...about a 'delicate' friend?

[Nettletheelf]

I'm part of a group of six who have been friends for more than twenty years. We're all women in our forties.

We live in different parts of the country and go on holiday together twice a year: city breaks, spa breaks, that sort of thing.

One of our number (who I'm less friendly with than the others, but whom I still like) regards herself as 'delicate'. She has never been diagnosed with any health problems, but her delicacy manifests itself as follows:

• nights out have to be curtailed early because she 'gets tired easily' and can't go back to the hotel or airBnB on her own.

• many restaurant and cafe options are rejected because she has a delicate digestion and the menu doesn't suit it.

• when we find a restaurant or cafe that fits the specification, she has to choose the best chair because of her delicate joints.

• when we order wine in a restaurant, she won't have the same as everybody else because whatever everybody else likes somehow upsets her delicate stomach.

• says that she never sleeps in hotels or unfamiliar bedrooms, so everybody has to walk slowly in the morning because she is exhausted.

We've just returned from a trip, so I'm more irritated than I'd normally be. What I don't get is how she manages to take so many people in. Am I the unreasonable one? There's nothing medically wrong with the woman.

After a long-ish day out on our most recent trip, we decided to sit on the balcony and have a glass of wine. Delicate friend decided that she was going straight to bed because she was tired through not sleeping in unfamiliar beds, etc. After she said goodnight, one of the other members of the group said, "X has done well today hasn't she?"

Me: "Done well how?"

Friend: "well, it's been a long day and it's late for her" (it was 10.30 pm)

Me: "She's a grown up. She can cope with being up until 10.30".

Friend: "but she's a delicate little flower, isn't she?"

Me (laughing): "she's no more delicate than you or I!"

I resent being part of what feels like a ridiculous pantomime in which we're all expected to dance attendance on the dainty, delicate one. I think that cultivating 'delicacy' is a very good way of getting other people to dance to your tune.

Am I right or am I just intolerant?

Luckily I only see this particular friend twice a year. I see the others far more regularly.

if you're not as close to her as some of the others she might well have a problem she doesn't want to share with you.

I agree with this. She wouldn't share the reasons with anyone she didn't totally trust to understand.

It would drive me nuts too op.

The thing is, if it was just one or two of those things (ie couple of food intolerances plus gets easily tired and needs to go to bed early) then it would probably be easier to be sympathetic. Especially if she was a bit more independent (say, prepared to go home on her own).

The fact she seems to be able to produce a specific 'delicacy' issue at every available opportunity AND demand that everyone go home early when she's tired 'because she can't go alone' suggests she's either milking it or has some kind of genuine social anxiety / mental health issue.

I had a work colleague who would do similar and tbh I just had to distance myself. Even though I suspect it was due to some kind of genuine mental health anxiety in her case. I am just not tolerant or gentle enough in those scenarios so I figure it's better to distance myself than cause harm by being visibly irritated.

I find that sort of behaviour very boring. For every delicate 'Oh I can't eat/sit/sleep' there person, there's someone who behaves normally and you only find out years later they have chronic illnesses which they keep quiet about because they don't think anyone would be interested. Professionally ill people are attention seekers.

She is not delicate, she is a snowflake.

I have a friend who indeed has a bowel condition and without fail for years used to request the biggest and best bedroom on holiday because it had an ensuite and she needed it. I always gave in even though the second bathroom that came with the other much smaller bedroom was for the second bedroom's exclusive use.

Until she bought a new house with just one bathroom, on a different floor to her bedroom.

That year we got the big bedroom with the Super King bed and the en-suite with the double shower, best air conditioning and walk in wardrobe.

Hmm. I'm a bit of an awkward friend sometimes I think. Though I do have various actual diagnosed issues that cause problems and interact with one another to make me easily tired/anxious.

Mind you I would never ever ever expect people to change plans or arrange things around me. I will always find something I can eat, and if I knacker out I am very happy to leave the rest of them to it and go back to the hotel alone. I also sleep badly but always have earplugs and an eye mask on hand so I'm not stopping other people enjoying themselves or staying up later than me.

I have sympathy for sensitive people. I am one myself but then I do try desperately to 'fit in' and not make any fuss! There are so many possible explanations for her behaviour, like reassurance seeking perhaps? Needing to know she is looked after. Have you got any idea if her upbringing was ok?

Otherwise yes she could very well just be a high maintenance person who doesn't know how to cope with discomfort.

You probably have a better idea than us as you know her!

I have MS. I tell everyone because it affects what I am able to do intermittently and I can never stay up late which must be a bore for everyone. This weekend I climbed a tree with my dd. The day after, I wasn't able to do much at all.
I know people with MS who don't tell anyone anything. Shrug it off, op, and stop bitching about it.

God-my DH hd a friend who was like that. Every time we saw her-she managed to turn the weekend all around to her and what she wanted to do and why. She didn't like pubs as they were loud and prefered to go to restaurants-ok, fine. Only she didn't like curry, Chinese or Italian as they upset her stomach so voices were limited.

