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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...about a 'delicate' friend?

428 replies

Nettletheelf · 30/05/2017 10:53

I'm part of a group of six who have been friends for more than twenty years. We're all women in our forties.

We live in different parts of the country and go on holiday together twice a year: city breaks, spa breaks, that sort of thing.

One of our number (who I'm less friendly with than the others, but whom I still like) regards herself as 'delicate'. She has never been diagnosed with any health problems, but her delicacy manifests itself as follows:

  • nights out have to be curtailed early because she 'gets tired easily' and can't go back to the hotel or airBnB on her own.
  • many restaurant and cafe options are rejected because she has a delicate digestion and the menu doesn't suit it.
  • when we find a restaurant or cafe that fits the specification, she has to choose the best chair because of her delicate joints.
  • when we order wine in a restaurant, she won't have the same as everybody else because whatever everybody else likes somehow upsets her delicate stomach.
  • says that she never sleeps in hotels or unfamiliar bedrooms, so everybody has to walk slowly in the morning because she is exhausted.

We've just returned from a trip, so I'm more irritated than I'd normally be. What I don't get is how she manages to take so many people in. Am I the unreasonable one? There's nothing medically wrong with the woman.

After a long-ish day out on our most recent trip, we decided to sit on the balcony and have a glass of wine. Delicate friend decided that she was going straight to bed because she was tired through not sleeping in unfamiliar beds, etc. After she said goodnight, one of the other members of the group said, "X has done well today hasn't she?"

Me: "Done well how?"

Friend: "well, it's been a long day and it's late for her" (it was 10.30 pm)

Me: "She's a grown up. She can cope with being up until 10.30".

Friend: "but she's a delicate little flower, isn't she?"

Me (laughing): "she's no more delicate than you or I!"

I resent being part of what feels like a ridiculous pantomime in which we're all expected to dance attendance on the dainty, delicate one. I think that cultivating 'delicacy' is a very good way of getting other people to dance to your tune.

Am I right or am I just intolerant?

Luckily I only see this particular friend twice a year. I see the others far more regularly.

OP posts:
pigeondujour · 31/05/2017 12:16

The correct number of times to say it on this thread was optimally zero but maximum one. Hope that helps.

PeanutButterJellyTimeforTea · 31/05/2017 12:17

I'm not sure how many times we can tell you that you can often tell what is wrong with a person, or when their only condition is dickishness, but you're obesessed with the notion that everyone must have a good reason for it.

Radishal · 31/05/2017 12:20

Nope. There's rarely a good reason for being a dick . But occasionally there is.

pigeondujour · 31/05/2017 12:21

What's yours on this occasion?

Radishal · 31/05/2017 12:22

Nice.

TheClaws · 31/05/2017 12:23

Radishal Best to leave it to Peanut et al to bicker away. What a mean-spirited thread.

PeanutButterJellyTimeforTea · 31/05/2017 12:23

If occasionally there is, most of the time there isn't. We are talking about those times. Do you understand that?

PainCanBeBeautiful · 31/05/2017 12:25

May daughter has an invisible illness. In fact she has three. I know I'm right in what I've been saying. This thread is not about you. Now kindly move the fuck on.

pigeondujour · 31/05/2017 12:25

IT IS OKAY to be mean spirited about your annoying mate on an anonymous chat forum.

PeanutButterJellyTimeforTea · 31/05/2017 12:25

What a mean-spirited thread

I think AIBU is not for you. This is a perfectly normal aibu thread, or it was until a couple of posters made a determined derail attempt.

PainCanBeBeautiful · 31/05/2017 12:27

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Radishal · 31/05/2017 12:31

Thanks TheClaws.

TheClaws · 31/05/2017 12:36

Now kindly move the fuck on

Pain How would you like it if I said that to your daughter? How lovely you seem.

reetgood · 31/05/2017 12:38

I have a family member with ms. He can be extremely irritating - this is nothing to do with his ms, he's just that way out :) He's a lovely soul dealing with a crap hand, but sometimes his personality makes caring for him hard. It is possible for people with invisible illnesses to also be a bit of a dick.

That said, I think it's pretty clear that the behaviour of op's friend is irritating. It's ok to be irritated by unreasonable behaviour no matter what the cause.

Radishal · 31/05/2017 12:40

Sounds right to me, reet.

