...about a 'delicate' friend?

[Nettletheelf]

I'm part of a group of six who have been friends for more than twenty years. We're all women in our forties.

We live in different parts of the country and go on holiday together twice a year: city breaks, spa breaks, that sort of thing.

One of our number (who I'm less friendly with than the others, but whom I still like) regards herself as 'delicate'. She has never been diagnosed with any health problems, but her delicacy manifests itself as follows:

• nights out have to be curtailed early because she 'gets tired easily' and can't go back to the hotel or airBnB on her own.

• many restaurant and cafe options are rejected because she has a delicate digestion and the menu doesn't suit it.

• when we find a restaurant or cafe that fits the specification, she has to choose the best chair because of her delicate joints.

• when we order wine in a restaurant, she won't have the same as everybody else because whatever everybody else likes somehow upsets her delicate stomach.

• says that she never sleeps in hotels or unfamiliar bedrooms, so everybody has to walk slowly in the morning because she is exhausted.

We've just returned from a trip, so I'm more irritated than I'd normally be. What I don't get is how she manages to take so many people in. Am I the unreasonable one? There's nothing medically wrong with the woman.

After a long-ish day out on our most recent trip, we decided to sit on the balcony and have a glass of wine. Delicate friend decided that she was going straight to bed because she was tired through not sleeping in unfamiliar beds, etc. After she said goodnight, one of the other members of the group said, "X has done well today hasn't she?"

Me: "Done well how?"

Friend: "well, it's been a long day and it's late for her" (it was 10.30 pm)

Me: "She's a grown up. She can cope with being up until 10.30".

Friend: "but she's a delicate little flower, isn't she?"

Me (laughing): "she's no more delicate than you or I!"

I resent being part of what feels like a ridiculous pantomime in which we're all expected to dance attendance on the dainty, delicate one. I think that cultivating 'delicacy' is a very good way of getting other people to dance to your tune.

Am I right or am I just intolerant?

Luckily I only see this particular friend twice a year. I see the others far more regularly.

I have a cousin like this and I dont think that she realises people think that she is an annoying twat, it would probably really offend her if she did! All she cares about is people fussing over her. She is also one of those people who are never happy unless they are miserable, she draws attention to herself by telling everyone how awful things are, even when you know that they're not. Its not a mindset I can understand tbh but I am fairly sure it is connected to her childhood when she was pretty much ignored by her father in favour of her older brother and by her mother in favour of her younger sister.

I don't see the issue. If she's vetoing restaurants then just veto her choice and go with the majority and she can join you or not. And you don't all have to go back to the accommodation because she's tired? Why are you enabling the behaviour. And what wine she chooses is really none of your business if she's paying her way.

"nights out have to be curtailed early because she 'gets tired easily' and can't go back to the hotel or airBnB on her own."

Tell her to act like a grown woman and take responsibility for herself. There's no reason that the evening has to end for the rest of you.

Radishal, that wasn't aimed at you!

People with real medical conditions usually try their best not to keep on about it and not to spoil other people's enjoyment. When I have had periods of long term illness I'd slip away quietly to bed early if away with friends or family, and not do whole days walking around thus saving a bit of energy for the evening meal get-together.
This woman is attention seeking and your friends are feeding that need.

I am delicate due to an injury and meds. However my friends are endlessly kind and make adjustments for me. But I would never call the tune like this. I'd go home early in a cab, stay in the hotel while the others went out early and catch them up later.

I'd never moan and I thank everyone all the time for their patience. I also make a big effort to be good company and not seen as defined by my health.

She's VU and I'm not sure why any of you tolerate it. Next time just tell her no,mwe won't be going to bed until we feel like it. We will eat in this restaurant one night.

She either falls in or doesn't. Up to her.

You only see her twice a year. Either suck it up, or don't go. Suggest alternative trips away with the friends from the group who you do see regularly so you still get to holiday with them.

Don't worry, TheClaws. Fellow MS sufferer here. I have also noticed something of a sneery tone from some posters.
I try not to let my MS get in other people's way. I tell people I have MS so they have some clue about why I am being "delicate". I make an effort not to be a bore about it.

I had a friend like this and a group holiday basically ended the rest of the group's friendship with her. It was total attention seeking and jealousy and translated into extreme rudeness to new people we met who were trying to be really friendly and accommodating. It was a way to try to isolate one person into being her friend and her friend only.

