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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...about a 'delicate' friend?

428 replies

Nettletheelf · 30/05/2017 10:53

I'm part of a group of six who have been friends for more than twenty years. We're all women in our forties.

We live in different parts of the country and go on holiday together twice a year: city breaks, spa breaks, that sort of thing.

One of our number (who I'm less friendly with than the others, but whom I still like) regards herself as 'delicate'. She has never been diagnosed with any health problems, but her delicacy manifests itself as follows:

  • nights out have to be curtailed early because she 'gets tired easily' and can't go back to the hotel or airBnB on her own.
  • many restaurant and cafe options are rejected because she has a delicate digestion and the menu doesn't suit it.
  • when we find a restaurant or cafe that fits the specification, she has to choose the best chair because of her delicate joints.
  • when we order wine in a restaurant, she won't have the same as everybody else because whatever everybody else likes somehow upsets her delicate stomach.
  • says that she never sleeps in hotels or unfamiliar bedrooms, so everybody has to walk slowly in the morning because she is exhausted.

We've just returned from a trip, so I'm more irritated than I'd normally be. What I don't get is how she manages to take so many people in. Am I the unreasonable one? There's nothing medically wrong with the woman.

After a long-ish day out on our most recent trip, we decided to sit on the balcony and have a glass of wine. Delicate friend decided that she was going straight to bed because she was tired through not sleeping in unfamiliar beds, etc. After she said goodnight, one of the other members of the group said, "X has done well today hasn't she?"

Me: "Done well how?"

Friend: "well, it's been a long day and it's late for her" (it was 10.30 pm)

Me: "She's a grown up. She can cope with being up until 10.30".

Friend: "but she's a delicate little flower, isn't she?"

Me (laughing): "she's no more delicate than you or I!"

I resent being part of what feels like a ridiculous pantomime in which we're all expected to dance attendance on the dainty, delicate one. I think that cultivating 'delicacy' is a very good way of getting other people to dance to your tune.

Am I right or am I just intolerant?

Luckily I only see this particular friend twice a year. I see the others far more regularly.

OP posts:
Radishal · 31/05/2017 13:27

Haven't seen anyone insist she has an invisible illness. Have suggested people are not so quick to rush to judgment about people who are a PITA.
The person described in the OP sounds like a PITA.

Blueskyrain · 31/05/2017 13:29

snowqu33n, it's the inability to get a taxi back by herself also a symptom?

Radishal · 31/05/2017 13:33

Outside possibility she is scared of traveling in a strange place on her own? Might be totally unreasonable if her but that's how she is.

snowqu33n · 31/05/2017 13:33

The OP later posted that she wasn't sure if the friend insisted or if it was the 'panderers' who insisted that the friend didn't get a taxi on her own in a foreign city. Maybe the others wanted to call it a night, too.

pigeondujour · 31/05/2017 13:37

Why oh why does the OPs friend get pandered to? Why do some people get away with this?

I suppose because people, especially women, are concerned with being 'nice', especially where illness is concerned - and that's often to not risk being othered themselves. It's the groupthink thing; I bet all of the group to a greater or lesser extent have felt the same way as she does, and if she mentioned it to someone it might gather legs as it would legitimise whoever she said it to feeling that way and so on. It is infuriating how some people get away with murder though, you're right.

PeanutButterJellyTimeforTea · 31/05/2017 13:48

Have suggested people are not so quick to rush to judgment about people who are a PITA

OP has known her friend for years. How much more time do you think she should take to decide that she is a pain in the arse?

For the last time, yes we all know that some people have a hidden reason for being a pain in the arse, but quite often people are simply a pain in the arse, and those are the people we are talking about.
It couldn't be any clearer.

Radishal · 31/05/2017 13:52

Didn't say the person that Op is talking about wasn't a PITA.
And if you can tell everything about everyone you know, even the ones you have known for ages, you are pretty rare.

PeanutButterJellyTimeforTea · 31/05/2017 13:54

You don't need to tell everything, all you need to know is that she lies to get her way.
Why are you so determined to make this to be about a hidden illness that OPs friend doesn't have? It's obviously touched a nerve for you, but this isn't about you.

Radishal · 31/05/2017 13:58

I don't think it's a hidden illness in op's case. But I don't know the person or the group dynamic. I'm making the wider point that you can't always tell.

