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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...about a 'delicate' friend?

428 replies

Nettletheelf · 30/05/2017 10:53

I'm part of a group of six who have been friends for more than twenty years. We're all women in our forties.

We live in different parts of the country and go on holiday together twice a year: city breaks, spa breaks, that sort of thing.

One of our number (who I'm less friendly with than the others, but whom I still like) regards herself as 'delicate'. She has never been diagnosed with any health problems, but her delicacy manifests itself as follows:

  • nights out have to be curtailed early because she 'gets tired easily' and can't go back to the hotel or airBnB on her own.
  • many restaurant and cafe options are rejected because she has a delicate digestion and the menu doesn't suit it.
  • when we find a restaurant or cafe that fits the specification, she has to choose the best chair because of her delicate joints.
  • when we order wine in a restaurant, she won't have the same as everybody else because whatever everybody else likes somehow upsets her delicate stomach.
  • says that she never sleeps in hotels or unfamiliar bedrooms, so everybody has to walk slowly in the morning because she is exhausted.

We've just returned from a trip, so I'm more irritated than I'd normally be. What I don't get is how she manages to take so many people in. Am I the unreasonable one? There's nothing medically wrong with the woman.

After a long-ish day out on our most recent trip, we decided to sit on the balcony and have a glass of wine. Delicate friend decided that she was going straight to bed because she was tired through not sleeping in unfamiliar beds, etc. After she said goodnight, one of the other members of the group said, "X has done well today hasn't she?"

Me: "Done well how?"

Friend: "well, it's been a long day and it's late for her" (it was 10.30 pm)

Me: "She's a grown up. She can cope with being up until 10.30".

Friend: "but she's a delicate little flower, isn't she?"

Me (laughing): "she's no more delicate than you or I!"

I resent being part of what feels like a ridiculous pantomime in which we're all expected to dance attendance on the dainty, delicate one. I think that cultivating 'delicacy' is a very good way of getting other people to dance to your tune.

Am I right or am I just intolerant?

Luckily I only see this particular friend twice a year. I see the others far more regularly.

OP posts:
nokidshere · 30/05/2017 11:19

What I never get with this sort of post Is how you can be friends with someone for 20 years and not be able to ask?

I "suffer" with stuff! Chronic arthritis, back and foot pain, exhaustion. My friends all know and talk about me!! They go places they know I can manage, they carry shopping/cups of tea for me etc etc they ask about treatments and sympathise when it gets bad.

How can you be friends for 20 yrs and not know? Or not ask? Sorry but that doesn't sound like friendship to me!

Dawndonnaagain · 30/05/2017 11:19

Do you really think on a trip away someone would up and go to bed at 10:30 if they were having a great time just to make people think they were delicate rather than something actually being wrong with them?
I have a mother who would do exactly this. She has been known to eat prawns (to which she is allergic) when holidaying to ensure that she is the centre of attention and that the holiday itself won't detract from that.

AnnetteCurtains · 30/05/2017 11:20

I think if I only saw her twice a year I would try to ignore it

hollieberrie · 30/05/2017 11:20

I'm a bit delicate and always have been (small, emotional, bit sickly, bad immune system) BUT i always keep it to myself and try not to inconvenience others e.g. i dont go on weekends with a lot of walking, i drive to nights out so i can leave when i want, i don't usually sleep over because i never sleep well Blush but again i always drive or get the last tube so it doesnt impact on anyone else's plans.
If shes delicate i get it but yanbu to think its very annoying if its making everyone else have to adapt all the time.

OfficerVanHalen · 30/05/2017 11:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LauraMoon · 30/05/2017 11:21

My SIL is a bit like this. She makes every single occasion about her. She'll 'have a migraine' (but won't leave the party), she had a testy, snotty meltdown at MY wedding which meant I had to spend an hour outside comforting her (I wasn't as wise to it then).

We went to a big group picnic recently and she pretended her chair fell over with her in it, everyone fussed around her. I was sitting on the floor about three feet away and saw her launch herself backwards.

I think most people are wise to it tbh but just don't say anything for an easy life.

honeyroar · 30/05/2017 11:22

I can see your point. I'd be ringing a cab for her if she wanted to go back early, "so those that want to stay out can.."