She has worse morning sickness than anyone else had ever had, she said she had a bad back that meant she needed the best chair wherever we went and HAD to sit in the front passenger seat of the car of whoever was driving.

They didn't seem to have many other friends so we saw them a lot for a few years, but it drove me mad. We don't see them any more!!

She sounds like a pain in the neck. I know someone like this too, has to be the centre of attention, everything has to revolve around her and be done to suit her preferences and she likes to think of herself as delicate and fragile, which has been reinforced by her parents since she was a child.

You are nicer than me op. We have a friend like this who is a millionaire and has one child, nanny cleaner etc. On girls trips she tries this crap on because she's spoilt and attention seeking from a dh who is immune to her whinging.

You know what we like her she's a laugh but you have to put her in her box as soon as she starts and then she remembers she can't get away with that crap with our group. She has many groups who indulge her but not us.

Last trip she asked me to pull her massive case as she was too tired. She's a strapping lass and 5 foot 7 who weight trains. I am 5 foot and 8 stone obviously I told her to fuck off and to be fair to her she has a laugh and then is fine.

You have to tease these types out of this bollocks. Our mate actually prefers seeing us and I bet if you all joined together to stop this behaviour she would enjoy your trips more.

Perhaps she is trying to attract attention, perhaps she simply has different habits and is not as resistant as the rest of you.

That said, I don't see why you should change your plans for her. If she wants to have an early night, it's perfectly OK - surely she can get a taxi to the hotel? If her stomach is easily upset, there are always milder options - even in an Indian restaurant, she can order some plain rice or something similar.

I don't think she needs that much accommodating - she's not an invalid.

I don't know why your group don't just ignore her wishes? Does she start to cry or have a tantrum if you don't play along?

I can never stay up late which must be a bore for everyone

Why would that be a bore for anyone except for you though?? Unless you make everyone come home/go to bed early with you?

Maybe you should vote. The majority override the minority. Simples!

The U behaviour is seeking to change others' plans: if she can't eat in the preferred restaurant(s) she should skip that bit. If she wishes to leave early she should do so alone and stay at the accommodation alone. The rest of the friends are pandering.

Yanbu. It's manipulation. Would it help you to think of it as learned behaviour in response to not having needs met, or feeling able to ask for needs to be met.

If it's just a group activity, just tune her out and don't allow her to control what you do. Offer taxi, stay out if you want to stay out. Walk at the speed you want to walk. Don't get involved in conversations about what she can't have. Just don't notice and don't engage in conversations focused on what she can or can't do. Usually in groups of friends there's room to accommodate differences. We went away with a group of friends recently and one was scared of Everything :) so we did a combo of jollying on, but also didn't insist we all needed to do everything together.

I never ask people to stop partying just because I have to. But it must be a bore for people when I either refuse invitations or bail out early.

YANBU

She sounds like a manipulative attention seeker. It would drive me absolutely bonkers. There's no way I'd be pandering to her crap.

l'm always puzzled by the 'attention seeking' explanation. Who would really want all their friends, relatives and work colleagues to think of them as an annoying twat?

Only she didn't like curry, Chinese or Italian as they upset her stomach

Bollocks. Just about every restaurant that exists sells something extremely dull involving chicken, chips, rice, omelette etc. No-one should expect everyone else to pander to their tastes all the time.

I'm sorry but I couldn't be doing with one member of a group of 6 ALWAYS getting to dictate the terms of how a holiday goes. She should do you all a favour and stay at home.

Reow, I suppose I'm a bit "delicate" too. I have MS and get tired easily. I can't walk long distances and yes, wine does give me migraines (that isn't the MS though). However I don't go on group holidays, I don't talk about my illnesses to other people (as that is boring and self-centred), and I don't expect anyone to change their plans to accomodate me.

That said, the sneery attitude on this thread is a bit upsetting to read.

My friend who behaves like this has social anxiety. It doesn't actually make it any less irritating but you have to force yourself to empathise, because she's not enjoying it either. But then your friend might just be irritating, in which case you just have to laugh at her.

YANBU, she sounds a right pita. Why is she allowed to dictate over the whole weekend/trip away? I'd bet there's others in the group just as annoyed as you but too afraid to speak up.

Agree, TheClaws. The sneering is a bit off.

Is she very slim? I think that some women are very determined to be slim and this takes priority over everything else - so they are always at least a bit hungry, sometimes extremely - which means they can't cope with broken sleep, unsuitable food, not-ideal seating, late nights, etc. I would be like this if I were determined to be a size 10. most of us eat a roll, have another coffee or another drink, and get the hell on with it

To be fair, she probably does genuinely feel all this. What might not be apparent to her is that everyone else manages discomfort without impacting the group. The other 5 of you need to start kindly putting your foot down about things like her going back to bed on her own if no one else is tired, going to not-ideal-for-her restaurants as they will surely be able to make one dish she can eat, etc.