Being made to feel disabled.

[nfin]

Basic background I was driving up to four different cars a week. I moved to my dh birth country with 4 ds. My dh and I chose an automatic car together. My in law said my ds we needed an automatic as I have MS. My dh says I am over reacting to a throw away comment. I am left feeling heart broken and feel all trust has gone in 25 year marriage and afraid of future if I need assistance.

I have a lifelong disability, so although I don't understand fully because I am not in your shoes, I have a lot of sympathy for what you are going through.

I think anytime somebody loses something, their vision, they're hearing, their health, it does take time to adjust both physically and mentally Talk to your husband and tell him how you feel. Many times families and close friends can be overprotective without meaning to be. Or they can do too much, when you don't need it. Be specific about what you need and don't need.

I stayed with an uncle when I was in my late 20s, my aunt went to make my bed and my uncle was about to put A gate on the stairs. Neither are necessary. They don't even put a gate on the stairs with their grandchildren.

In many ways NZers can be a bit backward feminist wise, and I wonder if your DH get he had to explain something perceived as not maley enough for onlookers?

You are an uneducated idiot.

Anyone who thinks driving an auto is reserved for the elderly and/or infirm is so far beyond ridiculous I can't even comprehend it.

OP, I have MS, and have always driven an automatic car just because it's easier. Now with the MS, I do have left-leg weakness which could make things difficult in a manual car, and occasional hand weakness - not good for gears. I love the automatic as it means freedom to me. If I was you, I certainly wouldn't worry about driving one. I'd say your DH was only thinking of what could be best for you - you may never have the same kind of issues of have, but by the same token, you wouldn't buy a house with heaps of stairs, either.

Yes English is not only my first language - but my only!

OP do you speak the same way you type? Which country did to you move to NZ from?

OP is upset as YES she does have MS but does not need an automatic car right now! She is fully functioning ! My DH has MS too and I would never consider him as disabled because he isn't! He maybe one day ..... He's not now!

OP is upset as YES she does have MS but does not need an automatic car right now! She is fully functioning ! My DH has MS too and I would never consider him as disabled because he isn't! He maybe one day ..... He's not now!

VinIsGroot this is how I feel. Sorry for confusing post, this is the first one I have ever done this .I was driving up to four different cars only a few months ago. This was part of my job, which I was able to do full time, and look after 4 dc and home.When I asked dh why he said we needed an automatic as I have ms, he didn't see what the issue was.

But surely his parents know that he has MS too, so why would they even ask??

This thread is like a jigsaw puzzle where you can't get started because someone has hidden the edge pieces under the sofa.

LOL yep @Footle. OP seems oblivious to it all.

OP People are picking you up on your rather odd use of language. This is an example:

I think this is the main issue did Me?

For crying out loud, what is that supposed to mean?
Did me?

I just can't help thinking that if people here (including me) can't understand your language, maybe your DH and in laws find it the same .

Is there a communication problem?

I live here in NZ it is very hard to find manual cars. When we moved here I had never driven a auto. We are looking for one so out child can learnt to drive on one. It is proving very tricky

I am British. Sorry for the appalling English. I am used to a laptop, and now using a tablet.

So it took forever but now we also know that dh has ms too, why not mention that earlier op? It could have influenced his decision when car buying...

I think you need to speak to your husband, calmly, he may not realise the extent of your upset, 25 years married, am sure he would hate you to be so upset, he knows you much better than we do obviously, really hope you're ok, you sound like you're struggling a bit
Please don't be afraid to accept help.
Having a disability is not an insult, many family members of disabled people cannot do right for doing wrong, they may be really trying to help you, I think that's likely to be the case.

Thanks for the advice and understanding shown to me through this thread. I am going to leave it alone now.

No zoflore, that was someone else that OP was quoting.

So I think you feel that he has decided you are less able than you feel, chosen a car because of that, and told your ILs who have told your children. So all of them are thinking of you as disabled, and DH is making decisions without fully explaining them to you.

You fear for the future in case he carries on undermining your autonomy. When you do become less independent, he may make decisions in a high handed way.

Is that what worries you?

I think he's trying to be thoughtful and pro active. Your family have been supportive. Work out exactly what the problem is, perhaps with help from people on here to get the words right, then explain to your whole family how important it is that they do not 'take over' and make assumptions about your needs desires and abilities, without your consent.

Hang in there Nfin, give yourself a bit of time to think it all through.

I'm only posting on this thread because so many people have said they have MS.
Please look into HSCT.
I had MS and did this with people from Norway, England, US and Australia, in Mexico. www.hsctmexico.com/
It works for RR, PP and SP.

Self fund or fund-raise, it's worth it.

Russia is also a good option, Dr Denis Fedorenko is amazing with this.

and YANBU

Dh drives an automatic but can also use a manual (which is what I have). Neither of us are old or have a disability.

I'm surprised you have been granted nz residency with MS to be honest, did you have many issues getting in?

I'm fully functioning too OP but I chose to buy an automatic 20 years ago after driving my DD's car and realising how much easier on the mind and body it was to drive one in stop-start traffic.
When you live with a life-changing medical condition you put it to the back of your mind and it's upsetting to be reminded of it and you get to think of all possible future scenarios.

Also the reason for posting what I did above was that one of the people I did it with was PP and she had only found out about HSCT a year ago though facebook and said she wished she had known about it earlier so she could have stopped the progression before.

The more people that have the information the better, and if it helps even just one person I'm happy.

Massive over reaction if this is your main worry be grateful as hell.

was driving up to four different cars

OP-why do you keep repeating this stock phrase but not actually answer people's questions?

Saying your DH has MS as well was something that might have been useful to know earlier on. Maybe he thought an automatic was a good idea for HIS MS?