Posting for traffic - hen do AIBU

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At the risk of completely outing myself, I'd like to ask you for some advice please. It's about a hen weekend that I'm organising in Oxford for 12 people from 9th to 11th June.

(I posted a similar thread about hen do costs a couple of weeks ago).

I'm meant to be organising the hen weekend with two other people. One of those people (Person A) has very important exams coming up until the day before the hen weekend, and they'll of course need to focus on these. They've requested not to be involved in the hen weekend planning because they need to revise for these exams.

Person B is on holiday at the moment. They're currently on a plane to a long-haul destination, and will have patchy WiFi access throughout their holiday. They'll be on holiday until 2 days before the hen weekend.

I'm now in charge of organising, which I'm happy with. I also am job-hunting right now, so I'm not working, which also means that I have more free time than A and B.

However, the problem is that I can't get into contact with A or B very easily at the moment, because one is on holiday and the other is preparing for their exams.

I've emailed and WhatsApped them both with constant updates about the organisation of the hen weekend so far, just to keep them posted and aware of developments, however (understandably), since last week, I haven't had feedback from either of them about the organisation and plans.

Our itinerary is the following:

Friday evening:
Train to Oxford
Taxi transfers from Oxford station to accommodation.
Pizza at accommodation.

Saturday:
Breakfast (included in accommodation price for Saturday and Sunday).
Dance lesson.
Lunch (£25 per person, as we booked from a set menu).
Punting
Taxi transfer from punting place to accommodation, so we can get ready for evening.
Taxi transfer from acccomodation to Oxford city centre for evening.
Dinner in Oxford (booked from £25 set menu of 3 courses)
Bar in Oxford
Taxi transfer from Oxford to accommodation.

Sunday: breakfast at accommodation, and then train home.

The problem, firstly, is that I've sent out emails to the other attendees (not including the bride) requesting part of the payment. The payments are needed as we need to pay for the Saturday morning dance lesson in full when booking it. I sent them an initial email with a payment request on Friday afternoon. A few got back to me saying they'd pay me on the weekend, but I haven't yet received payment from them. I sent out another follow-up payment request email this morning (I was requested to by person B in case people didn't respond to the first payment email). In total, I've only been paid by one person.

The other issue is the timings of activities on the Saturday. I could only get a restaurant reservation for 9pm on Saturday night (after phoning about 15 restaurants). Do you think this is too late? What complicates matters is that one member of our group is vegan, so although the restaurant have said that they can cater for her (they're not a vegan-only restaurant), I'm not sure what she'll be able to eat. Person B also didn't like the restaurant menu.

A further issue (sorry!) is the cost. Oxford is a very expensive city. All of us are paying for the bride's costs (apart from her train ticket to and from Oxford), so we've all decided to pay an extra £20 each. This means that the whole weekend will cost at least £284.50 per person (with taxi transfers and train tickets included, but not including drinks).

Help!

a) Am I being unreasonable to ask people to pay this?

b) How do I get people to pay?

c) Can I pull off organising the hen do?

I agree with pps regarding having a set lunch and set dinner- too much food I think. What about an afternoon tea (cliche maybe but my friend booked a really cool one for my hen and I really liked it)?

I think leave Person A and B out of it and just say you will organise it. If I had exams I would also say that I couldn't help with organising, but could help on the actual weekend eg. decorating bride's room, sorting stuff out etc. Then maybe you can put your feet up a bit then!

Hen dos are hard when everyone lives in different cities and you want a close and cheap location for everyone!

Definitely don't need two three course meals in a day...I would go for one or the other.

They do look nice though.

Listen, B can be as keen as she likes on a weekend full of organised activities, but if she's not around to help with the planning, she can jog on. Never mind A and B. Say to the bride it's hard to do cheap and cheerful with lunch and dinner at that prices, and does she want to stick with it or can you ditch one.

Honestly you are going to have to make decisions, there is nobody who will help you.

