...about a 'delicate' friend?

[Nettletheelf]

I'm part of a group of six who have been friends for more than twenty years. We're all women in our forties.

We live in different parts of the country and go on holiday together twice a year: city breaks, spa breaks, that sort of thing.

One of our number (who I'm less friendly with than the others, but whom I still like) regards herself as 'delicate'. She has never been diagnosed with any health problems, but her delicacy manifests itself as follows:

• nights out have to be curtailed early because she 'gets tired easily' and can't go back to the hotel or airBnB on her own.

• many restaurant and cafe options are rejected because she has a delicate digestion and the menu doesn't suit it.

• when we find a restaurant or cafe that fits the specification, she has to choose the best chair because of her delicate joints.

• when we order wine in a restaurant, she won't have the same as everybody else because whatever everybody else likes somehow upsets her delicate stomach.

• says that she never sleeps in hotels or unfamiliar bedrooms, so everybody has to walk slowly in the morning because she is exhausted.

We've just returned from a trip, so I'm more irritated than I'd normally be. What I don't get is how she manages to take so many people in. Am I the unreasonable one? There's nothing medically wrong with the woman.

After a long-ish day out on our most recent trip, we decided to sit on the balcony and have a glass of wine. Delicate friend decided that she was going straight to bed because she was tired through not sleeping in unfamiliar beds, etc. After she said goodnight, one of the other members of the group said, "X has done well today hasn't she?"

Me: "Done well how?"

Friend: "well, it's been a long day and it's late for her" (it was 10.30 pm)

Me: "She's a grown up. She can cope with being up until 10.30".

Friend: "but she's a delicate little flower, isn't she?"

Me (laughing): "she's no more delicate than you or I!"

I resent being part of what feels like a ridiculous pantomime in which we're all expected to dance attendance on the dainty, delicate one. I think that cultivating 'delicacy' is a very good way of getting other people to dance to your tune.

Am I right or am I just intolerant?

Luckily I only see this particular friend twice a year. I see the others far more regularly.

Good Lord, Ross. I didn't mean everyone is sneering. Some posts are sneery. Some aren't. This is MN.

Brogadoccio - I have a horrible feeling we know the same woman...! Sounds so familiar. Mine would eat that Olvio (sp?) marg at home but squeal 'ewww, spread' if she saw something similar on a friend's counter (who would then have to drive and get butter as penance before the next day's sandwiches).

On a hiking holiday she insisted we wait at a call box while she phoned some people she knew at work for advice on where to go because they were 'proper walkers'. I dunno, we had maps n anoraks n shit, maybe it was the goose stepping that made her dubious

She would be about 45 now and I haven't seen her in 15 years thankfully!

If you have to see her regularly, bon courage

'There are conditions that would explain her needs.'

Yes, she's an idiot.

I went on a group holiday once with a girl like this (though not quite so bad perhaps). We stayed on a lot of sleeper trains, where the beds were stacked 3 high. The top bunk was uncomfortable for all of us, so we took turns. Except this friend refused because it would make her too travel sick.

On one journey, we had to share a cabin (6 to a room, 3 beds stacked on either side) with 2 guys who slept bottom and middle on the other side. The friend insisted this was her turn to sleep on the top, and she'd be able to cope with the travel sickness, rather than sleep opposite the guys. We said no, she sulked a lot.

I'm with you OP. She sounds like a PITA and I don't tolerate that shite well!

There's a lot of people who do want attention on them at all times, even if that attention is in many ways negative, by thinking they are an annoying twat. The "advantage" of using the made up delicate status excuse for everyone's full attention is anyone calling her on it looks like they are the bad guy, because she's "ill" and "doesn't want to be delicate".

Agree she sounds like the sort of person who had an actual diagnosis, she'd be telling you all about it in detail to keep full attention on herself. People like this do.

My Mum is prone to this - if you were to believe her, there's no food in the world she "doesn't like" but there's millions she's "allergic" to. This is complicated by there being a few things she does have slight allergic reactions to (strawberries and red peppers are the two main ones), but generally, any food she doesn't like or is 'new' (like Thai food or something else that's not meat and 2 veg), she will claim she is allergic to, that she won't "risk" eating anything in that restaurant, even if there's dishes that contain nothing she says she's allegic to, in case there's "cross contaimination". But then will happily go to somewhere that is serving foods she likes and at the same time foods she's allergic to without batting an eyelid, it seems Harvester can be trusted to not let the strawberries get anywhere near her pudding, but the Thai place will obviously sneak red peppers in everything...

Even when we do pick somewhere that she can eat (like Harvester!) she can't just order what she wants and knows she can eat, she has to make a point of asking everyone else what they are ordering after she's picked her own, checking it on the menu then telling us how she can't have it. Then the food will arrive and she'll tell us how lucky we are that we can eat 'anything' because she can't have that, any eating out as a family, even going back and re-ordering meals we've all had before at a chain pub, we have to dedicate a significant amount of time discussing what Mum can and can not eat. (or rather, will not eat.)

It's annoying, but it makes a big portion of any meal out all about her.

OP -your friend has just taken this to another level! I'd stop pandering.

l'm always puzzled by the 'attention seeking' explanation. Who would really want all their friends, relatives and work colleagues to think of them as an annoying twat?

Totally agree with this - as a PP said though, people don't realise everyone thinks they're a twat. They just care about getting their own way.

