BF coming in when I'm in the shower!

[RedheadLover]

My BF has a rather irritating habit of coming the bathroom when I'm in the shower and I really don't like it. I don't think there's anything sexual about it (honestly!), he just doesn't seem to think it's a big deal if he wants to come in and talk to me while I'm washing my hair or whatever.

I've told him I don't appreciate being walked in on and would actually rather have the time to myself. He thought this was strange and said 'it's not like I've never seen you naked before' but has reluctantly agreed not to keep walking in on me.

So today, rather than bursting in as usual, he was knocking on the door. I could hear he was saying something but couldn't make out the words over the sound of the water and the music I had on. Figuring it must be something important as we'd only just had a conversation about how I prefer not to be bothered while showering, I got out of the shower (conditioner still on), wrapped myself in a towel and traipsed across to the door (leaving a trail of water) to see what he wanted.

The message which he'd found so vital to relay to me was that the pizza he'd put in for lunch would be ready in ten minutes

He says I'm ungrateful because he only wanted to let me know so it wouldn't get cold. I think he should have waited until I was out the shower to tell me lunch was ready!

AIBU to be annoyed and to wish I could have just fifteen minutes of privacy?! Does anyone else's partner do this?

He's just a fucking moron. If you knew he was putting a pizza into the oven when you were going in the shower, you only need a couple of brain cells to work out when it will be ready.

I don't mind my DH coming into the bathroom whatever I'm doing, but I would really mind him being a needy little drip. Knocking on the door whilst you're in the shower to tell you about a pizza? What a dry lunch.

I think the point about relationships is that they involve negotiation and adjustment.

One partner in a relationship is happy to leave rubbish in the middle of the living room floor and the other one is not happy about it.

One partner wants privacy to pursue their interests while the other person on the relationship is angered by the amount of time they spend on their phone/X box/computer.

In a healthy relationship people talk about things and there is often a considerable amount of ground for compromise.

Here one person - as they had stated to their partner - prefers to take a shower in peace. The other has a desire to keep their partner informed about when food is ready.

In a healthy relationship grownups normally manage to talk about it and find a solution that works for them, even if it might take several conversations if they really don't quite understand how the other person ticks.

Somethng like making sure anything that needs to be discussed is done pre-shower then saying, ''I'll be about twenty minutes and out in time for pizza.

I'm honestly not sure it helps to demonise somebody as a serial killer in the making, just because their behaviour can be seen as mildly inconsiderate....

"I'm the mum of a 21 year old and a 2 year old. I haven't peed on my own in 20 years."

And I'm mother to 18, 16 and 7 year old DDs, and I could probably count on one hand the number of times I haven't managed to use the toilet in private. No offspring were traumatised in my quest for privacy either. It is possible. Motherhood needn't always = becoming public property.

Why would you need to compromise? Leaving crap on the floor could affect both people. Someone wanting a bit of privacy is not the same.

YABU sorry.

He did listen to you and your need to be 'alone'
He did want to warn you that meal would be ready in 10mins.

That would be a quite normal thing to do in our house and most people I know tbh.
The alternative is to leave you taking your time and have the meal cold (or starting wo you, which would irritate me no end).

Fwiw in our house, dh woud just come in and the dcs would just vaguely open the door to let me know and then close the door.

I think you are unnecessarily touchy on that one.

I woud also be acreful to ensure thyat the whole house doesnt run around you and what you want (notwhat you said OP but some suggestions from other posters).

Because a situation where a partner has to wait until one has finished the shower and is ALLOWED to come in, then has to wait before starting a meal to fit in around you etc etc isnt a healthy balance at all.

Yes silly OP - how dare you have any boundaries about privacy when they aren't identical to everybody else 🙄

Blue So someone wanting privacy in their own home is unhealthy? Seriously?

Not wanting someone to walk in while you are having a shower is hardly controlling. If the OP chooses not to have the BF coming in then it's her right.

Some frankly disturbing ideas about boundaries on here

But Blue he didn't really listen, did he.

I've told him I don't appreciate being walked in on and would actually rather have the time to myself

Or, he did listen and decided he needed to text exactly what the OP meant rather than just using his brain.

Because "when I'm in the shower, that's Me time, please leave me alone" is exactly the same as "this whole house runs around me and what I want".

If anything, right now it sounds like the house is running around what DP wants. Because OP had to ask, more than once, reiterate her want, and actually discuss this one boundary, around her fifteen minutes (or whatever) of alone time in the washroom.

