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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Being made to feel disabled.

129 replies

nfin · 28/05/2017 10:48

Basic background I was driving up to four different cars a week. I moved to my dh birth country with 4 ds. My dh and I chose an automatic car together. My in law said my ds we needed an automatic as I have MS. My dh says I am over reacting to a throw away comment. I am left feeling heart broken and feel all trust has gone in 25 year marriage and afraid of future if I need assistance.

OP posts:
PeanutButterJellyTimeforTea · 28/05/2017 13:56

My problem is my husband and I chose an automatic together then behind my back said we needed it due to my ms

PErhaps he is actually under the impression that is why you got an automatic? But why does it actually matter anyway?

Maudlinmaud · 28/05/2017 13:57

Elphaba I know and I'll tell you better than that dh drives one too as he doesn't like stick and he's not disabled.

Original poster
nfin · 28/05/2017 13:59

Waltermittythesequel
Good point, 1am and a couple of gins later, but needed the courage to start this conversation. My dh family would be horrifed I would be feeling soo low by dh comments

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 28/05/2017 14:00

Could your husband have thought that an auto was what you wanted due to the ms, and he was just future proofing the car? Did uou both discuss why you were buying an automatic if you usually had a manual?

Storminateapot · 28/05/2017 14:00

This is very confusing.

I have recently become disabled and we are considering swapping my manual car for an auto because it would be easier for me to drive. That is a fact, I don't feel all trust in my marriage is gone because of it. Cars are an expensive purchase that should last years, maybe your ms was in your husband's mind in the decision to buy an auto. That's just being practical, surely?
Are you struggling to accept your diagnosis? Is his acceptance and willingness to make adjustments ahead of where you are at with this mentally? Is that the problem?

PollyPerky · 28/05/2017 14:00

I agree it's not clear at times .

OP Is English your first language? sometimes your tenses are all over the place which makes it hard to know what happened and when, which is why posters are confused.

You say 'you drove 4 cars in a week'- does this mean very recently or in the past?

I assume this is that you mean:
You chose an automatic together.
You can still drive manual cars.

And - for whatever reason- your DH said you (both) decided on an auto because you have MS.

Is this because in NZ autos are regarded as being 'old drivers' cars? or for the disabled? Does he feel less macho driving an automatic?

If so, this is his problem .

All you have to do it tell your in laws that you can still drive manuals . Then ask your DH why he's being such a wanker over it.

ElphabaStrop · 28/05/2017 14:02

👍 thumbs up Maud

I'm still confused by the OP. Do you not think of yourself as "disabled"? Is that why the comment has upset you?

PollyPerky · 28/05/2017 14:03

In the UK there is sometimes a stigma attached to automatics as they are regarded as old drivers' cars. However, DH's new car is ONLY available as an auto! It's nr the top of the range and the company will eventually develop driverless cars. So any suggestion that automatics are for the 'elderly or infirm' is a mistake!

MrsJayy · 28/05/2017 14:03

The op is a bit tipsy I think and trying to vent and it isn't coming across great.

user1495707114 · 28/05/2017 14:03

Is driving an automatic such a stigmatized thing? My sister drives one simply because she finds it easier and less strain. She drives a lot for work and it makes a difference when you do a lot of miles on the road.

She's 35 and runs 30k a week at a the gym Hmm. Is she "disabled"?

Reading between the lines, maybe OP is very sensitive and defensive about any "accommodation" so her DH felt he couldn't suggest an automatic would be easier because she would immediately resist it. So he's not necessarily lying to his inlaws.

WellThatSucks · 28/05/2017 14:03

Let me see if I have this right - your DH was asked why he got an automatic instead of a manual and he felt a bit defensive because automatics are seen as 'inferior' somehow in NZ so he threw you under the bus and said he only got the automatic because of your MS? Now you're pissed off with him for using you as an excuse and want to LTB?

In the USA, dont get the automatic 'stigma' because just about everyone I know, including me, drives automatics and no one gives a shit.