PainCanBeBeautiful · 31/05/2017 12:47

So why did you keep arguing with those of us who said that?

To be honest if my child as a grown up was being a prick then you are within your right to say that.

Radishal · 31/05/2017 12:51

I wasn't arguing. Posters were picking a fight every time I said that there might be more to someone's "delicate" behaviour. Not always. But sometimes. I used my personal knowledge of MS as an example which some posters seemed to think was me derailing the thread and making it all about meHmm.

StHeathensGrammar · 31/05/2017 12:54

Radishal Sorry you've been having a shit time lately, StHeathens.

Thanks, but I'm not after sympathy - I genuinely want to understand why the OP/others put up with this from certain people.

Pigeon Honestly, for a start try not saying stuff like the bit in brackets, nor preferably thinking it either.

I'm not supposed to think something that appears to be true? Confused
I DO seem to be much more straightforward and honest than most people! I think it's important to be honest and clear about things, and try to be kind to others etc. But other people don't seem to work like that. I've been really messed around and hurt in life by assuming others are honest too, as well as when others have attributed weird intentions to me or been unpleasant/spread rumours etc. I just do not understand the dishonesty, and why someone who IS genuinely manipulative gets a free pass whislt someone who's not get treated as if they are? It's very, very upsetting, why are you treating it as if I'm doing something wrong to observe this?

pigeondujour · 31/05/2017 12:55

Hate to see what you do call arguing.

StHeathensGrammar · 31/05/2017 12:58

reetgood He's a lovely soul dealing with a crap hand, but sometimes his personality makes caring for him hard. It is possible for people with invisible illnesses to also be a bit of a dick.

How is he "a lovely soul" if he is a "bit of a dick"?

pigeondujour · 31/05/2017 13:06

You're not doing something wrong, but that mindset is a self fulfilling prophecy often. Work on the basis that everyone is flawed but most people are fundamentally good. Don't tolerate bad treatment, but don't expect it either.

Roomba · 31/05/2017 13:18

@mumoseven - Blimey, I wondered where you'd got to! Lovely too see you! You probably know who I am too, my eldest is a tiny bit younger than your youngest, and is named after your fabulous no.6. Hope you're all well!

@JessicaEccles - so sorry to hear about the rampart bastardcuntingscleroderma, that's really shit and bloody unfair Sad

SwimmingInLemonade · 31/05/2017 13:22

This thread is hilarious. Only on mumsnet could you describe someone who works full time, travels, and dances several times a week but mysteriously needs to dictate the food, drink and bedtime of everyone else and have so many people insist she must have an invisible illness probably cancer

snowqu33n · 31/05/2017 13:24

Sorry, but there is no need for the abusive tone some posters are taking.
I see it like this:
OP has a friend who may or may not have a health condition . OP is unhappy about the friend getting special treatment without providing concrete proof of illness.
OP's other friends don't mind much, in fact, they may even like doing things to please a friend they don't often go on a trip with.
OP can either discuss it with all the friends openly, or do some manoeuver to take control of the group, and ensure that any future trip is run according to her own personal satisfaction.
She's venting on Mumsnet to sound out how it looks to others.
The friend probably will continue to see the other members of the group, and anyway has her dancing buddies to fall back on.
It is worth noting that there are arthritic conditions like ankylosing spondylitis for which regular exercise like dancing is recommended. It is a condition that makes people tired, but they are too uncomfortable to sleep. Some people try eliminating certain foods to try to reduce the inflammation. Some people get bad digestion from taking painkillers, which clears up when they change medication.
We don't know, and most of us don't care.
Some people just resent other people getting things their way. If it's all the time then fair enough, but it sounds a bit like the friend doesn't come on the trips all the time so she is self-limiting.

StHeathensGrammar · 31/05/2017 13:26

I think you misunderstand pigeon. I've spent most of my life NOT being aware enough to protect myself, most people do seem to be willing to lie and take sides and stuff rather than care about truth and fairness. Its horrible to be accused of being manipulative by people who manipulate on a daily basis and go along with bullies. There just seems to be a tribal "taking sides" element to pretty much all social stuff, and I have to be very, very wary because I am always "other", easily scapegoated.

Why oh why does the OPs friend get pandered to? Why do some people get away with this?