I would decide on a budget you think is feasible per person and work round that.

I personally think 9pm is perfect for dinner. I agree re buses, they are really good but you might be a bit far out. Ring the hotel to see what they suggest.

For lunch, I would definitely say picnic, Oxford is good for posh delis. See what Vaults and Gardens would charge to cater a picnic. If it ends up being pricier than the restaurant, order catered stuff from Waitrose.

The activities sound great. Ultimately, send out a bill, give a date for payment and if nobody pays, cancel bits.

What is the obsession with a weekend? You pretty much all live in London - you could go out and have a great night/day for a fraction of the cost.

I think they're selfish and exhausting and there are always squabbles.

Best hen do I went to was drinks, food, dancing all in one place and it cost me about £100 for the whole night.

If the bride wants cheap and cheerful she'll be sorely disappointed.

"Person B also didn't like the restaurant menu." Tough titty, they are not around. as PurplePidjin says "I would ignore A and B. They clearly don't give a shit"

What exactly as you asking?

Is this too expensive a weekend? For me, yes, indeed it is. Hugely over priced. But if your friends are all able to afford this type of thing great. Presumably you told them the cost in advance or had a budget to work to?

Do not book the dance class on the basis that people will pay you on the day. Tell everyone you need their cheques, cash or money transfer for anything you are paying for in advance, or they will need to miss out.

Lunch for £25 is ridiculously expensive, agree with SkeletonSkins about a picnic lunch. But then again, if your friends all know the cost and want to pay it fine.

Taxis? Why, there are buses etc.

9.00 is not too late to eat, especially if you have had a big lunch.

"The bride wants a 'cheap and cheerful' hen do." This may be cheerful but in my book it is not cheap! But you also say "The bride has quite high expectations"!! You've taken on a lot, I feel sorry for you.

Have you booked hotels, have people paid for them or have you?

"I'm unemployed right now, so I'm not sure how I'll afford it. " Why have you addled yourself with organizing (single-handed) a two day £300 event which you will need to pay for when you are unemployed.

Time for a re-think. Do you really want to pay this much?

I went on a hen do in Liverpool last July. Cost was similar to OP's. The brides share was split between everyone.

You don't need to full on meals in one day.

We had an early afternoon tea (about 1pm) with our own butler on the Sat and then a three course meal at about 8pm.

As someone said upthread, email everyone and ask for the money by return.

Large breakfast at the hotel

2 hour punt including a light picnic - 1 hour isn't long enough for everyone to have a go

Evening meal out

Stuff what A and b want, they aren't around.

Say you need £X up front from all attending by otherwise you'll cancel their places.

Night out in London would have been less stress!

I'm paying this amount for a 5 day hen party in Benidorm in June. I understand oxford is expensive but that's a lot just for a weekend.

What about something like this or this before/after punting? It is obviously dependent upon the weather, but then again, so is the punting a bit! That will save plenty of room for a nice evening meal. Not a massive money saver, but it goes a little way towards making a saving.

I feel for you! Just remember my favourite saying ' you can't please everyone all of the time'. Good luck😉

Also, if it's not too late to change it, one night away is plenty if people aren't travelling a huge distance! Everyone meets by midday for lunch and a punt. Then you can do an afternoon activity if you want to, get checked into hotel, get ready to go out, dinner, drinks, breakfast the next day, done!

*two

I know Oxford and have had many a work christmas dinner at Pierre Victoire - over-rated in my view. I've had decent meals at Cherwell Boathouse, but not always. I recently heard from an American foodie who had done a lot of research that a good place to eat is the Oxford Kitchen in Summertown www.tripadvisor.co.uk/Restaurant_Review-g186361-d6353217-Reviews-The_Oxford_Kitchen-Oxford_Oxfordshire_England.html
the reviews are good. I would suggest this for dinner and maybe take a good picnic for the punting - lots of places in the Covered Market, Taylors on St Giles/Little Clarendon Street

Sorry to say but if you haven't already booked and paid for the hotel you might be better off looking at the holiday Inn. It is much closer & you could even walk to a really lovely pub (the trout at wolvercote) from there.
The other hotel is in a bit of a strange location on The edge of a housing estate in a mostly industrial park. Not sure what the buses are like but on a plus point you could walk into the estate & they are very regular.

