having that bond with a future partner (unless you want three DC)

But you seem to want this baby and I don't think you are unreasonable either.

Doh not much help!!!

Yolo I'm saying this as someone who has had a whole day host of mental health conditions and treatments... I've been awful to live with I am sure - DH has the patience of a saint. I've never refused to get help though. Nor have I, in the depths of depression wanted to have sex. I haven't wanted to do anything.

I am sure the ops husband was depressed. Doesn't excuse his shitty behaviour.

In depression you often feel like you literally have no energy and aren't "up" for anything

When you have a baby you have no choice.

If your husband was that adamant that he didn't want another baby, then it's up to him to deal with that, e.g. by having a vasectomy. He doesn't get to make the decision about what happens to your body.

Why on earth did you feel like it was your responsibility to look after your husband when you were caring for a newborn and trying to recover from pregnancy and birth? Surely he's big enough to look after himself, even if he isn't enough of a father and husband to support his family.

The decision about your current pregnancy needs to be yours, based on what's right for you and what you think would work for your son. Your husband will do what the fuck he wants regardless of your decisions.

In your situation I'd keep the baby and get rid of him. I would never be able to let go of the resentment that I had terminated due to his behaviour - and even if you do terminate, he's not going to suddenly become the supportive husband/father that you deserve and will still complain about the lack of sex/change to his life whilst you're left mourning the second child you could have had
I agree with these wise words from stolemyusername.

I terminated once to please my now ex husband before we were married. I really struggled to get over it.

Huffing and puffing and sulking when you don't get sex isn't a symptom of depression, it's a symptom of being an arsehole.

YY. You can be depressed without sulking because you don't get to have sex. It's no excuse.

Also OP how would it be hypocritical to have a termination now because you struggled with infertility previously? It would be no differnt to someone TTC if they'd had an abortion in the past. I can't see how either course of action here would make you a hypocrite and even if it did, so what?

Your H sounds a lot like my exH. He could never bear not to be the centre of attention and found adjusting to being a parent and not being the sole focus of my attention hard.

He too never got up with any of our DC and moaned about how hard everything was and how stressed he was. Years later I found out that he started his first affair just after our first DC was born.

If I had known then what I do now I would not have wasted years with a self-absorbed entitled twunt. Another vote for have your baby and ditch the man-child.

I say keep the baby get rid of the moaning man child.

If you terminate purely to try and kee a marriage together it's not going to work anyway, you will resent him and his behaviour sounds terrible anyway.

Huffing and puffing and sulking when you don't get sex isn't a symptom of depression, it's a symptom of being an arsehole.

Particularly with a 7/8 month old baby!And as the OP is pregnant he hasn't been going without anyway.

I cannot bear men who don't see why pregnancy/childbirth/childcare should not affect their lives or change the amount of attention they get from their wives. If the fools actually got involved with their own children an equal amount their partners might have some spare energy to think about things like sex.

Personally OP I would be planning to terminate the marriage... Whatever you do, think about how things will be if you are raising one or two children alone. If you think you could cope and be happy with two, go for it.

I think the OP's DH has two separate issues here - one is his depression, the other is his self-centredness and lack of empathy wrt huffing and sulking re lack of sex.

Refusing to seek help for depression is quite selfish in itself. I can completely understand it, but it can make your partner/spouse feel as if they've got an additional child instead of a partner.

The huffing and puffing about sex is a horrible trait, though. What's next - justifying having an affair and blaming the OP because he wasn't getting enough? 😡

I think you would hugely regret having a termination in order to keep things on an even keel with your DH, OP. As other pps have said, you'd end up resenting him so much that the marriage is on a hiding to nothing. If YOU don't want another child, then have the termination for YOU. Not for someone else though.

It will be a lot of hard work OP having 2 children so close together but you're already used to babies so adding another in just seems to happen and is nowhere as scary as your 1st. My DD has got 16 months between each 3 of hers and she's managed so well, she's awe inspiring .

I will be honest, your DH sounds like a prize idiot for not appreciating what a precious gift your child is.....and there is no excuse whatsoever for not supporting you through it. Can you honestly imagine spending the rest of your life battling a man whose sole focus is his sex drive??! My DH struggled with our 1st, he actually said once that it was like our relationship had ended because the baby took over everything but it really changed as she got older and he took a while to warm up to fatherhood. But he never once hassled me for sex, he could see how exhausted I was and knew better I think..... it took me a while to realise that he needed some reassurance that he was still important to me every once in a while. It's such a massive change becoming parents that it takes you both a while to find your way. He sounds like he's making no effort at all in any way, and only you can decide if you can live with that.

As for terminating your pregnancy, I think you need to talk this through with someone professional....it's a decision that will affect the rest of your life either way and one only you can make.

I have had depression. I have three children. I work in mental health. When you have children and a mental illness you have a responsibility to seek help to ensure you can care adequately for your children. I know depression. I've been there. But once you become a parent, if depression is preventing you from parenting, failing to get help for it is just not acceptable.

In any case, if the OP's husband refused to drag his arse out of bed to take care of their child but had the energy to pester her for sex and sulk when she wasn't up for it, that suggests it possibly wasn't his mental health issue preventing him from pulling his weight, but his selfishness.

I had a termination years ago when I was 19 years old so I'm not judging you and am not against it if that is what is right for you. In this instance, I dont think your marriage is going to last anyway. You seem to be married to a selfish man-child who seems to be jealous of your attention on your child. In a few years, I don't think you'll regret leaving your OH but you will definitely regret having a termination. There's nothing wrong with being a single mum to two kids. As you had difficulty conceiving as it is, you should carry on with the pregnancy

I kept the baby and dumped the husband.

Best decision I've ever made.

Its obviously a very difficult decision but I agree wholeheartedly with everyone else. You must only have a termination if that is 100% what YOU actually want. If you terminate in the hope that your marriage will survive then I think it is warped logic. You will resent him for putting you in that position. And your sex life will not be improved. I'm sorry you are in this horrid position but you must make your decision based on what you want for yourself and your DC1. Your DH has to then make his own decision as to whether he is on board or not.

If you want the baby keep it. Either way put the husband in intensive remedial training, starting with seeking help for his mental health problems.