to end pregnancy because of husband, or to carry on despite him?

[NeutralUserName]

I don't have anyone in real life that I feel I can discuss this with, because it is so fucking embarrassing, but I thought that perhaps posting on here would give me some other angles... sorry it's a bit long, at least there are paragraphs ...

I'm pregnant (very early, about five weeks). I didn't want this to happen. We were being careful. Obviously not careful enough.

I have a baby who'll be one in September. I have a history of infertility, IVF treatment and miscarriage before he came along. It was absolutely awful, and I know exactly how lucky I am to have my beautiful boy. I used to hope for two children but I was / am reconciled to having just the one and I genuinely feel very lucky to have him. I'm considering ending this new pregnancy because of my husband.

This new pregnancy was not planned. My husband is horrified at the thought of another baby. He found the early days with our son very difficult and suffered badly with depression due to sleeplessness (although he did not get up much to help) and the change in our relationship (basically, he was very upset that I did not feel very sexy and was not really interested in sex). He was not very emotionally or practically supportive of me in those first weeks/months and I did not have the energy or emotional capacity to take care of him as well as looking after our tiny baby, struggling with breastfeeding, and recovering from c-section. He refused to seek help for his low mood and we have argued about this many times.

He's been pretty clear since our son was born that he doesn't want another. I've felt sad about this but more or less come to terms with it because I feel so lucky with the one child. I've never agreed out loud that we will never have any more because I wasn't 100%.

I don't have any reason to think that he'd find another baby any easier than the first one. He does love our son now, although I think it is still mixed with resentment for how his life has changed. I would say they have a good relationship. He's good at playing with him and takes an interest and pride in his development.

Sex is a big issue in our relationship. He doesn't really understand or accept that I want it less frequently than he does. He thinks there is something wrong with me. He finds it difficult and very hurtful and this manifests itself in some epic grumpiness / huffs / sulks / loud sighing (these are all not quite the right words but will have to do). He thinks that fixing our sex life has to be our main focus and that having another baby will totally screw things up. I think that I am being unfairly compared with some rose-tinted image of what life was like about ten years ago.

I am seriously considering termination and have made an appointment at the clinic (for discussion). If I do this then it is better done quickly and as soon as possible. I feel utterly hypocritical and ridiculous for considering a termination of this pregnancy given my history of struggling and absolute desperation to have a baby. If I do it, it will pretty much be because of his behaviour the first time round. In a nutshell, I believe that having another baby so soon may well cause us to break up and then my little boy will miss out on a proper relationship with his dad. And I'll be bringing up two kids alone. Even if we don't split, it will probably sour things further and even in the best of circumstances, having two under two is one a hell of a challenge. Plus I will be one of those women who returns from mat leave already pregnant - I can front this out and it won't be a problem with public sector HR but still ... I take my career very seriously and it will be difficult with two tinies.

But - it would be a baby and a sibling for my son, and I know I'd love it like crazy. If he was a different kind of person I wouldn't be thinking about a termination; I'd still have some mixed feelings as it's so soon but I'd be happy and I’d make it work. It's a serious thing to do, ending a pregnancy because of someone else. He says I'll blame him for this forever and he has a point.

So - if you're still with me - which is least unreasonable? Continuing the pregnancy even though it'll be a massive strain on a less than brilliant relationship and likely have an impact on my existing child? Or ending the pregnancy because of my husband's feelings? I don't know what the hell to do now. What else should I be considering?

You poor love how awful he sounds.

Separate the issues. I think you deserve a better man and I think k your relationship is doomed anyway sorry.

Decide if you want another baby or not from all angles.

I have a friend who was in a very similar situation to you. What she didn't know at the time was that her 'D'H was a serial adulterer - opportunistic one-night stands. He hated not being the centre of her attention.

She went ahead with the pregnancy. He eventually left her for a woman he started an affair with while she was pregnant. Both he and she recognise now that he would've left either way. She never regretted having her second son. Ironically her ex is a much better father now than he was when they were together

Agree with pretty much everyone else. Have the termination or not depending on what you want. He sounds horrible, childish and selfish. Get rid of him before you do anything else.

for you OP

I have to say i would continue with my pregnancy and ditch him!

I'm also concerned how you will feel after you'd gone through a termination when you have had so many hurdles in the past :(

Whatever you choose to do, you do it for YOU! Nobody else

Wish you all the best OP x

Take his opinion out for a start. If you want the baby then go ahead, if not, abort. Dont make the decision based on him. Base it you and what you want.

OP, you mention that your husband was depressed after the arrival of your baby - how were you feeling? Did you suffer too (it's more common than you'd think).

There is a lot written in your post about how you think your husband would feel. You, on the other hand, are not quite so easy to fathom. Why didn't you say out loud that you didn't think you were done with children? He's already said that he thinks you will blame him and all the reasons you give are to do with him and not you.

I would not make any quick decisions on this but would try and talk it through with a third party. It seems to me that you don't agree with your husband but won't tell him which is giving him the wrong idea tbh. You need to speak up.

He found the early days with our son very difficult and suffered badly with depression due to sleeplessness (although he did not get up much to help) and the change in our relationship (basically, he was very upset that I did not feel very sexy and was not really interested in sex). He was not very emotionally or practically supportive of me in those first weeks/months and I did not have the energy or emotional capacity to take care of him as well as looking after our tiny baby, struggling with breastfeeding, and recovering from c-section. He refused to seek help for his low mood and we have argued about this many times.