Original poster
nfin · 28/05/2017 14:05

PeanutButterJellyTimeforTea
We bought an automatic as fitted six people four children two adults, then dh said to family needed automatic due to my ms. I have driven manual for twenty years, in uk and Africa. And have had ms for ten years?

OP posts:
PollyPerky · 28/05/2017 14:06

Driving an automatic used to be something the over-50s reached out and embraced as being an easier drive. But I know plenty of people who drive them and are young! And as I said, many of the top car manufacturers are paving the way for driverless cars so are only doing some models as autos.

Jux · 28/05/2017 14:07

Your dh told his parents that he chose an automatic because you have ms. Is that it?

So you need to tell them that ms was not relevant or discussed vis a vis the choice of car.

You need to find out why he said it. Were they scoffing at him for having an automatic and he got defensive and told a lie to stop them?

Waltermittythesequel · 28/05/2017 14:07

You've started the thread now, which is great!

If I were you I'd go to bed, sleep it off, and then talk through your feelings on it tomorrow.

PollyPerky · 28/05/2017 14:10

OP Are you being a bit less than honest here? There are many cars that can take 6 people but they are not all automatics!

Why have you put a question mark after 'have had ms for 10 years'.

This is why it's confusing for people.

What you seem to be saying is your DH is 'writing you off' as having limitations due to your having MS. Do you feel sidelined in your marriage? Is this the REAL issue?

I think the car is a red herring and you need to address your husband's attitude towards you and your illness. The comment about the car is neither here nor there but if it shows he regards you as being unable to function fully, and is making allowances, that could show he is either very caring about your future, or is worried about having to go it alone if you become worse.

AStickInTime · 28/05/2017 14:18

I've got MS too, and when DH was getting his house renovated, the IL's were helpfully suggesting all sorts of modifications for when "AStickInTime" ends up in a wheelchair.

Thanks for that. I'm going to stay out of one as long as I possibly can, thank you!

They even had the locks fitted badly so I can't lock myself in the loo and collapse.

At the time I didn't like it but I saw how it was their way of dealing with it and trying to be helpful in their own misguided way.

In many ways NZers can be a bit backward feminist wise, and I wonder if your DH get he had to explain something perceived as not maley enough for onlookers? Not an excuse, but I'd cut him some slack because MS is hard for him too. My DH doesn't always get it right either, but I keep coming back to the fact that people deal with this horrendous disease in the only way they know how, same way I am trying to.

I hope you stay well Flowers

mydietstartsmonday · 28/05/2017 14:20

I think you are totally over acting and thinking about this.

AStickInTime · 28/05/2017 14:22

Oh and I've found a lot of people close to me fit in 1 of 2 ditches.

They either act like I'm much worse than I am, and try to shield me where it's not needed and not welcome, or they act like nothing's wrong when I need them to let me rest a bit more than usual, and I find their expectation to carry on when I'm struggling and can't carry on as though I don't have MS, like when I'm relapsing, is quite demoralising.

I find it really helps to separate how I deal with ms to how everyone else around me does.

rollonthesummer · 28/05/2017 14:43

We bought an automatic as fitted six people four children two adults

But surely there are plenty of manual cars that fit this number of people in? That's not solely something that automatics have?

kali110 · 28/05/2017 14:51

You discussed getting an automatic together, if im reading it right as im still confused, but maybe your dh did want the automatic because of your ms?
Which, i still would not think would be so bad of him.

Original poster
nfin · 28/05/2017 16:05

Many thanks for all comments. Yes English is not only my first language - but my only!
I am starting to realise I am more balanced and confidence with myself then dh is. Dh is struggling to find his place now he is back home after 25 years

OP posts:
WomblingThree · 28/05/2017 17:05

colalight just a heads up. Wheelchair bound is a poor choice of words too. It's wheelchair user.

Original poster
nfin · 29/05/2017 00:09

"well what else has he not been truthful about?"

I think this is the main issue did Me?

OP posts:
Redglitter · 29/05/2017 00:29

I am left feeling heart broken and feel all trust has gone in 25 year marriage

I think you're seriously over reacting if this is how you feel