But no, you're right. That totally sounds like a scenario where OP should be careful that she's not dictating everything in the house (!)

Jesus, where does MN pick up some of these commenters.

You know when you think that what you do is just totally normal and you've never really considered that other people might feel really strongly that what you do is annoying/unreasonable/weird? Yeah. This.

DH and I never lock the bathroom door while showering and it's totally normal for the other one to pop in to brush their teeth and even have a pee I couldn't care less and neither could he!

The thing is, if you've explained to your BF and he's still doing it, that's really not cool

I walk in on my DH in the shower and talk to him all the time in there...

I didn't realise I was a needy clingy toddler who needed Cbeebies on

We also both go for a wee with the door open and talk then

@confusedat23 and if he asked you not to do that, would you still do it? Would you put your desire for company above his desire for privacy in the shower?

And I'm mother to 18, 16 and 7 year old DDs, and I could probably count on one hand the number of times I haven't managed to use the toilet in private. No offspring were traumatised in my quest for privacy either. It is possible. Motherhood needn't always = becoming public property

Thanks for saying that. :) I mean if mothers like having company when on the loo then that's fine (odd in my books, but fine), but the whole martyred "oh woe is me I don't get a minute to myself even when I'm on the toilet" is bollocks.

I actually think it's odd if you can't leave your partner to have a shower or shit in peace. But I get that others do things differently.

Why is it so hard to get that, whether or not you agree with the idea of privacy in that situation, anyone has the right to request/insist on it?

Sorry he did listen.
He was asked not go in and he did. Not barging in doesnt mean not ever talking to me when im in the shower does it??

He also did think that letting the OP know when the meal would be ready was something nice to do. (I know we always do that in our house - issues with organisation, the meal not getting cold etc etc). So he told from behind the door.

Personnaly, i find that sort of attitude unsociable.
I can et wanting to have a shower in peace and not having long discussions. Im struggling with the idea that no ne is allowed to go in nor allowed to give you information.
Unless of course the OP has made ot clear that she doesnt care about eating her meals cold or her own.

Blue

It was a pizza not a 14 course tasting menu. He could have just waited until she got out. But he chose not to. Then he chose to go get her out of the shower despite the fact she had just told him she wanted time in the shower to be undisturbed.

Also in some families, adults and children are happy to be naked around each other.

If the BF insisted on the OP walking round naked, despite her being uncomfortable with it, would that be okay?

Have the boundaries you are comfortable with but you don't have the right to disregard someone else's desire to maintain theirs. It's creepy, it's wrong and makes the person disregarding it a total twat

Unsociable? She's having a shower FFS not locking him out of the room while she watches Coronatjon Street.

I would rather be unsociable than intrusive

That would be a quite normal thing to do in our house and most people I know tbh.
The alternative is to leave you taking your time and have the meal cold (or starting wo you, which would irritate me no end).

The alternative would be for the DP to time the meal until it could reasonably be expected that the OP would be ready to eat it. Not wait until she is in the shower then shove it in the oven.

Your house seems pretty chaotic!

I have a feeling that those posters who are ridiculing this post, or just 'don't get it' have never had issues with self-esteem, vulnerability or trust? Perhaps, if one is an introvert and needs time alone, they should be allowed time alone. As a mother, I am not entitled to time alone as little kids don't really understand boundaries. When my partner barges into the bathroom (door closed) to accuse me of something, or walks in whilst I am showering despite being asked not to (I feel vulnerable naked), I think I should be allowed that time to myself without interruption from another adult. Some people rather lack sensitivity or empathy

Lots of women prefer to see a female doctor for certain issues. I am not bothered. But if you went to the Dr and said 'I would like to see a female GP', presumably it would be okay for them to say 'actually sorry but I don't mind a male GP so you will have suck it up'

I hope that those of you with children are teaching them that other people's boundaries are to be respected, even if they seem different to yours.

Kokusai There is no absolute desire for company... If I need to talk to him I just go and find him and talk to him.

God it comes to something when you can't even talk to your own husband without being accused of being clingy

Sometimes he struggles to have a wee if he knows I can hear him, he asks me to go to the living room and I do. But only until I know he has finished as you know... I need all the attention I can get

God it comes to something when you can't have privacy in the bathroom...

If he can't piss when you are there then perhaps he's not as comfortable about it as you are.