PainCanBeBeautiful · 31/05/2017 13:59

Ok so you agree that the particular person we are talking about is being a pain in the arse, yet you still want to argue the fact she might have an invisible illness. Do you enjoy contradicting yourself?

PeanutButterJellyTimeforTea · 31/05/2017 14:00

I don't think it's a hidden illness in op's case

Then maybe you could shut the hell up and stop derailing the thread on purpose, if you know your repeated points have nothing at all to do with the matter at hand?

Radishal · 31/05/2017 14:01

Don't see the contradiction in what I am saying. Some people are a pain in the arse. Walk away from them if you don't like it. You can't always tell why and you don't have to if it bugs you too much. As it seems to do the OP.

pigeondujour · 31/05/2017 14:09

Walk away from them if you don't like it.

Why should she?! Why can't her mate NOT be a pain in the arse?

KatyBerry · 31/05/2017 14:10

Sounds to me a lot like someone who has a very demanding job (travelling wtih that regularity is tiring) and social life, who then wants to relax when they go on holiday.

I have a number of friends who make a virtue of lateness & think that a night out isn't a night out if it finishes before 3am. They have rather fewer daytime obligations in the week to get through than me, and the thought of staying up drinking until 3am is my idea of hell these days.

she's a pain in the arse for sure, but just sounds like incompatibility in expectations for much of it.

TheStoic · 31/05/2017 14:11

Why can't her mate NOT be a pain in the arse?

Because that is not going to happen?

The OP only has two options: put up with it, or stop socialising with her. It's not rocket science.

PainCanBeBeautiful · 31/05/2017 14:13

How can the op walk away if ta a group holiday? Is she meant to lose a group of friends because one is a twat?

pigeondujour · 31/05/2017 14:14

Nah, fuck that. My mate who behaved like this being an irritating bastard 100% wasn't going to make me stop going on holiday and having fun with my mates. Nor should the OP's.

TheStoic · 31/05/2017 14:15

How can the op walk away if ta a group holiday? Is she meant to lose a group of friends because one is a twat?

Yes. If it's that annoying and she can't bear it, that is her only option.

PainCanBeBeautiful · 31/05/2017 14:19

Sad isn't it that twats continue to et their way.

I suggest to the op, grow some balls and tell her how you feel. It may feel awkward at first but at least she knows where you stand.

pigeondujour · 31/05/2017 14:20

No it fucking isn't, don't be so ridiculous. Nobody would ever have any mates if they ditched every group that had an unbearable twat in it.

snowqu33n · 31/05/2017 15:04

...Hmm or maybe they would have other mates that they got along with better and everyone would be happier. Almost like if I were to ditch this thread...Grin

Anothernewnn · 31/05/2017 15:05

Sounds as though the other friends (bar one, plus op) like this person and therefore make sure she's happy and looked after.

If OP (and other eye rolling friend) don't like it, they have 2 choices. Suck it up for the sake of keeping peace with the group or leave and do their own thing.

Personally I'm detecting a teensy bit of envy from the OP that the so called delicate flower is obviously popular within the group.

numberseven · 31/05/2017 15:09

I have a number of friends who make a virtue of lateness & think that a night out isn't a night out if it finishes before 3am. They have rather fewer daytime obligations in the week to get through than me, and the thought of staying up drinking until 3am is my idea of hell these days.

If you're out with them, do you demand they all leave when it's your bedtime? Because that is what OP's friend does.

PeanutButterJellyTimeforTea · 31/05/2017 15:44

Sounds to me a lot like someone who has a very demanding job (travelling wtih that regularity is tiring) and social life, who then wants to relax when they go on holiday

Which is fine. But you must have missed the part where she wants everyone else to "relax" in the same way as her, to go home at the same time, to only eat where she wants to eat, to control all the choices even down to where she sits?
If thats how a person relaxes, they are a twat.

PainCanBeBeautiful · 31/05/2017 15:51

Not everyone has loads of friends though. Maybe it's not as easy as walking away from (possibly) your only friendship group.

I have one friend, genuinely only have one friend. She lived across the water from me and due to issues my daughter has we don't see eachother. If I had a group of friends and was told I had to walk away because one person was being a selfish twat then I'd be upset that I'd have to lose out and basically nasty people get their way.

I've never had a friendship group so I guess I don't understand the dynamics.