Posting for traffic - hen do AIBU

[ComingUpTrumps]

At the risk of completely outing myself, I'd like to ask you for some advice please. It's about a hen weekend that I'm organising in Oxford for 12 people from 9th to 11th June.

(I posted a similar thread about hen do costs a couple of weeks ago).

I'm meant to be organising the hen weekend with two other people. One of those people (Person A) has very important exams coming up until the day before the hen weekend, and they'll of course need to focus on these. They've requested not to be involved in the hen weekend planning because they need to revise for these exams.

Person B is on holiday at the moment. They're currently on a plane to a long-haul destination, and will have patchy WiFi access throughout their holiday. They'll be on holiday until 2 days before the hen weekend.

I'm now in charge of organising, which I'm happy with. I also am job-hunting right now, so I'm not working, which also means that I have more free time than A and B.

However, the problem is that I can't get into contact with A or B very easily at the moment, because one is on holiday and the other is preparing for their exams.

I've emailed and WhatsApped them both with constant updates about the organisation of the hen weekend so far, just to keep them posted and aware of developments, however (understandably), since last week, I haven't had feedback from either of them about the organisation and plans.

Our itinerary is the following:

Friday evening:
Train to Oxford
Taxi transfers from Oxford station to accommodation.
Pizza at accommodation.

Saturday:
Breakfast (included in accommodation price for Saturday and Sunday).
Dance lesson.
Lunch (£25 per person, as we booked from a set menu).
Punting
Taxi transfer from punting place to accommodation, so we can get ready for evening.
Taxi transfer from acccomodation to Oxford city centre for evening.
Dinner in Oxford (booked from £25 set menu of 3 courses)
Bar in Oxford
Taxi transfer from Oxford to accommodation.

Sunday: breakfast at accommodation, and then train home.

The problem, firstly, is that I've sent out emails to the other attendees (not including the bride) requesting part of the payment. The payments are needed as we need to pay for the Saturday morning dance lesson in full when booking it. I sent them an initial email with a payment request on Friday afternoon. A few got back to me saying they'd pay me on the weekend, but I haven't yet received payment from them. I sent out another follow-up payment request email this morning (I was requested to by person B in case people didn't respond to the first payment email). In total, I've only been paid by one person.

The other issue is the timings of activities on the Saturday. I could only get a restaurant reservation for 9pm on Saturday night (after phoning about 15 restaurants). Do you think this is too late? What complicates matters is that one member of our group is vegan, so although the restaurant have said that they can cater for her (they're not a vegan-only restaurant), I'm not sure what she'll be able to eat. Person B also didn't like the restaurant menu.

A further issue (sorry!) is the cost. Oxford is a very expensive city. All of us are paying for the bride's costs (apart from her train ticket to and from Oxford), so we've all decided to pay an extra £20 each. This means that the whole weekend will cost at least £284.50 per person (with taxi transfers and train tickets included, but not including drinks).

Help!

a) Am I being unreasonable to ask people to pay this?

b) How do I get people to pay?

c) Can I pull off organising the hen do?

Sorry, I meant to say all breakfasts are included in the price at the place Person B has already booked.

Basically, the bride is having a rather fancy wedding, so I feel that the expectation is that she would like a 'fancy' hen weekend too. I really wanted to please her but finding it very tough

Thanks so much Italian

Not RTFT but this is too expensive! Can you cut it to 1 night, all meet for lunch (somewhere more casual and less than £25 per head) Do the dance lesson in the afternoon, dinner in the evening, stay over and breakfast then leave the following morning, that would be more than enough for me

I don't envy you, OP. But you've not got much time. Maybe if you get landed in this situation again you could set up a bank account and have everyone put a monthly standing order in, so that's it's then just a case of setting a deadline and then booking everything once you've reached your target budget.

As someone said, you can pleas all of the people all of the time, but hopefully the bride and A & B will appreciate the effort.

Really that's expensive for a weekend in UK!

Can you cancel one night? The fudge making and comedy night sound better than the other options and do M&S picnic lunch.

The buses are good and frequent in Oxford too.

Can you research voucher deals now if you really want a restaurant lunch/dinner etc?

Well done to you for taking this on. If it was me I wouldn't consult the others and would just get on and organise it

I would try and stay in a cottage or similar where you have access to a kitchen

Girls night in Friday with take out, games and lots of wine / champagne

Saturday
Breakfast at the accommodation
Dance lesson, picnic, punting during the day
Back to the accommodation for pre going out snacks, drinks and getting ready
Dinner and drinks in town

I would also see if you can prebook large taxis

Has the accommodation already been paid for? What happens if people drop out now?

Brit thanks :)

B booked the accommodation, but can cancel the booking at any time for free. We haven't paid anything yet towards the accommodation.

We looked into getting a cottage, but the taxi transfers were ridiculously expensive unfortunately, and people were getting annoyed about this.

Ah, do have a look at other accommodation options then. But don't pay for ANYTHING till the others pay you.

Poor you, I remember your other thread and hoped you would scale back the hen do for your own sanity!!
I would get rid of the dance lesson, buy picnic food from M&S and have lunch in Christchurch Meadow. Ice cream from G&Ds (the one opposite Christ Church) afterwards. If it rains, spend the afternoon in one of Oxfords gazillion nice pubs.