Radishal

You sound intolerant and mean.

Especially irritating to me as I have a chronic illness too and have a real hatred for people manipulating it - if you want to be ill/in pain so much, please have mine too while I have a laugh.

I worked with someone like that once.
One year she cried because the opening hours/ closing hours/ leave booked plan for the office at Christmas had been printed out in red and green and apparently it hurt her eyes to look at it.

Don't worry, TheClaws. Fellow MS sufferer here. I have also noticed something of a sneery tone from some posters

The lady in question, who this thread is about is not have MS...Why are you making this all about you? I haven't seen anyone on here sneering at MS sufferers...in fact you and TheClaws are the only ones talking about MS.

Does anyone in the group challenge her behaviour op?

I wouldn't go on these holidays anymore. I have little patience for people like this.

She may well have the problems she says she has - could be somatic or physical but either way it's unfair if she makes outings all about her and her restrictions.
It's taken up to now (mid-50') to finally get a diagnosis with a connective tissue disorder, that explains a lot of the pain, dislocations, exhaustion, tendon and joint problems that I've had since I was a kid. It's the most frustrating thing ever to want to do a lot but physically not be able without crappy repercussions. I would take my car so I could drive home when I was tired though and wouldn't expect the evening to end when I'd had enough. The fact that she goes on about her problems all the time yet can do weightlifting regularly is suspicious. Few people with joint problems could hoik weights about with no strain/pain or other things happening.

I can really push myself a do a spell of intense (for me) activity such as looking after DGD for a week but when I get home I am absolutely done in for a week or two. It's sad for your friend if she feels that her health problems define her and that everyones social life is restricted. I'd not expect to have to go home just because she needed to.

Do the people with MS go dancing several times a week or trekking at altitiude like my ex work colleague described above, who claimed that a project we worked on that was on a site that was a bit dirty and involved climbing a few ladders was unreasonably arduous to the extent that she would take sick leave for weeks on end if she had to participate?

People are being 'sneery' because it is pretty fucking obvious what is going on and the person in question is selfish and irritating, not ill.

Nobody with half a brain cell would dream of being sneery at somoeone with MS.

OP has clearly stated that her friend has no such health condition but just likes the world to revolve around her "delicate nature".

Woah, there, Ross. Just talking to a fellow MS sufferer.

Of course they would know if she has MS!

I suspect some are being midchevious and mixing up MS with ME or those comments would make even less sense.

"l'm always puzzled by the 'attention seeking' explanation. Who would really want all their friends, relatives and work colleagues to think of them as an annoying twat?"

I agree with this. She does sound like a massive PITA but there's clearly something to it. Maybe she just wants to be spoilt - in which case, again, there is something behind that. If she is doing it on purpose but can't see that it'smaking her look bad, then that alone suggests a problem with empathy or understanding others.

I would

• ignore the "different wine", she can have what she wants, no fuss made and no attention granted.
• get over the chair thing, who gives a crap?
• tell her to get a taxi home
• if the slow walking bothers you, ask her to set off before the rest of you. Then you can all catch up to her once you have your stuff together, have locked up etc

The restaurant thing sounds annoying - I think I'd be tempted to brush it off with a brisk "don't be silly, look, you can have the soup" if it's really annoying you that day.

Sorry but I'm with the OP. Fair enough if she has an actual health condition. Not ok if she's just using it as a way of getting others in the group to do what she wants.

Yes but these types don't understand that people see them as annoying twats! They have no empathy or understanding of others that's precisely why they are narcissistic and attention seeking.

Met many like this. Best ignored or confronted. Never pander to them it's not fair to them as it makes them worse.

It would irritate me too. But then I went away on a barge for a friend's 30th (about 15 years ago) and one of her friends was allergic to everything. The night it was my turn to cook she wouldn't allow me to add cream so the ham and leeks was really squeaky and not half as nice as it would have been if she'd allowed me to follow the recipe. So a group of 8 had a meal served my me, and they were all about meh about my cooking! then she had a big slice of chocolate cake!!!!!! I was but everybody else sympathised with her dieting and was supporting to the no cream thing. Argh. I also remember a faff wrt sun screen, she could only wear paraben free sun screen and we had to stop the barge and go hunting around some small village for paraben free sun screen. Nobody else minded running around after her and pandering to her whims.