Sorry but these Wedding hen do;s are something I will never understand, who on earth has that kind of cash to waste, and you forgot to add in the spends and the rail fares, and the drinks and the clothing, I think it;s so unfair to do this to people the bride calls friends...

Maybe you should call a pub date for all going and see how much they can afford to actually spend, and do a budget to suit people's pockets.

It's sad one of your oransiers has exams but she should have thought of that before demanding you do all the leg work.

Totally agree with Butterymuffin "B can be as keen as she likes on a weekend full of organised activities, but if she's not around to help with the planning, she can jog on. Never mind A and B. Say to the bride it's hard to do cheap and cheerful with lunch and dinner at that prices, and does she want to stick with it or can you ditch one."

Tell A and B that no one has paid yet so you will have to re-thin things, say if they want to talk to you email you, otherwise you will leave them out of the planning.

I;d give the party goers one period of 24 hours, or 48 hours if you want to be kind, to get the money to you for you to book everything. If they fail you can then do a cheaper thing. Pick the things the bride wants, ask her. It's not like a surprise!

Maybe you will go for one night, punting, picnic lunch and evening out, dinner at 9.00 is fine because your picnic lunch can be as late as you like. Or just dance lesson and then picnic whatever. If people are coming from London then Oxford is an hour by train! people live in Oxford and work in London so really you don't need two nights. Or you could give folks the option of arriving Friday night or Saturday morning.

Those who wish to organise their own dance class can do so, those who want two nights and taxis, can do so.

How well do you know the bride?

I'm pretty comfortable financially but I really wouldn't fancy paying £300 on a weekend in oxford... if you're coming from London I'd skip the Friday night and get the coach there on the Saturday morning. Either drop bags off at the hotel when you arrive or do it after lunch and skip the punting (although the punting does sound fun and isn't expensive) 9pm isn't too late for dinner, have a few drinks at a pub or get some prosecco/wine and do drinks in your hotel rooms. It sounds like fun OP - I hope you have a great time.

What on earth is punting?

You sound lovely and are doing a great job

I say keep punting it's fun and relaxing

Scrap one of the meals and have a lovely picnic instead

Scrap the dancing - a picnic, punting and dinner out are enough activities to fill a day otherwise you will just be dashing from a to b with no time to actually enjoy it

Make some quizzes / games for the picnic if want to have an 'activity' to do

E.g. A croquet set

Get rid of some of the taxis

It is getting very late in the day to organise this so you are going to have to forget about A&B and organise this yourself. Ditch an activity. Tie down the evening meal - big groups on Saturday night are difficult, take what you can get, even if that's pizza express (nothing wrong with pizza express). Get the bride to help, if she's said cheap and cheerful she won't mind helping out.

Bit off the point and I don't mean to be rude, but if you're currently job-hunting, is a £300 hen weekend and presumably not one but two weddings, one of them abroad all right with you? I think I remember your previous threads about this hen weekend and there's a whole lot about what the bride wants, and what Person A and Person B expect, and what the bride's loaded best mate (?) thinks is ok... You ARE allowed to scale this down. She said cheap and cheerful.

£284 for a UK weekend feels silly.

I'm a bit old(46) and a hen do was a meal and drinks/club when I was getting married. I paid for myself as was the done thing. Personally, one night is enough. I would have got to Oxford Saturday lunchtime, unpacked, gone for a drink then bring picnic food from a deli on the punts. After go back to get ready, night out incl meal then pubs etc, home next morning. Most people don't want to give up their whole weekend anyway and certainly not at that price.

Punting on the river for whoever asked.