...about a 'delicate' friend?

[Nettletheelf]

I'm part of a group of six who have been friends for more than twenty years. We're all women in our forties.

We live in different parts of the country and go on holiday together twice a year: city breaks, spa breaks, that sort of thing.

One of our number (who I'm less friendly with than the others, but whom I still like) regards herself as 'delicate'. She has never been diagnosed with any health problems, but her delicacy manifests itself as follows:

• nights out have to be curtailed early because she 'gets tired easily' and can't go back to the hotel or airBnB on her own.

• many restaurant and cafe options are rejected because she has a delicate digestion and the menu doesn't suit it.

• when we find a restaurant or cafe that fits the specification, she has to choose the best chair because of her delicate joints.

• when we order wine in a restaurant, she won't have the same as everybody else because whatever everybody else likes somehow upsets her delicate stomach.

• says that she never sleeps in hotels or unfamiliar bedrooms, so everybody has to walk slowly in the morning because she is exhausted.

We've just returned from a trip, so I'm more irritated than I'd normally be. What I don't get is how she manages to take so many people in. Am I the unreasonable one? There's nothing medically wrong with the woman.

After a long-ish day out on our most recent trip, we decided to sit on the balcony and have a glass of wine. Delicate friend decided that she was going straight to bed because she was tired through not sleeping in unfamiliar beds, etc. After she said goodnight, one of the other members of the group said, "X has done well today hasn't she?"

Me: "Done well how?"

Friend: "well, it's been a long day and it's late for her" (it was 10.30 pm)

Me: "She's a grown up. She can cope with being up until 10.30".

Friend: "but she's a delicate little flower, isn't she?"

Me (laughing): "she's no more delicate than you or I!"

I resent being part of what feels like a ridiculous pantomime in which we're all expected to dance attendance on the dainty, delicate one. I think that cultivating 'delicacy' is a very good way of getting other people to dance to your tune.

Am I right or am I just intolerant?

Luckily I only see this particular friend twice a year. I see the others far more regularly.

I don't have any friends so no one to be impatient about.

I do have a daughter with a disability and I am very patient about that.

@Radishal give over.

I have MS. An invisible condition that's hard to diagnose. I am completely upfront about it with everyone and I make sure I am not a PITA with friends .
This includes making sure friends know they can be unwell and can reasonably expect me to make allowances for them .
I can't be doing with fakers and drama llamas either. I don't have them in my life.

So this thread isn't about you. What's your point?

So yet again, Radishal, we have established that THIS thread is not about you or people like you.
Why are you so determined to make it about that? And criticise others on the basis of your derailment?

I am completely upfront about it with everyone and I make sure I am not a PITA with friends .

Right, that's good then, so no one's talking about you or people in your situation. In fact, the polar opposite.

It seems you actually completely agree with the remarks you are criticising others for, in fact.

If you would like sympathy about your condition, may I suggest you start your own thread?

I have tried to point out several times that some people are actually ill but just seem like they are being PITA, particularly if they have an undiagnosed condition like MS. Or any number of other conditions, including mental health conditions. Didn't see that as derailing the thread.

Yes, we all got that. But YET AGAIN we aren't talking about those people. We can tell the difference you know.

You can't always tell the difference. That's the point you aren't seeing. And if someone is pissing you off - walk away.

But why do you think that needs pointing out, though? Everyone here understands the invisible illness thing. The OP, reasonably, is applying Occam's razor as stated. Loads of people ARE just a pain in the arse. OP (who started this thread) believes her friend (who this thread is about) to be one of them. There are already many threads about the injustices faced by people with invisible illnesses - start another if you'd like.

And if someone is pissing you off - walk away.

That just isn't how the world works, and everyone knows it. Nor should it be, why should the OP have to walk away from a group of friends because one of them's a pain in the backside?

You usually CAN tell the difference. Thats the point. People are not as hard to work out as they like to think they are.

I think it needs pointing out because it needs pointing out.
I know myself what a PITA acts like. But I also know that PITA actions can be masking something else. Not always. Not even most of the time. Just sometimes.
I wanted to flag that up to some posters having a lovely time slagging off annoying acquaintances.

Why? Does people having a nice time piss you off?

You pointed it out, several times. And were told that its not relevant in THIS instance. When will you stop pointing it out?

Honestly, on MN, nobody is allowed to just be a bit of a dick. They have to have an invisible illness or mental health issues or a big back story. In real life, if it walks like a dick and acts like a dick, they are usually just a dick.

My mil is like this. But she's also a massive martyr. So she'll tell you all about how something will make her ill/tired/in pain, and then do it anyway, and then tell you how ill/tired/in pain she is.
She also has many many fucking many food 'intolerances'. One classic one is "I can't eat ginger, the man in the chemist said it wasn't good for my kidneys'. This coming after I'd finally found some biscuits that she likes. She has to be forced to have anything nice, a biscuit, a cup of coffee, the martyr thing again, her favourite phrase is 'don't worry about me, I'll be FINE!'
Usually muttered while doing something innocuous that she doesn't want to do.
She's also cultivated a convenient set of 'phobias' which make sure that she only goes to places that she want to go to. The latest one was last week, dh and I were out with her when I suggested a cup of coffee (plain tap water for her), she wanted to go to her favourite old person cafe, I suggested Starbucks as we were walking past. We went in, they only had seating downstairs so I set off while dh went to get the drinks.
Mil stood at the top of the stairs and said 'I can't go down there, I'll stand up here and wait. My knees hurt but I'll be ok. dont worry about me, I'll be fine '
Yet another 'phobia', this time of going underground. She's never mentioned that one before.
I was all for leaving her upstairs and going down to have my coffee but apparently this is 'cruel'.
So we pandered and went to her old lady cafe. And then she was happy.

And I referred to MS not to derail the thread or get sympathy ffs but because MS throws up all kinds of weird symptoms that non-experts simply won't recognise. Including, for example, looking and acting pissed.

I've never known MS to cause an intense need to get everyone to follow your every whim and tell lies to get your own way?
Does it?

Wow.

Wow what? We both know it doesn't so could you please tell us why you keep trying to make this about things it is not about?
Perhaps you could start your own thread to talk about your own thing.

Not sure how many times I need to say that you can't always tell what is really wrong with a person.
But if you want to keep getting upset about it, that's up to you.

And I referred to MS not to derail the thread or get sympathy ffs but because MS throws up all kinds of weird symptoms that non-experts simply won't recognise. Including, for example, looking and acting pissed

I honestly don't know what you're talking about. This thread is about the OP's friend, who doesn't have MS, and who she hasn't mentioned looking or acting pissed.

Not sure how many times I need to say that you can't always tell what is really wrong with a person.
But if you want to keep getting upset about it, that's up to you.