I have a friend whom I completely adore, but I lived with her for a year and I so desperately wish I hadn't because I can now never un-know the horribly unattractive manipulations she'll go to to get her own selfish way. We lived with two others who were very easygoing and just wanted a quiet life, so they gave in to her and it took for me to dig my heels in. I always remember when we moved in and she wanted the lovely big room, which, well, of course she did, it was the best room! But when I suggested we flip for it she had the most unattractive tantrum I've ever seen. "I won't be happy unless I get that room!" I realised she was going to get it because she was willing to be a spoilt bitch play dirty to get it and I wasn't, but I only backed down when she agreed to pay a larger share of rent for the larger room. I was only willing to give it to her if she made a grownup argument for getting it, not because she stamped her feet and whinged. She was the same with paying her share of council tax, although her outgoings on lunches and nights out and things was about 30 times what the rest of us spent.

Like I say I do love her to bits but I wish I didn't know that side of her.

When I moved out another friend took my room, he is the most no-nonsense person I've ever met, he called her on the council tax thing and she caved instantly and sent a weepy apology to the other housemates Made me wonder why I let resentment breed and didn't stand up to her like that! That's how they get away with it though, they rely on everyone else being outwardly accommodating and don't trouble themselves wondering what everyone is thinking / saying behind their back.

Yanbu she sounds like an attention seeking idiot. People with genuine issues tend to be more considerate and thoughtful and would most likely try to make the least amount of fuss. This woman shouldn't really go anywhere then in case she falls apart.

There's also competitive delicacy. My step mother has some health issues which impinge on food choices etc. My mum always has to say 'yes I don't want that either' or pointedly not eat the food item in question.

Brogadoccio - no I don't see her anymore, the group one by once made their distance and most of us reformed without her. Every year or two another would come into the fold and tentative very bring up the subject of her behaviour and we'd all go 'fuck yeah' and pur another one.

Mine would be in the 45ish area too (bit older) name starting C

Pour!

Jesus, there is not one woman in my social group that would pur. About anything

I think I have a remarkably similar friend. With her, it is all about food intolerance. Over the last 15 years she has, at various times, been intolerant of red meat, citrus, dairy, gluten and shellfish. None of these have ever been diagnosed by a medical professional and they come and go. Every time we go out, the choice of restaurant has to be hers or if someone is hosting, she sets the menu. I'm sorry but it is just a selfish need to control activities and it has resulted in her not being invited to events which she finds terribly upsetting. I don't think she can connect her own actions with their consequences.

And I know I sound like a cow. This is an anonymous forum so it is an opportunity to say it. I have never said a word to her and I never will, but it is wearing.

I don't sleep well in hotels so I either neck a valium or have extra coffee in the morning. I sure as hell don't expect others to pander to my non condition.

Food intolerances! Of course, how could I forget!

Mine was coeliac. Until she got over it and isn't anymore. Also was allergic to detergent so couldn't do washing up. Me bringing some marigolds to the holiday house 'wasn't helpful' apparently

Blueskyrain can I just ask, about your friend and the top bunk.

Did she want to sleep on the top with the guys so they couldn't see her on the opposite side? I don't really get it!

I suppose I wonder why she puts herself through the weekends away with you.

I'm slightly like your friend; have real food intolerances (medical) and rarely sleep well in strange beds. My friends have been known to chose X cafe over Y due to my food restrictions. But I don't make a fuss- there is usually something I could eat almost anywhere.

I'd think nothing wrong in saying I needed an early night if away with friends.

I'd not expect others in a group to change their behaviour though.

I think this is such a subjective post OP. You sound irritated by her, but I wonder if you are exaggerating how she behaves because you don't like her? You have put your slant on her behaviour. It may not be as bad as you say. eg if she wants to order her own wine, what's the issue? if she pays for it.

Mine would say "can we not go anywhere they serve spicy food". And she meant that, not "can we go somewhere they serve some food that isn't spicy".

But Polly - the OP's friend does expect everyone to change the holiday to suit her needs, she wants an early night so she expects everyone else to go back to the hotel when she wants, not just go on her own. She doesn't just find somethign she can eat in a restaurant, she wants to always pick a restaurant. I can see why she likes going away with them, they do let her always have the group holiday exactly as she would like.

Also who could forget Hard Work Hazel, who marched us from one end of the Royal Mile to another in hot weather to find a bar that a) allowed smoking but b) had no doors open to allow wasps in.

The rest of us were non smokers. Hazel if you're out there, go fuck yourself and your tobacco fuelled wasp phobia.

flame proof suit on, but even if there is an "explanation" for fussy behaviour like ASD or social anxiety, I'm not interested in dealing with it or having the person in my life beyond where absolutely necessary.

Ive had two (ex) friends with similar issues. I had to act like their mother and pander to them or the crying/ freak-out/ meltdown would happen.

When I tried to drift way, they pursued me claiming I was a bad friend and heartless and obsessed with "getting in with cooler people " and owed it to them to look after them. My life is so much better without them in it.

If they wanted to have a normal social life, they needed to make compromises.

Hi Polly, I think you've nailed it there, some others up thread have said it too. It's not so much the feeling delicate that's the problem but the insistence that everyone does the same.

Us grown ups go to bed when we feel like it and on our own. If we're a bit crap in the mornings say to our friends 'I'll catch up with yous 11ish'.

I'd not expect others in a group to change their behaviour though

But the OPs friend is expecting them to return to the accomodation early, eat in different restaurants, walk slowly to accommodate her exhaustion, sit in different seats and listen to her generally dramatic moaning about it all.

That's the difference. No-ones moaning about people who go back alone, or eat plain chicken and chips at the curry house because they can't eat spicy food, or just cheerfully make the best of the situation.

Pigeon - my mum is like that, she can't just pick something she could eat from where everyone else wants to go, she will only eat somewhere that served the food she liked the most.

Morris zap - HA! That's made my day!