I just went on a girl's trip with ten other girls. We stayed at a travelodge, so everyone could have their own room (and therefore space!) cheaply, and we had three cars, so each car left for the event we were attending (Royal Windsor horse show) at different times - some wanted a lie in, some wanted to get there early.. We all then met up for coffees etc at certain times. Everybody was laid back and happy. No drama queens.

jarhead123 · 30/05/2017 11:23

She sounds like an attention seeking drama queen! YANBU

JaneEyre70 · 30/05/2017 11:23

Is it all invented so she has something to talk about or makes herself the centre of attention through? She could be very lonely or very lacking in social skills but equally it sounds very draining. Perhaps you need to chat to the others to say that you find her issues are a little wearing at times although she's lovely and perhaps you all need to stop showing so much interest in her "delicacies".

SleightOfHand · 30/05/2017 11:23

Sounds like a master manipulator. The thing is, if the majority of the group is ok with it then what can you do. What do the others think?

becausebecausebecause · 30/05/2017 11:25

YANBU What a self absorbed pain in the ass DLF sounds. Why on earth should the entire group return to the hotel if she is tired?

Rachel0Greep · 30/05/2017 11:25

she has to choose the best chair because of her delicate joints.

Sorry this line made me Grin.
I don't know, OP, I think it would annoy me a bit too, tbh. For the sake of twice a year, I would probably put up with it though.

2ducks2ducklings · 30/05/2017 11:25

While the op may not know if this person has medical issues or not, I find i have significantly less sympathy for those who constantly remind people of how unwell/delicate they are.
But I'm a heartless cow anyway!

bbismad · 30/05/2017 11:26

It's difficult...she may be an attention seeker but then again she may have some underlying medical problems, perhaps mental health issues.

The fact is, she may very well suffer with all those things...it's the fact that she expects people to change things and plans for her. I think you'll find it difficult to change the culture of your group though, you might need to start holidaying elsewhere because it will get worse!

Radishal · 30/05/2017 11:26

So don't meet up with her. Why are you meeting up with her if she annoys you. Other than having a great opportunity to bitch to your other friends and to randoms on MN about it.

harshbuttrue1980 · 30/05/2017 11:28

I get tired very easily, as I have anxiety disorder and I am on medication which makes me tired. However, it is totally selfish and unreasonable of her to expect everyone to cut their night short because of her. When I go for a night out, I make sure I can get myself there and back when I need to (usually by driving).

ijustwannadance · 30/05/2017 11:29

Delicate joints don't go dancing 3 nights a week.

CloudPerson · 30/05/2017 11:30

There are conditions that would explain her needs.
TBH it just goes to show that some people are very intolerant of anyone being less than robust.
It's twice a year, if it bothers you that much then don't go.

OnionKnight · 30/05/2017 11:35

She sounds like a pain in the arse.

rainbowpie · 30/05/2017 11:36

Massive PITA. YANBU. I'd have stopped inviting her.

OfficerVanHalen · 30/05/2017 11:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ElinoristhenewEnid · 30/05/2017 11:39

I worked with someone who was a 'sensitive' soul and we were expected to tip toe around her and allow her to get her own way eg what work she was given to do, annual leave requests, social event venues to name a few- if we did not pander to her whims she would have major upsets crying for 2 days with other people running around trying to 'support' her. Her refrain was always 'you know that I am just so sensitive about things.'
Some wise person told me that the real meaning of 'sensitive' in this case is 'selfish' - she wanted her own way and would get upset until she got it.
Your friend would irritate me no end and I am known as a very compassionate soul but I cannot bear attention seekers and manipulators and I can spot them a mile off.

If she struggles to sleep in unfamiliar surroundings then don't stay over!

dworky · 30/05/2017 11:39

She could be an attention seeker or she could simply be delicate - some people are, just as some are very robust.

Anothernewnn · 30/05/2017 11:41

If she is that awful though she wouldn't have so many people willing to "dance to her tune".

She must have some good qualities otherwise she'd have no friends

TheClaws · 30/05/2017 11:41

Trust me, WE WOULD KNOW if she had ever been diagnosed with a health problem...When she has had a medical procedure, we hear about it in remorseless detail.

Apart from the foot problem, how does this work then? How can she have medical procedures with no health problems?