Replace 'birth of first child' with bereavement, redundancy, financial problems or health issues and you might as well be looking into a crystal ball. It's interesting that he's focusing on the lack of sex (totally normal with a young baby) and ignoring his attitude and unwillingness to help you or himself. Unless he addresses this then this scenario is going to keep playing out throughout your lives until the logical conclusion- splitting up. Your post was very focused on him, what he thinks, what he wants- there's very little evidence of him thinking about you, or what he could to improve the situation other than 'removing' the latest stressor.

So I wholeheartedly agree with the other PP's that say do not end this pregnancy to save your marriage- to save it you'd need his input and it doesn't sound like that's something he's willing to provide.

Few people choose to have that sort of gap, but it's often a blessing down the line. It looks like you're looking after two kids already tbh.

Your relationship won't survive the resentment of not having another child and of having a termination. They are two massive burdens.
Your DH sounds like a man-child. He may suddenly grow up and adjust to being a parent and partner. Or he may not. I don't think having another child will impact on his ability to be an adult. He's either capable of it or he isn't.
I think it would be unwise to have an abortion when you are feeling pressured. I'd suggest counselling to help you to feel confident in your own decision about this pregnancy (but I would go on your own - not with your DH).
Wishing you peace with whatever decision you make

I agree with the other posters about doing what is right for you. How will you feel if you get rid of the baby knowing that you had wanted more? You need to think about this. Also I think you will resent your husband if you have a termination and that will affect your relationship too. A hard decision to make. Thinking of you x

I really feel for you but please please, have this baby.

It is clear you want a second baby and this may be your last chance if you struggled to conceive before.

I appreciate your husband didn't want two kids, however he had sex with you. This is his doing as much as yours. It was not you alone who got pregnant and a termination should not be something you are pressured into. That would cause you great heartache.... you will most likely never forgive him for your loss. And it will be a huge loss. You will resent him and really never want to have sex with him again anyhow.

He is totally unreasonable sulking if you don't want to have sex after having a baby. He is being very selfish and that's why I feel
for you.

If there is the possibility to will break up due to 2nd pregnancy, then again I feel for you going alone and maybe you will decide to terminate rather than be a single mum. I suspect you will be happier a single mum of two lovely kids, than married with one kid.

Good luck.

Don't underestimate the psychological damage of having a termination when you feel pressured to have one. The what ifs and if onlys when your first gets older.

Sounds like you need to get rid of your husband not your baby. My friend had a termination because her husband didn't want to have another and to be honest it ruined their marriage. She resented him for making her go through it.

Keep your baby and get rid of the husband.

Op it sounds like you are in an emotionally abusive relationship, I think whilst you have a bit of time maybe talk to Womans Aid etc about your DH's behaviour and get your head around that.

You need to think about what you want and by the sounds of it you want this baby. Whether your DH sticks around for it or whether you decide to leave him is a seperate issue altogether.

Don't do it. I had similar problems with dh and had my tubes tied. Believe me, you are better off keeping the baby and losing the man. You never know, he might grow up and be a man in the face of your determination.

Why wasn't he taking care of his own contraception if he was so determined not to have another?

Keep the baby. Dumb your husband. Your post makes it look like you will regret having a termination one day, husband or no husband.

I don't know what I do do in your situation because I am not you. The most important thing is that this is your decision and whatever decision you make is fine.

I have been in the position of becoming pregnant and my husband wanting me to terminate. As it turned out, once he realised how devastated I was by this, he changed his mind, and he adores ds3 and is glad we have him. But he isn't the man your husband sounds to be.

If your sole reason for termination would be to continue your relationship with your husband, a man who believes your main focus at present should be on your sex life, then I'd think very, very carefully about this. There are no guarantees your marriage will survive either way. Do you want to be with a man who prioritises his sexual wants over everything else? If you terminate and regret it or otherwise suffer emotionally, what support will he give you?

Absolutely no contest imo. My children come first...always...before anyone. In your situation i would absolutely keep the baby and lose DH if he couldn't pull his drawers up be a man about it. The day that they manage to squeeze a baby out of their smallest orifice...then they can come and have a chat about how appealing sex is

I'd definitely keep the baby but that is influenced by me having two close in age. When they were little, everything (including marriage) was caving in. But now they are so close and play together all the time. They fiercely protect each other. The elder has been bullied and the younger (girl) has stood up to male bullies bigger than her at school to defend her older brother! My eldest doesn't remember the time before the youngest was born as they were essentially babies together.

Your husband needs to see the bigger picture. The early years are bloody tough and it isn't helped media portraying new mums as sex kittens having having snapped back and the baby being angelic with no difficulties.

Your relationship is not going to survive the termination either. So it becomes down to what you want and can cope with.

I would keep the baby and tell him he either grows up or fucks off, and I would mean it

This.

No-one here can decide whether you should or shouldn't terminate. That has to be your decision.

Your husband sounds like an absolute wanker. But, again, only you can decide if you're prepared to tolerate a partner who values his sex life more than your physical and emotional wellbeing.

what alltouchedout said.

Thank you all. I can't reply properly now as baby is causing havoc (just learned to crawl...) but I am overwhelmed with the number of people bothering to take time to reply. Thank you. I'll be back later.

Terminate the marriage. A small age gap can be quite hard work but it sounds like you want two and frankly if he's not helping you're basically a single parent anyway

Your relationship isn't going to last whatever you choose to do so remove him from your decision.