The worst thing about organising these kind of things is getting people to pay up, especially if you don't know them. I think you should ignore the other 2 organisers at this point and tell the bride your difficulties. They are her friends - in the nicest possible way she needs to sort them out. I've been on loads of hen dos, many of which the bride herself has organised. It's v nice of you to take on the organisation, but you should definitely not feel bad about involving the bride and making her do some of the leg work.

I really feel for you OP what an awkward situation to be put in.
From looking at the itinerary I would say the biggest issue is that you're having to get cabs to and from the venue, also with Friday being a low key evening , I reckon a lot of folk will want to come Saturday instead if they aren't too far away. Can you check out booking.com and see if it's possible to get a hotel nearer the centre- that way you cut out the taxis and maybe have an outdoor picnic rather than expensive lunch.

Cottages can be cheaper but someone would need to put a deposit down and then if people pull out who pays the extra so I'd steer well clear of that.

Id contact the other ladies and state that you've only had one deposit and you can hardly afford to pay for yourself never mind sub others. Ask them what you should do but say that if they haven't resonded within a day you'll have to cancel the activities that need deposits.

if a and b arent helping you need to speak to bride and get her to message people to find out if coming to her hen do

ive never paid for the brides whole hen do,nor did my friends pay for mine

agree too much going on and dont need 2 three course set menus

def dont book or pay for anything till you get money off people

I bought a ready made hen do scavenger hunt for a different UK city, which was really cheap and lots of fun. The same website has one for Oxford here:

www.huntfun.co.uk/hen-weekend-activity-treasure-hunt/Oxford.php?rfl=0000

It's £39, which divided between you all is obviously not much. A cost effective way to do an activity.

I organised a stag do for a mate (day at the races a meal and a night clubbing in London). Used a company called ChilliSauce for the races and club part. This was great because it meant that people paid them rather than me. The company's deadline was clear (deposit by x time to secure place, balance by x or you're out). I didn't have to front up any money and a large group of blokes (20+) had guranteed club entrance.

Maybe look into them for the punting etc? Might add £10/20 to the bill but means you won't be liable for the cost. Or just say I need money by x date, if you haven't paid you're not coming.

It's hard work organising a hen do, I don't envy you. One of the things I wouldn't mention if I was invited but since you're asking is that the restaurant for dinner is a very niche menu. Would you be better making it a more casual drinks/dinner in a nice bar or pub and then if people are full from during the day or skint they can order just a side or starter etc. There's a lot of eating. Also look at 5pm.com and see if there's any offers for your group. If it were me organising I'd - Go up Oxford the sat mid morning, have some nibbles, go punting in the afternoon, back to hotel, dinner then drinks, stay over have a leisurely brunch somewhere lovely before having a wander and get back to London. That's one night accommodation, no need for hotel breakfast while still having two nice meals out.

I could afford to pay this, but I wouldn't. No one's wedding is worth that much of my time or money. I'm glad I don't know anyone who would expect such nonsense. If the bride wants all this, let her pay for it.

But, if you are going to go ahead with it, don't pay out a single penny until you have all the funds in place from other people. No pay, no play.

It's highly likely the reason you haven't heard back from many people is due to the cost and/or time involved.

I bought a ready made hen do scavenger hunt for a different UK city, which was really cheap and lots of fun.
The scavenger hunt looks like a fabulous idea.

They are all taking the pis. It's expensive. Not sure you would want a big lunch after breakfast plus a dinner.

Sorry I've not RTFT but if you're going punting from Magdelene Bridge, you could go to Cowley for lunch / dinner. Kazbar is good.

Whilst the bride is a foodie, she's also asked for cheap and cheerful. The price you've quoted isn't cheap and cheerful.

I agree cutting lunches (people can grab a sandwich if they are hungry) and making it one night would be a great start to cutting costs! Give a final date for payments and if they haven't paid they don't go!

Just the one night is more than enough if you're coming from London. In that case, not really seeing why you all had to go away at all. Why does everything involve an overnight? So expensive. If she said 'cheap and cheerful' I'd have organised a pub crawl.

Oxford is hardly any distance from London at all- it's a fast train journey. I don't think you need two nights to make it worth the trip at all! One would be more than sufficient and cheaper too. Does it have to be two nights OP?

I'm a total Scrooge when it comes to big organised hen 'event weekends' anyway and really struggle to get behind them but I'd be annoyed to give over my entire weekend Friday-Sunday.

I don't think it's toooo expensive but it is short notice, how long have they all known and has there been chat about a plan/cost beforehand?

9pm is fine for a meal.

I do think the older you get the more difficult hen dos are. When me and most of my friends got married 10 years ago it was easy hen do- organise - pay - boom! Now with kids and schedules and higher expectations they all seem a nightmarei went on one last year and the demands were ridiculous (that was the guests!)

Hey OP I remember your last post - I thought you'd managed to get this down to around £150?

The bride has said cheap and cheerful so listen to that - it doesn't matter how 'fancy' the wedding is. I think a lot of problems with hen dos stem from people assuming the bride wants a totally ott weekend. She just wants to have fun with her friends.

I would email everyone saying only one of you has paid and could they let you know if cost is an issue. Outline the £150 option and see if that helps!

Forget what A&B say - they are doing dick all to help you.

Sorry you're having such a mare!